I want a do-over!

I never really thought that I ever wanted to do things over in my life. I did think I wanted a different childhood, but besides that, I always had a sense that this was my path and I could go this way or that way and make changes. With a lot of therapy.

Im not feeling that way at the moment. Therapy cant fix this one. I am dealing with ao much financial s*** and the messes I made in my 20s and 30s (and even my teens) and this process of cleaning it up is making my head spin. I wish I could just go back with what I know now and do things differently. I dont know how I could have been so STUPID!

The truth is, and I dont know if its just the truth or and excuse I am telling myself, is that I was never taught how to live. I was never taught how to support myself, be responsible, how to handle finances or money I made. I was never taught that the money that comes in has to equal what is spent. I was never taught that loans, even as a student, should be re-paid without deferments, I was just let loose in this world and left to my own devices. And this is what happened.

I dont know if I am just making excuses and I have to now pay (so to speak) for the "sins" of the past. It feels like the sins of never having been guided or given direction are not my sins! Yet I am paying for them. I should have realized what I doing when I was young, but I didnt. Or maybe I did and I looked the other way. I wish I could go back in time, change some very basic things, and go on with my life as it was. It would have taken some very small changes and my life today would be without this headache and worry. I dont understand why I didnt realize that. I wish I had someone to grow me up when I needed growing up. No one did and I am suffering the consequences of that today.

Rant over......

((((((((((((((Blue Moon)))))))))))))))))))
To me it sounds like you are being too hard on yoursef.
You are not making excuses.....what you are experiencing now with your financial situation is one more consequence of the abuse you suffered.

No one can be expected to do things properly until they have been taught hw to do them. Think of your children....would you expect them to recite their 'ABC's' without teaching them first? It really isn't any different.

But I totally understand the feeling of regret....of wanting more than anything to go back in time and do things differently. I sooooooooo get this. It's an awful feeling.
Try to stay in the present moment, if you can, and be PROUD of how well you are taking care of things now. You are being very brave, and it seems to me this is part of your recovery and healing.

bloooooooo mooooooooon.......

are you in the same therapy room as me on tuesday morning?????

geez i just had the same talk with t yesterday! i stumpy swear & cross my ears!

can't manage if you were never taught how to..have to mange because you are a grown up...but can't...damn cycle...been there bought a t shirt..hell bought a sweatshirt too.

it's hard..so many things you njever got taught that needed & should have been taught..and you try to figure them out on your own..sometimes you are close..sometimes not so...either way you plod along and hope no one notices your blunders ..actually you hope no one notices you at all.

my t says i do really well for someone with no clue on the money thing and no money...she is going thru the same thing with one of her kids who is just being stupid and 23. but she is teaching her (again)..i am going to bring in all my bills and stuff and she will teach me money..and it will be hard because i leave and the peeps come out but t said she will help....at 52 maybe i can learn.

i would love a do over...altho i can't picture a different childhood..have no concept of it at all...which is weird. i can picture my early adulthood and that i so would love to change...

but yeah it sucks...forced now to manage things you don't know how..its like being doumped onto some weird planet and not having a clue of the customs, language everything and being told to survive ...because death isn;'t an option.

so yeah..i get it.

off to continue looking for a stumpy theme song..its going to be a long boring day inside ..figure that might take up a little time..maybe alving & the chipmunks, the weebles theme song, any other ideas?

stumpy

Try not to beat yourself up. You can't undo the past. You can only learn from it. Lots of people who did learn "how to live" mess things up too. I think it's brave to face this stuff and deal with it. Some people never are able to do that.

^ agree!!!

Thanks everyone
Darkrunner- This is a very comforting thought to me. That I was just never taught. Its as if I am hard on myself for not realizing that I wasnt taught these things and I should teach myself. But how was I to know? I didnt have the tools to do it.

I have done more than I thought I would, I have a family and a home. I can even pass as mainstream LOL! I think if I can clear this up in the next 6 mos I will feel a lot freer. It will just take time and I will breeeeeathe through it.

Stumpy- Im sorry you have had these same things go on. Its really rough. What a great T you have that is going to go over your actual bills with you. Sometimes that is what is needed! I am going to spend time on monday talking to ftt about finances and my next huge step. Its a big one. I cant do it without seeing her on monday. But its all good.

Maybe tell the peeps they can help???? They dont like the money thing, huh? When I first made this one hard phone call this week I felt myself dissociating on the phone. I could feel myself going and I FORCED myself to stay present. It was an important phone call and I stayed mindful of every word she was saying to me. It worked. I couldnt believe it worked. And the phone call wasnt so bad. She was nice. But the info I was given was hard to hear.

So, stay present, Stump, you can do it! Theme song???? Hmmmm....What about the theme song to Seseme Street? Its kinda catchy.....

Or....the therme song to The Flintstones? Nuf said.....

(((( BIG HUGS ))))

You are being so brave in facing this situation and working through it, despite the turmoil you are experiencing.

Are you grieving a bit here Blue? Hey, good work on that phone call!!!

Its so funny, but I dont feel brave at all. I get that this is a brave thing to do. I feel like I have reached a point where I can face it, but I am also up against a wall. I feel forced to face the past. Its as if I am in denial of my fear! What exactly is it to be brave? I love that you said I was brave. I wish I felt worthy of the word.

