Enough

Oh ((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))))

I have honestly been just where you are at. It was so so so so scary to take those steps to make myself really, truly trusting and vulnerable - to admit my needs, to ask T to meet them, all of that. And more than once during that process, I left a session feeling like "wow, this is IT, finally, someone I can trust", and it was almost immediately followed up by some disappointment - T not responding to an e-mail, or saying the "wrong" thing, or whatever.

T leaves me a voice mail after every session, and I remember that in the session where I really told him the hugest part of my story, he didn't leave a message that night until after 10pm (he always leaves them in the late afternoon on his way home from work). it took everything I had to go in there with that story, and the session was amazing in some ways, and then it was like - bam! immediate disappointment. I felt unimportant and untouchable and unwanted and all kinds of icky things. Ugh!

Now that I've been with T for almost 3 years - twice a week - the fear of trusting him is almost gone, and things feel really different. Now, I can be vulnerable with T, and ask to have needs met, and sometimes he really gets it just right and sometimes he still doesn't - but I still have this underlying knowledge that it's OKAY. When he is slow to respond or says something dumb or whatever, it doesn't change that fact that he DOES care for me and I CAN trust him. It can ALL be true at the same time - T can love me and be slow to e-mail me and I can trust him and he can say stupid things and I can have needs and he can meet those needs or he can totally drop the ball and my needs can still be okay.

It's SO messy, there's no clear black/white, right/wrong. It can ALL be true at the same time.

I know how hard it is to not make up a story around the e-mail - that T didn't mean what he said, or that your needs aren't okay, or whatever. I do that all the time, and now I tell the stories to T: "when you didn't e-mail me, here's the story I made up". And he hears my story and he tells me as much as he can about what actually happened, and we both learn something.

Don't give up, WePow. All of this fighting to learn to connect is part of the process - the hardest part of the process in a lot of ways - but it is totally worth it. You are doing really good work.

All you guys are so awesome. I keep reading your replies over and over and thinking about them.

This AM I woke up and felt the emotional distance again. My comfortable SAFE place. I know T cares. I know the stuff is on my end. He never replied to the email so I know he won't. But it is OK. I do feel the door of trust shut last night when I went to bed. I don't think I will ever do THAT again. Not to that extent. Rainbow, I really think you are right - that I did a test I knew he would not pass. I knew if the email was deep that silence was the response. And I knew if he did not respond that I would use it as fuel to shut the door that I was so afraid to have open. I feel like such a little kid inside with all this. I think I will just give myself some space from therapy stuff and just not think about it at all until next session. Who knows what kind of person I will be by that time (next Wed).

Thank you all again. Very much.

WePow, it seems when we had so many neglected needs while growing up that they just seem so big today. With continued therapy you will get those needs the right size. There is nothing wrong with being needy. It is a part of healing. What happened to you while growing up wasn't right and the effects of that are still with you and this is why it continues to not feel right. You will work through all of this though until everything feels just about right. I'm not saying that you will never have problems again but the problems will be manageable and won't feel so overwhelming. So, anyway, what I am also trying to say is that when you grow up with so many unmet needs, they get so big and they need to be met NOW! This is so normal. It will get better and these things won't seem so strong. No one can perfectly meet these needs today and grownups need to meet most of their needs themselves (you need help sometimes but it is really up to you) EXCEPT for when you are healing like this. You need ALOT of help while healing but just remember that most of us have to wait and be patient for many things. Needs being met on demand is a fantasy. I hope I am coming across appropriately.

(((( Sannah )))) What you said really does help alot. Thank you.

WePow...for what it's worth, you are not alone in going through these rollercoasters rides of feeling almost complete trust for t and like you can really open up and count on him.....to 30 seconds later feeling like an idiot for thinking t would care and that you could ever trust or rely on anyone. My t is big on telling me that this is just a fear I have. I call them "facts" but he says no, they are "fears". And fearing he doesn't care doesn't make it true - it doesn't make it reality. I so, so, so know the utter devastation you feel after you send an email and get no response and each passing minute with no response seems like an eternity, until you get to the point of turning on yourself saying you don't care and were silly to think you could trust t and shut yourself off and try to turn away.

But for me, much as I have told myself (each time) that that is it, NO MORE, I will not trust him again, nor email - I will go to therapy but will not allow myself to get involved - I will not let him or therapy hurt me or make me vulnerable again.....each time, before too long, t will do something so supportive or that makes me feel so safe and secure, that it somehow washes away all the hurt again and restores my hope - in t, in a future, in things one day being better.

I hope your t does the one big or small thing that it will take to restore your faith in him and in hope and in the future really soon. I ...sense he will do it....I just hope he does it quick. Because the pain you are feeling is very real and you need that high that is just around the corner, when t restores your belief and trust in him once more.

Wow - did I ramble or what?

