[usehername]

At 9 am on Sunday November 23rd, I awoke to my 18 year old brother screaming at my mom to wake up... I walked in to find her in her bed, her lips dark blue. I told him to call 911. They told us to lift her out of bed and onto the floor because CPR doesn't work on a soft surface. We gently moved her, and I started cpr.

Her skin was mottled, her belly purple and bloated... I'm a healthcare provider and know the signs of death, but for some reason, I still did those chest compressions until the paramedics arrived. My 12 year old daughter saw all of this.

The paramedics worked tirelessly on my already gone mother for about an hour before they finally called it. Her death certificate reads the time they arrived.

After they pronounced her dead, and told us, they brought the chaplain in. Again, I'm a healthcare provider, and I know this process all too well, but was in denial.

A sheriff showed up, then another. Both questioned everyone in the house twice, including my daughter. At this point, my 24 year old sister (because I called her) and the next door neighbor had arrived (uninvited).

Next, a forensics team and more cops arrived. They took pictures of my mother, her room, her bed, all of her psych meds, etc. My sister has flashbacks triggered by a flash now.

After the forensic team finished, they started along with all of the other cops until the medical examiner arrived, hours later.

The medical examiner took more pictures, did whatever she does, and then have me her card, telling me a bunch of things I can't remember. As the eldest child, I received a lot of cards and jargon that day.

My mother's best friend asked to hold her hand for a few minutes before they took her, abd the ME refused, in case there was foul play because she was only 50 and in perfect health. I believe there may have been, to some degree.

Next, they took her away in a body bag. We had to move all the furniture, abd I had to secure the animals while they set up to load her out. Knowing I'd already be scarred for life, I chose to go somewhere else while they bagged and moved her.

The next few hours were a complete blur. Lots of phone calls. I couldn't cry. Not until all the people left.

I am having flashbacks of the events of that awful day, particularly of the way she looked when we moved her, and the gurgling sounds she made as we did. I can barely leave my house (the one where I lived with her, the one she died in) because they're so bad. My pdoc has me on three benzos to keep me out of hysteria, and to try to control the flashbacks.

She was my best friend and we were raising my child together. I was helping her take care of my siblings. To say we were close is a vast understatement. We were inseparable. We were a team. I am now taking care of most of her responsibilities as well as my own. This is just too much...

[GeminiNZ]

I am so sorry for your loss, and for everything you are having to deal with around it.

Sending you support.

[Yoda]

[CosmicRose]

I am so sorry. Words can't even express the emotions I feel for how sorry I am for you right now because this is my absolute worst nightmare.
My dad is my best friend. He is elderly and on many medications for his health problems. He is literally my support system. I am in an almost constant perpetual state of red alert just for the day when I find him. I will probably go into hysterics, honestly.
I just hope they don't haul me off to an institution when it actually happens, I really hope I can somehow hold it together that day and every day after. No idea how I'll do it.
I'm sorry to make this about me, but I want you to know you aren't alone and I'm so sorry for your loss.
You will never forget your mother or the gifts she imparted to you throughout her life and yours.
Death is as natural as birth, and we all must face it one day or another. Just knowing she never has to feel pain again, never has to feel stresses of life and daily anxiety or any negativity anymore. Try to cling to the good in life and appreciate all the positives in every way you can.
I can tell how important she is to you. I realize now that the best gift I will have after my dad passes away, is always having his memory and his personality right there in my mind. So that whenever I miss him, need his advice, etc...I can always just imagine him and what he would say in a situation and the advice he would give me and its way accurate, even now I'm imagining it and he's in the next room sleeping so this technique can be used at any time for you as well.
I hope this helps you.

i'm so sorry for your loss.

i can't even begin to comprehend what you're going through.

know that PC is a sanctuary where you are free to vent and gain emotional support from us. feel free to PM me.

