[Fartraveler]

She wants me to not call her a zillion times before the next appt to make sure that she's actually going to be there. (I like to check.) She says she knows it is very hard for me to trust that she is reliable and she will be there, and if she can't be, she will let me know. She wants me to try believing that she will do what she says. She says I can still email her and call her when I want, just not about that one thing.

I feel like she is really sick of me and never wants to hear from me again.

I know that is not true.

I am going to do what she says.

But I can't think of anything else, and I can't concentrate on work, and it is making me want to use bad coping mechanisms. (But I won't.)

She says that if she wanted me to not see her anymore she would be able to do that, and she said she is not doing that. She just wants me to try to trust her on this one thing.

It shouldn't be a big thing, but it is making me feel very tense.

Just venting. Or something.

-Far

[rainbow8]

((((((Far))))))

Is it that you think your T will change her mind about seeing you, or are you afraid something might happen to her? My fears are always about T getting hurt or worse--or something major happening that's out of my control. I've always trusted all of my Ts to be there when they say they will be.

Do you have OCD? Do you check other things too? It sounds like rationally you trust her, but emotionally you aren't sure. Has someone you counted on in RL been undependable?

I can understand your tenseness and compulsion to want to check on T. Maybe you can cut it down but not stop altogether? I forgot how often your sessions are, but I know they aren't weekly. If you email her about other things, won't that indicate that, yes, she is not going to abandon you?

Sorry for all the questions. I just thought something might fit.

[Fartraveler]

Thanks Rainbow.

She's just being a bit hard on me right now. Because for the past couple of years (since my divorce), I've been seeing her just a few times a year, and it's been just hand-holding -- just maintaining the connection. I didn't want to do therapy, and she said she would be there for me in whatever way I wanted.

So in April I told her I was ready to do actual therapy. (That's when we started this 2 hours twice a month thing.) And she has taken me at my word -- she's definitely pushing me. But I more or less told her she could, and if it goes too far, I will just tell her I don't want to do it any more.

Anyhow it's all just for talking about. (Because if she asks me to do something and I don't, then she doesn't get mad, she just wants to talk about why.) (Either way, she'll want to talk about it: if I do, if I don't.)

There were caretakers that I could not count on. But she says not everybody is that way. She's trying to give me practice in thinking a different way. Not just not calling her, but somehow getting to a place where I don't need to call her.

So, I'll try it. We'll see.

I'm glad your new therapist seems to be working out so well.

Take care,
-Far

[Butterflying]

Hi Far,
I really hear your T just using this situation as an opportunity to help you with this. I don't hear her being sick of you or trying to push you away. It really would be healthier for you to be able to trust that she will call if she wont be in rather than need so much reassurance. And, if you can work with this and not take it personally, I'm sure you will also feel so much better also! It sounds like she has reassured you and allowed a lot of other contact, so please trust her and let the process happen.

[seventyeight]

hi far,

i wrote this in a post a little while back, thought of it again when i read about your "assignment." thought it might help you..

in addition to attachment issues (which i have as well!), you may have trouble with something called "object permanence." it's the concept of understanding that something still exists, even though it is out of sight. babies don't have a grasp of this, and that's why the game "peek-a-boo" works so well with them. they really think that when you're hiding behind your hands, that you are actually gone, and that's why they're so surprise to see you when you appear again.

most people develop this concept early in development, but others don't. and maybe this happened to you. it would explain why you have such an urgency to check on your therapist - to make sure they are really there. i'm the same way. it's gotten a teeny-tiny bit better as i've gone along, but it's definitely still there. i breathe a sigh of relief the minute i see my therapist each week, and not a moment sooner.

not sure if you know about this concept, but i thought it might help you if you knew about it.

[Perna]

Far, if I were you, I'd try to make it all seem a little lighter; I'd maybe buy a garish, plastic, toy phone and keep it with me to represent T and calling her. If you think about it, even her saying she will be there on the phone isn't the real thing, her being there. So, I'd find something that reminded me of her and her promise and hang on to that as if it were the actual phone calling/promise. Maybe put masking tape or something on it and give your T a magic marker and have her sign the tape, "I will be there when I say I will, T".

[Fartraveler]

Thanks, everyone.

Butterflying, thanks for your encouragement. I am really trying to trust her at this point. I do trust her. But I do have to keep reminding myself of that.

