Pulling Away from T

WePow · Mar 19, 2011, 10:20 AM

Does anyone else ever feel too close to T and then feel themselves just pull away emotionally?

How do you work through it when this happens?

SpiritRunner · Mar 19, 2011, 10:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WePow

Does anyone else ever feel too close to T and then feel themselves just pull away emotionally?

How do you work through it when this happens?

It has happened to me, yes.....and the best thing I have to say is, talk to T about it! If you need to before you can see T, journal, write a poem about it, do artwork about it......share that, too.

Perna · Mar 19, 2011, 10:35 AM

Oh, yes! The whole "regulatory" thing so you don't get swallowed up or aren't too far away and feel alone and helpless. Don't know how to work on that one :-)

I guess have to "practice" getting closer and/or further away over and over so it gets more comfortable, just like the trust thing. I did learn to trust my defenses to keep me safe so I could experiment a bit more and in experimenting, found what I thought would be bad wasn't as bad as I thought?

Mar 19, 2011, 10:37 AM

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

T and I had a summer-long rupture caused mainly by my pulling away emotionally. And it absolutely comes up from time to time still...not as often as it did earlier in therapy, but not "never" either.

The reasons can be so complex. Sometimes I think I pull away to avoid being hurt. Sometimes I think I feel shame about my history and everything T knows about me, and I pull away because of that. Sometimes giving and receiving love is too painful and that's why I pull away. Sometimes, the hurt feels TOO big, knowing that no matter how much T loves me, it will never ever change the past, when I was so unloved, and I pull away.

For me, the only way through it is to talk about it with T. It's frustrating, because I *know* that I am doing it, and I *know* that something will change it eventually, but I don't know what will make it change, and not knowing is hard.

I really, truly believe that it's okay to pull away sometimes. Connection is so new and so scary and sometimes we just need to back up, get perspective, feel safe, gather our resources. I have to do that less and less often, but I still have to do it. For me, learning to be connected is learning a whole new way of being. It's just too tiring and scary sometimes.

It helps to remember that T loves me and cares for me, that he is the SAME T he's always been, that his feelings don't change. Knowing that he is so solid and secure makes me feel safer, and feeling safer makes it easier to talk, and talking eventually leads me back to the connected place.

Be gentle with you, wepow. Therapy is hard, hard work.

Sweetlove · Mar 19, 2011, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WePow

Does anyone else ever feel too close to T and then feel themselves just pull away emotionally?

How do you work through it when this happens?

Yes, I started to realize I was getting too close about 3 months ago and it honestly scared the h*** out of me. Any person I've ever been dependent on or loved in a big way has left me. I had this terrifying feeling that my closeness was going to overwhelm him and he was going to leave me. Then, when I started having an issue with insurance, I was afraid I might not be able to do therapy anymore and I started to pull away to protect myself from the imminent loss I was about to experience.

The only way I have worked through it and gotten better...and let me clarify what I mean by "gotten better": I have not stopped trying to pull away or stopped believing I overwhelm him, I am just aware of it and accept it...is by talking about it with him. He knows that is what I'm used to and my greatest fear and pain comes from abandonment. We have to go through it quite a lot, but we work through it and understand each other much better.

Talk to your T Wepow...from what you say on here, he is wonderful and you can trust him with this...he will know what to say and do to help you through these feelings.

ECHOES · Mar 19, 2011, 01:26 PM

Yes and T has noticed it more than I have, but I am learning to. It's hard to talk about for me because it just seems like something that "just is". I suddenly feel nothing, or next to nothing, or unexplained anger, or just hopeless about therapy and wanting to cancel a session or quit.

