Sending this to T

#####,
I am sending you this email along to clarify some things.
When I went in to see you yesterday, it was nothing like I had imagined it would be, especially having just received an email the night prior saying you were not going to terminate our work. I went in thinking phew; we can work through this. I had just told you something huge for me to tell you, something I have been sitting on for awhile but was too afraid to speak up about.

All I wished for was for you to say, I’m sorry, I didn’t know my changes/ cancellations bothered you so much. I can’t prevent the unexpected but I will do my best to keep what you mentioned in mind. That’s it; that would have been a huge relief just to have you recognize that you heard me; to make a plan with me. But instead, I got, I’m not what you need. Maybe you said that because you did hear me and that’s your conclusion. But you didn’t hear me correctly if so.

Here’s the thing, I was so blindsided by your statement. I have seen you for six months and we never had an issue like this, ever. In all that time, you had never said or lead me to believe that you were not what I needed. I was stunned that you would make such a judgment call after reading one email. I have not bothered you, yes emails occasionally, of course with your permission. Haven’t called you, even though you said I could. But now you are not what I need, because I brought up the issue with changes.

The whole purpose of therapy is to work through things, one of those things being communication; many people who go to therapy have a hard time speaking up. This is nothing new. I told you I had a hard time with it from the beginning. When I started seeing you, you told me your specialty was dealing with sexual abuse. I was so happy to find a counselor that I felt pretty comfortable with in that field after the first session.

What amazes me is that your specialty is sexual abuse, yet, you have never had issues with consistency. If anything, trust and consistency are MOST important with those who have been abused, and I must add for most anyone in therapy.

Please try and think back on your therapy experience, you told me that you went for 7 years before even going for psychology counseling. How did it make you feel when your therapist cancelled? How did those sessions make you feel in general? You said there were times when you didn’t even want to go and your therapist would say come in and let’s talk about it. Therapy is not easy, and it does have it bumps. (You don’t have to respond to those prior questions)

I went in yesterday hurting. I tried to express what I was feeling, in what was supposed to be a SAFE place. Yet, I got reaction, things brought into the room that probably should not have been there. To the point, I didn’t even want to tell you what I was really feeling. I could sense your frustration, in your tone, in your body gestures, and I could see it in your face. Maybe it was counter transference, maybe you are going through things as well, I don’t know. All I know is what happened was something that I don’t think should have happened the way it did.

The thing is, I should be angry, but I’m not, I am more disappointed at that whole experience. I was finally trying to express myself but was getting shut down. You kept telling me it was ok to express myself but your reactions were not showing me it was safe to do so.

I understand you saying, you don’t think you’re what I need. But I think everyone in therapy needs consistency. I wasn’t asking you for a miracle #####. I wasn't asking for extra time. I wasn’t asking you to take me in, to let me become part of your family but I felt like you were pushing me away in that sense. All I was asking was for you to maybe be more sensitive about appointments, that’s it. I didn’t ask for the same hour every week, or same day every week, just that you could see me weekly apart from emergencies ect.

To say that you could not even think of a name to refer me to that wouldn't change/cancel appointments like you was divisive. How do you think that made me feel sitting there? That one is going to take a while to get over. Thats a line that would hurt anybody.

I am to see you next week. I have no idea what’s going to happen then. I’m sorry I disappointed you by my speaking up about what I thought. It wasn’t my intention to attack you by bringing that issue up; it was just to have you take notice of how it made me feel. I thought it was safe to do that, maybe I was wrong.
If we can't work this out, and it is to end, I truly don't want it to end on a bad note.
########

good for you to send her something...i think you'll get better satisfaction this way since obvioulsy face to face ain';t gonna work with her!

i like the letter...its not the tone i personally would use (i'm more frontal and in your face) but if it works for you than by all means sned it.

her action are unacceptable. yes emergencies happen. people get sick, have flats, etc. but 8 times...thats pushing it...and even if she has the worst luck of anyone she should be apologetic...not defensive.

hert twisting it into your problems is a giant red flag.

good luck. take no prisoners. take no crap. remember YOU PAY HER...YOU ARE HER BOSS...SHE OWES YOU HER RESPECT AS WELL.

stumpy

My T replied to my email, taking some blame, but telling me that its my unexpressed concern that affected our work. I just told her how it was affecting me, and look how she responded, would it really have made a difference if I told her 3 months earlier?

