Today's session

wow zoo, you have been so strong and inspiring throughout all of this!! There is only so much anyone can stand and I think you have given your T amble chances to put things right but she keeps changing the rules and sends so many mixed messages that it's impossible to keep up with her and you shouldn't have to as a client.
I cannot believe she rang and left another voicemail saying the same stuff just to rub salt in the wounds when you already were upset enough to decide to end therapy.

It took a lot of guts to leave the message you did. It was very respectful and also straight forward about why you wanted to end. I can undersand how in some way it probably feels like a relief to not have to wait for her to upset you again but also very sad too. Your T really let you down and its ok to be sad, angry and to also change your mind if you want. Take one day at a time. I do think you need at least a break from this T but ending and finding someone else would also probably be a positive move also.

Therapy is meant to be a support to help you in your life but it doesn't seem like this has been the case for a long time with your therapist, therapy shouldn't have to be so hard and it shouldn't be about reacting to Ts ever changing emotions.

I am just so sorry things couldn't be repaired after the rupture but it was not from a lack of trying

A-farking-men to that ^

thanks, you guys. Today has been hard, but not overwhelmingly so. There have been moments of joy, too. I had this moment earlier where I realized that every day it's going to hurt less, every day I will be more used to my new normal of not having T, and in that moment I just smiled and felt warmth sort of flow over me. Because where I am right now isn't intolerable. It doesn't hurt so much that it makes me wish I could die. It doesn't make me want to pick up the phone and beg T to help me. And if each day after this will be easier, well. That is something to be joyful about.

My T is really good at parts of her job and she has helped me enormously over the 2.5 years that I saw her. And she also caused me a lot of pain. I don't think I have ever in my life been strong enough to walk away from someone who was causing me pain before. It's about time.

I'm going to start a new thread about my options now as far as finding a new T, because I very much feel that I need to be in therapy and I look forward to finding a new T.

*bows to zoo*

You are MUCH stronger than you think you are

Hi Zoo, good work getting through your procedure. You posted what you texted after her text but what did you text her before her text that she is referring to down there? Below, it sounds like what she is referring to is your calls for reassurance?

...."I am, feeling like you're pushing me You're starting to call me more often and tell me things that upset you about things I did or didn't do. Yeah, when you called and said that you were upset that I didn't ask, ....

...please, i, I need you to stop calling from the reassurance. If you want emotional support, call your friends and get emotional support from them."...

you know, Sannah, that's the thing. It was one text, and one phone call. I have thought a lot about this today, because even in the message today she referred to my phone calls and texts looking for reassurance. And that's just not the case. It was the one text, followed up by the one phone call.
I'm really glad I use google voice because it saves every text and phone call, so I can go back and check to make sure I'm not crazy.

So you don't want to share that one text and one phone call?

(((( zoo ))))

I am amazed at how you're handling this. You have made SO much progress throughout this turmoil. If I was in your position, I think it would've taken every ounce of energy to tell T - EFF YOU!!!!

I know that your T has helped you a lot - which is great. I do hope, though, that you find a T that is better suitable to meet the needs that you now have.....

(((( HUGS ))))

Sannah - I'm curious to know your reason for asking?

sorry, Sannah, didn't realize that's what you were asking. I texted her after we talked, when she was abrupt and cold, and that text said "did I call you too much, too many times?" and then I called her a while (like a half hour?) later and left a message saying essentially "hi, it hurt my feelings that you didn't ask how the procedure went, and I know you're not going to want to talk about this but I'm tired of constantly messing up, constantly putting my foot in it again and again. I'm done"

Because many, many times a person interprets what is said through a lens that is colored with the past. You know all the things that affect us - projection, transference, getting triggered, etc. - and people do respond to what we tell them. Hearing both sides and the whole story is just more objective.

Maybe she didn't understand that you interpreted her as cold and abrupt so she didn't understand why you asked this question? Maybe she was busy and distracted and couldn't give you her full attention at that moment and this is why she responded this way? DBT seems to be a very demanding program. Maybe she isn't a softie and can be abrupt when stressed?

Maybe she interpreted this as dramatic?

Can you share her abrupt conversation?

looking at it that way, Sannah, I imagine it's possible my T was kind of taken aback and surprised when I left the message saying basically, I'm out. I have no doubt that her perception of what went on is vastly different from my own. If I was in a different place in therapy and in life I would go back to see her and try to reconcile the two, but I'm not. I'm here and right here and now I don't need a T who is a jousting partner.

