[Kacey2]

Well now it has been over two weeks since I ended the relationship with my t. It has been well over two years and I just could not shake the transferance. I felt like t just wasn't caring about me anymore. That we had did what we could etc.... I sent a brief email about how I was aware of the fact that there wasn't a working alliance anymore. I told him to not return a reply with email. He respected that. I have not heard from hiim.

I am sad but I know that it is a relationship that has to end anyway. I haven't completely fallen apart but have came very close. I wish that those intense feelings that I felt for him could have been returned. Not in a romantic way. I know it comes from not getting any true parenting but he can not parent me and that is what I wanted it to become.

I feel a little tricked because it was like he wanted me to become attached to him. To rely on him. He was available in the beginning and then poof....it was gone. Early on when I would quit he would call or email and convince me to stay in therapy. He didn't do that this time. I know you are all going to say it is not t's job to convince me to stay.... but it is just an example of how so much has changed. At my last appointment we made a list of all the things t could do for me so I could shift my thinking from what I can't have. (my idea) We had a hard time coming up with ten things and it felt like he was filtering through a text book. (I told him that.)

The problem is that I have started a new DBT group at the same clinic and the number one rule is that you need to be in individual therapy at the same time. I am going to keep going until I am called out on it. I wonder how long I can stay in the group. I don't want to get in to another t relationship at all! I hope they don't bring it up. I am sure the skills leaders will figure it out because of their consultation team.

I feel so lost. I have had such an intense relationship with t. I don't have many relationships in my life and it is a huge loss for me. SAD!!!! I feel like I have lost so much. But I do feel free from the humilation and shame for wanting something more from t. That was terrible. It was like being rejected week after week. I had enough of that growing up.

What do I do now? Any support would be so kind. Thanks. KC

[rainbow8]

Kacey, first some I know how hard it is to quit seeing a T you are so attached to. It happened with my first T and I was devastated until I saw another T to resolve the transference, or so I thought. It's difficult when you are so needy. I'm speaking for you, for me, and for everyone else who wants her/his T to be more than he/she can be.

There are others going through DBT who will probably respond to your concern about seeing a private T. I would guess that you will have to, though.

I feel so lost. I have had such an intense relationship with t. I don't have many relationships in my life and it is a huge loss for me. SAD!!!! I feel like I have lost so much. But I do feel free from the humilation and shame for wanting something more from t. That was terrible. It was like being rejected week after week. I had enough of that growing up.

So many of us go through this problem with our Ts. I wish there were an answer. Even though my T gives me a lot, I have the same problem. I had the same problem with my last T who didn't give me a lot. I don't think there's any answer, sad as that thought may be. We have to do without or learn to give what we need to ourselves. Or get some from others. But those solutions, IMO, do not solve the everlasting feeling of wanting more.

[Sweetlove]

I'm sorry you went through that with your T. I feel like I am becoming too attached to my T, and my biggest fear is that he is going to start rejecting me. It must be so painful to be hurt by someone who you rely on for so much.

I know you say you don't want to get into a new relationship with a T right now, but give it time. You will heal from this eventually and I think you should continue the work you started with this T. And you may have new things to process and deal with revolving around what you are going through with this T.

I hope you can find some peace soon

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((((((Kacey)))))))))))))))))

That sounds really really painful.

I think you need to give yourself some time before you decide what you are going to do about an individual T. Last year I quit therapy with my current T, and eventually I went back to see her. I don't want to go into all the details about the situation because this is about you, but I just want to plant the seed in your head that going back to your T is an option, and it may very well be the right option. Sometimes the only way out is through, and although it is difficult, working through the issues and feelings with your T may be very healing.

I hope that soon the right path for you will be clear.
Big hugs!!!

[trueFaith]

Hi Kacey

I am sad but I know that it is a relationship that has to end anyway.

The fear of abandonment! That fear is huge, and I think you are trying to run away from those feelings. It’s a normal response, but it is not in your best interest to do so if you want to become a whole and peaceful person. For that, you need to get rid of the influences from your past – the fear of abandonment!

I haven't completely fallen apart but have came very close. I wish that those intense feelings that I felt for him could have been returned. Not in a romantic way. I know it comes from not getting any true parenting but he can not parent me and that is what I wanted it to become.

