I have never known... and I never will know..

Triggers are everywhere... everywhere.. there is no safe place.. there is no safe.. anywhere..

why bother?

freewill-

triggers-- darn things!

I think that without ever experiencing trauma, I'd be able to things that regular people do, things like for example- in yoga-- due to tensed body since I was a wee little one, my muscles are shorter than the average woman(i'm small frame and underweight so people think I'm faking my difficulty) I'm not able, but so desire, to reach my toes and do all those positions that seem to come so easy for most others and they even say it feels GOOD!!-- when I am in such horrible pain doing less than what they do .

I have triggers that I've just discovered in the past few years and I am sure there are some yet to be discovered.

I've been told that triggers don't actually go away-- it's the understanding and learning to cope with them that helps to bring peace in ones life, at least that's what I've researched and have been told,
and I'm working so very hard at it.......

mandy

Just trying to deal with them myself too

thanks mandy

metime

[Yoda]

It has taken me a long time to learn this but being alive with PTSD beats being dead.

The pain has not and I doubt ever will go away but it is the better than not feeling anything anymore.

Never lose hope.

[wrenchergirl]

I'm only now realizing how great of an impact PTSD has had and will always have on my life. Now that I've gone through healing and living with my life partner and trying to build a life together there are so many things that other people think nothing of that send me into chaos. Small things that are usually signs of endearment turn into me ending up offending her because of my reaction *sigh*. All the times I need to be by myself to recenter and keep myself balanced that she feels is a rejection of her, or at least makes her feel lonely. Only when all of this started coming up did I really understand what it means to live with PTSD. On better days I can console myself that at least I found someone willing to try to have a life with me. But I sure would love to feel what it was like not to have to live with PTSD.

[Kiya]

it would be having a normal day where some unknown trigger didn't just set me off in to; anxiety or a MPD response or feeling like i'm in a warzone watching for the next attack.
It would mean being able to do a "movement meditation" without it giving me panic attacks.
Driving my car while wearing a little tee shirt and not having a flashback with the seat belt touching me.
Beging able to be touched by another human being.
maybe even feeling safe - or even knowing what "safe" feels like.
Not triggering when parents get after their kids just for being kids.

[salukigirl]

personally im actually thankful for the things ive gone through. even though i have nightmares and am terrified of things for no reason, if i had never gone through it i wouldnt be who i am today and i like who i am. i now know that it could always be worse. i like not being one of those people who cant empathize with anything because their lives have never been disrupted. i like being able to talk to anyone about anything and have them understand that ive been there. its made me a better person in the long run so im thankful for it. i think if you always dwell on what could have been youll never fully grow from your experience. imo, you cant constantly think about what it would be like if whatever had never happened, you need to learn from it. and you can probably say the same things and be greatful for them also.

if you had never had that experience, you wouldnt be able to provide someone with a sounding board. you wouldnt be able to talk with people on here. you wouldnt know what your rock bottom is and you wouldnt be as good at coping with things. i know that i can live out of my car and be fine and i know that if a guy attacks me i can beat him up. get what im saying?

[heyjoe]

food for thought

you.. know... I do understand your postive outlook on life... and I respect it...

However, for me.... being "shattered" into alters... and missing time... and living my life thru my alters... for me that puts a "different" spin on things....

I believe... that if I could have gone thru the really terrible things that I have in life... and kept my mind as "one" and not shattered... well....life... my life.. would be mine... and not shared with all the alters.....

And perhaps... it is the degree of abuse and neglect... and the many.. many surgeries that I have endured... that
brings up my question for what would life be like without PTSD...the surgeries even extended my PTSD... they were life threatening... and scary.. and very painful

You see.... I have never once.... been allowed to experience life without alters... without PTSD... cause it started at such an early age..

Prior to this year.... I too was happy.. that I could always be there for everyone.. cause "hxlls bells"... like what haven't I been thru...in real life I can relate to just about anyone... and people sense that...

So again.... I think that it is a "nice" atitude... to have... my expeiences make the person I am today...

