[mixedup_emotions]

ACK.....I have such mixed emotions right now....

My T is the one who worked with me to see that my relationship with my husband was extremely unhealthy. He has expressed his concern that he is dangerous, etc.

My husband moved out last March...and I filed for divorce. We've been divorced since October.

My ex has been persistent with his rollercoaster behavior - still emotionally abusive - starting with being civil...then trying to cross boundaries...then comes the anger and nastiness....then the apologies...then back to being civil. It's quite predictable.

My T has admired my ability to continue to set limits with what he referred to as a "chronically draining person" (my ex)...

Well, I haven't been feeling well for the last 10 days, and I guess I've been feeling weak. My ex and I had a 1-1/2 hour conversation the other day, and it was torturous because we went through his rollercoaster behavior a couple of cycles during that call...and ended it with him recalling wonderful times in our marriage.

We both know that marriage isn't right for us....that we don't want to live together....that we can't tolerate each other's ways....

But...

UGH....

T and I talked about it the other day, and he was wondering why I was doing this to myself when I was feeling so poorly - and we briefly explored perhaps that when I'm not feeling well, I'm more likely to seek comfort, etc.

Anyway...

Tonight, he dropped off our daughter - and she went to a friend's house. He stuck around and started talking about how he wants to get closer to me...still reinforcing that we both don't want to live together, be married, etc....I told him that with his behavior, it's better if we just work towards moving in our separate directions.

He wanted some "ahem"...and I told him that I was feeling pressured and uncomfortable.

He still persisted....and I finally gave in to "taking care of him"....as long as he agreed to leave immediately afterwards...

I feel so many mixed feelings about it....It was exciting. I felt desireable. I felt wanted. It was familiar and comfortable...

But it also felt wrong and scary...like I was dipping into really bad territory, and I don't know what the outcome will be. T and I both talked at length in the past about how detrimental it would be, how it has the potential to stir up more feelings of hope from my ex and all sorts of craziness that will come with it...

Yet, in that moment, I just caved into the pressure, feeling like it was inevitable, that I was going to deal with the craziness anyway...

I am upset with myself for allowing that line to be crossed...and I am afraid to face T and tell him about this. I am afraid he will be disappointed in me...that he will no longer find me to be strong and worthy of admiration...

I feel so incredibly sad.....Not about my ex, or the situation...but how I feel towards T because I did this....

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this situation. I cannot imagine how stressful it must be. Just be honest with your t. You will not be rejected. Your t will still care about you. Will he be disappointed? I don't know. Maybe just sad about your situation I'd think. It will be okay.

[deliquesce]

((((((((((((MU))))))))))))))))

T won't be disappointed in you, but he might be sad for you, yknow? pdoc keeps telling me i am strong and brave, and so i'm scared sometimes to tell him things which i think are a poor reflection on my strength/bravery. but pdoc has never been disappointed in me - he says i'm strong and brave and resilient because i've come so far, and that sometimes when i lapse in judgement it's not a reflection on me, but the situation i'm in and how prolonged it has been.

i am sure T will still admire you and think you're strong. if you talk about this, however, it'll just help you learn a bit more about yourself (you've already identified some reasons - feeling desirable, familiarity & comfort, feeling pressured etc) and also help you find other ways to help you continue being strong.

i'm sorry you're in so much pain right now, sweetie .

((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))

I can tell you that when I've slipped up and used bad coping skills or whatever, my T has never been disappointed in me. He might feel sad for me, and sometimes he feels frustrated that things have to be so hard, but not disappointed in ME. We can't be perfect, and T knows that. All we can do is keep working on moving towards healing. Sometimes we stumble and then we get back on the path.

When I use a bad coping skill, or do something I "shouldn't", it is a HUGE indicator of what we really, really need to work on in therapy. The feelings that led up to the behavior, and the things that were going on before it happened give us tons of information. And then we can work on healing and moving forward.

We CAN'T be perfect, mue. T knows that. I wonder if you could let yourself know it a little, too?

[darkrunner]

I don't think your T will think any less of you.
The situation that just happened does take anything away from what you've already accomplished, how strong you've been and how well you've set limits.
Your T sounds reasonable and understanding, and therefore would not expect you to be perfect. The way he described your ex, as a chronically draining person, also indicates that he will be understanding of the situation.
Take good care of yourself, ((((((((((((Mixed Up))))))))))))))))

[ruffy]

`The desire to be beautiful, and desired is an ageless longing for a woman. Its not just the desire for an outward beauty, but more...a desire to be captivating in the depths of who you are. It is a longing that has been written deep in your heart. It is the essence of a woman. Your longing is not wrong but you deserve oh so much more. There is a special man for you out there who wants to be your knight in shining armor, to rescue you and protect you...for this is the essence of a man. Wait for it. I'm a single woman. I'll wait with you!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks everyone for your support....