Just wondering, WePow, have you and T had an honest talk about how you feel when he doesn't respond to your emails? Has he said he will or won't answer them, and in what time frame, etc.? If so, then at least you'd know what to expect. I hate to see you feeling so rejected when this situation could be resolved by a talk with T. I know that Ts can't always meet our needs 100%, but you could have an agreement concerning his response to your emails, at least. Or am I missing the boat here?

Rainbow, thank you for this response. I am CERTAIN it is just me and my messed up mind and cracked heart. I just don't know the rules of stuff like this. He said it was never me - but his ability - when it comes to not answering emails. So I understand that and in my world he doesn't have the ability to want to go the extra step for me... but that is stupid of me to wish for it... It is dumb of me to expect it and I know it. I know therapy is one hour a week. He could not even allow me to email at all.

I don't know what it was I needed or thought I needed in my heart. All I know is that it is broken too much and now it just no longer matters at all. I hit my emotional low today and right now even. He is not there and that is just the facts and I can't want more becuase it will harm me and so I just don't care. I surrender to the facts and will no longer ever be the needy client. I will go in and chat but not from the real me... from the social me who is trying I guess... but it is back to solid wall lock down on the inside and I think that is just where I am the safest. Soon it will end. It can't last forever.. even if it were the best. It all ends soon. So I don't care anymore.

(((wepow)))
are yuo all right? sorry ..that sounds stupid...of course you aren't all right. You're awfully hurt and with that hurt comes self protective walls and no more trust. We can hear you. and understand that hurt. plese never stop trying...

(((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))

I thought about you a lot today. Learning to trust T - and moving in and out of trusting/shutting down - is so incredibly painful.

T told me that it's okay to put my wall back up when I need to. Learning to trust and be vulnerable after a lifetime of being hurt, badly, is more difficult than I have the words for. It's absolutely been the hardest thing about my therapy. By far. (and there are about a zillion posts on PC documenting it all in excruciating detail )

I tried to think today of how I moved through it...and I think, truly, all I did was keep showing up and being honest. I went back and forth and back and forth and back and forth for years....but slowly, over time, the trusting times got longer, and the wall times got shorter. For me, it took TIME - I had to experience T being there and being trustworthy over and over and over and over again. And when he made a mistake, I had to experience what it felt like to move forward WITH T, even if I had to do it with armor on and walls up for a while.

Here is a little hope for you...T leaves me messages after every appointment. I saw him yesterday morning, and he didn't leave a message yesterday, which was weird. Then today, he didn't call this morning, didn't call all day, didn't call in the afternoon. I finally called and left a message and said "did you forget about me?" and he finally called this afternoon and said that he had written notes about what he wanted to say and thought about "the perfect message" in his head...and then didn't call, because in his mind, he thought he had actually already LEFT the message. LOL And then he left my message, and it was really nice.

A year ago - even a few months ago - I PROMISE you I would have made up so many stories that felt SO REAL - that T wanted to get rid of me, that I was too needy, that I asked for too much, that T didn't care after all, that T was angry at me (etc. etc. etc.). Today, there was NO story. At all. I just called and he left me a message laughing about his mistake and his laugh made me laugh and it was okay. That is SO far from how I would have felt during the first 2 years (or more) of therapy. And I may go back to the walled off place still, but I spend WAY more time in this place. It really can get better.

I'm sorry it's SO SO hard, WePow. It won't be this hard forever.

(((((WePow)))))

Wanted to let you know I was thinking about you.

Wepow
That damned rollercoaster ride! Trust...No trust... I know cause I'm riding it now. Each "occurance" feels just as fresh as the first...whether that first be in our childhood or not. It's a very raw pain that hurts all through the body. Next thing you know...all is well and we're comfy and secure, then BAMMM! again...
It Isn't you at all....from what I'm told, it's human nature/miscommunication/ mistakes/and all random bs.
take it easy on yourself please

WePow, remember that this is about more than just T, this is your inner child crying out for everything that she didn't get while growing up. Babies cry to be fed or changed and they demand it now. As we mature we get more patient but you might still be at that very young stage where it is so, so difficult to wait. This is okay because it is normal (and I know painful too). You will progress WePow. You aren't going to contact your T about this are you? He won't know your pain unless you tell him.

Sannah - no... I will not contact T about this. I may tell him about it in a few months long after the pain is past. I tend to do that and he kinda looks at me with a funny expression like "What took you so long to tell me?" Suppose it is just the way I keep safe. When I was a child, my mom said that if we got hurt, she would spank us. So we tried very hard to never tell our folks when we were hurt. I cut my finger one morning before church (was trying to find out what was on the inside of a golf ball - lol ) and I was in real pain - I should have had stitches. But I hid my hand all during church services. Then my folks decided it would be a great day to go to the fun park. UGG! I was just acting like I was having the time of my life but it hurt so much. I didn't say a single word. It was only years later when my mom was asking me why I had a line growing on my thumbnail that I told her what happened.