Sannah- grieving the past? Hmmm....I dont know if its grief I feel. I feel angry at what happened and why it happened. And regret. Sigh.

Oh my gosh, Blue. You are being SO brave, truly. To read that you don't feel that made me do this: because it seems so obvious from the outside.

About the grief...aren't there stages of grief? I wonder if anger and regret are two of them? In fact, wondering about that makes me wonder if part of my own therapy is about working through those stages. Hum.

You are amazing, blue. You ARE brave. You are doing what you have to do, even though it's hard and scary. That is big.

Thanks, Tree. I wonder why I cannot relate to the word brave. I guess I dont see myself that way. I prefer to run from a problem. But Im not running this time. Maybe that is a good way to re-frame. I am not taking anymore steps until I see ftt. I can see it as fearful, or just as taking a break. It seems like seeing it as taking a break and doing what I have to do in a way that respects myself and is loving toward myself enables me to move forward. I am scared about the future, I believe (at least I am hoping) I'll have the help I need to do what I need to do money-wise and our family will be OK.

About grieving. Maybe the anger and regret I feel is part of grieving the past. I never thought of it that way. It is a gentle way of looking at it, as opposed to wishing this or that never happened.

Remember the explanation of courage? Courage is not the absence of fear but having fear and facing it anyways...........

Hmmmm....that does work for me. In that case, it is courage. And we are all courageous here. I have a lot of fear. I am afraid of what I do not know, what will happen later on after doing all these things I need to do. But I am doing my best to trust, be hopeful and move forward. And be gentle and accepting of where I am in the moment. This stuff is hard.

I am taking a break. I am telling myself its not a "denial" break. I just need/want to focus on other things for the rest of the week. It really felt like it was all making me depressed and making my head spin.

recognizing your limits is important, blue! You have done a LOT of work on this, it's ok to take a break.

wondering how your med change is going? I'm not sure if you posted about that recently and I just missed it or what. Hope you're feeling better.

Thanks, Zoo. It makes me feel good that you remembered. I saw my PNP tonight. She said I am not supposed to take Lexapro and Cymbalta together. I was taking cymbalta, had a crash and added 10 of lexapro on my own. She wants me to go to 90 of cymbalta and decrease for 2 weeks to 5 mg of lexipro and then off the lexapro. I am scared sh******! I dont want to give up lexapro! But it affects my sleep too much. I feel great on it, though. I hope cymbalta does it for me. I start that routine tonight. Anyway, Ive been feeling better since I added the lex, but not as good as on 20. Sigh...oh well....

I cant believe how much work I have done on the money stuff. Im realizing that I have a lot of shame around it (after reading Tree's thread). Not in working on it with phone calls and with ftt, but I am going to have to see a lawyer soon and that step is going to be a big one. I dont want to be seen as this f*** up and have him or her (???) be nasty to me. That is what I am imagining. Maybe that is my shame talking.

med changes are hard! I'm glad you were able to see your PNP, I know you were having trouble getting a hold of her. I take 90mg of cymbalta, it's hard for me to say how great it is or isn't though, I've been on it for a few years and my life has changed SO much in that time. I still get depressed, for sure, but I've never met a med that really fixed that for me except stimulants.

anyway, I can understand being nervous about meeting the lawyer but I wouldn't worry too much about them judging you. Imagine what they see in the course of their practice. I'm sure nothing you have to say or show to them in terms of your finances will shock them.

Stimulants do that for me, too. I feel great- but I think its not the legal ones that make me feel that way! So much for that option! I took 90 lastnight and I slept OK. It was hard to tell last night, too with my little kids coming into the bed and crawling literally on my head all night. I kept waking up anyway. I feel possibly less wired this morning. Maybe, not sure. Im just worried about how I will do without lexapro and before the 90 kicks in this week and next. I hope my posts dont sound too off the wall this week.

About the lawyer- youre right about that. Its all how I feel about myself and feeling shame. The key here will be to find the right lawyer. I have to go about this the right way and find someone good. That is my next step. Yuck. Next weeks step. My kids will be off from school so I dont know how much I can get done. Might have to wait for the week after. Just thinking about this makes my stomach hurt.....breathe Blue.....breathe......

I've been on at least part of that path too - I over spent, took out student loans - got credit cards and max them out - my theory being I was not going to be around long enough to have to ever worry about paying them back (truly felt I would never live past my 20's - just had that stuck in my head) now in my 40's I feel foolish and regret all that behavior - but I did get back on the road - have paid all the debt and loans I owed and while it was not easy - i did manage to get through it .
I also was not taught how to have use money wisely or what it meant when I signed all those papers
sorry you are in the same mess I was in - Good luck!

Wow KD- I remember very clearly now that i never thought I would live past 18, then 20, then 23 then 25 etc... It never occurred to me that I would have a future. I have never heard anyone say this. I didnt remember it until you just posted it. And I didnt really "get it" that I was on this earth for a while until I had children. I never thought anything mattered because I could always take the easy way out and kill myself or just die because of my risky behavior. I never saw a future for myself that included consequences for my actions. That is, even if I had known that I was getting myself into trouble, which I think I never realized the extent to which I could hurt myself.

Thanks for posting that to me, I forgot all about that reasoning that I had then.