[hangingon]

Hi #####,
Where to start….first off, I feel like I was all over the place this past session. I probably confused you. I’m trying my best to sort through all of the information in my mind, trying to make sense of it. Some of it just doesn’t make sense right now.

It’s too overwhelming for me at times. I really tried to hold back this past session and then later thought why….why do I do that? I left session and cried my eyes out in the car, part hurt, part frustration. I felt totally disconnected from everyone…..... alone.

Maybe it’s not because I am embarrassed to cry in front of you. Maybe it’s because I have dealt with this on my own my whole life and I don’t know how to let people near that part of me. I don’t know how to let you near that part of me. I couldn’t even let my own mom see that part of me because I learned early on that she just wasn’t available.

I think I bring that to session with me; I fear that I will be a burden to you that you will grow weary of me. I feel like I have to protect myself and you from that. I realize I do that with people in my everyday life as well. That I have to protect them, not let them see that side of me because it may be too much for them. Just like it was too much for my mom, enough to not believe me. It makes me think I'm protecting myself, when in reality I’m not. It keeps me disconnected from people. I don’t want to keep going on like that.

One feeling I think of is anger. I don’t know how to express it, if anything it more upsets me. I love my mom, but I am so disappointed as well. I don’t know how she could allow what she did to her daughter; on top of that to not acknowledge it. I spent most my life protecting her, taking care of her. Yet, she couldn’t hear or respond to me or my needs. That is painful. What hurts me most now is that I can’t change it; I can’t change any of it.
I’m angry that even on her death bed, I tended to her but she never opened up to me, never really told me how she felt. It left me feeling like she didn’t really care for me. It makes me feel like I’m not worth caring for. Something I have felt much of my life, something that has caused me keep people at such a distance. I know that needs to change, I just don’t know how to do it.
I hope this makes sense because I am still trying to understand it myself.
########

Her response.....
########, Allowing your anger at your mom is a big part of validating your experience and moving on with your life, and paying attention to what you need- without protecting others first. It would be helpful if we could address your anger in session. Take care, #####

I totally understand what she is saying, the thing is, I don't show anger, I don't even know how to express it; when I am angry, I more want to cry. I don't even know how we could talk about it.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))

wow - first I want to say, I am so impressed with the honesty and insight in your email. You were very brave to send that to your T. Your willingness to share those feelings, even though it's not in session, will be so helpful to you in this process.

I also really relate to your frustration about not being able to express anger. I have been frustrated lately about things I know I need to do in order to be able to heal, but I just don't know HOW to do it!
I guess the first step to learning is awareness....and then we have to be patient with ourselves.
My T has said that part of the therapy process is unraveling all the threads that have created the whole of our experience, like a tapestry...and once we unravel them and figure out how they were put together, we can create something new and beautiful from them.

It sounds like you're working hard......
try to do something nice for yourself, ok?

[Perna]

"I don't even know how. . ." it's a learning process. Just as you didn't go from first grade straight to senior in high school, you don't learn new emotional things instantly either! It's all learning but on a different plane than head learning. You are saying your mother didn't know how either, didn't know how to tell you she cared for you, so how could she teach you and where else would you have learned? That's what you can learn working with your T but it will take time.

[hangingon]

Thank you,
It's so confusing right now. Today is her birthday, the first since her death. I went to her grave for the first time today since her funeral. I felt completely numb, I love her but am so dissappointed.
I hate this stuff......

((((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon)))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't really know how to express anger either...and I really haven't tapped into what I imagine must be a HUGE storehouse of anger somewhere inside of me.

But when I went to therapy, I really didn't know how to express ANY feelings or ANY needs. Now I can express my needs, and I can express and feel love, and I can admit when I am sad or my feelings are hurt, and when I am sad enough I can cry. I've had little microbursts of anger since starting therapy - sometimes at T, and we will work it out, sometimes at other people, and I'll write with BIG BLACK CRAYON and get it out on paper and even burn it sometimes. But the angry moments are few and far between.

I know that in my life, anger has always been a scary, scary, scary thing. I've never really SEEN "healthy" anger. T and I come around to this sometimes- that this is something I need to learn - but we always drift away from it. I'm sure we'll get there eventually.

It really is a process. Just start noticing when you feel angry (like you did in your e-mail) and let yourself grow from there. You (and I!) will get there...