My childhood is full of stories like that from my brothers as well. Once my baby brother got his finger caught in the car door when we were going to church. He was only 7. But he didn't cry or say a peep. When we got to church, he was almost blue from holding his breath and when my mom opened the car door, his finger was purple. He was ok. But that was just how things were.

((((tree)))) thank you tons. Thank you all for your help. I really am so glad to have you all. It will be ok - I know that. I just am learning how he is and I was so exposed in that email. It still hurts on the inside three days later. But the wall is up so it is not as bad. I ended up drinking too much last night trying to erase the pain - which never works - uggg. But this was one of the hardest things emotionally I ever went through in therapy. Yesterday I was even jumping (like a PTSD response) at any blue truck I saw - that is what T drives. I was flinching!!!

At least today I am calmer and colder about it all. I get to spend the day with my best friend and go to the movies, so that will be cool. I am so sad about her though because she is really my only best friend and her brother has untreatable cancer and will pass soon. And she may be loosing her job. And she might have to move across the state to be with her folks. Uggg!!

I am really so strange about getting hurt on the inside. Even with my best friend (of 21 yrs now) - we were close emotionally and then about 6 yrs ago I needed her once in a very bad way - something that I hardly ever did - I needed to talk to her. But she is kinda closed off sometimes too and keeps to a schedule with stuff. But she could not come meet me to talk. That one thing broke something inside me with her. She is still my best friend - since I really do not have any friends. But I never again asked her to meet me like that - and I stopped sharing myself with her. Now I see her and we do stuff together sometimes, but it is like she is a stranger to me on the inside. I just shoved her out... all over one "silly" thing.

Maybe on Wed I will talk with T about that issue. Maybe that will show him that when I do get broken of how it just doesn't get fixed. That ability for me to trust is so fragile. I want to trust my friend again and open up to her again, but it is broken deep inside of me and I can't force the door open. That is what this feels like with T. And it makes me sad because I kinda did need a T in my life. And I will not start over again with some new T - it will just end up this same way anyway. It is something wrong with ME on the inside that I just am too sensitive to things like that I suppose.

Thank you all again so so so much!!!!

That is what T is for.

I think you're putting more in there than might actually exist, Wepow. He says he doesn't have the ability to answer the email but that is not the same as not having the ability to want to go the extra step. . .

I understand writing to T and wanting T to reply. That's straightforward and there's disappointment when T doesn't reply. But there's nothing wrong with wanting T to reply or in feeling disappointed if T doesn't reply. But what the disappointment means to us, is personal, not about T's replying or not replying.

If T hasn't the experience/time/ability to answer the email, that is about T and we have to accept that; for example, my parents decided they could not afford for me to take flute lessons in 6th grade. But where we go with our disappointment of T not answering is all us. Deciding that my parents didn't want to afford flute lessons for me in 6th grade is something completely different; is making my parents decision about how much money they had/didn't have and how it had to be apportioned in our family, personally and blaming my parents for my disappointment, instead of accepting what I want and was not able to get for myself at this time.

Yes, I was a child and did not have any understanding of money and my parents finances, was only concerned about what I felt I wanted at the moment. But life is like that throughout, we don't always get what we want. I think it's even less easy when we're adults to come to grips with that than when we're children because it appears more black and white when we're children. I had never specifically heard of a flute when it was recommended I have lessons on it; had never actually ever seen one so my "wanting" to be in the band was really about other things; about being selected after a test, being special. I know now that if I'd really wanted to play the flute I could easily have gotten books from the library about music and that instrument, would have paid attention two years earlier in 4th grad when we had recorder lessons, etc. but I was a child and did not see those connections whereas my parents did.

I think when working with T, we have a great deal that we don't see, just like when we were children but that T might see, just as my parents must have. In addition to truly not having the money (there were 5 children in my family, my stepmother made a lot of my clothes, etc.) they saw more of my overall life (my 4th grade inattention/failing at recorder lessons) and made a "better" decision overall.

However, I didn't know any of that and didn't feel like their decision was good, etc. When I was 38, I found a clarinet teacher and bought a clarinet and had one-on-one lessons and, guess what? I didn't practice, didn't try very hard, didn't really like playing a musical instrument, just liked the "idea" of playing a musical instrument. The good thing that came out of it is I quit resenting that my parents had "held me back" by not letting me take flute lessons in 6th grade, that their decision 26-27 years earlier had been a good one for both them and me.

If T did/does answer your emails every time? What do you learn or take away from that? What happens when there is no more T? What happens when no one else is that deliberately consistent. Parental consistency is good because it provides the "good enough" parent, not the "perfect" parent. Consistency is not every single time, but enough times to form a pattern. Our parental SO's were consistently abusive so that we view them as "abusive". But they weren't abusive all the time; they weren't perfectly abusive.

