[rainbow8]

I handled my T's workshop and lecture fine. But seeing her in "Real Life" today was challenging and triggering. I know why. She was with her family, and I saw her put her hand through her grandson's hair, in an affectionate manner. I had never seen her with her grandchildren before, though I saw photos of them. I asked her their names and she told me. But that was about all of our conversation and I felt like my heart was going to break.

I have grandchildren of my own. I wasn't jealous of my T. I know it was transference--old feelings from the past. I wanted to be that little boy. Am I pathetic? I see why it's really difficult to see one's T outside of therapy.

Seeing her almost ruined my whole day, but I discussed it with my friend who knows her. After that I felt better, but I still feel the ache of longing. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't want to tell my T because I have to be able to cope with seeing her at times. It's unavoidable. I am going to be seeing her for therapy every 4 months except for emergency sessions. This is not an emergency, but it hurts. Any suggestions for what to tell myself or do? I feel better, but I can't get that picture of her with the kids, out of my mind! I was recently with my own grandchildren, but with my T, I want to be the child. It's an old feeling, so how am I supposed to cope with it?

[Brightheart]

I'm here with you, Rainbow. Unfortunately, I have no time to respond. I have to go to work now.

I'm sorry that you felt triggered. Maybe your H could hold you? I hope so. You sound like you could use some comforting.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

This is not an emergency, but it hurts. Any suggestions for what to tell myself or do? I feel better, but I can't get that picture of her with the kids, out of my mind!

(((((((((((rainbow)))))))))))

Sometimes when I am having painful feelings, I feel like I want to "do" something to make them go away...when what I really need to do is just sit with them, acknowledge them, feel them, and let them recede in their own time. When I am in pain, I feel like I will feel like that FOREVER if I don't "do" something...but it has never, ever lasted forever.

I wonder if you just need to let yourself grieve a bit? Perhaps you are feeling old feelings - a longing to be seen, and accepted, and loved by someone who is unavailable. That HURTS.

I was in SO much pain in my session last Thursday. It sounds dramatic now, but I almost didn't think I would survive it...it felt that bad. T did not try to make me feel better. He just sat with me, and witnessed what I was going through. I knew he was sad that I had to feel so much pain, but he let me feel it. I think that is part of the process of healing these deep, old wounds...to know that the pain is there, and to let ourselves feel it. For me, the more I run away from it, the tighter it hangs on.

Maybe you could be extra gentle with yourself. Make yourself some tea or hot chocolate and let yourself curl up under a soft blanket and read a book or watch a funny movie. Give the hurt part of yourself a little bit of what you wish T would give her

I don't know if this is helpful at all....it's just my experience.

I'm sorry you are in pain.

[rainbow8]

Thanks, Brightheart. I'm going to work on asking my H. for comforting. I tried to explain how I felt to him, but he, as usual, didn't respond to me in a comforting way. His words sounded loud and critical to me, and made me feel ashamed of my feelings for my T. But he will hug me when I ask, so I need to ask him more, and see if that helps.

Yes, tree. What you wrote is very helpful. My inclination is to DO something to make the pain go away. In the past I would call my T, but I know that she can't make it go away. It hurts so much to feel it, and not run. It makes me realize that I've got to live with this, and that's it's real. I've been trying to deny that I could feel so bad because it doesn't make sense. I was a wanted baby, and loved. So, whether it's due to being a preemie, or just the way my brain is wired, or a combination, I've got to accept that the pain is real. I don't have to justify why I feel it. I just DO.

Knowing that it's old pain is something I want to remember because I don't want to lash out at my T. It's not her fault. In a way, I felt like my observing her being affectionate with her family was intrusive. She wasn't there in her T role, so I had no business being so interested in her. The pain is mine, not hers.

Thanks, tree.

[sw628]

((Rainbow))
I know exactly what you are going through. I recently ran into my OLD T about 3 weeks ago. She gave a presentation at a staff meeting that I had to attend. Since I didn't get a chance to talk to her at the event because she left immediately after her presentation, i sent her an email. I was just and update and a thank you... I have yet to hear back from her. Since then, I just have a sour taste in my mouth for therapist, even my current T. I felt like I didn't matter and so unimportant. My current T has also mentioned her children from time to time as well. I always get this numbing feeling in the pit of my stomach and sadness in my heart for what I will never have. I've been able to just sit with those feelings and know that they come and go, but won't last forever.