This morning, I'm feeling even worse about last night...just not knowing what's going to come of it...if my ex will expect more, if I will crave more, if I will do more...

Or if I will be able to come to my senses and realize that this is unhealthy for me....

For this last year, I have been trying to work on me....and having a man in my life seems so far out of reach. I have MAJOR issues with touch and don't see myself as attractive or desireable.

And last night, I felt like it was inevitable that I would just be with my ex because that's as close to comfortable as I can imagine being...I can't imagine being with anyone else...when he kissed me, it felt right - even though I believe it's so so wrong.

Knowing that I let that line be crossed last night after a YEAR of pushing him away helps me feel like it's going to be THAT much harder to move in a different direction....like, my ex will know that his persistence paid off...the whole intermittent reinforcement theory that my T talked about...

There are times when I KNOW that being with him will just induce more craziness and make it harder for us to move in separate directions...and then there are other times, when I'm feeling weak, that I think, "oh, there's nothing wrong with a booty call every now and then"...

UGH.

Thanks for letting me share. I am just struggling with this.

And worse yet, I am feeling this overwhelming urge to confess to T NOW instead of having to wait until Thursday. It's just eating away at me....I have group on Tuesday, and I'm not sure I want to share there - especially since we're welcoming some new members. I could put it on the blog...but I don't know....ACK.

I just hate the anticipation of how T will react....And then, if he doesn't show disappointment - then I'd wonder if he's just putting on a therapist cover to encourage that I can be accepted..but still is disappointed in me, without telling me.

[WePow]

((((( MUE )))))

Here is my insight on this - and I was in an extreamly emotional abusive marrage that I had to escape. My heart goes out to you fully and I understand and have lived through an ex-H doing this. My T said my ex-H is a sociopath. And that is an understatement. What you describe is exactly how those types of people act.

1) Right now, you are in an emotionally vulnerable place. You have been abused and had to fight your way to a safe place in life. You are going to therapy to try to get your life emotionally healthy and learn how to defend yourself from emotionally abusive people.

2) What happened last night was just a "setback" - not you being bad. I know it feels all sorts of YUCK and UGG and you are pissed off with yourself right now. But you can not undo it. So here you are. The only thing you can do is focus on moving forward. Learn from what happened. Journal it and dig into it. Find out what you felt and why you went into it. That is how you can take this negative experience and start to imediately transform it into a learning experience. Use it to make yourself more powerful in the long run.

3) Boys (he is no man if he is using imature tactics like he is) who behave in the way he behaves do what they do because they have very serious problems inside. They are sick inside. When I realized this about my ex-H, my heart actually turned from what I thought was "love" into a form of "pity" ... I honestly pitied him as a fellow human. And for some reason, when that pity was there, my Ex-H did not like it at all and it worked to repell him.

Do let your T know about this. It is big. Do not try to walk down the path by yourself. Do not fear T - allow T the freedom to express whatever T emotions are there. You are doing so great to be moving forward in healing. Sometimes there are setbacks of some form. That happens with all types of healing - addictions or otherwise. And the next step is always the same - pick ourselves up and try again.
Just like my theme song says "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never going to keep me down." ;-)

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by WePow

((((( MUE )))))

Here is my insight on this - and I was in an extreamly emotional abusive marrage that I had to escape. My heart goes out to you fully and I understand and have lived through an ex-H doing this. My T said my ex-H is a sociopath. And that is an understatement. What you describe is exactly how those types of people act.

1) Right now, you are in an emotionally vulnerable place. You have been abused and had to fight your way to a safe place in life. You are going to therapy to try to get your life emotionally healthy and learn how to defend yourself from emotionally abusive people.

2) What happened last night was just a "setback" - not you being bad. I know it feels all sorts of YUCK and UGG and you are pissed off with yourself right now. But you can not undo it. So here you are. The only thing you can do is focus on moving forward. Learn from what happened. Journal it and dig into it. Find out what you felt and why you went into it. That is how you can take this negative experience and start to imediately transform it into a learning experience. Use it to make yourself more powerful in the long run.

