[MotownJohnny]

My method of problem solving is full out frontal attack with heavy artillery. Use every resource I can to go at it.

When the problem was the most grave threat I had ever faced, the prospect of being ruined by a MH situation, I really went all out. I put together what I considered "the team" and worked on "the plan".

The team - all of the people I have turned to for professional assistance with it - psychiatrist, psychologist, hypnotherapist, massage therapist, integrative medicine doctor, guided imagery specialist all for the mental health aspect. To deal with my physical health issues, I have been treated by my primary care doctor, as well as a cardiologist, neurologist, pulmonologist, and chiropractor. For the fitness component, I am currently working with three personal trainers, a triathlon coach, a swimming instructor, and a registered dietician. I even signed up and started at a weight loss center a few weeks ago, just to give myself incentive to get the last excess body fat off, which has vexed me for like a year now.

The plan- do everything possible to maximize my mental health, my physical health, and to try and be happy. I had to address a lot of past issues, including the damage years of living a high-stress lifestyle, poor nutrition, weight gain, aging, lack of exercise did to me.

I do a lot, I work hard at it. I can say without a doubt that if I had done nothing after I fell apart, I would have offed myself in short order. Even with all of that, it has not been easy, and I hit a very low spot emotionally last December-January where I did think about doing myself in, because I still felt hopeless in the disconnect of my inner mind.

The inner mind is a place where I exist as a tortured soul, always worrying about being exposed as "some crazy guy" and cast out from my life. I thought I had done a pretty good job of putting all of that behind a maximum strength containment field, I had a real change of mood, of attitude, and of outlook back in February/March. I finally had some optimism, and felt I could have a future.

I am sure I don't need to tell anyone here this, but it can take very little to trigger. A few days ago, my lead personal trainer told me he is leaving. Out of all of the people I have turned to, other than my therapist, I consider him the most important to me, emotionally, and I have spent far more time with him than anyone else. But, he also is very available at any time via text/phone/skype, and he actually contacts me almost every day to check on me.

The thought of him leaving just devastated me. And, mulling that over yesterday morning during a 60 mile bike ride, which is when I am truly alone to think in a way I can't otherwise, my "me time", I realized that 1) falling apart over a situation is the same old m.o. that got me in trouble my entire life, and especially in 2012; and, 2) I think I rely far too much on external support as a substitute per inner strength - don't get me wrong, a support system is great, but ... Only to a certain extent, when it becomes an excuse for not doing the work yourself, it has gone too far, IMHO.

Thoughts, please.

[IchbinkeinTeufel]

Wow. Jaw was dropped through most of that. Then the jaw dropped even more at the 60 mile bike. 'o.O In the last week, I've biked 44 miles, but 60 miles in one day? The most I've done in a day is 12.4 miles, although on an exercise bike, 8/8 setting, but still! Jesus, that's impressive. EDIT: actaully, that's the recent most, but the mostmost was 16 or so miles, but I think I took a quick breather mid-way, because my glutes were sore! lol

Anywho, ... this is just my opinion: recovery isn't always about speed and strength like it can be when we workout, ... sometimes it's more the opposite; sometimes it's just a case of taking it one step at a time, something you haven't really done. :P Dude, you went full-steam ahead, and that's great if you're working out, sorta, but not so great when you're dealing with something as sensitive as mental health. The good news is that you want to get better; that drive will probably ultimately end up with you being a better person for it. I wish I had your conviction.

I think I can understand the thing about the personal trainer, even though I've never had one; I've always done that kinda thing alone, ... the only thing close to a personal trainer I've had, is my step-mother, who's a qualified fitness instructor so of course, I've gone to her for tips. xD I must admit, if I didn't have her, I'd be at a loss! But, yeah, there's something about someone support you through those times, that kinda connects on a different level, right? Or am I imagining that? I just know IF I had a personal trainer (part of me has always wanted one) I would definitely be gutted if they left or something, after accomplishing so much because of them.

Anyways, take it easy, ... one step at a time, Johnny.

[Teacake]

The name to google is Gabor Maté. This is the narcissistic wound. It is the wound of early attachment and attunement. Every person living has some issue there. PTSD folk have had enough that it raised our stress levels and changed our developing brains in childhood. We were primed for PTSD. This is one explanation for why some combat vets don't get PTSD. Their childhood attachment and atrunement needs were adequately met. Mine weren't. My mother was defective and I was complicated. I got enough attachment attunement early on that my only dx is PTSD. I still have narcissistic/attachment issues. It's amazing what a psychodynamic therapist can do...or even loving supportive relationship and insight.