[chaotic13]

Hangingon,

I don't know how to express... Either. I think I am very good at projecting indifference, and disconnectedness but that is about it. I will say that at least now...I'm able to acknowledge that I FEEL something. I have been able recently to laugh and express some less intense things...so I feel like I am making some progress. I've felt angry at mother but the most express is questioning. I feel really bad when I feel angry at her. I think it is hard to work through anger when there gone and you miss them too.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I totally understand what she is saying, the thing is, I don't show anger, I don't even know how to express it; when I am angry, I more want to cry.

I don't really know how to do anger either. My T says there is usually another emotion behind the anger, like fear or sadness. Sometimes I think I just skip through the anger part and go straight to the fear or sadness part, because I can do both of those fine.

I can think of only a couple of times I have been angry in session, in 2.5 years. That's all. Maybe twice. Once I was angry at T. Once I was angry at someone else and told T about it. Both times went well. T handled it really well when I was angry at him that one time and we worked through it. It was actually great. But T usually doesn't do things that make me angry, so this will probably never happen again. The other time when I was mad at someone else and expressed it to him, he thought it was great and really encouraged me to keep on going. Kind of funny when I think back. A real outburst. While I was in the midst of this, he said I was growing before his eyes.

Why do T's think it is so great when we get angry?

[phoenix7]

I am glad you managed to express you pain to T - and Im glad T is going to help you deal with the anger - I had problems showing any emotion - T has helped me realise what the emotions are and to release some of them - I hope T can do the same for you

[hangingon]

Treehouse,
I have a hard time expressing emotions as well, or knowing where the heck they are coming from, or even defining them. Anger was scary in my household as well and I told myself I would never be like my father. I went to the whole other extreme of not wanting to hurt anyones feelings.

You have a grown, which is great, thats what therapy is all about. I guess in time, I will grow more to.

Chaotic,
You hit the nail on the head with the anger part. I have such a hard time expressing anger about my mom because I no longer have her. It can be very confusing; I feel like I am doing something terribly wrong if I share with my T something that my mom lacked in.

Sunrise,
Thats great that you felt safe enough to express anger with your T, even if it was only a couple times. Its good to get it out and not fear it. I need to work on that part.
You asked why T like when we get angry, I don't know lol, maybe we should ask them. Wonder if they express anger at home, or only try to get us to. It has something to do with regaining power, part of the healing process

Phoenix,
Thank you, I hope my T can help with that area as well. I feel stuck with it right now. I think releasing them is a big deal, and I am glad you are able to feel safe enough to do that with your T.
I feel safe with my T, I think it's emotions themself that I fear

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((( dear hangingon ))))))))))))))))

I could have written your post myself. It's amazing.
don't be surprised that instead of anger you feel hurt; it seems that anger is a coverup for hurt, so if you can get to the hurt, good for you.

I wonder if you and I are so much alike that you feel guilty for being angry with yr mom / hurt with yr mom. it doesn't help does it.

give it time; what is buried in you has been down there a lonnnnggggg time and it isn't going to be resolved too quickly. good news is that you have a guide

and a hug from me no, two hugs

[peaches100]

(((((Hangingon)))))

I can just imagine how difficult and bittersweet yesterday must have been for you. Grieving over her loss at the same time you are trying to come to terms with you anger toward her is big stuff. I hope you made it through yesterday knowing that your t and we here at PC were thinking of you and sending you warm energy and strength.

[mixedup_emotions]

I think you did a wonderful job of being open and honest with your T about how you are experiencing yourself and what you are going through. It's hard to want to move forward and make progress but not know how. I am going through some aspects of that as well. It's a tough position to be in because we just want to skip all that junk and get to the "feeling well" part.

[del12]

You did a great job expressing your feelings to your T. The past few days I have been so frustrated, sad and angry. My mother has been diagnosed with cancer and the drs. have given her a good chance to heal, which I am so grateful for. I have talked about this in therapy and my T always at least touches on the subject asking how I am doing with it. I sometimes cry and tell how I am scared to lose my mom, but I think that this week the pain and fear I feel has surfaced and it is hitting me pretty hard. I am so angry with my mom for giving up on life. I really think she is losing her will to live and it scares me. Next week at therapy I know I need to share these feelings with my T, but I am so scared to share my anger (I shouldn't be angry with my mom), my disappoinment and the feelings of rejection from her that I often get when my mom is in a bad mood .
Thank you for sharing your email with us. I think sharing on this forum helps me to understand and validate my own feelings instead of pushing them aside and telling myself that I shouldn't feel the way I do.

