[SpiritRunner]

I am sorry to be such a drag........but it seems like there is no end to this pain. I am wondering if I should just stop seeing T because I am so far down that I feel like I am not responding well to therapy anymore......
My head is literally buzzing with anxiety and aches horribly; my throat feels tight. My chest hurts. I can't function at all. I feel like a horrible person and an even worse mother because I can hardly take care of my kids and can't fathom how I will do in the days and years ahead......I don't see how my current reality of thought/emotion is changing or will change. It has me seriously thinking, and maybe my thinking is totally screwed right how, but I am thinking it would be better for my kids if I gave them up to someone who can function better and will take care of them better!
This pain simply is not ending. I know, my T gave me the assignment to separate emotion from fact......but the thing is, this pain is fact right now to me. A fact that seems like it will always be. I wish something would take it away, change it, numb it, because I am miserable......
I don't know what to do, I want this pain to end now. Help!

Yes, your thinking is totally screwed right now. You are thinking with your emotions instead of with your head, just like your t is trying to get you to work on. Are you staying in close contact with your pdoc? You still sound like you aren't stable medically. If meds aren't kicking in yet, you really need to let your pdoc know.

This is NOT the time to be stopping therapy. You need that professional support right now. You aren't responding well to therapy because you are so unstable medically. Until your meds really kick in, you will have a hard time making any progress in therapy, but the therapy is really important as a way of staying in regular contact with a professional who can monitor the situation.

It sounds like right now you need to get on the phone with your therapist and your pdoc. They need to know what is going on with you right now and you need their professional support. Sorry you are in such a bad place. I've been there and have recently been dealing with my husband who is in a similar place. It WILL pass, but you have to keep fighting and have to use the professionals that are at your disposal to help you.

[lastyearisblank]

Is everything ok in T? I get like this too but only under LOTS and LOTS of pressure and no support. It's too bad that when we suffer most is when we need the most patience and care and that's usually when things actually tend to be crappiest in terms of support.

Be kind to yourself pg!!

Also, a really bad person wouldn't even care if they were bad.

[SpiritRunner]

You are right, I am not stable or thinking clearly, but my entire life is unstable right now, financially and otherwise. The financial situation has little hope of improvement really.....
There's no way I can explain this all coherently, but some things in my situation physically are simply reality and won't be changing! And since I know they won't change, I have to face that and it is creating some of this terrible emotion......there is some fact here that can't be denied. It is the facts of my situation that are in a great sense responsible for the thoughts/emotions I have.....and if those facts can't change, how can I change the other......I can't change reality.

[SpiritRunner]

I have an app't with T at 1 and an app't with CPS at 2:30.....they were already checking up on me. Maybe when I tell them how bad I am, they will want to take the kids for the kids' safety........or am I just looking for some kind of an out on my responsibilities because I can't function and handle them right now.....see, I AM horrible and doomed......

[nannypat]

You need more help hun, and your kids need YOU. Even if you are not at your best right this moment, you are the one they need to be there mom. They will never be better off with someone else being their mom. They will be better of with their own mom who reaches out right now for the help she needs if only because she love her children so much. I know this because I mad the mistake of listen to the thoughts you are hearing and let someone else take over mine and raise them. I was wrong. It was the depression talking. They are adults now and I have worked hard to get back into their lives and things are good, but I missed so much and I will never forgive myself for what I did. Get the help you need for yourself. Get some help in helping you take care of them, but never give them up. You need them as much as they need you. I found out the hard way. I write this with so much love and caring in my heart because i have been where you are. This is a time of making a great committment to live and get better if not for you then for your children whom you love so deeply. There is time later to decide to live for you. Please reach out for help. With love and hugs.

[rainbow8]

poetgirl, I feel so bad because you feel so bad. I agree with farmergirl. Something isn't right with your meds. You never sounded like this in the past. You liked your t and never thought of quitting. I know that reality is hard, and facts are facts, but I think your state of mind is affecting your ability to deal with anything right now. From "knowing" you for months on PC before you felt like this, it seems to me it is NOT your normal behavior or feelings.