[Open Eyes]

(((usehername))),

OMG, that is so tragic, sudden and not anything anyone could be prepared to experience. Ofcourse you are at such a loss to process all that right now, even to believe it happened is something you will need to talk about as you have here. That is something that happens to someone else, something one may hear about that is a rather rare occurance, surely not something anyone would ever imagine ever experiencing themselves. And that is not something your mother would want you to go through either, as I am sure she loved you very much and always wanted the best for you. In light of that, please know that she would want you to get support with your grieving, but to also continue on and use all the postives she gave you to comfort you. No, she is not there physically, however, she is there "in you" and you will always have that. She would not want you to focus on the tragic loss ((usehername)), she would rather you focus more on all the other special things you shared together. If you sat quietly by yourself and thought about how she would comfort you, that is how she would talk about this with you. She would not want you to focus on one day, when she had provided you with so many other days and years that had so much quality in them, in both friendship and love. It is hard to see that right now, I know, but "slowly" take time out's and just think about how she would want you to "heal" and remember all of the good.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[Alone & confused]

I am SO SORRY! My heart goes out to you! I lost a grand baby in Nov. and am still grieving but the circumstances were less dramatic as what you went through! That is so sad to hear! Keeping you in my thoughts! I know how hard it is to try and stop those kinds of images from replaying over and over again! I truly feel for you!

[Ocean5]

usehername many hugs and support! So much Support

I can't imagine your experience. I lived away from mom and asked apartment security to check on my mom. I kept calling and they wouldn't tell me anything!!! Then they said an ambulance arrived. I kept asking them to contact security guard they sent. They said they couldn't. This may be rural american but no cb, cell phone or wireless? I knew it was bad. They weren't telling me!!! 20 minutes later a police officer called and it wasn't like movies. they didn't even ask if i was sitting, or had someone to call, just my mom was passed away

[usehername]

My update: My family has all drifted off to wherever they were before, my sister got pregnant one week after my mother's death, and started school this quarter, so she's busier than ever. My mom's best friend calls me every couple days to check up on me, as I do with my siblings. My brother is on a ship somewhere, occasionally able to update his Facebook status only. No other communication is possible. I might start writing him letters, but it'll take weeks... My uncle went back to Canada with his wife. I hear from him every few weeks fir a couple minutes. My best friend doesn't have time for me, neither does my boyfriend. I'm too suspicious of the neighbors next door to be around them, given the circumstances of her death (i think they sold her pain pills). I don't really have any other friends. My mom was all I had. I'm trying to spend more time with my 12 year old, but at her age, that's hard. It's the only time I feel like life might be worth living, though. I had to take the quarter off school since I no longer have someone to watch her, and don't feel comfortable leaving her alone, or capable of getting home at 9 and walking up at 5 to get her up for school. My mother was still waking me up every morning, and bringing me fast food when I was depressed (I'm bipolar). I have plenty to do, given the massive hole she left in our household, not to mention my heart. I think I'm just ranting now. Fortunately, today is my therapy day... But there's a lot I never told my therapist. I told my mother everything, and she told me everything. I've saved all the texts I've gotten from her in the last three or four years, and we texted every time we were apart. We spent nearly all of our free time together. No matter what I'm doing, I can't stop crying while doing it... I don't understand how everyone else is just going on. But, I'm also the only one that's all alone. My therapist says I should go to a grief support group, but I hate being in groups, other than online. I can barely stand to take a shower because she's not around. We only have one bathroom, and every time I got in it to shower, she'd have to pee and we'd end up having a 5 min conversation... Most of the length of my shower. She was my best friend for 32 years. Now I have no one. I'm having a really hard day today, in fact, it seems to only get harder. And we still don't have a cause of death. She was drinking on meds she shouldn't have been drinking on, and I think my neighbors gave her pain pills. We knew the dangers, but we didn't know just how dangerous it was... I keep wishing I'd have skipped my meds, women up to her stumbling through the house and called 911. But there's nothing I can do now, except keep in mind that benzos + alcohol + pain pills = death. She had done it so many times before, and she'd been fine... I don't know what else to say other than Thank you everyone for your support.*

[Open Eyes]

(((((((((((((((((((((((usehername))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are welcome to come here and talk/vent whenever you need to. This is really going to take time, it has not been very long. You were used to having her "there" with you for your entire life, one can't "just" get over a loss like that. In so many ways she is "still" with you and always will be. It's nice that you have those conversations from her too.