[hangingon]

Thank you all for your responses. I am doing ok. I went and visited my moms grave for the first time since her funeral. I decided to go alone, I didn't want anyone to be with me. As soon as I saw the stone, tears welled up, her favorite verse was on it.
I stayed for all of three minutes and left. Didn't try to talk to her. I don't know, I am sort of confused with everything right now.

I sent a return response to my T saying I don't know how to feel the anger but I am not opposed to trying to talk about. And then like an idiot, I decide to ask her in that same email if she could share something personal about herself with me.

Like why she got into counseling, is there a certain thing she struggles with ect. I said that is if you want to share it. I have not heard back from her, now I feel really dumb. Its been a few days. I think I just needed to know a little more about her.

I share such personal things with her but know hardley anything about her. It almost seems unfair. I feel like I would be able to trust her more if I could see the more human side of her.

In the very beginning, she did tell me she has a daughter and a son, that she is married and that she had 7 years of counseling herself. I never asked her about that because I felt like I would be violating some boundary. Now it's been over 5 months. I guess I just needed to know a little more about her. Maybe I did cross some boundary in asking that; I would have felt better if she just sent a simple response sharing her thoughts on that.

I'm trying to think of things that I need, she told me to do that. Well one thing would be knowing a tad bit more about her. I didn't tell her that I feel like I need that, maybe I should have in the email. But the fact that I got the nerve to come out and ask that should say something to her ........right?

[lifelesstraveled]

(((((((hangingon))))))

Ugh, you were sooo brave to write both of those emails to your T....I could NEVER do that. You expressed yourself so well.

Regarding your last email to T, I think you wanting and needing to know something about T and asking her to share something about herself with you is only fair--just as long as it doesn't cross a boundary. My T keeps asking me if there is anything I want to know about her...if I'd feel more comfortable or safer disclosing more if I knew something about her. I kind of don't know what to ask b/c I don't want to get too personal. I know she is from NY originally and moved to where she is now 7 years ago and she has a son. Outside of that I don't know anything. Im wondering if it would help me if I knew just a tad bit more about her....

Hangingon, I am sure your T won't mind disclosing a little bit about herself, especially if it will make you feel a bit more safer and comfortable. Maybe T hasn't responded because she wants to discuss this at your next appt?

[chaotic13]

I've been reluctant to ask my T about herself. However, she has share some things about her family with me. These little shares have helped me. It makes the interaction seem less sterile. Sometimes I wonder if she's told me these things specifically for that reason. Her self shares have made it difficult for me to say the relationship is strictly on way, that she is just a stranger to me.

[hangingon]

LLT,
Thank you, I still have not heard back which really makes me feel bad about asking. T knows this is a really hard week for me as my mom's birthday was thursday and mother's day today and this is the first of both since she passed away.

If she couldn't say anything I would accept her telling me that but not hearing any response at all bothers me. It makes me fee like she doesn't really care, especially with this week being so difficult. I feel let down. Not that I would ever go in and tell her that.

I know she is going to end up addressing my question of sharing something personal with me in session, and at this point, I don't even want to talk about it anymore. I'm more dissapointed.

I don't want to get too personal either, I know we can't form a friendship but not knowing much at all makes it feel so one sided and unreal. Makes it harder for it to feel real and to really trust her.

Chaotic,
That is what I was looking for in asking. I don't really know her even though I have been seeing her for just over 5 months now. I think knowing a bit more would help my interaction. I don't want her to feel untouchable to me. Does that make sense?

Originally Posted by hangingon

LLT,
I still have not heard back which really makes me feel bad about asking.

((((((((((((((((((((((hangingon))))))))))))))))))))))))

In 18 months of e-mailing T, I've found that response time can vary for ALL sorts of reasons. And the reason has never been "I'm ignoring you". Sometimes his life is crazy busy. Sometimes he's out of town, or has guests in town. Sometimes he's taking the weekend off of "work" and doesn't even check his e-mail. Sometimes he's in a training, or has had an emergency come up in his life, or he's sick, or....well, you catch my drift. So, really, TRY not to spiral too much about why she hasn't responded. (Even though I know that's hard!)

As for wanting to know something more personal about her....when I started therapy, I was TERRIFIED that I would find out something personal about T, and I made it extremely clear that I didn't even want to know he existed outside of the room (lol - poor T, I'm sure he was thinking, what have I got myself into here?) I had a situation in the past with a counselor crossing boundaries and had my guard WAY up.