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

This is not an emergency, but it hurts. Any suggestions for what to tell myself or do? I feel better, but I can't get that picture of her with the kids, out of my mind! I was recently with my own grandchildren, but with my T, I want to be the child. It's an old feeling, so how am I supposed to cope with it?

So it likely reminds you of what was lost to you. I agree with Tree that it's okay to allow these feelings. In fact sometimes, for me, getting right inside of painful feelings helped me find a lot of answers. Not saying you should do that, but don't punish yourself for them either. Feelings just are.

I think it's also okay to know that your T is human too. And maybe this was a reminder of this as well.

It's very challenging seeing your therapist in public, I agree. So many emotions...The first time I saw old T in public it felt as if I had been completely exposed to the entire world. I couldn't handle the intensity of my feelings and ran away. The past few times I've done much better. It does take time to get accustomed to it.

I hope your H is more supportive from here on out.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I handled my T's workshop and lecture fine. But seeing her in "Real Life" today was challenging and triggering. I know why. She was with her family, and I saw her put her hand through her grandson's hair, in an affectionate manner. I had never seen her with her grandchildren before, though I saw photos of them. I asked her their names and she told me. But that was about all of our conversation and I felt like my heart was going to break.

I have grandchildren of my own. I wasn't jealous of my T. I know it was transference--old feelings from the past. I wanted to be that little boy. Am I pathetic? I see why it's really difficult to see one's T outside of therapy.

Seeing her almost ruined my whole day, but I discussed it with my friend who knows her. After that I felt better, but I still feel the ache of longing. I don't know how else to describe it. I don't want to tell my T because I have to be able to cope with seeing her at times. It's unavoidable. I am going to be seeing her for therapy every 4 months except for emergency sessions. This is not an emergency, but it hurts. Any suggestions for what to tell myself or do? I feel better, but I can't get that picture of her with the kids, out of my mind! I was recently with my own grandchildren, but with my T, I want to be the child. It's an old feeling, so how am I supposed to cope with it?

((((Rainbow)))) I have to say, if I saw my t doing what youjust described it would freak me out. You are very calm and articulating what you are feeling and it is SO good. Id be a sobbing mess. I wouldnt be able to get the image of her being gentle and physically affectionate out of my mine either.

I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I can offer only hugs....
I love you, Rainbow

[rainbow8]

Thank you for the replies. I am fighting the urge to call my T to tell her how I felt. I always want to do that, maybe so I could have that connection JUST FOR ME again. I am a hopeless therapy addict. I would never be ready to quit therapy because I want that attention all the time no matter whom I get it from in my life apart from therapy.

It's like I have to get rid of the last interaction by creating a new one that's more to my liking. Does that make sense? I want to call so I will feel attached again. In RL with her grandkids, I was separate from her. I don't want to be regressing, though. I know I'm separate from her.

BlueMoon, it is very hard to get rid of the image of her with her hand around her grandson's neck and hair. It's like the last scene of a movie where the credits come on. I've got to change the picture, but part of me doesn't want to. Why would that be? Do I want to hurt myself? There's something important about this trigger, and I need to find it. It's about the attention, and T knows I always want her complete attention. I didn't get it in RLfrom her because I didn't pay for it. I got SOME of it, which is usually good enough, but not this time when it's a movie scene!!!!

I didn't want attention as a child, but I did underneath. When you're shy you get ignored a lot. I don't know. I wanted attention, but I didn't. This is SO confusing. I'm sure I discussed it in therapy at some point, so why can't I let it go already? I've got more important stuff to focus on right now; my brain can't handle this stress from the past, and I'm just rambling on and on for no reason.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Rainbow

BlueMoon, it is very hard to get rid of the image of her with her hand around her grandson's neck and hair. It's like the last scene of a movie where the credits come on. I've got to change the picture, but part of me doesn't want to. Why would that be? Do I want to hurt myself? There's something important about this trigger, and I need to find it. It's about the attention, and T knows I always want her complete attention. I didn't get it in RLfrom her because I didn't pay for it. I got SOME of it, which is usually good enough, but not this time when it's a movie scene!!!!
I didn't want attention as a child, but I did underneath. When you're shy you get ignored a lot. I don't know. I wanted attention, but I didn't. This is SO confusing. I'm sure I discussed it in therapy at some point, so why can't I let it go already? I've got more important stuff to focus on right now; my brain can't handle this stress from the past, and I'm just rambling on and on for no reason.