But... just once... for maybe a day... I would so love to experience life... undamaged... and as a "whole" person - not shattered into alters...and not have PTSD... so that one whole day... I could live "untriggered"....



for all with PTSD

[Kiya]

I get ya free... i wonder what life would be like w/o triggers. I mean, once i was living life totally chipper and positive - lil miss sunbeam. and then i went into terrible mood swings that made everyone shun me and made me suicidal. I didn't even know they were happening - how could I, with a "fractured" mind split into at least 12 seperately functioning parts? that lasted a long time. things do change and events happened that changed me (deaths, illnesses, etc) and i finally realized things weren't going well and started therapy. Now i actually see the differences, see how triggers effect me. Sometimes knowing really ain't half the battle - sometimes knowing makes it worse. I trust that at some point this will get better - that's the only thing that keeps me going forward. I still don't really know rock bottom - i've hit my "current" one several times, and each time has a new low. I know i need to learn new coping skills so that it doesn't result in cutting or suicide. Sure, my experiences have made me who i am - but i can't help but wonder who i might have been; like the little kid me who was in ice skating and was told by the instructor that i had olympic potential. Or how i had always wanted to be a dr when i was little - before my split mind became unable to pull the grades or utilize study habbits that would have allowed me to get there. I could ahve been anything - and currently i am nothing. Nothing but a struggling, pathetic mass of humanity working constantly to live a different life and free myself of these *&^$ bonds that try to hold me back. I'm make some day - if it doesn't kill me first. I'll get there. But it will be a very different "there" then what I was born to do.

[Cyran0]

I've often wondered what my life would be without the trauma. Of course, these ideas usually occur to me when I'm feeling down so it seems like life is better without them. It would have to be right? I get angry and upset and I feel completely helpless.

And then, on the good days, I step back and realize what I have. I take a final drag, smash out my smoke and go back inside, fully aware that I'll never know what I lost but that I can appreciate what I have.

Cyran0

[Kiya]

yeah - some days are like that. it is always greener on the other side. and thenthere's the days when i do appreciate things- it is nice - and last for ...no not a full day. an hour? a few hours? 20 minutes? until the next trigger. until the next cycle of ptsd, then sometimes goes into dissociation and then switching to a different alter who can then either experience life as good or bad - until the next trigger.. the next cycle, the next alter...

We must so understand each other... because I almost put the very same post last night... cause I was feeling the same way..

The next trigger...the next switch.. that ones trigger.. another switch... that ones trigger.. the next switch..

living thru the feelings.. of the PTSD.. for that alter.. after switch...

I am not complaining.. am not saying "poor me"... am just saying... to have one day... where I was free.. how very wonderful that would be...

[Kiya]

Exactly - and i was actually thinking about you when I posted. I'm not trying to say "poor me" either - just writing the facts. I don't need to be told to be grateful for things or be happy or be this or be that - i know all that, all that can be true AND there's this going on as well. sometimes it feels discounting to be told to be happy or grateful or told what to fee, how to be. it discounts the present moment of what life is like for me. I don't even always understand it myself - all i can do is to look at "who" i am now, today, see why and what trigger got me to that point. I can't even imagine a life without them.... well, i guess i had that once, but i was totally unaware of self and selves and had no idea how i got to "be" one alter or another - or even that i was switching.
it's all just part of the self awareness process.

[_Hope_]

that is such a good way to look at it Cyran0, I too try to appreciate what i have on my good days , and try to forget my pain on the bad ones.

Linda

I am not... discounting anyone.... but I guess.. perhaps this post belonged in the DID forum... I never know where to post...

I think my point with the other posts.. is.. with alters... is there a "good" day....I mean... the switching that happens... the triggers that are PTSD... that switches you.. to another alter... those... those.. are so not "good"....

I am grateful.. that I have food.. that I have shelter.. I just want one day.. one day... that I get to stay ME... and to have that I would have to have one day without PTSD..

doesn't anyone.. other that a DIDer.. get it???

[Kiya]

"Doesn't any one, other than a DIDer, get it?"

Heh - maybe not, free. but i read you loud and clear.

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger".

