secure attachment session

I had a very productive session today. I am slowly realizing that it is possible that I have a secure type of attachment to Ftt. I dont think I would feel so comfortable talking to her if I didnt. When I compare how I edited with dt and was anxious about what I was going to talk about and her responses etc with the ease I talk to ftt, I feel secure. She does not bring up the cold mommy feelings for me.

I was able to tell her that I felt the last session was good, really good, but surfacey and I needed to go deeper. I read her parts of my post here about it. I told her I had not wanted to come in with an agenda and then I would just see what happened in session, but I ended up having a rather large teen issue with my daughter and we needed to spend a while on that. I am so comfortable with the way she handles my daughter issues. And how she really gets it. I followed everything she said (wrote some things down), did exactly as she suggested and it turned out BETTER than I could have expected with my d (my 15 yo). And I even go some good advice on the "babysitting for younger siblings" issue.

Then I moved on to the issues that I wanted to bring up last week. We were talking quite a bit about how it feels to work on my parents after they are dead and selfishness. That I often feel manipulated and mistrusting when my H tells me he loves me or people show caring. We talked about the way my mother would say something nice, but with herself in mind. I often felt like her I love yous were for her benefit. I learned not to trust. With my father, I didnt trust his hugs and they made me very uncomfortable. I could not remember some baby/toddler incidents, but I felt close to very, very young feelings. I did remember though my absolute TERROR and SCREAMING as a young child around men who reminded me of my father. I would shake and scream in terror if a man (I knew or didnt know but someone who reminded me of my father)came near me. Relatives and older family friends remember this.

We talked about some more personal things with my father and how it related to some of my behavior in my 20s. I had never thought of it this way, she said to me that often people with sexual abuse in their histories do the types of things I was doing. I sort of get it, but sort of not. She was asking me a lot of questions about my behavior (sorry for being so vague here, I just cant go into detail) and how I felt when I did this or did that and more specific things. I felt that I was "expressing myself" and that this isnt the kind of normal thing to do, but I didnt feel at that time embarrassment or shame. I wonder if I will get in touch with some of those feelings at some point. Not sure. She said I was probably acting out sexual abuse and found a (male) friend to act this out with. I sort of understand, sort of not. But it does make sense.

I never brought any of this up in my years in therapy as a therapy issues, but the closer I get to the deeper, core issues, the more of my feelings and behavior I see clearly as related to mistreatment in childhood and having been sexualized very young.

I still am not sure how to get past this. How to see myself as (I dont know what you would call it), a person who has more value than sex (but thats not quite right, I see myself as having more value than sex). Maybe more value than what somebody can take from me. I am not sure. Anybody with any insight here?

Oh...and the session was 80 minutes! WOW! I could never have gotten to all of this in a 50-60 minute session.

Thanks for feedback (hint..hint...)

This is really big!! I hope your realize this. You are getting to the point where you are getting those connections. The more you understand them, the more you'll be able to move beyond them. Sounds like a great session.

FG- I have this sense that there is so much to this issue and it is a BIG realization. This might be the tip of the iceberg, but at least I have traveled to the North Pole and found the iceberg.

Thanks

Blue it sound like you had a really open discussion about your experiences and the way you expressed yourself. I think I would like to get some of that stuff out of my head too. I just haven't been able to do it yet.

IDK about the self worth issue. But for me... Somehow I need to break the belief ingrained belief that sex is nothing more than me letting someone take advantage of me or get off on me. I haven't been able to OWN the feeling of a shared experience. I think I have learned now what shared experiences feel like in other types of relationships...just can't transfer that to sex. For me...that's the connection that abuse severed.

((((((((((((((Blue)))))))))))))))))))

I am so happy to read about your secure feelings of attachment to ftt...you SO deserve someone like that to help you heal. It seems like the fact that you are so comfortable with her frees up your energy to really get to the core issues...how could you have ever done that with desk T painting her nails or whatever? Ftt seems like a perfect fit for where you are in your healing right now

I'm so sorry to hear about the terror you felt as a little girl. No one should have to feel that.

You are working hard and it's paying off. Rest well tonight, dear friend!

I am glad I talked about it. I think it will give ftt more insight into me in order to help me get past it all. I know how hard it is to get it out of your head and memories and into words to say to T. I thought a little bit about what I was going to tell her, but didnt overthink it. If I did I might not have said anything at all. She seems to understand, maybe she understands more than I do, which is fine. I think she'll help me get it. I still dont understand where this stuff I did came from really. Being sexualized? I think so. Maybe being exposed to too much at an early age. Not sure.

((((Chaotic)))) What does T say about how to being to change that? Maybe as your other experiences are more shared, intimate ones will be shared, too. They do say that relationships and sex is the final frontier.