Walking away can be seen as a good and healthy thing to do for yourself, but it can also be a very typical borderline reaction too. Are you sure that you are not reacting to your T setting limits that you do not like? How will you feel when your next therapist sets limits that you do not like? And are you sure that what you see as inconsistency isn't just you judging her behavior as either good or bad based on how you feel about it? That could look like she is inconsistent when she doesn't always give you what you want or expect.

Your being able to come out of this jousting position will change your life. You will learn how to get out of this position by working through this with your therapist. Learning how you fit in the world and interact with others is info more precious then gold.

I know you are right. But...god. It hurts. It HURTS. And also, there has to be some point where I stand up for me. There has to be some point where enough is enough. I think T telling me to not come to her for emotional support is that point for me. I think I found out that I do in fact have a limit, despite all my abandonment issues, despite the fact that I will hold onto people far longer than what is healthy for me, despite my fear of change. Even in light of all of that, I DO have a limit.

But maybe she said that because she thought you were coming from left field and she didn't understand what you were reacting to?

"I'm tired of constantly messing up, constantly putting my foot in it again and again" - Maybe this was what she was referring to when she said don't come to her for emotional support? This was the reassurance that she was talking about? She didn't know that you were upset because of her tone and then you start talking about messing up and she didn't know what you were talking about?

Working through this with your T is standing up for you. It is getting you closer to health. You understanding how things go wrong would be so valuable for you to learn.

((((Zooropa))))

It's not my intention to make you second guess your decision. Not at all.
So I hope you don't feel that way.

I think really digging into everything that may be underlying this situation would be helpful for you going forward, especially for when/if you go see a new therapist.

What you said here jumped out to me, and makes me thing your reaction to all of this isn't just about your T:
You just went through a difficult and stressful medical procedure. Maybe you felt powerless and it was obviously triggering for you. Maybe your reaction to this situation with T is a way to deflect some of the emotions that surrounds all of that? Or maybe a way to feel you have some power over some of the hurt in your life?

I once 'quit' therapy after I felt very hurt and misundertood by T. I ended up going back a month later. And part of the reasoning behind why I went back was thinking how would it be different with another T? Or better?

EVERY T has the potential for hurting, misunderstanding, messing up, setting boundaries, etc. etc.

I hear you when you say how much it hurts.

I know it's hard to accept limits when we want more than our T is willing to give us but it's almost impossible to accept limits when they keep changing or when they're confusing and subjective. When your T asked YOU if she could hug you the other day and told you to call her and let her know how it went, that comes across as inviting you to lean on her during this time for emotional support. If she didn't want you to do that, it was her responsibility to be clear about that instead of behaving in a manner that would encourage you to believe she was there for you. You weren't the one who asked for a hug; she did. You weren't the one who asked if you could call her; she invited you to do that. And then the next day she told you not to call her for emotional support. How were you supposed to know that when she extended herself to you in a way that would suggest she was making herself available for support, at least through this triggering procedure?
My T does make a distinction between emotional support for treatment issues directly related to therapy, and general emotional support for life problems, although he recognizes that sometimes they overlap. A triggering medical procedure would be one of those overlapping situations where he would be more available for support than he would be if I had "normal" anxiety about an upcoming procedure. He would expect me to get support from friends for "normal" anxiety but he would understand that my friends may not know how to be supportive in a very triggering situation. In general, though, he discourages me from relying on him for emotional support for life problems because he doesn't want me to become unnecessarily dependent on him and he wants me to develop real life relationships that are fulfilling. So I can understand if that's what your T wants you to do, but a triggering procedure is definitely in that grey area and the bottom line is that she behaved in a way that would lead you to believe that she was available. If she did not want to be available, she should not have told you to call her. She should have told you she wants to hear about it at your next session instead.
I know it's easy for any of us to overreact under the kind of stress you've been experiencing but I really think her mixed messages are contributing greatly to your confusion and distress. It's her job to moderate that by remaining calm herself and by only offering exactly what she is willing to provide, not reacting emotionally in the moment and then accusing you of not following the rules.

I think you're right Zoo. I've had some ruptures with my T and we've been able to work through them but if we had not been able to and I continued to feel unsupported, I would have definitely thought of switching T's.

Sure, I understand the importance and necessity of working through our issues with our T's but sometimes that T may not be the right person to do this work with. Not every client and T is a good fit. You have tried and tried and it seems like you have given it your best. I agree that we each have our limits.