New and very deep seated trigger realisation

I don't think this would trigger anyone else...I do hope not.

I am always thankful when I figure out a little more information about something that has cause dme to 'over react' for years, and yesterday I got that. It also meant that I was upset big time by someone who means a lot to me.....so today I am exhausted and feel soo tearful, but just can not allow them to flow. It is too scary.

I special person told me that we could potentially have a great relationship in the future(if some major obstacles cleared) and if I lost some weight. Simple enough right? Wrong!! I reacted incredibly badly, I was soo angry and became very cold, then suddenly felt like I was going to fall apart...I could not even continue talking to him!! This is awful.

I was soo triggered, and always have when it comes to my weight. The realisation was..... when I was a child and still as an adult my parent led me to believe that I was only worthy of love or support or care dependant on my weight. I was constantly told I was 'fat' and it is only in recent years after seeing photos of my childhood & teenage years that I suddenly realised I was slim and attractive....but in my heart I believed I was fat and ugly. This has been reinforced many times since i was very young in varying ways.

I am so upset, and dont know what to do with this information, and my therapist is on leave...and my best friend is away also....so I dont have anyone to talk to about this. I hope it is ok to let it out here?

This complex PTSD is so challenging, and I have only just started my journey of being honest with myself about it. So many hidden traumas (small & major) are coming out that have been hidden in my head for so long.

It is such an up and down process...I feel like I am on a roller coaster. Even worse than when I stopped my alcohol addiction 2and a half years ago.......

Jane - I would be triggered horribly too if someone said that they COULD have a good relationship with me... if I just lost weight. Sorry, but that person is a TOTAL douchebag and is not worthy of your time. No one that incredibly shallow is. I would have had the same reaction you did.

I always had troubles with my weight - I was a heavy kid, but wasn't fat or that really. I still look at myself and think "fat", but I HAVE realised and try to accept something: my family was in DIRECT control of what I ate. So whatever size I was as a kid? They created that, because they fed me. I'd get in sh** if I didn't finish a meal, and we ACTUALLY got in trouble if we drank real juice which was for my mom's daycare, instead of the koolaid that was for us.

Like, really??

It's alright to be upset right now. What the person said to you was TOTALLY inappropriate.

(((JaneC))),

I agree with Red Panda, this guy's statements "I would care about you if" is a red flag. This is not "just about weight" either, this is a person who will be "hard" on anyone he has a relationship with, if they don't follow "his control and opinions and needs".

I grew up watching my father "criticize" everything my mother did, her cooking, what she wore, how she decorated the home, what she chose to do with her time, everything. My mother is now in her late 80's and she has developed dementia, however, she has an exaggerated startle response whenever my father "comes in the house or enters the room". If she is on the phone, she says, "Oh, your father is coming I have to hang up". I remember being so frustrated and wanting to see my father just compliment her and be "nicer" to her instead of how he was so controlling and angry whenever she wanted to "just be free to express herself the way she wanted".

Right now you are working through your past and all the times when other people in your family or whatever sought to injure your self esteem and tell you "you need to please them by doing and being a certain way". It stressed you out so much that you turned to alcohol to escape and have a sense of some kind of emotional/psychological freedom.

I hope that you are attending AA meetings for support and following that program that helps you let go of the "frustration of somehow feeling you can never seem to "please" all these people.

Yes, you are right, struggling with PTSD and trying to understand it and slowly learn how to "manage it better" is very "challenging and exhausting at times". Yes, it is up and down in a way that others who are not challenged simply cannot relate or understand , which makes it even more difficult.

The "one thing you need to get rid of" in your life is getting involved with people who do "not respect your boundaries and insist you need to be XYZ to please them". You need to do this "without" telling yourself that you are a failure because you think you should be able to "push your own feelings aside to accommodate their needs".

Unfortunately, we live in a society where people develop "standards" to judge by that are not really tailored to "healthy and productive self esteem". It has gotten so
"unhealthy" that even the people who "seem to possess some kind of physical and materialistic perfection tend to also have "very unhealthy psychological challenges".

This guy that you are "struggling with" is "not" going to be someone that will "promote" your much needed sense of "well being" either. However, at this point in time with your effort to address this challenge with PTSD and work on your "healing" and "gaining new skills to slowly develop healthier thinking patterns is not far enough along where you are ready to "stand your ground" and walk away with confidence that you are making the right decision. Your thinking right now is "you are questioning yourself" with "are you a failure because what he is saying is bothering you"?

The answer to that last question is "no" you are not a failure because you do not want to spend your life trying to live up to what someone else wants you to be "for him". However, because you have been "subject" to this challenge by your own family members, that is "what you know". And what you are slowly beginning to recognize now by looking back on your life thus far, is that you were constantly "hurt" by these kind of people.

There is "no way" that you or anyone else will ever please others the way you have been raised. You can please "some of the people some of the time", but you "cannot please all the people all of the time". You need to learn how to "please yourself" and really build your sense of "self" where if other people don't "respect" that and "insist" you need to change to "please them", it doesn't affect your "sense of self" in a negative way. But for you to be able to achieve this, you need to learn where others have "skewed" your self esteem and "finally" have the support and guidance to slowly "repair" this damage. At this point, others have "skewed" your self esteem so much that you tend to "self sabotage" and "self criticize" in ways that are not healthy for you. This takes time to "slowly change" and "understand".