I don't think it's strange given the level of abuse and neglect that you endured as a child. How hard it must be to trust someone when you couldn't even trust your own parents like that. I am really sorry he didn't respond to your email. I wish he had. You need that.

Perna, thank you for your reply. That is what I also see... I know he is doing like what my parents did and doing things that are going to make me stronger in the long run. That was the story of my life. "I will do this and you will be hurt but you will learn from it and then you will be stronger, so I am hurting you for your own good."

It would have taken just a few words from him to have changed things. I was there - ready to give all and trust. He told me several times to trust him. Just like others in my life. I should have learned from the past to not trust anyone for any reason at all. But I thought I would give it one last shot.

I don't blame him at all... or my parents... or anyone but me. It was MY fault I allowed myself to be that open and exposed, even while knowing full well what I was risking. I just can't believe that after all I have been through in life that I was that gullible yet again. Too many people have come and gone in my life and it has always been the same thing = You may not like how you feel about this relationship, but you will be a stronger person afterwards. I remember my abusive ex-husband flat out telling me that even "You know why I am hurting you don't you? Because you are too weak to stand up for yourself. If I hurt you, you will eventually fight back. I will have made you into a stronger person."

I know T is not doing anything he thinks would harm me. And it is not him doing anything wrong. I just did need him and he could not or would not give me what I needed. It was not a want this time. But that is ok too. His silence just allowed me to see that I was seriously mistaken to even attempt to trust another human on that deep of a level. So I learned from this a reminder of my own life lesson - to not ever allow anyone that close to the true me. So that lesson will keep me safe I suppose.

Can't explain it well. It just is what it is. I feel foolish and very childish because I did get hurt.. because I forgot all the lessons I learned from the past on self protection... because I allowed him to talk me into letting down that guard and that was the dumbest thing I have done in years.

This keeps sticking at me... I keep thinking about it. And that is why I will not tell him about it... there is something very deep there. Something about telling someone when they hurt me and then that is like giving them weapons to use against me again. That if they know that something they did or how I interpreted an action "got" to me, that they will use it in the future to harm me intentionally. I am not sure when I learned that lesson or how. But I know that lesson is very deep. The more something hurts me, the more I will hide it from that person. I remember when I was a teen being in agony around "friends" and laughing it up and pretending I was having the time of my life. I remember doing all I could do to make darn sure they NEVER found out about my pain. Interesting.

(((((WePow)))))

I understand this **perfectly**, wepow.

For me, it led to being so masked that I could be a complete freaking out mess inside and look calm and collected on the outside. I still struggle with that. My T has learned to pick up on the subtler signs of my anxiety or inner turmoil, but most people would never know. It is something I learned very, very early in life and will probably never completely lose. And that's ok with me. It kept me safe for a long time.

Well I already broke my own rule and sent T another email.
I got an invitation in the mail today for my half-sister's wedding where my dad (who also abused her) is going to walk her down the isle for her second wedding. I got tons of family stuff around that side of the family because one of my primary abusers was their best friend and even dated my half-brother at the time she was molesting me. ugggg! Anyway, I am not safe right now and I will NOT call my T even though I know he wants me to if I get bad. But I am still emotionally not right from that last email I sent to T. But I had to write because I had to tell him what was going on or I was going to be even worse because right now I am not well since talking with my mom about that family stuff. She told me new details I didn't know about.

I am not sure why I broke my rule I just made. Man... I am so messed up. I know T won't reply to my email I just sent and that will be fine. I hope he doesn't even read it because I don't want him to know how messed up I am inside. I am going through this stuff and no dissociating at all since I came back from the ocean. I wish I could vanish from myself right now!!

(((((wepow))))) I'm glad you broke your "rule". I have set those same kinds of rules for myself regarding my T before, and broken them. The bottom line is, you have to do what feels right. For me, when I feel the sting of abandonment/rejection from T (or anyone) my instinct is to pull away, back inside my shell where nobody can hurt me. And yet I know I'm in recovery now, and part of being in recovery is NOT doing what I've always done.

I'm just saying, don't beat yourself up for breaking the rule. What is they say about rules being made to be broken?

(((( zoo )))) thank you so much ... I really do hate putting stupid rules on myself that only hurt me. You guys all made a lot of sense. You know how it is, this stuff is just so hard to work through. So painful at times. I am so thankful to have you guys' support!!

I am sooooo glad you guys helped me out with this! My T answered my email I just sent. He wants me to be able to use email as a therapy tool if needed.
I needed him tonight and there he was.

WePow

I'm so glad you reached out to your T and he was there for you. That is wonderful. I'm glad you are going to be able to use email as a therapy tool when you need it.