She admitted to her counter-transference and also said take not of your transference.

This is so frustrating.....

(((((((((((((((((hangingon))))))))))))))))) I am so proud of you for having the courage to send that e-mail! The tension was definitely not needed, and I'm sure you feel better knwoing that it's basically out of the air.

humor me...

lets just say you had an infected tonail...a really bad one. needed treatment...every week...(i said it was really badly infected)...if it didn't get treatment the potental was it could get much worse and impact your whole body and all its systems. possibly make you so miserable you could feel like dying.

you schedule appointments with your dr every week to get that pesky toe healed. you go and its working. you feel better. you can work, meet your friends, resume life. things are good.

then dr cancels. toe gets a little worse. so does your life.

next appt goes well.

dr cancels. toe health declines.

and so on and so on.

toe never actually heals. toxin stays inside your body harming all the other systmes. is it your fault? no. you sought medical attention for it. eventually you may have to get toe amputated or foot...or leg.

you ask dr what happeened...he says you didn't follow up on care...you say wtf???

see where i'm going...you made every attempt to heal...maybe this dr isn't the right one for you, your toe or your head. i wouldn't let this dr touch my toe...i like and need my piggies. this guy might be the nicest dr in the world but i came into the world with 10 and i'd like to leave with the same number.

there are other t's out there. yeah you have a bond with this one. yeah its scary to leave what you already have. but are you happy with her? is she providing what you want and need?

ask yourself...if you had a bad toe disease and might lose your piggy...would you depend on her to treat you? what if you need surgery? could you depend on her? your psyche is just an important part of you as your tender toe.

you can find a new t...without her referrel...and honestly...given her stellar perfeormance would you really value it?


stumpy & all those tender loved piggies

hangingon, i only read your previous post this morning, & like everyone else was totally shocked!, just couldnt believe someone in her position would react like that, i think the email you sent to her was MORE than fair, you've more than met her half way, very courageous of you.

Its YOU that's being understanding, its YOU that's putting yourself out to try & resolve this, if i was her reading that i would be ashamed, disgusted at myself for blowing it up into such an issue, & causing you so much added hurt, not what you need or deserve.

Like many others have said, my T has never cancelled, ok its only been 3 months, but i know he just wouldnt do it unless it was a dire emergency, you have been so tolerant, she should never have put you in a position that it became an issue, i think your right would it have made a difference if you had brought it up 3 months ago?

"Your unexpressed concern that effected our work", what does that mean, that to me sounds like a cop out, hardest thing is to express ourselves, particularly something like this, what does she expect, she should be acknowledging your bravery & pleased you've raised the issue, & just be concerned at wanting to resolve it.

I can understand you not wanting to start over, been with her 6 months, im sure it feels longer, i hope you can resolve it, move on, & both of you be closer & stronger for it, but the ball is well & truly with her, she needs to take the responsibilty, & make a real effort to put this right

hangingon, you have been soooooo good about this, she should hang her head in shame.....

Stumpy - excellent post.

just wanted to add one thing - except that you have ten of them, but not your psyche. If it goes, you wouldn't just be limping. Take care, dear hangingon

((((((((hangingon)))))))

you are being just so mature about all this in the way you are handling it.

i'm glad she's taking some responsibility. this really reminds me of my friend i mentioned. i have such an incredibly hard time confronting people so when i do it is really a sign of health and means i care and i do try to do it nicely. my friend would be very combative like your t was in session because they just don't want to admit they've done anything wrong. my friend would actually turn around what hurt me and try to make it my fault. for someone like me who is really non-confrontational this was just the worst response i could have ever imagined. after the initial confrontations where she'd been so combative she'd then later take a bit of responsibility like your t. i told her after this happened a couple of times that i wasn't sure i'd be able to continue in a friendship if this kept happening because it was just too much drama for me. it was like she would start a problem to test our friendship or something. i don't know. after she did something really hurtful to me i couldn't take anymore and ended the friendship. needless to say she went ballistic. she had some wonderful characteristics but not being able to resolve conflict without getting mad and blaming me for what she had done was a real dealbreaker for me.