Omers · Mar 19, 2011, 03:39 PM

Yup
did it this week with massage T then cried for 3 days because I missed her.
I usually call T or massage T when it happens and give them what little information I have about why or what is going on. Right now massage T is really pushing the limits of my experience of trust... but then... she isn't really doing anything out of the ordinary either... so... must all be in my head.
Both my T and massage T appreciate the heads up when I need to pull away for a little while. I think it helps them understand better if I am pulling away that session because of what we are working on or am I pulling away because of the "big picture". When I can tell them I need/want/am pulling away for a little while they usually are a little less intense with me in session (if I go). Both T and massage T have a "it will blow over soon enough" mentality about it... leaving me to be the only one with my unders in a bunch over it.
I pulled away from T for over a year with no sessions a while ago. It was really healing to be able to move away then come back. Now I know that I am not trapped in therapy and no decision has to be final. Object permanence at 30+
All relationships have an ebb and flow to them. Trust yourself, you have good instincts.

Oceanwave · Mar 19, 2011, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WePow

Does anyone else ever feel too close to T and then feel themselves just pull away emotionally?

How do you work through it when this happens?

((((WePow)))))

Why do you feel that you need to pull away? What would happen, do you think, if you just stay close to him - would you be able to just give it a try once?

lastyearisblank · Mar 19, 2011, 03:54 PM

For me there is sometimes a component of... I don't know how to describe it. Almost like I know it's misplaced anger. Like "where were you when I needed you?" I don't know what it means, but I think I know what you're saying. It helps to try to figure out what the feeling is for me (is it anger, actual apathy, just wanting a break, or whatever)

eskielover · Mar 19, 2011, 04:03 PM

I sort of call it growing pains.....honestly, it seems like a normal part of any relationship. There are always things that will come up where we feel more of a distance is needed, then as we work through that & think through it & grow in that situation, we end up shortening the distance.....then that feels so good to have the caring again until we come upon something else that we realize we need distance again.

All relationships have a bit of this that goes on with them.....even marriages, or good friendships where there are times we feel closer than others.....I think it's really just a part of having a good relationship when it doesn't completely break up & it all gets worked out......that is what a growing relationship is all about.

WePow · Mar 19, 2011, 04:35 PM

((((((((((All)))))))))))))

Thanks TONS for the awesome feedback! I am still considering everything you all shared. At least I feel like this is normal now :-)

I'm not sure if I feel any need to pull away from T, it feels like it is something that just happened automatically inside. I hoped that would not happen... not with him. But it did. And there is just something that on the inside of me fears getting close to anyone.

I actually visualize my internal self almost like a temple or castle of sorts with tons of traps and doors. Layers and layers to keep the most inner part of me safe. T was on the inside with me where I have never let anyone. Well, not on the very middle part - no one ever made it that far. But he was closer and saw the real me - almost like he was in the center room but I was still surrounded by a water moat and he could come to me or not. No one ever got to that point.

Then after our rupture a few weeks ago, it was like the doors all slammed shut and he was escorted out to the courtyard area outside the castle / temple ... out to where my friends are and co-workers. Now there is no one inside. And I never had anyone get back inside after they were there and got put outside again.

Sorry if this makes no sense at all... it is just how I literally see my emotional self.

Mar 19, 2011, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WePow

And I never had anyone get back inside after they were there and got put outside again.

.

Not YET. Maybe this time, it can be different.

Oceanwave · Mar 19, 2011, 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by treehouse

Not YET. Maybe this time, it can be different.

I agree with tree; that's the way forward in your healing. Hopefully you will come to a point sometime in the future when you don't have to put them outside in the first place.

Omers · Mar 19, 2011, 07:50 PM

I "see" things with really similar images. sometimes people didn't get back in but the walls and curtains are becoming transparent...gradually.

Mar 20, 2011, 06:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WePow

And I never had anyone get back inside after they were there and got put outside again.

Sorry if this makes no sense at all... it is just how I literally see my emotional self.

It definitely makes sense. It's wonderfully vivid. I hope T gets up, dusts himself off and comes to knock on the door. And I hope that gradually he makes his way back in.

WePow · Mar 20, 2011, 07:54 PM

(((((((((Improving)))))))))) Thank you very much.

This weekend was so strange for me. I didn't cry at all. I just was existing. It was a beautiful weekend, but I didn't enjoy it. I can't explain it. I saw my best friend but didn't care. She told me I really looked exhausted - which was strange for her to say since she didn't even tell me that when I was in my burnout last year.