3) Boys (he is no man if he is using imature tactics like he is) who behave in the way he behaves do what they do because they have very serious problems inside. They are sick inside. When I realized this about my ex-H, my heart actually turned from what I thought was "love" into a form of "pity" ... I honestly pitied him as a fellow human. And for some reason, when that pity was there, my Ex-H did not like it at all and it worked to repell him.

Do let your T know about this. It is big. Do not try to walk down the path by yourself. Do not fear T - allow T the freedom to express whatever T emotions are there. You are doing so great to be moving forward in healing. Sometimes there are setbacks of some form. That happens with all types of healing - addictions or otherwise. And the next step is always the same - pick ourselves up and try again.
Just like my theme song says "I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never going to keep me down." ;-)

Thank you for your insight....

I'm sad that you've experienced an emotionally abusive relationship with a sociopath. My T has referred to my ex as an "insane person". I know he is troubled, and part of me feels so badly for him because people are creeped out by his behavior...whereas I've been somewhat immunized. When T sees him as dangerous, I see him as just a little boy throwing a tantrum.

I don't know what it's going to take to get me back on track....I feel so ashamed and vulnerable...like I've lost all perception and judgment about the whole situation....and now that we've crossed that line, it seems so much easier to let it happen again. I don't know how I'll find the strength not to let it happen - or even to not want it to happen.

I know I need to talk this through with T...I need him to help me understand and work with me to get me back on track. I hate needing T. I feel so weak and helpless...

I have so many feelings and thoughts going through my mind...and I don't know what to do with them. They are all over the map. I feel like I don't know what I want anymore. Without direction. Without a goal.

And I hate that I have to wait until later this week to work through this...it's agonizing...

[googley]

((((((((MUE))))))))
I don't have anything to add that people have not already said. But wanted to let you know that I read your post and am here for you too. Safe hugs.

[mixedup_emotions]

I just posted a recap on our group blog....and am feeling so incredibly panicky at the moment....I just took a klonopin and am hoping it will help. I just feel like breaking down into tears but my daughter will be home any minute with my mom and I need to keep it together....

Add to that, I'm feeling extremely vulnerable to self-destruction....

[jexa]

Oh my gosh MUE!! It's awesome you posted on the group blog about this. It shows you really are willing to face this stuff head on, so way to go. But I know you feel panicky about it.. and you're feeling self-destructive.. what have you done before that's a good way to cope with these kinds of feelings? Is there anything that distracts you and makes you feel okay?

(((((MUE))))) We are here for you. Keep posting, especially if it helps you through the panic.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by jexa

Oh my gosh MUE!! It's awesome you posted on the group blog about this. It shows you really are willing to face this stuff head on, so way to go. But I know you feel panicky about it.. and you're feeling self-destructive.. what have you done before that's a good way to cope with these kinds of feelings? Is there anything that distracts you and makes you feel okay?

(((((MUE))))) We are here for you. Keep posting, especially if it helps you through the panic.

Thanks, jexa.....I posted it on the blog more because I was filled with so much anxiety about telling T....and this way, he can read it so that I don't have to tell him face to face....and I felt like I needed to confess it as a sin or a crime or something. I don't know.

I'm not really good with coping....I've tried exercising, getting out and doing something, occupying myself with chores....but when I've felt like this in the past, I've usually resorted to meds and SI'ing....and I am fighting those urges....I just want it all to go away...UGH

[WePow]

(((( MUE ))))) It is NOT a sin or crime. You were being a human.
I could be wrong, but I sense the internal strife is there because you are trying so hard to do what is healthy and you are disapointed in yourself for this behavior because you understand it is not in your best interest in the long run.

Do not beat yourself up over this or SI. Be very gentle right now and show compassion to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a friend who was comming to you for help and understanding.

The fact is that you can not undo the past.
The truth is that you can choose to learn from the past and make choices in the future that you do consider to be more in line with what you want for yourself longterm.

[jexa]

I think you are being too hard on yourself about the way you decided to share this. Maybe this was a way to put a screen between you and T upon the first disclosure of this, but it also was your way of deciding to face it. You ARE facing it. And maybe your group will have some good help for you.

When I hear that you say in the past you have resorted to meds and SI when you felt this way, and you can't think of other coping.. that sounds like you're on the path to meds and SI with nothing to help you fight the urges. Have you and T ever gone over coping strategies that work for you so you don't have to resort to self-destruction? Is there any way you can hide your meds and any SI tools away so you can't use them right now? Give them to someone for safe keeping? Can you take a long bath? Watch a funny movie? Read? Have a conversation with your daughter? Spend time with your daughter, doing crafts, watching a movie, or maybe going out? Also you could look at the sticky in the SI forum on what to do instead of SI.. You are fighting these urges but you need weapons to fight with.. something you can use. I understand if coping strategies don't normally work. It's like being handed a weapon you don't know how to use. Or being given a slingshot but no rock. There's got to be a weapon somewhere that works for you, that will work for you right now.