It is going to take you "time" to slowly adjust to not having her here, that's just normal.
We never forget a loss, especially not one so close like that, a part of that loss will always be with you, however, you will slowly do better with adjusting to not having her presence around you.

Talking when you need to is helpful, it is normal to be in the "I can't believe it stage for a while", and as I mentioned, it helps to say that and have others who understand and listen and sit with you while you "feel" too.

(((Gentle Caring Hugs)))
OE

[CosmicRose]

If she was on any medication, they would show up in toxicology. So you will get that answer eventually.
You can print out your text conversations with her and save them in a folder along with any pictures or other memorable items so they don't get lost.

[eskielover]

I understand how you are feeling. I was an only child & my father had died almost 15 years before my mom. She ended up with cancer....but a home care person who was a friend & neighbor of my mother's boy friend manipulated her way into caring for her so that she could stay in her home until the end of her life.

The problem...I caught the home care person stealing my mother's wedding ring, writing checks, & caught her on the phone applying for a credit card using my mother's SS# & ID....had to fight to get the phone away from her & the phone went dead as I was walking back to the bedroom I was staying in......found the base phone chord cut later that morning when I started looking around at the phone......she was trying to get me out of the house it's obvious....seemed like she was trying to manipulate my mother into giving her the house & I think that my mother's BF's daughter was in on it because she felt that my mother had abused the use of her father for support during her cancer treatment & my mom called him instead of 911 when she collapsed "slid down the door" & couldn't get back up (think she had a mild stroke) but the MD's wouldn't give me any real support in caring for my mom by that point. Earlier that morning after I had placed a call to the police to find out if there was anything I needed to do after explaining everything that had been happening, I got a call on the phone......in the Caribbean accent of the home care person saying that she was a social worker & wanted to talk with my mother & listening in on the call, she was telling my mother that she needed to make sure that her family wasn't treating her badly of keeping her away from the things that she needed (like filling her brain with thoughts & Ideas)....when I asked for her name, ID, & phone number she gave me fake information because I tried calling the phone number after she hung up. The final straw was right after that, the home care person called the police accusing me of abusing my mother when she was the one that was doing all the abusing.

I understand how you felt with all the police in the house & all the rude questioning. Things worked out & my mother's trust lawyer showed up at the right time.....after the police left & I had already called to find another home care group to take care of her but they hadn't been able to come yet....later that day. So the home care person gave my mother a hand full of pills (thinking they were for the diarrhea) my mother called to me that she had dropped one of the pills that she had been given a handfull of to take & she hated taking a hand full of pills......like I was supposed to find the pill in her hospital bed or on the floor in the cramped room she was in when they finally delivered her hospital bed. Right after that my mother started to shiver uncontrollably & I gave her hot tea to try & warm her up along with sitting her on top of the heater in the house.........

There was a small battle again with the home care person when I said that I was having a new care person come that I would be interviewing....& the home care person called 911 & the police again......they weren't going to bother taking my mother to the ER but I told the EMT's to get my mother out of the house. Then had her transferred over to the hospital where her oncologist & MD's were under an ailas that the security at the hospital suggested. It was terribly confusing for my mother as like I said, I'm pretty sure that she had a mild stroke about a month before. When I went back to her house that night, I found the pill....the home care person had given my mother a hand full of her morphine pills. I had been suspicious as I was following the ambulance to the ER & asked the ER MD if it could have been an overdose & she said it was like she had an OD of sleeping pills which tied in with my thinking. I also had my H change all the locks on the doors & make sure that every window was closed tight.....I had this feeling inside that that home care person might tell my mother's BF that she had left something in the house & he had my mother's key.....& I had this vision of her coming & clearing out everything from the house just to get even.