So, in this situation, yes, you are dealing with someone who will put this "need" at risk and is "unhealthy" for you. Making a decision to "walk away" from this kind of person is the "right decision for you to make" and "it does not mean you are not good enough" or that you have somehow "failed". Instead you need to "practice" choosing to walk away from these kind of people who will only push you in the wrong direction psychologically.

This is also something that AA meetings "support" as well. Also ACOA meetings support whatever was "skewed" if someone grew up with a parent that "neglected" their emotional needs because the parent was "skewed and self sabotaging" .

(((Supportive hugs to keep "yourself" a priority))))
OE

Jane, it is time to take some time to think about what "you" want. What does "self want"? Because if you think about having your "self esteem" be healthy, the key word in these two words is "self". And "self esteem" does not come and develop in "healthy ways" by spending all your energy "pleasing others".

A lot of people who struggle will say, "I just want someone to love "me" and hold me and give me this feeling that I am finally "appreciated and loved for who I am". That person who provides that is actually "self". And that is something that "many" people tend to "struggle with", it isn't just "you".

So, with this situation, I want you to take some quiet time and get a piece of paper and write down what "you" want to experience with a potential "mate" to share your life with. And hopefully, the first strong desire should be "someone who I don't have to spend my life trying to "please".

Keep in mind that we don't find "perfection" in others, however, there "are" things that we do need to have in others that we spend our time with that have to be "present".

You do not need to spend your life "chasing some kind of persona that is never possible to have and maintain". The only thing you need to do is learn about yourself and what "you" enjoy as a person. And then you need to keep an eye out for someone who can "complement and respect that".

I always told my daughter that I didn't "care" what she ended up being, that she could have a little farm and spend her days knee deep in pig crap all day, all I would be looking for is "a smile on her face that sent me a message that she was "happy" and then I would be "proud" and happy about her as a person.

We live in a society that tends to send out a lot of messages "If you own this you are "worthy", or , if you look like this you are a success, and these messages are not "realistic" and they are really "not healthy". However, so many "unknowingly" begin to "believe" these messages and all they do is "follow" and they don't really ever feel "truly fulfilled" in a "healthy way".

The "most" important thing to understand about all this "materialistic and shallow salesmanship" is you really do "not have to buy it". The only thing that really matters is "what you may need to "compliment" whatever is inside you that motivates "you" as a person. The people that pay attention to whatever they have that "sparks their interest in life", are the people that are the happiest. Some people love and create music, some people love to create art work, some people love to work with plants and become landscape artist's, some people love writing, some people love building things, some like keeping things clean, and the list is endless.

Many people really struggle and feel a void because they grew up with parents that consistently sent them messages about "what the parent wanted of them to "please the parent". So, these people tend to become grownups who tend to feel that "no one is seeing and appreciating "them" as a person. Unfortunately, there is so much of this going on that people tend to become "more and more like this boyfriend" you are discussing where they expect other people to conform to what "they" think is what they have to have to be happy. This mentality is "very unhealthy" and only leads to a relationship that never bears any "fruit for happiness and growth".This is why the divorce rate now is so high and people really do not know "how" to actually have a "healthy relationship" that "lasts". And believe me, there is no way you can "truly" be able to satisfy this boyfriend and IMHO, he will only get to a point down the road that even if you do get into a marriage with him, he will end up cheating on you. This would not be your fault either, all it means is that he is the kind of person who will "never" truly be satisfied with "anyone".

Your "healing" journey is all about finally learning how to take care of "self" and to finally be able to "not" experience these ongoing triggers that create this up and down emotional battle that you are describing. It takes time to slowly unravel the past "dysfunctional messages" that you received growing up. As you slowly gain on finally working through and properly "mourning" whatever you did not get the help with that you had needed in your past, you will slowly "gain" on the PTSD.

Thanks for replying, I really do appreciate you taking this much time to give me your thoughts.

I think that there is great learning in this episode for me.......when my T is back I will bring it up. Today I am just numb.

Thanks again.

((Jane)),

When you get "numb" like this, all it means is you don't know how to "self care" YET.
Your question was about "you pleasing someone else" and take that out of the equation and you feel lost right? Well, that is "what you know" right now, pleasing others, well, it's time to learn how to "please yourself" and that is "not about your ability to please others equating to your worth".

You are not the only one that "struggles with this either", just spend time in the Relationship Forum, it's often the same ongoing question/challenge, only the wording changes around a bit, but it almost always boils down to the same overall challenge. Often there are challenges that come from making the decision to "give in and do for the other person" like you are describing now, only it's further down the road where that effort "still isn't enough".

OE

You are right OE...I am terrible at self care, my T tells me all the time that it is key and that I must take better care of me. It just seems so wrong...I really dont deserve to be cared for you see, even by myself. That is my core belief, but I am trying to make changes to that. Slowly and with time I think it will happen.