Many, many hugs MUE.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by WePow

(((( MUE ))))) It is NOT a sin or crime. You were being a human.
I could be wrong, but I sense the internal strife is there because you are trying so hard to do what is healthy and you are disapointed in yourself for this behavior because you understand it is not in your best interest in the long run.

Do not beat yourself up over this or SI. Be very gentle right now and show compassion to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a friend who was comming to you for help and understanding.

The fact is that you can not undo the past.
The truth is that you can choose to learn from the past and make choices in the future that you do consider to be more in line with what you want for yourself longterm.

Yes, Wepow, I've been working SO HARD for a YEAR with an unrelenting ex who has put me through the wringer...and I've stayed STRONG...until NOW. Why now???

I am just so confused right now. Because part of me wants more from my ex.....to be held, kissed, to be intimate...and I'm unsure of how to pick myself up from here and get back on track to a healthier path....knowing that I would have to leave that longing behind...even when it's so within reach. Torture.

I am disappointed in myself for getting to this place.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by jexa

I think you are being too hard on yourself about the way you decided to share this. Maybe this was a way to put a screen between you and T upon the first disclosure of this, but it also was your way of deciding to face it. You ARE facing it. And maybe your group will have some good help for you.

When I hear that you say in the past you have resorted to meds and SI when you felt this way, and you can't think of other coping.. that sounds like you're on the path to meds and SI with nothing to help you fight the urges. Have you and T ever gone over coping strategies that work for you so you don't have to resort to self-destruction? Is there any way you can hide your meds and any SI tools away so you can't use them right now? Give them to someone for safe keeping? Can you take a long bath? Watch a funny movie? Read? Have a conversation with your daughter? Spend time with your daughter, doing crafts, watching a movie, or maybe going out? Also you could look at the sticky in the SI forum on what to do instead of SI.. You are fighting these urges but you need weapons to fight with.. something you can use. I understand if coping strategies don't normally work. It's like being handed a weapon you don't know how to use. Or being given a slingshot but no rock. There's got to be a weapon somewhere that works for you, that will work for you right now.

Many, many hugs MUE.

Thanks, jexa.....I guess I could've made the choice not to face it at all - with T or group....so, perhaps there is some courage there that I'm just not seeing at the moment....something inside me that knows that I need to do this in order to get to where I need to be...

T and I have never talked about coping mechanisms. He advocates facing the issues, going through the emotions and working through them - and encourages me to reach out to him when I'm in crisis, so he can schedule an earlier/emergency session for me. I feel so silly though considering this a "crisis".

I do think I need to talk to him about coping strategies when he is not available...He does want me to build up an adequate support system around me....I don't quite have that yet. I have a really close friend who I know would support me - but I don't want to face her being disappointed with me. I know she will be....Ugh.

I am still fighting the unhealthy urges....but I am pretty confident that I will not SI....mainly because of the fear of having to then tell T about it afterwards. I would feel such a sense of shame and weakness...I cannot bear the thought of doing that in addition to what I've already done....

I just have this overwhelming feeling that I deserve to be punished, to be hurt, for "being bad"...and this probably stems from my childhood with my parents being physically abusive.

UGH.

[velcro003]

MUE, I know I am not YOUR friend, but if a friend came to me telling me about what happened in a situation like yours, I would be 100% sympathetic towards them. I would not judge them or be disappointed. Because I know they feel awful about it anyway, and me adding to that doesn't help. What I would do is talk with them, ask why they think that happened. Encourage them that its ok, setbacks happen. You are still moving forward despite some sideways/backwards steps along the way. That I am still there for them.

I don't think I'm an extraordinary friend by any means, and if you do trust this friend, I hope they would react similarly.

[WePow]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Yes, Wepow, I've been working SO HARD for a YEAR with an unrelenting ex who has put me through the wringer...and I've stayed STRONG...until NOW. Why now???

I am just so confused right now. Because part of me wants more from my ex.....to be held, kissed, to be intimate...and I'm unsure of how to pick myself up from here and get back on track to a healthier path....knowing that I would have to leave that longing behind...even when it's so within reach. Torture.

I am disappointed in myself for getting to this place.