the reason i brought all that up is that i'm concerned with how your t is dealing with you confronting her both with this huge incident and the taking breaks thing you had recently. i am guessing this is her pattern so i think you need to consider it in whether or not you decide to stay with her. maybe you can put up with that knowing that if you confront her on things initially she won't handle it well and will be defensive and combative but then will calm down later and be a bit more reasonable. i think it's worth considering as you make your decision. i'm sure she has other great qualities and maybe they will outway this but it's good to be a bit prepared.

you really are handling this all beautifully h.o.

"...and take note of your transference."
???????!! What? This sounds demeaning and defensive and like even more counter-transference.

Keep talking to her, hangingon

Unexpressed concern?? You did express your concern! I don't think it's at all unusual for people to hesitate to address concerns about their therapist's behavior. It's hard to do that...feels very risky. Her reaction is exactly why it is so risky.

Hi Hanging on,

I know I'm coming in here pretty new and without seeing what's gone on between you and your t in the past, but if the way your therapist reacted to your letter is pretty usual for her, I think this t would drive me insane!

Its important for clients to feel heard and understood when they are having issues with therapy ..... what you DONT need, is for a therapist to react by pointing fingers back at you, and telling YOU that you need to watch YOUR transference, and by pulling away and saying that maybe they cant give you what you need (implying that you are asking for waaay too much .. which you definitely are not!)

I find it really hard to believe that this t is supposed to be specialising in treating adult survivors of child sexual abuse, and yet she doesnt acknowledge the need for consistency in sessions, and not having sessions being cancelled all the time!

I kinda wonder if you might not be better off with someone else Hanging On .... I know how hard it is to find a suitable and skilled therapist, and how difficult it can be to establish some sort of a trusting relationship .... but from reading this one thread and seeing your description of your t's reaction to your letter, I just dont know whether she is worth sticking around and trying to sort it out!

(ps - just my 2 cents .. and I really dont know the whole story, so I could be totally wrong)

Honestly, I feel like there are too many red flags. You've handled this so well. You're not her therapist so you shouldn't have to deal with her countertransference issues. If she can't handle it - she shouldn't be doing this push pull with you, she's not acting very professional. You deserve the consistency you're looking for. Find a new T hanginon, you're bright and clearly willing to work - you need to find someone who is willing to do their part of the work with you. Good luck

good on your for still being open to seeing her change, hangingon. you have a lot more patience and hope than i do.

shame on her for her response. taking part of the blame, but then blaming you for not saying something earlier?! like what - you were meant to say something the 2nd time it happened, then she would only dismiss you as being highly sensitive. also - "take note of your transference". errr.... (i have nothing to say right here that doesn't involve a LOT of swearing... so might gracefully bow out).

do what you think is best, hangingon. if you think there is a chance this can get mended, then go in next week. but if you suspect that it'll just be another hour of her being defensive and hurting you, then i wonder if it wouldn't be better to avoid that sort of abuse.

I posted my T full response to my email below...
I do want to believe her, some of it was nice but I still sense alot of blame placed on me in the email.....Like I said earlier; if I had told her earlier about the issue would she really have honored me for my assertiveness?

I mean I am doing that now, and there is not honor being expressed to me, just that now all of a sudden she's concerned that she can't meet my needs....
Then her comment about changing appointment being different than cancellations, yes, they are not exactly the same but when you set up a schedule and then all of a sudden it has to be changed, it's still hard to do. There have been just as many cancellations as time changes..

Hi ########,

Thank you for your thoughts. I am aware of how hurt and angry you are, and I am sorry. I also regret that you continue to believe I was telling you that "I am what you need." I said that I am concerned that I cannot meet your needs, and ethically I have to share that with you.

Changing appointment times is not the same as cancellations. It is merely about schedule. I have always reminded you of my availabilty by phone and email, though I have certainly encouraged you to speak more in session than reserve the depth of your feelings for emails in between sessions. You have also been gracious in agreeing to my schedule change requests, and have not shared, until last night, that it has been a mounting trust issue for you. I am deeply sorry that our work has been affected by your unexpressed concerns about the nature of our relationship.