I am surprised abotu the response to the relationship side of my post, and I think that there are some truths for me to hear about how I interact in relationships. I just cant respond to that or explain right now.

I mostly was shocked about the realisation that this goes all the way back to my infancy....I had shut this out and to realise that my worth was judged by my perceived 'weight' by my family is totally new information to process. I mean I knew my mother particularly was HORRID to me about weight etc.......but have never connected the dots to my present responses. And I think I have loads more to discover too.

My mother withheld milk from me as a baby (I found out recently) because I was not as skinny as my brothers................and so it started.

Yep....I have work to do

Why is that? That we feel so unworthy of being loved, by ourself or others? And that it comes out as so much self-hatred? I have been pondering the irrationality of my attitude towards myself. It sounds like this is a trait common to all of us. Jane, when you talk about being judged based upon your weight, that sounds so familiar to me. Except for me growing up, it was all about grades in school. Had to be perfect. No bad grades on anything, I had to get straight A's. and I did, it actually wasn't hard, it was one little thing I could control when so much else was beyond my control. Looking back, I wonder how I was ever able to pull that off given how I was forced to live under such fear and tension.

Then it takes on a life of its own. You probably, I am guessing, judge yourself based in your weight. When I graduated high school, I thought I had real potential in life. All based on intelligence and academics. Well, intelligence is only partof the equation, the other is emotional health and stability, and anyone who grew up in a nightmare dysfunctional family struggles with the emotional side. I crashed and burned academically my first term at college, and it was the start of an adulthood filled with mainly acceptance of the mediocre, with a few little bursts of "I should do better". Mostly, I have felt like a loser, and have been treated like such by immediate family. Yet one thing they do not appreciate is the fact I sacrificed several opportunities I did have because I was afraid of leaving my mother alone with him. Then after he died, it was simply a matter of her not being alone because of age and health. Yet I get no credit for that. I'm just the family slacker. We get out into these roles by others, they try to define us by what they perceive is our biggest fault, instead of appreciating our good qualities. And then as adults we take it to heart and do the same to ourselves.

I understand the " how" but still do not understand the "why" I do it.

Sorry Johnny you went through tough times too.

I really relate....weight was not my only measure of 'not being good enough'. I did not play sports (well I did, a few...but for fun, not competitively) well enough, I spoke too much, I was either too intelligent or too 'wordy' , too something or not enough soemthing else. I too crashed and burned in my first year at university....you see I wasn't good enough for my parents to pay for it (although they did my brothers before me and sister after), so I had 2 or 3 jobs trying to pay for it that I never attended enough classes.

I think we could go on and on with the hows, you are right.......I am still discovering them. The whys are what keep me awake and make me struggle. That and those small t traumas, and then the big ones that I cant yet face. Also the how to get over it, past it and have a worthwhile, content life.

I am frustrated and sad that what happened in my childhood has been played out time and again into adulthood.......I hope for change and to be the best me I can be.

Me, too, I hope for better, but I also realize it can't be a passive thing, like people I know who are convinced one day they will win the lottery and be wealthy. It takes really hard work, painfully hard. And the tougher the spot you are in I guess the harder you have to push back. I try to keep that in mind, but I have many days I feel a little hopeless. But, we keep going, we are fundamentally survivors to get this far. I've been pretty down for a few weeks, I have a really bad cold, and I don't really feel up to it, but I need to get to the gym for my group fitness class. I know I will feel better afterwards.

What is it with triggers???? Its like you just discover one and then become super sensitive to it?? Coluld it be that if it has been burried and ignored for a long time but then resurfaces into consciousness that you become incredibly sensitive for a while?

In chat tonight they began talking about weight and I had a total freak out...not to them...just sitting here on the pc. Overwhelmed, crying, scared, start to sweat, needing to run away, and now nauseous and even more exhasuted.......ugh this feels too much at times. Can not wait for my T to get back and talk this stuff out.

It's probably always been a trigger Jane... just that rihgt now, it's like a raw wound. Of course the mention of it when you aren't expecting it is going to be a lot more jarring. It's ok to have had a freak out about it!

I worried a lot about whether or not my thoughts and were "normal" since I was initially misdiagnosed as bipolar. So, I ask my therapist and psychiatrist all of the time about y reactions to triggers, events, etc, and thy always say it is a very normal reaction. I especially liked what the doctor told me about anxiety, she said tht. As long as it isn't affecting your ability to function, it's ok, just realize it's temporary, it will pass. She said if you need to cry, cry.

Yes, I do think when you recognize that something current is a trigger of past memories or emotions, you do become very aware of it and very sensitive to it. I know I do.

And, I definitely have those times when my appointment can't one fast enough. I really need to run things by her, before they get out control in my mind.

Today is a day off work for me, thankfully, so I am trying to be good to myself. I even managed a bit over 6 straight hours sleep after doing some guided meditation.

Today is my usual T appointment, but he wont be back from leave til next week. I figure a bit of support here will be useful this morning, so have a cup of peppermint tea and will read for a while.

Thanks again OE, Johnny &redpanda for your support......I find it encouraging, and good to know I am not alone on this journey.