The only reason I can think of, and I say it b/c I kept going back for more from dt is that I want to reply it with myself as getting what I want out of the scene. Where I win and finally un-do all of the mother-hurt. I FINALLY didnt fail. I FINALLY got her love! And I am soothed, happy and am a good little girl. All loved-up. At last. How comforting to have the scene go my way in my fantasy. Where you are the grandchild over and over again. I dont know, does that fit? Thats what it might be for me.

[Sannah]

Rainbow, it sounds like a lot of feelings are being triggered up from the past with this incident?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

It's like I have to get rid of the last interaction by creating a new one that's more to my liking. Does that make sense? I want to call so I will feel attached again.

Something that took a long time for me to understand in T is that no matter what happens between one T appointment and the next, and no matter how much time goes by, my relationship with T is real, and doesn't change on a whim. If I left feeling really connected to T (for example), that doesn't change or get undone by things that happen between appointments.

T's connection with her grandson doesn't change her connection with you, whether you call her or not. Your relationship and your connection with her are real.

For ME, it goes back to not knowing what to expect every time I walked in the house as a child. There was no consistency. So, even though I might leave a "nice" mom when I left for school, I might come home to a raging, hateful mom. I never EVER knew what to expect. It's hard for me to understand that other relationships aren't like that. Someone can love me one week, and STILL love me the next week. T's feelings for me don't change because he has been with his family, or with his other clients, or because we haven't seen each other in a while. Our relationship is consistent. I think when I really understood that is when I finally felt securely attached.

It seems like maybe you are afraid of being forgotten?? I know I used to feel like that with T...I liked the time between my appointments and when he would leave me my message, because I knew he couldn't forget about me during that time. After he left the message, I felt like I kind of *disappeared* for him. It wasn't a good feeling.

Have you and T explored the root of where these feelings are coming from?

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I've got to change the picture, but part of me doesn't want to. Why would that be? Do I want to hurt myself? There's something important about this trigger, and I need to find it.

Maybe you don't want the picture to change because you need to know the answers it is trying to give you. If you want to know what the trigger means try and get in the middle of it and look right at it. What do you see? Where in this picture do you begin to feel pain and why? What are the feelings there?

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I didn't want attention as a child, but I did underneath. When you're shy you get ignored a lot. I don't know. I wanted attention, but I didn't. This is SO confusing. I'm sure I discussed it in therapy at some point, so why can't I let it go already? I've got more important stuff to focus on right now; my brain can't handle this stress from the past, and I'm just rambling on and on for no reason.

I can definitely relate to that. It's kind of like at work when my boss starts praising me and part of me is loving it and the other part of me is completely mortified. You want it but you aren't sure how to handle it when you have it.

Sometimes rambling on can be helpful too.

[rainbow8]

T's connection with her grandson doesn't change her connection with you, whether you call her or not. Your relationship and your connection with her are real.

tree, that hits home for me. I want to be important to my T, and have that special connection. It hurts that while it's real, I have to pay for it. My Ts have all told me that I missed something as an infant and young child, and that's the root of my feelings. We could never figure out exactly what except what I've guessed about being a preemie, and also that the fit between my Mom and me maybe being off somehow. I also had problems separating from my Mom, so that is a major reason I have trouble separating from my T. I wish I could stay attached forever.

Sannah, you're right. A lot of feelings from the past are brought up from this incident. I always had a hard time seeing T in RL, but this is the first time I've seen her with her grandchildren. I've always been jealous when I've seen her with her daughter, though.

Brightheart: The pain started when my T "ignored" me and paid attention solely to her family. I wanted her there for me. When she talked to me, I was okay. So it's when I wasn't the center of her attention anymore. Seeing her caress her grandson's hair was especially triggering also because she once mentioned that if she did that to me in therapy I wouldn't be able to tolerate it. I agree with her about that, but I did think of that when I saw her touch her grandson.