Your therapy work should be whatever you need it to be, and it is your responsibility, even though I know it can be very hard, to express that to your therapist. I understand how difficult trust is for survivors, and, yes, it is something I am very familiar with many clients. In order for our professional relationship to be effective for your recovery, the more honest you can be, the better. So, if you had told me a schedule change was a problem or concern for you, I would have honored that, and affirmed your assertiveness.

You are correct in recognizing my counter-transferance -- I was, as I said, frustrated with explaining the changes I must make to my professional practice, and my intentions toward helping you. I hope you can also recognize the transference I noted in your expectation that I was treating you like the last therapist, and that my feelings were like your mother's and others who have negated your abuse, and denied you help.

I am glad you are coming on Tuesday to continue talking. We will address a plan together then.

Take care,
#####

OMG again!

She is trying to save her butt to whoever you talk to about this, in this email to you. The below statements (worded oh so professional, not the way she has treated you in that session) makes me want to puke. She has written this letter to only explain her phony clique things without talking about ANYTHING she has done wrong. How convenient for her. This letter isn't for you, it is for her, in case you contact the APA or to talk to other people.

1. I said that I am concerned that I cannot meet your needs, and ethically I have to share that with you.

Notice she doesn't say WHY, (maybe canceling 8 appointments in a short time). Notice how she is trying to be oh so ethical and professional.

2. I am deeply sorry that our work has been affected by your unexpressed concerns about the nature of our relationship.

Notice that she says work is only effected by what YOU have or have not done. NOTHING is said about the affect of the canceled sessions, (the main reason for your complaint and how it makes you feel) Nothing is said on how she treated you in that session.

3. Your therapy work should be whatever you need it to be, and it is your responsibility, even though I know it can be very hard, to express that to your therapist. I understand how difficult trust is for survivors, and, yes, it is something I am very familiar with many clients. In order for our professional relationship to be effective for your recovery, the more honest you can be, the better. So, if you had told me a schedule change was a problem or concern for you, I would have honored that, and affirmed your assertiveness.

OMG OMG OMG! You did tell her, and it doesn't matter how long it took, because when you did, she didn't honor that or affirm your assertiveness. She got angry, defensive, and tried to make you believe that what she does is NORMAL. She is so full of crap! She has responsiblities too in the "professional relationship." Notice how she only uses "schedule changes" and not her "cancellations" or "cancellations at the last minute while you are waiting for her in her waiting room."

4. You are correct in recognizing my counter-transferance -- I was, as I said, frustrated with explaining the changes I must make to my professional practice, and my intentions toward helping you. I hope you can also recognize the transference I noted in your expectation that I was treating you like the last therapist, and that my feelings were like your mother's and others who have negated your abuse, and denied you help.

Then the only counter- transference she is refering to is that she was only frusterated with the changes of her practice. What crap! Then she goes on to make you look like you are the one with the major transferences going on.

This letter is not written for you benifit, it is to cover her *** in case you bring this attention to anyone else. T's have a lot of power and really bad ones know how to use it for their benifit , and a lot of times other T's will pay attention more to what she is saying like in your letter, than what you might be saying.
Her letter is worded VERY CAREFUL, and it also is absent of any of things she has done. In fact it is very carfully worded to make you look like you are overly emotional abused little girl who is acting out against her (it is just transference because she has done nothing wrong she is showing). I am mortified about the letter she has written. I know a snow job when I see one and there is a damn blizzard in Psych Central tonight.

I am sorry if my words are harsh, I get so frusterated with the unprofessional attidude of some T's, and their abuse of their power and knowing they can get away with it because they usually do. Who is going to question a "professional T with all their training" against a "client with problems" Grrrrrrr.

Hanging on, Please don't see her anymore, she has way more problems that what you are seeing her for. She needs therapy more than ANY of us.

Ugh .:throws up on laptop:. Is there an emoticon for that?

She should be asking.. What can I do to help you trust? How can I meet your needs?