Don't scold yourself for being reliant upon others. Life is with people. Your current loss troubles you because it triggers the memory-feelings, or the complex, of earlier losses. Being left, saying goodbye seeing a friend off at the airport, can trigger very subtle or not so subtle wounds from earliest life.

You can't avoid all attachment because people move away or die. That's not living. That's not life.

I'm not sure anyone has a good treatment for these childhood attachment issues. What seems to happen spontaneously is if you can keep from getting flooded, which means keep your stress hormone levels balanced, the mind will work out itself. Bercelis TRE works. Working out to exhaustion works. Both flip high dopamine/low serotonin hyperarousal to low dopamine high serotonin parasympathy.

Maybe we need a companion in the form of a therapist. When The symptoms are physiological I rhink ae deserve a therapist who understands mind body connection, not just that there is one but what it is and how it works and how to coax body to calm so the mind can let go its traumas.

[SkyWhite]

I have to agree with Zwangsstörung that dealing with mental health issues is far, far different than working on a healthier lifestyle. I'm not cycling 60 miles, but working out at least an hour a day, stopped eating sugar, lost 30 lbs so far, self soothing and all that. Then, just when I think I have things together somewhat re: abandonment issues, my T can't see me for 4 weeks. Aaaaaaaahhhhh. It's been one week and I tear up thinking I have 3 more weeks to go.

Have patience with yourself in terms of treating your mental health. It feels like 2 steps forward and 3 steps back sometimes. All the healthy stuff you're doing is definitely going to help your progress in the long run.

[Open Eyes]

Mowtown, you have a lot of good advice here. Of course you are feeling a big loss here, you finally found a person who "sees you" and actually "took an interest" in you, which is something you were missing from a very early age. That is what Teacake was describing.

Experiencing another male like that who rewarded you with caring and rewarded you for your efforts was "helping that inner child that missed that". That caring relationship inspired you to do all the other positive things, and that is what is supposed to take place when we are children, and that many of us who suffer from complex PTSD did not get. However, that never meant those who suffer like that were "unworthy", and that is where you begin to go with this separation, you were not ready for that to happen "yet". Well, your inner child had a lot of catching up to do so you could get to that level where you gained enough support to where you could strike out on your own with more "self esteem".

My last post to you was to encourage you to remain positive and realize that this person is still there, but he has chosen to improve his life by going to a new place and taking his skills and doing more. That doesn't mean he is deserting you, as you can still communicate with him and even at some point visit him and possibly gain some ideas for yourself to possibly take a new direction.

It is important to understand "why" you feel this way, and work on not "feeding into the negative", and I know that can be hard. You have really done so well and deserve to continue to do so. You really have taken the wheel of healing yourself in every way, I am always so impressed with you for that, you are setting a good example for others here as you are inspiring.

You "can" move forward, meet other individuals that can also add value to your life, you actually have been doing that if you think about it. You need to continue to give yourself that right, as you do that more and more, you will overcome more and more because you will have created a new pathway in your brain that is healthier, it just takes time.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[JaneC]

I'm sorry you are losing someone who has been soo supportive of you. That mst really hurt.

Johnny, I have spent most of my life avoiding the need of support from others, whilst deep down always wishing I had it. I think this has been one of the worst things I have done, and also believe it is going to be a big area of growth for me......being ok accepting help and support from others in healthy ways.

I just do not think that as human beings we are meant to live solitary lives, totally independent of needing or wanting help from other human beings. And to pursue that goal is living a life of avoidance. I hope you hear this in the caring manner it is meant...... this statement of yours "I thought I had done a pretty good job of putting all of that behind a maximum strength containment field" ......is surely a defensive, avoidant one. I know, I am an expert in this.

Being extremely efficient, accomplished, high achieving etc person.....was only avoiding what I needed to heal from....I was doing the best cover-up job in the world.....sounds like you are too.

Find support, the right type for you, please.....stay on your journey, take your time and heal Johnny.

[MotownJohnny]

Moi, defensive? Avoidant? Perish the thought

Oh, I completely agree, a good support system is vital. I just think I took it a little too far -- I rely on all of these outside people essentially to be "paid friends".

It's hard to find friends. Especially when you're an adult and don't quite "fit in" with the way most people live - married with children. And it's even harder finding a romantic interest - trust me, I have a knack for finding out in short order that any woman I am even vaguely interested in is married, usually with some kind of remark like "you're a great guy, I'd date you if I weren't married." (True remark, someone I found quite fascinating said that to me about 3 weeks ago, and I had no idea she was married until she said it).