I remember when we watched family movies my parents told me I used to cry because my brother is 5 yrs. older than I am, so the first 5 years I wasn't in the movies! My Dad loved to take family movies. There are plenty of me too, but not for 5 years. I asked how come I'm not in them, not understanding that I wasn't born yet.

My first T actually wanted to watch my family movies during a session to see if she could find some answers, but I quit therapy before we got a chance to do that.

I think a lot is also due to my wanting the attention but not knowing how to ask for it. When I was about 10, I hurt my finger but never told my parents. It must have been broken because it's still crooked. I worried about physical problems but never confided in my Mom. Yet I was attached to her. Something was wrong. I have wanted to tell my T everything and want her to be there for me like my Mom was, and wasn't. I couldn't be comforted if I didn't tell my mother what was wrong.

So, I want to tell my T what is wrong all the time. But, my T does not want to mother me, so I still don't get the attention. I get 100% of her attention during a session, but only about 10% when I see her in RL. So, it seems like the trigger is that I want that 100% attention for me all of the time. My T has commented on that when I've talked about seeing her in RL other times. She said the same thing, that she is there for me 100% during the session, and that she cares about me, but she can't give me her attention all of the time. She can't fill me up like that.

So, my Mom gave me the attention all of the time, but she didn't comfort me because she didn't know that I needed comforting. I guess. I'm still rambling. Maybe someone can pinpoint the core of this for me?

If I call my T, I would say that I was triggered because I wanted you to pay attention to me. I didn't want to feel ignored. I wanted to be taken care of like you were taking care of your grandchildren.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

and also that the fit between my Mom and me maybe being off somehow. I also had problems separating from my Mom, so that is a major reason I have trouble separating from my T. I wish I could stay attached forever.

The pain started when my T "ignored" me and paid attention solely to her family. I wanted her there for me. When she talked to me, I was okay. So it's when I wasn't the center of her attention anymore.

I think a lot is also due to my wanting the attention but not knowing how to ask for it. When I was about 10, I hurt my finger but never told my parents. It must have been broken because it's still crooked. I worried about physical problems but never confided in my Mom. Yet I was attached to her. Something was wrong.

So, my Mom gave me the attention all of the time, but she didn't comfort me because she didn't know that I needed comforting. I guess.

Hi Rainbow, here is an article on seperation anxiety and attachment.

http://family.jrank.org/pages/1486/S...n-Anxiety.html You have probably already read a lot about it.

It sounds like you were not securely attached to your mom. This could be for many reasons. For you to not tell her about your finger is significant to me. You must have sensed that your mom wasn't very attentive to you or you didn't want to bother her? So did your mom give you her attention all the time? Or was it distracted attention? Or maybe she just couldn't read your anxiety or didn't know what to do about it? Was she anxious?

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

tree, that hits home for me. I want to be important to my T, and have that special connection. It hurts that while it's real, I have to pay for it. I also had problems separating from my Mom, so that is a major reason I have trouble separating from my T. I wish I could stay attached forever.

You can separate from your therapist and still hold the attachment. It's challenging, but it's possible. Being away from family members for years at a time doesn't stop you from loving them and caring for them. I think we really have to trust in the connection to let it go. That secure attachment thing...

Originally Posted by rainbow8

The pain started when my T "ignored" me and paid attention solely to her family. I wanted her there for me.

That could be it right there. Being ignored makes one feel unimportant. I've been there with that, but didn't realize that I'd ever felt that way during childhood until therapy.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I remember when we watched family movies my parents told me I used to cry because my brother is 5 yrs. older than I am, so the first 5 years I wasn't in the movies! My Dad loved to take family movies. There are plenty of me too, but not for 5 years. I asked how come I'm not in them, not understanding that I wasn't born yet.

Sounds like the same theme. For some reason you're feeling left out.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I think a lot is also due to my wanting the attention but not knowing how to ask for it. When I was about 10, I hurt my finger but never told my parents. It must have been broken because it's still crooked. I worried about physical problems but never confided in my Mom. Yet I was attached to her. Something was wrong. I have wanted to tell my T everything and want her to be there for me like my Mom was, and wasn't. I couldn't be comforted if I didn't tell my mother what was wrong.