No, he can not parenting you but he can help you and be there for you when you are feeling those emotions, when you’re re- experiencing the feelings from the past so you can get them out of “your system”. And it takes time, a lot of time.

I feel a little tricked because it was like he wanted me to become attached to him. To rely on him.

Our relationships with our T´s cannot evoke something which is not already there. This is happening because of the attachment to your T and it is a positive thing, even if it doesn’t feel that way, especially not when you are in the middle of the transference - all sorts of fears, fantasies and longings. You CAN rely on him. He is still there for you if you want him to. Don’t forget - YOU abandoned him, not the other way around.

He was available in the beginning and then poof....it was gone. Early on when I would quit he would call or email and convince me to stay in therapy. He didn't do that this time. I know you are all going to say it is not t's job to convince me to stay.... but it is just an example of how so much has changed.

Maybe, because of your progress, he thinks it’s time for you take some responsibility for your own journey?

At my last appointment we made a list of all the things t could do for me so I could shift my thinking from what I can't have. (my idea) We had a hard time coming up with ten things and it felt like he was filtering through a text book. (I told him that.)

If you, because of you fear, unconsciously are looking for a way out, you’ll find one. I wanted to quit therapy every other weekend during a period of 12- 16 months – when I worked through both the negative and positive transferences. I constantly wanted to escape, both from myself and my T.

I feel so lost. I have had such an intense relationship with t.

And that is just AWESOME that you had such intensive relationship! Don’t destroy it out of fear. Go back and talk to him about all this. He will be so happy for you! Talking and talking and talking, and live through all those feelings, that’s therapy in a nutshell. Therapy is a very slow process and it often feels like that there is no end to it. But there is! But it is an extremely painful process.

I don't have many relationships in my life and it is a huge loss for me. SAD!!!! I feel like I have lost so much. But I do feel free from the humiliation and shame for wanting something more from t. That was terrible. It was like being rejected week after week. I had enough of that growing up.

This is soo good that you are aware of this feelings and that’s exactly what therapy is about, re- experiencing those feelings, work them through with your T. When therapy works, it feels just as when we grew up, thats why it is so hurtful. But those feelings have to come forth. It´s a part of the process.

What do I do now? Any support would be so kind. Thanks. KC

Kacey, it seems that you have such a good relationship with your T. Go back and talk to him. Give it one more chance. When I felt this way, somehow I always managed to go back for “just one more time”, and that one more time always led to something positive so I could continue. And so it goes…

Here I am, coming from almost nowhere and responding to your post. But it makes me sad to see you walk away and not knowing that your wanting to leave is a part of a very good therapeutic alliance. That’s why I jumped in. If you think I’m totally off, feel free to ignore my respond. Either way, I wish you the very best! Take care!

[WikidPissah]

It's hard for me to understand, I have never been attached to a T so much. But in reading this my heart goes out to you. I wish you had more people in your life to fill that need. I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly. I want to encourage you to take a breath if you need to. You can use other tools to help you thru this. I am a big advocate of the Samaritans, http://www.befrienders.org/
because they always listen, and you can say ANYTHING without the fear of the men in white coats showing up at your doorstep. It's a good number to keep on hand, there is no rule of how many times you can call, or what hours you can call or anything. It isn't a T replacement, you're probably going to have to do that at some point, but in the mean time it can help you thru the rough spots.

[SpiritRunner]

others have offered you so many helpful words already. I at least want to offer you these - I can understand how hard it is and how much it hurts.....attachment has value and yet it does hurt, too. My T has talked about being 'attach-worthy' and she is, but yet there are all these boundaries (and I understand why) and sometimes the whole relationship can feel so contrary and conflicting - like a push-pull thing.
You have suffered a real loss, and do have a right to grieve it. I wish you peace.

[lastyearisblank]

Kacey
It's sad that you didn't get a response from your t, if you wanted one.... I don't want to tell you what to do, but you can always go back if it gets too bad. Maybe your dbt group leader can suggest someone else, or I don't know that much about the format of dbt, but maybe they could do 1-on-1 therapy with you, and that way you wouldn't have to vet someone new?

Kacey, I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly. Poor poor you.