(((((( more safe MUE hugs ))))))))

Why now? Well, the answer to that question is one you may need a little time to find - and help from your T. There are all sorts of things that go on inside of you right now. For me, I almost allowed my ex-H back into my life after I left him - even though he promised me a certain early grave. Why did I want to do it with him? Well, I had been away from him for a while and had grown stronger without him. I wanted to "show" him that now was my turn to be in charge of the relationship. I wanted to have the power over him this time. I wanted him to really "see" how wonderful I was starting to become (I finally had started to find a bit of self worth that he had not managed to destroy) and I wanted to literally shove "all that" in his face!

Like I said - you can't undo what happened. But you can go forward. That is so important. The more honest you are about what you are feeling and experiencing - including the shame or guilt - including the pleasure and sense of any accomplishment - all of that is valid and real. It is whatever it is. Just be honest and use it as fuel to learn from and to empower yourself even further.

In the end, the choice belongs to YOU and not to T. It is that simple.
But T can help you to become stronger and stronger and to keep moving forward. Even those steps we think are backwards are still steps. Keep on moving and working for what you deserve. You can have it.

[mixedup_emotions]

I am feeling so defeated right now....

I expressed my feelings on my group blog...and one person came back telling me he was frustrated with me....

....and then another person (who I admire the most in group) posted that he was disappointed in me....and that this was a problem of my own making, that I can't be surprised, and that part of him wonders if it's something I had planned all along....

[googley]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I am feeling so defeated right now....

I expressed my feelings on my group blog...and one person came back telling me he was frustrated with me....

....and then another person (who I admire the most in group) posted that he was disappointed in me....and that this was a problem of my own making, that I can't be surprised, and that part of him wonders if it's something I had planned all along....

((((((((MUE)))))))))

I'm so sorry that you opened up to your group and they have been so critical. I know it has been hard for you to trust and be able to open up to them. You do not deserve their criticism. I'm sure your T will not react the same way. Know that they are seeing your situation through their own lenses and it can influence what they say. That does not mean itis the truth.

[WePow]

((((( MUE ))))) Remember that many people project their own issues when they reply in groups. That is how we learn about ourselves at times. Please do not take it as gospel. Your T will know what you are going through.

You made a choice in that NOW. So it is done. You have learned from it more about who you are and why you may make different choices in the future.

Allow yourself to be gentle with yourself right now. And remember we are here for you too.

[mixedup_emotions]

I guess I should have expected that kind of response from my group members....considering it's a gestalt based group where you're supposed to express your feelings "in the moment" in an honest way.

But it hurts to get that, instead of support, empathy, understanding.

I thought I couldn't feel any worse....and then I did by reading the blog....and then now, my ex just texted me saying that he is sending our granddaughter (his son's newborn) an Easter card and if it would be ok if he signed it from him, me and our daughter. I told him that it was not a good idea and that we are not a couple. He texted back, saying that he's been crying for 15 minutes and needs to calm down.

So, now I feel even worse....I know I can't be responsible for his actions and his feelings....but I can't help but shoulder some of that blame. And I hate that he's hurting right now....

I feel so incredibly awful....about all of this....every single aspect of it....

[WePow]

Stay focused on self-care right now. You are hurting. It is so true that you are not responsible for his actions or his feelings. It is not your job to take all of his stuff on your shoulders. I know it can be hard to make yourself not care about his stuff right now - but that is what you need to do for self-care. You are conflicted because you are a very wonderful human who has a heart of gold. It is a heart that some people have abused and stepped on for their own greed and desires.

People like your ex and my ex and my father will go through cycles to try to get us to do what they want. It is manipulation. They know we love them on a deep level. And they abuse that human emotion. They use flattery to get us to give into them. They will use tears and try to guilt us into doing what they want. If that does not work, they turn to anger and rage to try to bully us around. Then they will go back to sobbing and being 'so sorry' they did those things to us.

Honestly, it will wear a person out in no time flat to have those types of people in our lives.

Stay within yourself for right now and let yourself process YOUR 'stuff' for now.

(((((((((((mixed))))))))))))

please don't be so hard on yourself. we all do things that we regret later. we're human and we will never be perfect. being hard on yourself actually makes it worse not better. maybe it would be good to contact T and see if you can get an extra session this week. i do think it would really help. also, maybe you and your ex-h could consider doing some joint counseling with someone (his old T you liked?). since he will always be in your life due to your daughter it might really help with setting boundaries and communicating. just having another person in the room when you say something can make an impact and help him to "get it" that you aren't going to get back together with him. please take care mixed.