Once when I was about 6 years old I woke up during the night with a high fever. I didn't want to disturb my father, so I just put my head down on his pillow and said nothing.

For some reason your cries went unheard. Maybe a lack of emotional attunement between you and your mom? Of course she loved you, but maybe there was a difference in temperaments and response in that she didn't understand your messages and you didn't know how best to get them across.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

So, my Mom gave me the attention all of the time, but she didn't comfort me because she didn't know that I needed comforting. I guess.

Kind of goes along with lack of attunement again.

[rainbow8]

Sannah: Thank you for the link to the article on separation anxiety. I definitely had problems separating from my Mom, or maybe it was that she had problems separating from me. She was a very anxious person--a worrier, and overprotective of me. So, maybe I felt that I didn't want to upset her. I don't remember feeling that way, but my daughter keeps things to herself too, as I am also a worrier, so it's likely I passed on that characteristic. There were other secrets I kept from her, things I worried about that, had I asked, I would have gotten relief instead of worrying about for years, in one case.

So, it makes sense that once I got into therapy and opened up, I wanted to spill out everything and get the comfort and attention I maybe didn't get from my Mom. Seeing my T give that comfort to her family in RL, and not to me is simply transference. Put that way, it sounds logical, doesn't it?

Brightheart: What you wrote makes sense, though I think it's that my mother was too anxious to comfort me. I'm not so good at comforting my kids either. But the feeling of being left out had a lot to do with peers more than my family. You know how cruel kids can be, even if they don't mean it. I felt "invisible" sometimes.

I still can't shake the feeling of wanting to talk to my T. I know she cares about me, but I want her to tell it to me. I have to write down what to say or I will be disappointed because she won't "get it." She'll just say she's sorry and she hopes it didn't ruin my whole week-end. I need more than that from her. I've got to get it just right before I call. I have to write it out, and read it to her answering machine or to her. Otherwise it will turn into small talk. That's happened the last few phone calls and I've had to accept it.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

She was a very anxious person--a worrier, and overprotective of me.

An anxious mother has a huge influence on her children. Children look to their parents to figure out if things are okay or not. If a child is looking to an anxious parent what message does that parent send? The message is that things are not okay and that the world is a scary place and that child does not learn security. Security is something that is experienced. Things are okay, we can relax. If a child never gets to experience security there is only anxiety. No wonder you couldn't seperate from your mother. Children venture out away from their parents if they feel safe. You didn't feel safe with your mother if she was anxious. How could you feel safe away from her then.

You mention problems with peers. If you were an anxious child you would have problems with peers.

I gather from you that you are looking for that security with a therapist. Security comes from within. I recovered from anxiety. I found security. I had to build security actually. I had to understand why I was anxious first and then I went on to build security. A lot of it is triggered anxiety actually I found so when I found myself anxious I looked around and asked myself "what am I anxious about?". I had built secure surroundings so the anxiety was being triggered. So I told myself "this is triggered anxiety from the past. You have no reason to be anxious right now, relax". I worked on this over and over and every time it got better.

[Brightheart]

Originally Posted by Sannah

An anxious mother has a huge influence on her children.

That scares the crap out of me. It's no wonder my child has selective mutism. Oddly enough of my three children, the one with the most problems is the one I felt very closely bonded with. But my H was drinking then and I was an anxious mess...

I'm glad you're figuring things out, Rainbow.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Brightheart

That scares the crap out of me.

I still had my anxiety when my children were young. I did affect them. I have been able to reverse it, however. Once I got my anxiety under control I began to help my oldest daughter. It took a few years but we worked it out and my effects on her have been resolved...........

[Brightheart]

My oldest daughter is 13 now and has social difficulties. My younger daughter (7) is very happy and social, but she does also have some anxieties. Her anxieties are more along the lines of fear of bees and things like that, though. It seems to run through my family. The main stressor (drinking) for me has been removed, but I'm guessing the damage had already been done. I did a lot of work on myself in therapy in part hoping that I would be able to help her. I always responded to their cries and tried to meet their needs as best as I could. It's just painful to think that I might have hurt her in any way.

Back to Rainbow then. Sorry.

[Sannah]

Brightheart, we all do the best we can in any moment. You would never want to harm your children! I certainly didn't and even my mother never had this intention. There is still time for your children. Heck I was in my 30's!!!