In the hospital I filed a report against the home care person with APS & the day after that I went to the police & filed a report with them. I had gone back to stay at my mother's home (the house I grew up in) those 2 following nights but the last night before going to the police, I realized just how dangerous it was going back to that house alone at night with all the bushes that surrounded the door.......& that next morning when I walked out to the car I had this horrible feeling that there might have been a bomb planted on the car or the break lines cut..........imagination was way too vivid, but while driving to the police station.....there she was in the car right in back of me....& it was her little red car that was being driven by someone else while she sat in the passenger seat with her hand covering her forehead.

This all happened 10 years ago.....but my memory of the details is as vivid today as it was the 5 days it was all happening....PTSD has a strange way of working. I had horrible nightmares after that about having a physical fight with that home care person even though the only fight had been over the phone. My pdoc tried to give me benzo's but they did nothing for me....he finally gave me a high dose of seroquel which totally knocked me out but it was the only way I could get any sleep....& at the same time because of all the stress I ended up dealing with anorexia & ended up in the medical hospital the night my mother died needing to have IV nutrition. In some ways I guess it was good to be in the hospital as I was surrounded by support which is something that had always been an issue with my H (have since found out that I'm sure he's dealing with Asperger's the only thing that explains ALL his behaviors for the 33 years I was married to him before finally leaving.

Don't be surprised if time doesn't lessen the memories.....it's just the way PTSD works.......but understand that what you are going through & experiencing are very normal feelings. They wanted me to go to a grief group through the hospice care that in the end had been caring for my mother when I safely got her into a nursing home close to where I lived & where no one else knew where she was except for close family & friends I could trust....but the grief processing didn't help with the PTSD & didn't even touch on people who were involved with major trauma events involved in the death of their loved ones. My medical GP had the on call hospital pdoc & psychologist come in to see me daily even though they thought they were only dealing with anorexia....all I talked about was the trauma I went through.

I definitely understand the emotions you are going through & the unknown that you don't really have answers for & the trauma involved in dealing with the whole mess that was surrounding the death.

PC is full of understanding & compassionate people....I found that posting what I had gone through so many times here it also helped me process my thoughts.....hope you find the help that I have been able to find here on PC....that was actually the exact time I started posting here & my first posts were about....

Sending you kind & peaceful thoughts to help you get through all of this.....it's not easy & it's not going to be easy...but it's possible.

i just read this,

what a horrible thing to go through

i am glad you are all trying to carry on as normal now. it's bound to still be scary, but you're trying to move forward and that's good

[Nammu]

I'm so sorry for what you are going though.
What you have been though is so traumatic. Please keeping posting here as a release and to keep I touch with others, we'll listen.

[Ocean5]

*hug* allow yourself to feel what you feel and post here (i don't like groups either and feel so alone since my mom passed January 2014...ruff times for me 1 year later...

Maybe this will help...

An aunt who has experienced much loss in her life told me something. To paraphrase. It will get easier with time, but when you lose someone so special to you the loss is always there. That person is always in your heart.

Now I'm not sure of your mom's situation. But one thing that helped me a lot to grieve was to understand my mom was "finally at peace." It brought me much comfort - even though I felt so so alone.... It's actually the first thing her oldest brother told me when I called...she was "finally at peace." She was abused by her father and husband. Medicated most of her adult life (nothing helped...doctors at a lose what to do.)