[salukigirl]

i didnt know you were talking about dissociative identity (im assuming thats what DID is). I couldnt even come close to understanding what its like to go through that. I thought we were just on the topic of the things like nightmares, flashbacks, being terrified of triggers without any meaning (seemingly). sorry if it felt like i was undermining your feelings. I didnt realize what exactly you meant.

(((hugs))))...

PTSD... is complicated... enough... then you throw on the DID....

I just never know where to post... ya know...

I have been sick with a really bad infection... and also the holiday.. is very hard for me..

I didn't mean to come off so strongly... I'm sorry...

[Kiya]

i'm sorry too - everything gets confused. one part is depressed, one part has general anxiety (well... several probably)... all suffer PTSD and constant triggers. Each trigger brings on one or more alters.... My poor T is so lost. Her specialty is anxiety and she gets handed me. She knows nothing about DID. She's meeting with my dr this week to try and figure out what to do with me... and that makes me REALLY nervous.
kiya

[(JD)]

PTSD is not a life sentence, though it's not currently "curable" it can become livable...and you can, with hard work, become someone with a life that you crave. Hang in there, go to therapy, do the hard work, and you will progress.

In My opinion... the therapy for DID... which Kiya and I both have.. is long... and tough... and intense... and very difficult..

It in my opinion defies description.. unless you also have it..DID..

My pdoc.. puts DID as a subset underneath.. PTSD...

I just got out of a body work session... and I went OMG.. am I actually going to live thru this.. and I actually going to make it thru to another day..I had to think.. and think hard.. to not drive into a pole in the parking lot.. and just end the whole thing.. it was an intense feeling... trying to steer away from the pole...

This is not a personal attack.. I am in some way.. just venting...because ALL... I have ever heard from any of the therapists that I've gone to.. in 23 years.. is work hard.. this will make it better... in time.. it can be made to be more comfortable..BLAH!!!!!!!!

well ... I have to say... NO one... in my opinion.. could have wored harder.. put my energy into it.. than me..

and... you know what... I still want just one day... with out PTSD.. just one day...

and.. the hard work... if I had just lived life.. instead of putting the energy into therapy... and the money into therapy..

well... my opinion.. I would have been farther ahead..

let there be peace... for all............

[(JD)]

((safe hug))) I am sure you feel that way, if you had "just lived life" but I think you would be even worse for wear now, had you not worked in therapy. Those with DID can manage with that way of coping for a long time, but it does eventually break down as they age and is no longer anything suitable to live with, imo. While therapy is always a good idea with this dx, it can seem terribly depressing in and of itself I think, if one waits until near the end of life to try and figure out why all the "craziness" and inability to manage life.

One more day without PTSD... yeah, that would be nice. But why wish for something you can't have? It only makes one more disappointed I think.

[Perna]

I was in therapy from 1970-2005 and the primary symptoms that took me into therapy didn't "go away" until around 2004. It is funny now, when I think about the mid- to late-70s when I was perhaps at my most miserable and how I'd try to imagine what it would be like not having the symptoms I did (which radically interfered with my life for anywhere from 5-15 hours a day) I couldn't imagine what life would be like, what I would do instead for that 5-15 hours. Now I can't imagine the scenarios I thought it would be like, how I'd have 5-15 "more" hours, etc. LOL. It wasn't/isn't anything like I thought it would be.

Wishes... are just wishes.... and not for disappointment... sometimes... when you close your eyes and you wish... it makes such a beautiful feeling....

And... we will agree to disagree Sky.... you cannot know... nor can anyone know... except thru my great faith in God.. who others in this thread may not share... so I speak for me... what my life would.. or would not have had without therapy..only... God knows for sure.. and again I speak for me...

I am on the very severe end of DID..... and I have had my share of very... rotten Therapists who... did more damage than good because of the DID.... sooo... yes... I wonder what life would have been like.. without always giving my money to a therapist... without putting the energy that I did into it..

and my friends..

My wish stands.. "for one day without PTSD"...

said with respect.. for everyone...but that is what I would like to experience... one day without PTSD....

and may everyone... continue to have beautiful... wishes.. to be wished...