I think what you are saying is similar to how I feel. I can share the experience of sex, but that sex and love are difficult for me to integrate together. With my husband, I would think he is saying he loves me b/c he wants something or sex. And this was how I felt growing up. That I was being used and manipulated for whatever reason.

I am so glad, too. I have never really trusted anyone in my life the way I trust her right now, so I wonder what this experience is. I am assuming it is secure attachment. I am so not used to this. I never get the feeling she is judging me, only understanding or trying to understand me to help me.

Thanks- it is a strange thing to remember. I dont connect it to feelings at all. I wonder if that is somewhere I will go in therapy or if I need to. I talk about it very matter of factly b/c I dont feel any terror and have no memory at all of why I was so terrified. But I remember being so incredibly frightened of big men who seemed like my father.

Thanks, Tree
Off to bed now.....

Blue, you're doing great work. You give me hope that I can get farther with a new T, though I think you can win an award for the most progress in the quickest time!

I'm glad you feel like you have a secure attachment to ftt. She seems like the perfect T for you.

I'm sorry you didn't learn trust from either of your parents. That's so sad. What ftt told you about acting out sa makes sense to me. If it's what you experienced, maybe that was your way of making sense out of it, or responding by making it "normal" or something like that. I don't think you have to "figure it out" yet. Ftt will help you sort it all out.

It hurts me to read that you were manipulated and felt used. No child should have to endure that. But you're going to get healed from all that because you're getting the help you need.

Blue, could you expand on this a little? Not sure what you meant to say here. thanks!
SAWE

OMG! I've realized in therapy that I REALLY don't believe that someone can have sex with me AND love me. That there is no way they can go together. I'm trying to unlearn that, but it's such a core belief....

Hi bluemoon, It's wonderful that you feel so comfortable talking with ftt. Sounds like you will be able to accomplish alot with her. I just wanted to let you know you seem like a really nice, friendly, personable woman. You deserve to be well. Happy Healing.

Take care and be well,
bl

So your parents always had ulterior motives when interacting with you. I can certainly see how that message would get really ingrained in your head. Our experiences really mold us. On the other hand, however, new experiences can mold us a different way. I think that we can use our old experiences, though, to continue to recreate our reality in its image. So being aware of what we are doing to recreate this is one thing that we can do so that we can create new and healthier reality.

Do you really think so??? Maybe I am just getting down to business as if I know her a long time? Its funny you say that!

Maybe it was a way for me to gain control over childhood situations that I felt were not under my control. That is a good insight Rainbow

Thank you for your friendship and support of me. Sometimes when I post things like this I wonder if everyone will think I am bad and dirty. But you see the child that was manipulated and used and it helps me to see her that way,too

I mean that when we work in therapy on ourselves and our deeper issues, its usually the relationships with other people that are the more "advanced" issues. We can move forward into relationships and those issues once we have done enough work on oursleves to move outward to other people. That has been my experience, too. That although I was in and out of relationships while I was doing a lot of inner work, once I did enough inner work (though far from a finished product!!!!) on me did my relationship to someone else become the therapy issue. And sex....that is moving forward, too. I did not start out working on sex and intimacy with another person....I had to reach a point where I felt strong enough to deal with all of that. And comfortable enough with myself to believe I have this or that issue and it is OK. That is a big deal.

But I go back and forth. I am working on me and abuse issues and how I was treated as a child while I work on things with my husband and kids. Sometimes its hard to work on me me me and then come home and have to deal with him us him us him us.

OMG! Tree- this is such a HUGE HUGE issue for me. I struggle with this. I used to act out as a teen and young adult and had no idea that sex and love were disconnected for me. I could not comprehend sex with love. Sex was sex and love was love.

In my marriage I have felt confused about this, but it is only recently that I talk about this in therapy. That he loves me, that I can believe him, that I can look at what he says and does and believe it, that he expresses it or wants to connect with me through sex. And that I can express my love for him in with sex and connect with sex.

On a different note, ftt said to me that often men connect to their partners with sex and a woman's interest often begins during the day with how he behaves, connects emotionally etc. That if that doesnt happen, she is less likely to be interested in intimacy during the evening. With men, it isnt necessarily so. That is true for me. And for my H!

Thanks, Bluesylady. What a nice thing to say
Happy healing to you, too

Thanks, Sannah. Yes- They did have ulterior motives, at least that was how I experienced it. It deos take a lof of energy and work to allow those new experiences to unlearn the old, ingrained experiences. Sometimes it takes so much energy and concentration that it feels like it is more than I have. Ftt has said to me that this is the part that will get easier with practice over time.

UGH!! Just the thought of talking about sex and intimacy makes me shudder. It feels like I eill NEVER get there.

Velcro- I believe you will get there. What makes you shudder about it? I still feel like shuddering when I go there. It touches something really deep about worthiness and being lovable, you know?