I want to leave you with this. Morning 3 days after my mom passed I felt my mom wanted me to hear the song "Refugee" by Melissa Etheridge. I downloaded the album on Rhapsody. Main lyric being "you don't have to live like a refugee." (to give you idea of my life feelings...) But phone messed up in middle, and skipped to song "This is Not Goodbye". I was in public on a nature trail with views from my apartment buildings. I walked for an hour or two listening to "This is Not Goodbye" and crying. Yea I'm a guy seriously crying in public while walking. I didn't care at that point what neighbors thought. Seriously my mom passed. Who can judge that??? (I had also been living in new city less than 2 months..so didn't care what people thought at that point.)

"This Is Not Goodbye" by Melissa Etheridge. (not official video..just close eyes and listen..)

Here are lyrics...

"Bravely you let go of my hand
I can't speak yet you understand
Where I go now, I go alone
This path I walk, these days of stone

And the angels are calling

I must go away
Wait for me here, silently stay
And don't ask me why
Only believe this is not goodbye

All of my strength, all my desire
Still cannot melt this breath of fire
I go to meet some kind of test
Bury the truth that scars my chest

And the angels are calling and calling

I must go away
Wait for me here, silently stay
And don't ask me why
Only believe this is not goodbye

I gathered all my courage
I shaved off all my fear
With this banner on my shoulder
I hold your essence near

And the angels are calling and calling and calling

I must go away
Wait for me here, silently stay
And don't ask me why
Only believe this is not goodbye
Only believe this is not goodbye"

......

[usehername]

My mother suffered a lifetime battle with depression, and I'm glad she's no longer suffering... But the last two years of her life were the happiest I'd ever seen her. It seemed like everything was finally starting to go right for her. And then she was gone. I had so many plans with her, we all did... When she was little, my grandmother went to Disneyland without her. I thought that was terribly selfish, so I was going to make it right. She was saving her vacation up for summer to go with me and my daughter. Now, we're spending her vacation pay on rent. It just feels wrong. I don't think I have the will to go on without her... I understand what she did that night completely. I wish I could go with her, but all these people she left behind need me.

[usehername]

She will never be able to see me get married someday, she doesn't get to see her new grandbaby, she won't get to see my sister or brother get married, she won't get to see his kids, she won't get to see all his cool navy achievements... She won't get to see me or my sister graduate college... These are the things she lived for. All I can think is how hollow it all feels without her. She was the center of everything, and she was all we had. My brother lost his father in 99 to a cold. A COLD. My father was a heroin addict who beat her and is presumed dead, I haven't seen him in 30 years, he's made no effort to see me. My sister's father is unfit to be a father and my sister is preparing to take the child living with him in with her. Our grandmother is in a home with advanced dementia, our grandfather is a child molester - needless to say, he's not around... There is no one left.

[Open Eyes]

Personally, I believe that when a person dies, only their body dies and their life energy lives on only the person is no longer burdened with the way life can be such a challenge.
I believe your mother's love and essence is still very much with you, just not in the physical sense. So while she may not be with you physically when you go to disneyland, she will be with you spiritually and will want you to have a good time.

[eskielover]

There is no one left.

I can relate to that.....my father died 15 years before my mother & my mother died 10 years ago of cancer. My daughter lives 1000 miles away from me & I finally left my H after 33 years of a bad marriage & I moved 2100 miles away to a place where I didn't know anyone. I started my life completely over & now I am surrounded by the most wonderful people & my church & friends are my new family who are better & less dysfunctional than any family I have ever had for my whole life. I made that move 7 years ago & it was the best thing I ever did in my whole life.

It may not feel like any new door is opened because of all the grief you are feeling but you don't know what the future REALLY holds that you can't even anticipate at this point.

I had so much PTSD issues because of the home care person that it took me over a year to get back into my Mom's house, the house I grew up in....but was finally able to clear it out & sell it & from that was able to make a new life for myself.

What feels like the end of the world now can end up opening up interesting new beginnings when the grief processing has been experienced for a few years.

I agree, those thoughts that your mom won't be able to see all those wonderful things happening in your lives & that does hurt but her memory lives on in all of you & she will be there in your hearts even though not there physically.