I know, this thread is going on a tangent. Bottom line, though, is that I am resolved NOT to do the same old thing, which is "take it so hard" and "feel lost". I am trying to learn "new ways of moving on" in all things, and obviously, life changes, not always the way we want, and "rolling with the punches" is a lot better than being overwhelmed.

[Open Eyes]

Well, while you have found support by "paying for it", you are finding people who know more and their interest is in helping others.

It can be hard to find friends because of how so many people get busy with their lives and responsibilities and they don't socialize as much or take time out to have friends. That is another reason why you are finding "friends" through paying for it because these people are busy too with their lives but their lives revolve around spending quality time with other people. Yet they are still "nice" people and are the kind of people you should have around you that would be "good friends".

Did you ever try a dating service? A lot of people have done well with that you know.

OE

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Did you ever try a dating service? A lot of people have done well with that you know.

OE

It seems the last resort of the truly desperate ... like me ... but it seems so ... tacky.

[SkyWhite]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

It seems the last resort of the truly desperate ... like me ... but it seems so ... tacky.

It's not tacky. It's quite normal. So many people do it now.

[MotownJohnny]

I know... there are a million variations, a million sites. Something for everyone. I'm just not ... sure I want to "stoop to that"

ok, who are we really kidding -- the real truth is, I still feel woefully inadequate. What woman in her right mind would want to get involved with a mess like me? That's what runs through my mind, whenever I think of dating.

At least, my goal is to get to place where "a mess like me" no longer applies. At least I have a goal.

[SkyWhite]

When I did this many years ago, it was a good way to just get out of my apt. and talk to another human. The thing is to have no expectations.

One of my best male friends is someone I met on a dating service. We clicked because he had MH issues too. Eventually, he ended up introducing me to my current partner.

You never know how these things are going to work out until you try.

[splitimage]

I think all the work you're doing on yourself is awesome, but you need to have some fun to. Everybody does.

Can I suggest meetup.com - It's not a dating site. If you're in any kind of urban centre in north America, your city will probably have a meetup site. The groups are people who want to get together around a common interest or activity. I use meetup a lot, and have really met some great people through it. I'm single, never married, and in my mid 40's, so we sound like we have some similarities. Through meetup, I've joined a book club, joined a bowling league, found 2 different meditation groups that I meet with semi regularly, joined a purely social group that organizes things like euchre and trivia nights, and a dinner club that goes out for dinner to a different ethnic restaurant every month. The nice thing, I find with meetup is the majority of people using it, want to meet other people, so everyone is friendly, and you have a common activity or interest to get the conversation going. I agree with you that as an adult, making new friends is hard, but I find this to be a really good way to meet people.

splitimage

[Open Eyes]

Yes splitimage I know people that have joined a meetup group and have met other people and have a lot of fun. No expectations, just people getting together with activities having fun and interacting.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

It seems the last resort of the truly desperate ... like me ... but it seems so ... tacky.

It is tacky. It is also creepy. And as desperate as going to bars. And it cant be safe.

I like to be able to watch a man and get a sense of his character, over time. I like to know him pretty well, and even have some feeling of affection, liking, respect, fondness, before twirling my hair, which I read in a book, is the signal to begin flirtation.

There is a lot of subconscious communication between people that happens long before either thinks about approaching the other. It cant be good or safe to circumvent it.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by MotownJohnny

I know... there are a million variations, a million sites. Something for everyone. I'm just not ... sure I want to "stoop to that"

ok, who are we really kidding -- the real truth is, I still feel woefully inadequate. What woman in her right mind would want to get involved with a mess like me? That's what runs through my mind, whenever I think of dating.

At least, my goal is to get to place where "a mess like me" no longer applies. At least I have a goal.

I can only speak from my own experience, and not judge something that works nicely for others. I won't call dating sites names, but I will say this.....they were not my cup of tea, or coffee for that matter!! I hated it, very quickly. I found meet-up a much better way of making friends, because I actually realised that I wasn't after a partner right then.....I just needed friends.

Oh my....the stories I could tell!

And Johnny, "a mess like me"?........ I think Dr Seuss had it right....

We are all a little weird and
Life's a little weird,
And when we find someone whose
Weirdness is compatible with ours,
We join up with them and fall in
Mutual weirdness and call it Love.


go find yours.....

[Ryan.l.s]

personally I am ashamed to make friends offline; embarrassed by what they may see in terms of my home life and my personal life and also ... just frightened about how they might choose to respond to it.

will they be extremely turned off or weirded out? will my brother make a fool out of me in front of them?

I feel that i cannot make frnds or form any type of real relationship until I get older and am more able to take control of my life.

pathetic? I think so, but past experiences and even recent experiences have made me have this frame of mind