It's so complicated. I can imagine how hurtful it feels when your T appears to have just let you go without a fight, but I guess he is bound by strict ethics, and when you said 'I'm terminating, don't reply', he would be failing to respect your autonomy and could even be accused of harrassing you if he did reply. The mixed feelings also sound very confusing- feeling alone and afraid for your future, and at the same time feeling relieved at escaping from the constantly wanting more and the judgements you make about yourself for that. It is understandable to feel cheated and tricked.

I'm so glad you're going to the DBT skills group. I hope that the skills are helping a bit and it would be fab if you could connect with some of the group members. You're probably right that they're likely to figure out that you don't have an individual T, but perhaps you could use DEAR MAN and negotiate with them when it gets to that point? Tell them that the group is important to you and you are willing to work with them to find a solution so you can stay in it?

If you really are certain that the pain of the attachment far outweighs any possible benefits, could you see another T who you're less likely to form such a strong attachment to? Does your attachment follow a pattern- is it more likely to occur with particular types of people? I know that mine is generally to 30-something year old females, and if I wanted a 'functional, purely business' T relationship I would see an older man, for example. But perhaps it's not this straight forward for you? I guess an alternative would be to go for a different kind of therapy, which is less focused on the relationship e.g. have individual DBT skills training to reinforce what you are learning in the group? This would just focus on teaching you the skills and you doing your homework.

A few people have gently suggested the possibility of going back to your T. I wanted to say that I hope that if this is what would be good and healing for you, you will be able to do this.

Please keep writing. It is so understandable to be reeling from the loss of such an intense and important relationship, especially when you don't have much support in your life outside therapy. You are not all alone in this pain. We care very much about what happens to you and I'm thinking of you

[Kacey2]

Tbank you all for such kind and caring words. I am literally freaking out right now because I did decide to try and call my t and he was gone for the day so I called the coaching line and it rang twice and then was put to voicemail. I then called back it rang four times and went to voicemail. I left a message and no return call. I don't think he will call me back. I am shaking with emotions I just don't know what....

[lastyearisblank]

You really think he won't call you back? I think he will!

Kacey, I'm glad you decided to call. I'm so sorry you couldn't just get to speak to T and cut out all the horrible waiting. Do you remember what you said in your message? If it sounded confused or gave mixed signals, I wonder whether it would be a good idea to leave a further message which sounds 'wise mind' and really clear, saying that you know you asked him not to contact you, but on reflection you don't want it to end like this and you're feeling [feelings] and you'd very much like him to call you so you can work on this together. Just so he's clear that he wouldn't be violating your (relatively formal) email request that he doesn't contact you again?

Keep breathing. Can you distract yourself while you wait?

Here waiting with you <3

[darkrunner]

Kacey,
First of all, BIG HUGS to you!!
The feelings of waiting for T to call are yukky and hard to sit with.

But, I am SO GLAD you called. Even if it felt impulsive, I think it is a good decision.

I also wonder if there is a deeper reason why you decided to call at 6 pm on a Friday. Could that have been a kind of passive aggressive attempt to confirm your feelings that your T doesn't really care, if he doesn't call back right away? I don't know how available your T is on the weekends so this may be totally off base, but I thought I'd throw it out there.

[WikidPissah]

i am glad you made a move to call KC...I really hope a return call comes relatively quickly. Is T available on weekends as a rule?

Kacey, how are you doing today?

I was also wondering whether your T is usually available at weekends, whether he might be taking the weekend off etc.

Thinking of you

[Kacey2]

Thanks everyone here's the update. Let me respond to posts first:

Eileen- Thank you for your empathy and for the link to the samaritans. I will keep them in mind. I did not know that was an option.

LastYear- Thanks for the hope and cheerleading! One of the things that make it sticky is that t's wife is one of the DBT group leaders. Hard to talk about t issues.

Improving- I really appreciate you reminding me about the ethics on his behalf, about how if I say don't contact me he really has his hands tied. And what a dilema I could possibly be putting him in by terminating in email and then asking him to call me. Phone issues have changed recently or are in the process of change. Before I had t's cell phone to call for phone coaching and now the clinic is changing their DBT program and there is a different phone that will be rotated between 4 or 5 psychologist/psychiatrists. So before I had contact with t and now I only will if it is his week. Right now he has the new phone because they haven't started that rotation. I will change this week or next probably. When I called the new phone line yesterday I did not even know if he had the phone or not. In my message I just asked for him to call me.