Loss is always difficult especially when you think things are finally going well & getting better & when there is trauma involved in her death that makes your grieving process all that much more difficult as there can also be some anger feeling in there regarding her putting you through what you had to go through because of what happened (at least I experienced that).

Death of a loved one/close family is NEVER an easy thing to deal with& takes a long time to process especially when the feeling that the death shouldn't have happened (unlike someone dying of cancer that may be inevitable or after a long term with Alzheimer's). There are a lot of very difficult emotions to deal with & it does take a long time.

My prayers are with you & your whole family during this very difficult time.

[Tsukiko]

How brave and strong you are for not only sharing this immensely painful information with others and reaching out for help but also for going through this experience and not giving up. Your mom would be proud of your courage during this extremely difficult time.
Please take some small comfort in knowing that you have love and support here at PsychCentral. We'll help you as best we can.

[usehername]

It hurts so bad I can't breathe and I know it's never going away... I keep reliving that day. I've never been closer to anyone than I was too her and I don't think I ever can be that close to anyone ever... I don't think that kind of closeness is possible with just anyone. She was my best friend... We used to joke that we were like a married couple. I don't know how to go on without her, but I know I don't want to. I can't think of anything to look forward to that won't feel empty in her absence... I feel like I'm dying inside.

[Open Eyes]

((usehername)), yes, the way you loved your mother so much is going to be a challenge to slowly learn to accept her passing. I believe you when you are trying to discribe how much it hurts, and even breathing is hard, extreme grief can do that. Ofcourse you don't know how to keep going without her in your life, that is something one slowly learns how to do one day at a time. What "can" help is being with others who can validate your challenge in a very personal way and there are groups that meet because it does help to have someone to listen to you and lean on. When one tries to do this alone, it's harder as there is no one there to lean on and that is important to have as you slowly learn how to gradually live your life one day at a time without this individual that was really such a big part of your life. Also, just being with people that are experiencing this kind of loss as you are can actually help you find the kind of person who is capable of having this kind of deep relationship too. Sometimes life experiences that are profound like this can actually open doors to experiencing things that enrich our lives in ways we never imagined. But right now, you are not going to see that, one only gets exposed to that when they reach out and find others who struggle too. You may not feel ready for that at the moment, but I strongly suggest you make an effort, especially if you find yourself having too many bad thoughts. Bad thoughts, thoughts about giving up on life come when we genuinely are overcome emotionally and don't know how to get past all the emotions. What really helps with that is having a presence that will listen as you slowly talk them out. That can be a grief counselor, and typically these individuals know of a good support group too. It is important that you understand that how you feel is normal and that with time, you "can" learn to slowly make gains and learn.

(((Gentle Caring Supportive Understanding Hugs)))
OE

[aged2324]

Love being sent to you....you are strong even when you feel week...you are not alone...God be with you tonight and each day

[eskielover]

Don't forget that you are NOT just dealing with the grief....you are also dealing with the PTSD that her death left you to deal with......that complicates the grieving process so much more also & actually takes some very specialized help to deal with & to process what you are going through. It's like it magnifies every emotion & feeling that exists & makes it that much more difficult to process thoughts & feelings.

It's no wonder you are feeling the way you are.....but with someone specialized in handling PTSD along with grief....they should be able to help you process your emotions. It doesn't make the loss any easier it just makes it so that you understand the emotions you are having & have a lot more compassion for yourself & what you are going through.

[usehername]

Thank you all for your replies... It helps to have someone listening... I am seeing a therapist, and she's pushing me for group therapy. I'm no good at in person groups, so we'll see how it goes. We are still trying to piece together the events of the night she died... It's so hard to even think about... We still don't have a cause of death, or any information... They think it was alcohol related, but her BAC was only 0.05. I don't see how such a tiny amount could kill anyone... I'm becoming more and more amazed at how dangerous alcohol really is... And weed is illegal??? What are we thinking??