Seventy-eight, you could be right. She and I have been talking about attachment issues, and I guess it's fairly clear I have those. I'll have to go back and read up on the object permanence thing. I'm not sure why I keep needing to check on her. It could be a lot of reasons. But what do you do about this stuff? You say you've gotten a little better. How???? I'm an adult. If you're damaged in this crucial way in babyhood, how do you relearn as an adult.

Perna, oddly, I do carry a phone. My cell phone, and in the place where there's no coverage, I get extremely anxious. But you're right, it's not light, and maybe that would help.

-----

The thing is, I know she's trying to help me, and I more or less trust her skills as a therapist. BUT it's making me feel so disoriented and unfocused. Like I'm not really here, like I don't know where I am.

But I have a question--

Does anyone else contact their T to check on appointments, or am I the only one? Last time, I emailed her, and then when she didn't answer by the next morning, I emailed again. And then I called. So that's 3 times, and that would be typical of me. I do that for every appointment. I just like to be sure that she will be there, etc. etc. She said most people don't do that. Is that true? It feels sort of reasonable to me. But she says not.

Do any of you folks need to confirm T appointments beforehand? Or does that seem over-the-top?

Thanks,
-Far

[velcro003]

I never have checked on my T appointment before hand, but for a long time I was paranoid every week that I had the wrong day/wrong time or maybe she would forget/double book? I was SO nervous before every appointment until she came out and got me. It has been 2.5 years, and she has not once double-booked or didn't show up, so I have gotten comfortable with knowing she'll be there.

Though, she once was 15 minutes late and I was FREAKING out thinking I was at the wrong date or time or misheard her (we had switched times). Turned out she was just running late. Thats only happened once, though.

So I understand how you feel.

[rainbow8]

I worry that something will happen to make her cancel, but I almost never call to check on the appointment time. Once or twice in 7 years I called Bt but that's because she was out-of-town and I wanted to make sure she was back.

I do think calling to check before each appointment is unusual. Do you do this about appointments with others, or just with T? I asked this before, but you didn't answer. Do you have OCD tendencies?

Maybe the way you are feeling about her assignment is getting to some important issues for you that are difficult to deal with. You ask: if you are damaged in childhood, how do you relearn as an adult? I think that's what therapy is about, isn't it? Different Ts have different methods, but the goal is to make peace with whatever happened early in life and to gradually learn new skills. I relate to your question because I don't know how to stop wanting to latch onto Ts. I don't know how to relearn something that was/is necessary for me to survive. I think that would be a good question to ask your T.

((((((((((((((far)))))))))))))))

I don't think I've ever called my T to see if he's going to be there, but I have definitely sent a LOT of e-mails simply asking "are you still there"? and he will respond "yes, I'm still here, and I'll see you on Tuesday".

I DO think that for me it was the whole "object permanence" thing. I had a lot of trauma in my childhood, and I am certain that it totally altered my development in certain ways - one of those ways being the ability to attach.

Even though it doesn't make any sense to my logical, adult mind, I think part of me was afraid that T would forget about me in between appointments, and that his forgetting about me would make ME not exist.

T and I tried a lot of things over the years to help me hold onto the connection, but I think in the end, the thing that really solidified it for me was simply the experience of showing up week after week after week and finding him, and our connection, there waiting for me. Now, I truly believe, deep down, that T will be there, that he IS there, that our connection continues even when we're not in the same room...but it took a lot of time to get there.

I wonder if having the experience of not calling and then finding her still there will help to calm that need down for you? I think that on some level, I might feel like "she is there BECAUSE I am calling". Maybe once you find out that even when you don't call she is there, it will quiet the noise inside.

Hugs to you, Far!

Originally Posted by Fartraveler

Does anyone else contact their T to check on appointments, or am I the only one? Last time, I emailed her, and then when she didn't answer by the next morning, I emailed again. And then I called. So that's 3 times, and that would be typical of me. I do that for every appointment. I just like to be sure that she will be there, etc. etc. She said most people don't do that. Is that true? It feels sort of reasonable to me. But she says not.

Do any of you folks need to confirm T appointments beforehand? Or does that seem over-the-top?

Thanks,
-Far

I never check on appointments. My t has a secretary who handles all that anyway. In 5 years he's only cancelled twice that I can remember, so I never doubt that he'll be there. The secretary calls the day before to confirm appointments with all of his patients.

[sunrise]

Fartraveler, if you do what she says and don't call, and just go to your sessions and have her always be there, you will get positive reinforcement from her reliable behavior, and your need to check will probably ease. The first time will probably be the very hardest.