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Rainbow

The pain started when my T "ignored" me and paid attention solely to her family. I wanted her there for me. When she talked to me, I was okay. So it's when I wasn't the center of her attention anymore. Seeing her caress her grandson's hair was especially triggering also because she once mentioned that if she did that to me in therapy I wouldn't be able to tolerate it. I agree with her about that, but I did think of that when I saw her touch her grandson.

I dont know, Rainbow. Maybe its just you and me, but I am not sure if there is so much pathology in how you feel. I would certainly be triggered if my t said that to me in the first place, and then if I saw her with her grandchild stroking his hair and giving him what she said she couldnt give me. Of course, it is her grandchild and you are her patient. But you are in a VERY difficult position because you run into her frequently and there are times when she becomes very much not your therapist. I think I'd have to have real firm boundries to be able to tolerate that without feeling......well, all of the things you are feeling.

I remember when we watched family movies my parents told me I used to cry because my brother is 5 yrs. older than I am, so the first 5 years I wasn't in the movies! My Dad loved to take family movies. There are plenty of me too, but not for 5 years. I asked how come I'm not in them, not understanding that I wasn't born yet.

I would imagine that it doesnt matter what the actual circumstances (like the fact that you werent born yet) but more how it was handled by your parents. It probably looked like your brother was getting love you wanted. Love you thought was meant for you. But where were you? If they didnt lovingly explain or even not make a big deal over these videos in your presence, I would imagine you would have felt ignored and dismissed.

I think a lot is also due to my wanting the attention but not knowing how to ask for it. When I was about 10, I hurt my finger but never told my parents. It must have been broken because it's still crooked. I worried about physical problems but never confided in my Mom. Yet I was attached to her. Something was wrong. I have wanted to tell my T everything and want her to be there for me like my Mom was, and wasn't. I couldn't be comforted if I didn't tell my mother what was wrong.

I think small children, a really small children, dont typically have to "look" for ways to ask for attention/what they need. They just ask. If you remember looking for ways to get attention, there was probably some reason you felt you couldnt ask for what you needed directly.

The thing about your finger when you were ten is so sad. Could it be you had given up? Im thinking about how it was for me and I wouldnt have said anything either. There is no use. And I dont want to be ask for caring no one is willing to give me. I would not have taken such a risk. I might as well rely on my own devices.

So, I want to tell my T what is wrong all the time. But, my T does not want to mother me, so I still don't get the attention. I get 100% of her attention during a session, but only about 10% when I see her in RL. So, it seems like the trigger is that I want that 100% attention for me all of the time. My T has commented on that when I've talked about seeing her in RL other times. She said the same thing, that she is there for me 100% during the session, and that she cares about me, but she can't give me her attention all of the time. She can't fill me up like that.

This is an unusually awkward situation. ((((((Rainbow))))) She is your therapist, and a mommy person for you. But only when you are there. To have to shut those feelings off when you run into her would be VERY difficult. So...she is something of a mommy, but she is an acqaintence when you see her outside of the room.

So, my Mom gave me the attention all of the time, but she didn't comfort me because she didn't know that I needed comforting[/quote]

It doesnt sound like you were comfortable telling her that you needed comforting. And why would you be? I dont see it as little Rainbow's job to make sure mommy knows what is going on with her. I think it is your mother's job to find out and be attuned to you. Even at 10 urs old. You had been brought up to keep your hurt to yourself.

[rainbow8]

BlueMoon, I am too overwhelmed to comment on this right now but I thank you from the bottom of my . I have to think about it. But, yes....I kept my hurt to myself, like I had a secret world. I used to watch
TV shows, movies or read books about kids with emotional problems who confided in Ts, and I so much wished I had someone to confide in.

[peaches100]

((((((Rainbow))))))

I'm going to email you.

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

BlueMoon, I am too overwhelmed to comment on this right now but I thank you from the bottom of my . I have to think about it. But, yes....I kept my hurt to myself, like I had a secret world. I used to watch
TV shows, movies or read books about kids with emotional problems who confided in Ts, and I so much wished I had someone to confide in.

((((Rainbow))) From everything you told me, your reaction to the world around you makes perfect sense to me. I love you