She sucks! This relationship is going to retraumatize you!

Get a new T! Get a new T! Get a new T!

This T of yours needs therapy more than I do, and that's saying something!

She is sooo wrong on so many levels. Her e-mail was a snow job. This lady has some big problems. You have gone out on a loooong limb trying to accomodate her unprofessional behavior and she's still not willing to acknowledge her actions. I have 2 words of advice for you.....

DUMP HER NOW

I had a very similar situation with my last t. I saw him for 3yrs and the last year, he started cancelling about every 3wks. It drove me CRAZY and made me feel so insecure and unimportant. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said " you're the only patient I have that feels this way" I knew it couldn't be true. Well, long story short.....I got a letter in the mail the day before my next appt. saying he had closed his practice due to "personal issues". I swear, I grieved like somebody had died for 3 months.

I finally decided I needed to see somebody else or I wasn't going to get thru it. I was lucky to find a wonderful t. who helped me recover from what my previous t. had done. I have been seeing him now for 2 1/2 yrs. I am so lucky to have him for so many reasons. I will add that he has only cancelled one time, and that was because his mother died.

I really hope this works out in the way that is best for you. I can really relate to how this situation has affected you

hangingon, i went back and read what she said here because i think it will give you clues to how she'll respond, at best, when you see her next week. i admit, like you, when i first read this i thought her response was ok and then was surprised by the other pc responses saying what a snowjob it was. so maybe i'm a bit naive or too trusting. i don't know. one thing did seem weird to me so i wanted to highlight it. she said:

she has apologized twice here but what is she apologizing for?? your thoughts and feelings. that isn't an apology. she's just saying she is sorry you are upset for what you think and feel. she really isn't taking any responsibility.

this one was pretty obvious. she's not sorry for anything she has done but just your actions which doesn't really mean anything.

i guess i'm really bothered by how she's presenting all these statements to look like apologies but without taking any responsibility for her own stuff. this seems really quite manipulative to me.

i think you are really brave to go in and see her again. trust your gut and don't let yourself be snowed by her fancy words. as upsetting as all this has been for you, you are really growing thru it by asserting yourself and standing up for yourself. if she responds poorly once again please do not blame yourself or think any of this was your fault. it really is her stuff and not yours. unfortunately, we don't have any control over how others will respond to us. our part is just to express our thoughts and emotions rather than stuffing them. that is the success regardless of the outcome of our doing that. if we get a good outcome, her response, that is a bonus but a bad outcome is no reflection on you because as i said we just don't have any control over that. so, just by speaking up, in whatever fashion, you win and you grow even if she responds poorly. here's hoping she responds well.

Well I haven't been here for a while, but last might and today I read your posts and I would definately put up a red flag. There are T's that are too chicken to acknowledge for whatever reason they want to stop seeing client. Usually it is because they can't meet the clients needs, lack of knowledge and unwilling to put the effort in to change the therapy to meet the clients needs or it sounds like she is trying to phase out her private practice. and is unwilling to admit it. I had a T who I was with for about a year. I knew the therapy wasn't working, but I didn't have the guts to quit and tell him it wasn't working. I kept going until he totally lost it with me and I was so angry and devastated by his comments that I never went back. I realize now that he was unwilling to work with me because he used only one approach and it didn't work for me. So instead of stepping up and telling me that maybe I need to see someone else he just kept seeing me slowly trying to break me down until either I quit or I got on board with his wacky brain washing therapy. Well I quit and reported him to his group. He never called me or anything so it goes to show he really could of cared less. My new T validated my feelings and we are still working on the damage he has done. My new T said he was unprofessional and way out of line. I eventually wrote him a letter sharing my feelings and thoughts (more for me than him) and yes I sent it. Who knows if he even read it and according to his therapy choice it doesn't matter what others think or what you do to them, it is what it is and not to think about it and move on. So now my T works with me for me not for what works for my T.
So after my long story I think that maybe it is time to find a T that fits you and that will take the effort to help you! That is what you pay for and therapy is yours and it is the job of the T to be there for you! You don't need a T who is constantly trying to turn it around on you. You deserve so much better.