Now I feel comfortable knowing more about him. He will tell me if I'm crossing a boundary when I ask...like once I asked him what he did the previous weekend, and he really wouldn't tell me...instead he gave me a general idea of what he likes to do on weekends. For a long time, I would ask about things in his office, since they all seem to have a story attached to them, and I learned a lot about him that way.

At my last session (or the one before) I asked him to describe his wife to me! And he did! That was a shocker. I thought there was no way he'd tell me that.

The longer we are together, the more he shares of himself. And the more I am comfortable knowing.

SO! That is my long-winded way of saying that I think what you asked is TOTALLY okay. I'm sure she will be more guarded about some things than others, but I bet she will share some of herself with you too.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by hangingon

I decide to ask her in that same email if she could share something personal about herself with me.

Like why she got into counseling, is there a certain thing she struggles with ect. I said that is if you want to share it. I have not heard back from her, now I feel really dumb. Its been a few days. I think I just needed to know a little more about her.

if your T is like mine, she's a very people person, and she would not respond in voicemail either (we don't email) but would prefer to share with you in person. It's more intimate that way, and I like that about her. good luck don't be afraid to ask her one on one!!!!!! she needs to know what you need, and this isn't asking much. It's not like you are asking the use of her spare room, lol, you only want it to be not so very one-way, and that is very understandable.

[chaotic13]

I hate when you email and think, "damn don't they get where I am and how important just a simple reply would be right now!" In these instances it hard not to let your mind wander through thoughts like..They know your suffering but are deliberately torturing you with silence, they're silence is telling you DEAL WITH THIS STUFF ON YOUR OWN!! ... Or what you said was really out there and they didn't know how to reply..or You've exceeded your email quota for the week.... All of these things go through my mind when I encounter silence.

Silence really runs a muck sometimes. Do you thing Ts understand this and just think...tough, sucks for you? Or do you think they just don't get it? Or is letting you deal with the discomfort of silence some therapeutic strategy (some CBT technique or something).

I guess I will never know...because I never have the guts to ask during the next session, "Hey, how come you don't email me back when I really need to here SOMETHING from you?"

[hangingon]

Tree,
I know what you are saying and my T always responds. Sometimes a few days later but she will.
Last time it took her like 4 days and she said she doesn't mind my emailing at all because I understand that she may not be able to answer right away.
She brought that response up in session once, and I said, actually my mind was spinning waiting for a response from you. After that I noticed she responded much faster no later than 2 days but usually only one. This time nothing at all. Maybe it's because she already responded to an email of mine this week. Maybe she only wants to respond to one a week, I don't know. She never told me that anyways.

Sitting,
I am thinking that she will discuss it in session. Now I am way to nervous about it after not hearing a response. At least a simple response like I think this will be a good one to discuss in session, something. No response at all makes me think she's not into it. Guess I will find out.
She did tell me before that she went to counseling for 7 years herself before but I never asked why.

Chaotic,
LOl, I guess they can't keep up with all of us. I am beginning to wonder myself if a single T is better at keeping up, you know no family, so more time.
It just leaves me thinking that one hour is it, so too bad for anything outside of the session. Which makes me afraid to even call her, even though she said I could if I needed.

Yet, she does ask me what I need from her, and I can't voice it, sometimes I don't even know. I did tell her that email was huge for me and that was one need. In reality, how much can they do. I feel silly when she asks that because the reality is, everything is pretty much confined to that room.

As to your question, I think they don't get it. Maybe not unless they have had similar experiences, then maybe they would.

LOL, I wish I had the nerve to say what you mentioned about not responding as well but I don't want to come across as needy, so I refrain.
This next session is going to be torment to enter.....

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by hangingon

She did tell me before that she went to counseling for 7 years herself before but I never asked why. .....

depending on her training program, it may have been required.

be brave, Hangingon, it may be difficult going in but you will be so glad that you did it.

here - hope it helps.

[hangingon]

Sitting,
Actually she told me she did that for 7 years before she did her 3 years for psychology classes. Just not sure why but was tempted to ask

[darkrunner]

This next session is going to be torment to enter.....

((((((((((((((((((Hangingon))))))))))))))))))))
I think I can relate to your feelings of dread......take heart....
Your T sounds really nice and I'm sure it won't be so bad...