Darkrunner- I could very possibly have acted passive aggressively in this whole situation. I did call his office at the end of the day on Friday because he usually doesn't return calls until the end of the day. I did wait it out all week hoping he would call me. Then I panicked about not being able to reach him and I was going to have to sit with these emotions all weekend long when I kind of thought I would only have to wait it out for a while. I really thought he would have called. He has in the past. I guess the rules have changed a little.

PoetGirl- Yes it is a relationship with contrary aspects to it. I think that is what is so hard for me to understand sometimes. I have thought about this a lot and what I think is that I've had my boundaries broken a lot as a kid and also rigid rules and it feels like punishment or something. I don't know.....

This is getting long so I will respond to others later ok?

Last night my t did not call back and a couple hours later I called that line again at least hoping for coaching from whoever had the phone. He answered this time. He told me that I could schedule an appointment and we could work through this. That he was hopeful we could do the hard work. He said that he reacted very strongly to my email. He was angry and discouraged. He said he did have the staff cancel all of my appointments. I always schedule two months out because the 4 pms on tues are the only thing that work for me because that is the latest and they are always filled up and I have to work. I am just overwhelmed and bummed out. I guess I will just talk with him on Monday and see what to do. I will write more about our brief conversation later as this post is getting long.

[lastyearisblank]

It's good that he was hopeful. Hopefully you can tell more of your side of the story and he can get it a little better on Monday.

There might be a rule about holding appointments for patients who have quit- like they can only do it for a certain number of days.

Happy for you kacey.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((Kacey)))))))))))))

I have been thinking of you. Did you get to talk to your T today?
Were you able to reschedule an appointment?

[jazzy123456]

awww kacey.... i wish i could jump through the screen and give u a big fat HUG.!
this is soo sad but, at the same time, with every loss, we usually gain something else, who knows what good is waiting for you on the other side of this pain? you never know, really... sometimes things fall apart so other things in life can fall together...try not to feel completley hopeless..idk if u feel this way? but, i certainly feel for you and how difficult it can feel to be abandoned by your T, to watch them change, and give you less support when you feel you need it. good luck kacey.
it will all work out dear, try to be HOPEFUL. and make sure u give yourself the credit for joining therapy in the first place, that in itself, takes a lot of courage, be gentle with yourself, give yourself a pat on the back, and make sure you find some support as you have to make the transtion out of therapy.

[jazzy123456]

AND i just now saw the update... and even if you arent completley transitioning out of therapy...again, i think my comments apply.. u still need to be GENTLE with yourself as you and your T work through the hard areas, the tough stuff... you still need to give yourself credit for making the phone call and working through this.

((((((((((((((Kacey))))))))))))))))

Were you able to schedule an appointment with T?

I'm sorry you've been in SO much pain. My ruptures with T have led to some of my biggest growth in therapy...hang on. Therapy is hard, hard work.

[SpiritRunner]

((((Kacey)))) thinking of you!

[Kacey2]

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for asking how I am doing. Not too much of an update. I talked to t and he told me to make an appointment to talk to him about it all. He only offered me Friday at 4. I accepted but told him that seemed like a really long time to keep safe. (no threats on my behalf) I think he got it because then today he emailed and said that the 4pm appointment was available. (What happened?!?)

What I think happened is that he didn't give me the appointments last week and this week as a consequence to my behaviors of cancelling. Can't blame him. So anyway I was all psyched up to get through til friday and then all of a sudden, "oh come in at 4 today." Just feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I know this was my doing in the first place.

So I went and we talked about the emails and what transpired and he wanted to know what he was missing. He made comments about how detatched I was. We talked about depression, su, sadness. The time went by sooooo slowly. I wouldn't say that things are repaired. We both apologized. I wouldn't say that things are worse either. I have an appointment next tuesday and I guess I'll go but I have no feeling either way about it.

[Melbadaze]

kacey I don't think saying its all your doing is fair...its a partnership...I wish your T would have dealt a little better with it, but **** happens as we all know...glad you are seeing him again to sort things out...this topiC feels very close to my heart....brings up saddness ....

I'm glad you went, (((((((((kacey))))))))).

Ruptures are hard, but the only way to move through them is to go talk to T.

I hope things keep getting better.