Please don't make decisions about your children that you may regret when you are more stable. I hope that your T appointment today will help. What does pdoc say? Did you ever change to a different one?

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you feel better again.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( poetgirl ))))

I am so so so sorry that you're in such a bad place. I can relate to having that hopeless feeling - and thinking about how it will never get better. It's hard to believe that it will, when you're feeling this way. Can you try to put away those thoughts and just think about what you can do in this very moment to occupy yourself in a safe, caring way? Please, please reach out to the professionals that are here to help you during such a time. It's important for you and your children.

(((( safe hugs ))))

[SpiritRunner]

thank you for the responses......
I wish there could be a magic wand too, but there won't be. There is no rescue for me. It has to come from me if there is, and there isn't any in me. I am giving up on that, I think. I think I will tell the CPS lady I cannot do it, at least right now......I will tell T what I am thinking and see what she says. But will keep in mind it does not matter what she says, she can't fix this for me, or fix me. I am broken and broken but completely and totally and forever......

Why is CPS involved?

[karebear1]

(((((((((PG)))))))))) I wsh there was something I could do for you. If there was one thing you could address- just one thing, what would it be?

Please let us know how you're doing. I'm worried for you.

[nannypat]

Poetgirl Are you there? How did the appointments go? Talk to us. Are you ok?

[WePow]

(((PG)))) thinking of you and hope you are ok. I understand feeling broken. But we can be healed. There has to be a way.

[scorpiosis37]

I have an app't with T at 1 and an app't with CPS at 2:30.....they were already checking up on me. Maybe when I tell them how bad I am, they will want to take the kids for the kids' safety........or am I just looking for some kind of an out on my responsibilities because I can't function and handle them right now.....see, I AM horrible and doomed......

(((((((((poetgirl))))))

You are definitely not horrible or doomed! Please know that as difficult as things are right now, your situation is not hopeless. As farmgirl and others have suggested, you simply need to get your meds adjusted correctly and take advantage of all of the professional support available to you right now. I'm so sorry that you are having a difficult time right now, but believe you have the strength to pull through this and that there WILL be good times ahead.

However, in contrast to other posters, I don't think that making the choice to TEMPORARILY have your children cared for by someone else (a family member, friend, CPS, or whoever YOU choose) for a short while while you focus on your own recovery, get your meds stabilized, and return to feeling better emotionally is necessarily a bad choice to make-- IF that is the choice you WANT to make, after discussing it over with T and the other people who provide you IRL support. I'm also by no means suggesting you SHOULD make that choice-- just saying that is not a "bad" option to consider, along with other options. It's possible that taking a little bit of time to focus on your own well-being could be the best thing you can do FOR your kids, so that after a short while, you can return to being the involved, dedicated, present, giving and positive parent you so clearly are. From everything you have ever posted, you sound like a GOOD and LOVING mother who wants nothing more than what is best for her children. And, of course, your children do love and need YOU. But I think they need the best version of you that you can be and, if YOU THINK you need to take a little bit of time to focus on getting better physically and emotionally-- so that you can then be there for yourself and your kids-- I don't think you should feel "bad" about exploring that option with your family, your T, etc. And, after consideration, that may be totally the wrong option for you-- I don't know-- I just want you to know that, as a child whose mother has struggled with her mental and emotional well-being, I would never have faulted her if she took time to herself to focus on recovery in order to be a better parent afterwards.

Speaking solely about MY OWN situation, I would say that there were times when I think it may have been preferable if my mom had taken my sister and I to our grandparents' house, or arranged for us to stay with someone else, while she got the help she needed from her T, Pdoc, etc because it was sometimes difficult when she went through periods where her meds were not stabilized, she was feeling extremely depressed, and her behavior was confusing to us. It in no way affected the way we felt about our mother-- we simply wanted her to do whatever it took to be well, because her being well was in the best interests of our whole family.