I see T Monday, but I am not excited about seeing him at all. In fact, this is the first time since seeing him that I don't care if I go or not. No idea what we are going to talk about - since he always asks me. I'm not mad at him... I just no longer care if he cares about me I think. ?? not sure.

Whatever this is, it may be interesting to see what he says. Again, not that I actually care any more though. This is such a strange emotion or lack of emotion.

Thanks for listening to me.

rainbow8 · Mar 20, 2011, 09:30 PM

What you wrote about T being on the inside but now being outside and not letting him again makes perfect sense to me too. I think your not wanting to see him now is a defense against ambivalent feelings about wanting him to be inside with you and being so afraid of that very same thing.

I sort of feel that with my T too. She was very close to me during the session on my birthday when we made the card. I let her in. But now I'm afraid and I don't know if I can stand to do it again. I don't want to pull away from her. I want the opposite. It's hard.

I also feel like pulling away because I don't know what good it does to feel close to her. I don't know if that's part of what you feel or not. I just don't see the purpose. But that's my stuff and probably should start my own thread about it.

You said it's the first time you don't want to see your T. If I recall correctly, it's not the first time and other times you've said the very same thing. I'm sorry if I'm wrong about this but I don't think I am. In any case, I hope you can talk about it with your T and make some sense out of it with him.

sugahorse1 · Mar 21, 2011, 05:17 AM

I pull away when i feel myself getting too close or relying on T too much. And when it hits me that this is not a forever relationship. Thinking about this hurts me so much, that i sometimes think of throwing the towel in altogether, because i cannot bear the thought of losing something

WePow · Mar 21, 2011, 05:26 AM

(((((Rainbow))))) Thank you for reminding me that this is my pattern. You are right. This time it feels different though. Before, I didn't want to see him, but I still did on the inside - as in I hoped he could help me "fix" whatever was broken.

This time, it is very different. I really don't want to go for any reason. There is no secret hope left that thinks he can say just the right thing to make this better for me. Oh well. Just have to see how it goes.

elliemay · Mar 21, 2011, 07:21 AM

I think this situation is very odd, given the connection you have established with your therapist.

The connection with my therapist definitely waxes and wanes, and that is alright. It happens in all relationships I think.

Is it just me or does this feel like it came on all of a sudden?

Have you started any new medication? Some of them can be profoundly numbing.
How are the other relationships in your life? Are they getting stronger, or are there problems there?

All in all, if you feel like you are still on a path of healing, then the best thing you can do is keep showing up. Sometimes therapy can be astonishgly boring when change starts to come in increments, rather than leaps.

This may be the entry into one of those phases.

Although it may seem counterintuitive, but you may need to reduce the frequency of session.

Take care. Good luck today.

WikidPissah · Mar 21, 2011, 07:38 AM

Sometimes you need to step back a bit. You've done extremely hard work in T, for a very long time...maybe take a week or 2 off and use the T $$ for something self soothing and good for you....like a massage, or a mani/pedi...or a live musical, or the opera, or ballet or a good movie...or, or, or....

Kacey2 · Mar 21, 2011, 02:10 PM

Boy can I relate to this WePow. Your statement about how this time feels different than in the past is something that resonated as well. For me I feel that way but am too ambivilant to just quit. I have talked endlessly about this to my t and advice from him and other people on pc (poss you?) was to just keep going. Just keep showing up until you know one way or another. You don't have to make a decisison right now with such a sudden shift in feelings, you just have to tolerate them.

And Lord knows you may have to tolerate for a loooong time. It has been at least a year for me now. I keep telling t that I am going to have a white picket permanently implanted in my arse from sitting on it for so long.

Just tolerate the ambivilance. Just tolerate the apathy. Tolerate it until you have a clear understanding of what it is. Tolerate until you are able to make a "wise mind" decision. I know you can WePow.

WePow · Mar 21, 2011, 07:13 PM

((((All))))

Well, went to session. Was honest about the lack of emotions. But when I left, I was further away than before. I wanted to come home and write an email to cancel next Monday... to not go back at all. But instead, I wrote and asked if he had another session time free this week. What in the HECK am I thinking?