Session: turning disappointment into connection

I just got back from my session and I have to get my feelings out. Something happened today but I'm not sure what. I'm a little shaky. I didn't know what to talk about so I let my T choose. She wanted me to talk more about how I felt when I saw her with another client, or when she mentioned her friend on the phone. It was hard for me to say; I got very scared to talk! She wanted to know the negative feeling about myself, like was it: I'm not special. I said that wasn't exactly it. Maybe more like "I'm not as important as (fill in the blank)."

So she wanted to do EMDR about that thought and the idea of me feeling left out when we used to watch familly movies that only had my brother in them because I wasn't born yet. I used to cry and say "what about me?"

In the course of the EMDR, I felt weird and my mind always switches to something about T and me. I didn't want to tell her, but I did! It was "I feel disappointed/angry/depressed because you didn't get me a birthday present or a card. I hated telling her that but I couldn't stop thinking it so I told her.

Then I said I wanted to stop. I wanted to throw the buzzer things at her and told her. She said she doesn't give any client birthday presents. I was getting more sad and angry. There was 10 minutes left and she asked what could we/she do. I said "I want a birthday card!" She said suddenly "we could do that" and got out paper and markers and said we would make it together!!!!

Tree, it reminds me of you talking about writing on the board with your T. She wrote Happy Birthday on the front and drew a flower and sun. Then she wanted me to write inside what I wanted to say to myself. I was still angry so I wrote I love you and I won't leave you, and drew hearts under it. Then I wrote "I don't want to be___" (my age) with a sad face underneath. She then wrote good things about being that age. On the back she made a heart and wrote "love @ hugs" and her name.

Meanwhile, on another piece of paper I took the purple crayon and scribbled all over it and tore it into pieces. She took it and said she will save the pieces and we will make a collage from them. I said I wanted to finger paint and she said we'd do it next time!

Then it was time to go and we hugged. Oh, WOW! I expressed my anger for the first time. I told her I got the card I wanted. Not exactly, but this was more therapeutic and we were so connected those last 10 minutes. The card was for a young part of me and satisfied me, especially us doing it TOGETHER.

I'm shaky!!! This was mindful and connected and scary! She says my protectors stop me from getting to the hurt/sad/parts when we do EMDR. She asked if I knew what I'm afraid of but I don't know.

She liked my cookies too.

That is just wonderful! I'm so glad you took the risk of telling her how you truly felt, and were able to receive and accept her nurturing as you were making your card together. What a great way for the two of you to connect. Bravo!

Wow! Sounds like you worked really hard today! I think it would awesome to do an art project with my T. Thanks for the idea- I'll ask him soon!

that is too cool i think that is so sweet. i didnt get to do art yesterday but it makes me want to

good work, rainbow!

(((( Rainbow ))))

I am in such awe at how honest and in-touch you are with your feelings. I find it incredible....I'm glad your T was willing to go in the direction that you needed, and I'm glad you got the birthday card....That's something to cherish. (( HUGS ))

((((((((((rainbow)))))))))))))

I love how your session turned out! Making cards with my T was kind of big, and healing. How awesome that you have that to hold on to

That is so cool Rainbow!!

Wow, Rainbow!! What a session!! I love hearing about what goes on in your sessions. I was thinking about how your t wrote "love & hugs." My t has never done that. She gave me a card once and signed it only with her name -- no closing at all. Even though i was glad to get the card, the missing closing took away from some of the happiness. It was just so noticeably absent.

Your t seems to care very much about you and your happiness. She also is open to trying new things and changing course when you need it. She is not stuck to a set plan, which i think is really good for you.

Congratulations for being able to express anger!! It's good that you felt safe enough in the room, and with your t, to do that. I'm excited to hear that you're going to finger paint. I've often thought that if my t and I did something like that, it would help me reach that small part of me that needs healing, rather than hiding her behind my businesslike fascade. I mentioned coloring together once a long time ago, but she didn't seem keen on it.

Anyway, I am just so glad to hear that you had a productive session. Way to go!

Thank you for sharing the

Thanks everyone! I emailed my T twice last night, trying to process the session. I try to tell myself it's NOT about my T, but part of me, probably the child part who was there yesterday, feels incredibly close to her. I let her IN, and now I don't know how to cope with doing that. It stirs up all kinds of feelings, including the physical ones.

I can't let her be that close to me but at the same time I crave it. I intellectually know it's about the past, but I was right there with my T and she saw me. I felt DRIVEN to tell her I wanted a present from her. I felt DRIVEN to have her make the card with me. It was HER idea though I feel like I was in a dream world by then. I felt DRIVEN to scribble all over the paper and tear it up. I don't know how to handle these strong feelings. I keep going over what happened and thinking about how my T acted/reacted. I love her.

Of course you love her, she sounds amazing. I want that t!

lastyearisblank, I wish I could send my T to you. I'm willing to share her, but only with those on PC!!

Peaches, I remember saying "I didn't think you were allowed to use the 'love' word. I know she KNEW I was asking for love. She won't say "I love you" to me though. She said "I love her" at one session when talking to my child part. I'm lucky she does art therapy as I've always been less inhibited when I do something with my hands.

I really need help with this experience though. I'm obsessing about it. It was TOO good, and I can't deal with TOO good. It makes me feel scared to be that close to my T. She was right there, emotionally with me. Like I was exposed. I want that and I don't want it. Sorry I'm repeating myself but can I have suggestions what to do, please? Just sit with the feelings, distract? I don't know what to do!!! I'm going out soon and then baby-sitting for my adorable grandson so that's distracting, but........maybe I have to call my t, but I want to try to get through this on my own.