I don't interpret her request that you not check on her to mean she doesn't want to see you. I think she is trying to help you.

Does anyone else contact their T to check on appointments, or am I the only one?

I used to check on my PNP before almost every session. I started this because early on we had some miscommunication about session times and were getting our wires crossed. (I would write down 10 am as the appointment time and she would write down 10:30--stuff like that). So it started being easier to just verify the morning of the appointment or the day before, when I would be seeing her. I usually sent a short email, "see you today at 3 pm." At some point, after she showed she could reliably keep an appointment as we had agreed, I did start trusting her more and stopped this email verification. She's been doing really well for the last year or so, and my need for verification has eased. I think early instances of our not connecting on the appointment time created this behavior in me of checking, and when she altered her behavior to being more reliable, I was able to change my behavior too. Fartraveler, I wonder if you had some appointment time snafus early in your relationship that has caused you to always check with her?

[purple_fins]

I agree with Sunrise--

if you do what she says and don't call, and just go to your sessions and have her always be there, you will get positive reinforcement from her reliable behavior, and your need to check will probably ease. The first time will probably be the very hardest

(Sunrise is very wise!)

I could NEVER ever check with T.
Seems I feel guilty just breathing, possibly taking up someone elses air-- my anxiety would not let me call unless it was critical-- like police involved or hospital.(done that a few times)

I think it's been quite self-preserving that you HAVE called and can sure understand the difficulty of not calling.

Trusting your T. will be there, without you calling, is what it will probably take.

wishing you the best with this homework!

fins

[ECHOES]

Can you see this as exploring holding on to good thoughts and feelings?
What has now come up for you around this is important to talk about with her.
What is it that drives the desire to call even when you 'know' she is there--is something to think about and explore. What are you experiencing right before you reach for the phone, what happens to the reassurance, once received--something to notice and think about and explore.

A zillion is a lot. Can you call 1 less than a zillion..

[Fartraveler]

Hi all.

Thanks for responses.

I feel like I do this a lot -- start these threads and then I just can't come back to them because I stop being able to think about them. (But here I am.)

I used to have this feeling that if she wasn't thinking about me, I would not exist. (Like you said, Treehouse. Just like that.) That's why the hang-up calls were OK with me. I knew that she would know they were from me, and that she would think of me, and then I could exist again.

It was so hard when she went away.

I know that she is not abandoning me. I know that she is not kicking me out. I know that this is a very small restriction on our interactions, and I also know that she will be there when our next meeting is scheduled.

Yet I also feel so distant from her and everything and very unconnected. It is a dissociation thing. I do it a lot. (Rainbow, I am not OCD, except possibly about a few things.) It is that vague unconnected feeling.

Also, I am wanting to move away and never see her again. There is this community in another state that I was thinking of moving to, and now I really really want to. I feel like that would be the best thing for me to do.

It is strange to me that I am having this strong reaction. I suppose that is why I have always needed to control our interactions so much (and why she has let me). For me it was really big to tell her that we could do therapy her way. And now practically the first thing she does is this.

(And last year she told me that if I was really worried about it, I should call her and she didn't mind calling me back, there was no need for me to torture myself.) (And now she has changed her mind.)

OK, I know I can call her about anything else, and email her about anything else, but I don't really care to.

The thing is, I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like she is my only friend and companion and the only thing in my life, and she doesn't want me any more. OK, I know this is not true.

I guess I should just go do something.

Arggh.

OK, thanks everyone for all your support and ideas.

Take care,
-Far

[Fartraveler]

I just called her. I didn't expect she would answer (usually it's just a voice message) (and it's a Saturday). But she picked up the phone. She said she wasn't trying to make me go away. She said it was a lovely day, and I should get outside, she said I seem to do better when I get out of my apartment. (She wasn't trying to make me go away from her, is what she meant.)

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? !?!?!?!?!?!?!???!?!?!?!?!?

[sunrise]

Fartraveler, you got a really positive and reassuring message from your T. That's great! Can you take a moment to celebrate before jumping to "what's wrong with me?"? Everything is good with your T. Yay!!

[Fartraveler]

Sunrise, thanks. You are right. She was very patient and understanding. Also, she did not actually have to pick up the phone -- I think she probably knew it was me.

I guess I haven't internalized it though.

I still feel like she is trying to make me go away.

Thank you though for reminding me that she was kind and patient and encouraging and reassuring.

I don't know why she puts up with me.

-Far