Thank you! I'll find a good one soon, I'm sure.

I remember with my first real boyfriend (17), I was INFATUATED with him. If we had a good date, I would go home and write in my diary about it and just savor it... everything he said.. every thing we did... the moon, the stars.. (yada yada).. Like for days and days, things would remind me of a good date. What you're describing sounds a lot like that, rainbow.

When I go on a good date with my current boyfriend, I don't feel the same "limerance." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence I still care for him, but it's not the same feeling of discovering BIG FEELINGS for the first time. I know this is not the only person, and the only situation I could feel those feelings in. Somehow that makes it more down to earth and real. Maybe when you get more used to this feeling of being "held" in therapy it will be the same way for you. Maybe it's ok to just sit with those feelings for now?

Thank you, lyib. I read the article. I have never heard of limerence before. Yes, it seems like that's another term for what I always called "addiction" to my Ts. I also had crushes on people from childhood on, that fall into the same category. My Ts always said it was because I didn't get my needs met as an infant/child. I still go from one T to another. Maybe there IS no cure for it but I hope there is.

It seems like when I'm in therapy, my T IS the only person I feel that way with. There isn't anyone else in RL like that. Only Ts. I think it's more a "mother" figure that gets turned into a romantic figure because when we're infants, our mother is like that for us. Her love is bliss, to paraphrase Judith Viorst's Necessary Losses again. Maybe limerence is bliss is Mommy's love. Maybe I need to stop trying to figure it out but my brain won't stop racing about it.

Good work Rainbow!

Sannah, sometimes your short responses make me wonder what you mean. Do you mean "good work" in my session or good work in trying to figure it out, or what? I'm not trying to put you on the spot. I appreciate the reply, but I wish you could be more specific if it's not asking too much. Thank you.

Rainbow, just got the chance to really read your post. It is a powerful post.
You are allowing yourself to become more and more open with each session. This is so important for you. And your T is doing an awesome job with this level of work.
This is amazing work you are doing by allowing your heart to be open and honest.

And yes, that honesty can cause us to panic inside! It is HARD to experience being that open when there is hidden fear. Do you know what it is that is under that panic feeling?

((((((WePow))))))

Thank you for understanding how important my session was to me. It was a powerful post because my session was powerful! I just got my one weekly brief email from my T. Now that I know what to expect from her emails, I'm not disappointed in them anymore.

She wrote that she still likes me very much and no matter what I write that won't change. She says we can talk more about it at my session.

I had told her all of my reactions to the session including how it made me feel about her, and how that makes me feel yukky and ashamed. I feel relieved knowing that I can write and feel icky stuff and she will still like me. I already knew it but I needed the reassurance from her.

I know I'm afraid of being close to my T. The intimacy is too intense and I'm afraid something will happen. I don't know what exactly. Maybe the feelings of what I want or am missing will be too much and I will cling to her and not let go. I'll make a fool of myself because I know the feelings aren't for her but I will get out-of-control. I scared myself when I said I wanted to throw the buzzers at her. I've thrown things at home when I've gotten angry. I don't trust myself, like maybe I will explode!

Great job on expressing your needs to your T Rainbow!

rainbow, I'm so glad you were able to let yourself blurt out what you needed from her. The card sounds lovely

"I don't trust myself, "

Rainbow - I think that THIS statement and insight from yourself is something very deep and worth exploring. What you said here feels like it may be a huge root for you. Reading your post and seeing this made me think of a tree. This insight is like one of those big chunky roots that worm up from the ground a few feet away from the tree. People trip over that root and kick it in frustration. They know it is a part of the tree, but they don't actually give the root the respect it deserves.

That is what "I don't trust myself" is like right now for you.

Can you maybe take a little bit to sit down by this root and explore it?
Can you make a list of reasons why you don't trust yourself?
Maybe then make another list of ways you DO trust yourself.
Because remember that one root does not a tree make ;-)

Rainbow I read the part about throwing the buzzer and it almost sounds like you are afraid of hurting T with the intensity of your feelings. I agree it can be scary feeling that intimacy. When you ask for something and get it, it feels very real. I think there is a difference between feeling a sort of general longing for someone (it is kind of safer in a way just to have those feelings) and realizing, uh oh, you do actually have a relationship and this person is hearing you and now you have to watch what you say!

I am pretty confident though that you will not hurt T nor throw a buzzer at her, and the reason is that she is showing you that you CAN express yourself and she will try to get you. This was a really big session for you and I get how it is scary. I hope you keep posting your progress.

WePow, I have to think about the questions you asked me. Thank you.
lyib, that's it, what you said about it being a REAL relationship. Most of my intimate relationships have been in my mind! T is real, and she hears me and responds to me. That's scary!!! I am kind of worrying about hurting her, though. I think that's what I mean about not trusting myself, at least partly. I think there's all this anger inside of me, and longing too, and I'm afraid I want to let it out in a big way. Scribbling and tearing paper is small. I'm a reserved person, but I'm not really. I want to scream and rant and rave and have tantrums. Sometimes I do that at home but it's not enough. I'm afraid of what will happen in therapy, that I'll embarrass myself and be out-of-control. I'm scared.

Rainbow, what I meant in this post is good job in being open with your therapist. I was really impressed that you told her exactly how you were feeling!

Additionally, I've been thinking about how much progress that you have been making lately! You have really been facing what is going on with you. This is so excellent! Your realizing and working on your issues with fantasy and reality are really good work.