[nannypat]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

(((((((((poetgirl))))))

You are definitely not horrible or doomed! Please know that as difficult as things are right now, your situation is not hopeless. As farmgirl and others have suggested, you simply need to get your meds adjusted correctly and take advantage of all of the professional support available to you right now. I'm so sorry that you are having a difficult time right now, but believe you have the strength to pull through this and that there WILL be good times ahead.

However, in contrast to other posters, I don't think that making the choice to TEMPORARILY have your children cared for by someone else (a family member, friend, CPS, or whoever YOU choose) for a short while while you focus on your own recovery, get your meds stabilized, and return to feeling better emotionally is necessarily a bad choice to make-- IF that is the choice you WANT to make, after discussing it over with T and the other people who provide you IRL support. I'm also by no means suggesting you SHOULD make that choice-- just saying that is not a "bad" option to consider, along with other options. It's possible that taking a little bit of time to focus on your own well-being could be the best thing you can do FOR your kids, so that after a short while, you can return to being the involved, dedicated, present, giving and positive parent you so clearly are. From everything you have ever posted, you sound like a GOOD and LOVING mother who wants nothing more than what is best for her children. And, of course, your children do love and need YOU. But I think they need the best version of you that you can be and, if YOU THINK you need to take a little bit of time to focus on getting better physically and emotionally-- so that you can then be there for yourself and your kids-- I don't think you should feel "bad" about exploring that option with your family, your T, etc. And, after consideration, that may be totally the wrong option for you-- I don't know-- I just want you to know that, as a child whose mother has struggled with her mental and emotional well-being, I would never have faulted her if she took time to herself to focus on recovery in order to be a better parent afterwards.

Speaking solely about MY OWN situation, I would say that there were times when I think it may have been preferable if my mom had taken my sister and I to our grandparents' house, or arranged for us to stay with someone else, while she got the help she needed from her T, Pdoc, etc because it was sometimes difficult when she went through periods where her meds were not stabilized, she was feeling extremely depressed, and her behavior was confusing to us. It in no way affected the way we felt about our mother-- we simply wanted her to do whatever it took to be well, because her being well was in the best interests of our whole family.

I totally agree with you about this and is what I meant when I said to reach out for help to someone for help to care for her children. I was in the frame of mind that i was making the "forever decision" because that was where my mind was and , well it is a long story. I didn't have anyone who would help me. What you put forth is, of course the best option if that is available so she can get some treatment and rest and get stabilized. Thank you for pointing that out. I guess I still forget that some people have those options and I am sorry I was being so short sighted.

Poet? Come back when you are ready. I'm thinking of you.. please let us know how everything is when you are ready.

[SpiritRunner]

CPS was involved because I made a comment in hospital earlier that I thought life would be easier with fewer kids, so they thot I had homicidal ideations. Which I didn't. Just wishing I hadn't chosen to have 4 kids, wishing I had only 2 or whatever instead. Only wishing. No thots of taking their lives.....
But CPS had to check it out.
Well, I got the idea maybe they would just take the kids and then I wouldn't have to worry about the stress of raising them when I am not capable and when finances are so bad. Only they aren't going to take them because there is a safety plan in place right now where the babysitter is here and my H wants the kids.....so they can't take them no matter how unable and dysfunctional I currently am. Part of me was thinking it would be best to give them up.....because even though I understand what you all say about the meds and so on, there is a part of this that I think is the reality of who I am, how I am/will be, something about the way I am that cannot be changed, as well as the reality of the finances being in poor shape and my H being so much older and that the financial future looks bleak.....there are some facts here that all the right meds in the world won't change, and all the positive thinking, and all the therapy, won't change. I know I can't seem to explain this to anyone at all very well, and everyone talks about hope.....the CPS lady seemed to understand better than anyone else has how I feel about the reality of my situation and that I have no illusions, no illusion of hope, there isn't enough hope anywhere in this world that can fix some of what my reality is.
Situation is complicated. My mental/emotional state is off kilter yes, and probably would be no matter what the natural situation of my life, no matter how prosperous we were or if my H were a younger man, etc.......but my state of mind is so intertwined with the facts of my life situation that I don't see where there can be peace of mind at all because I can not deny or change some of the basic facts about my reality.
Reality also is that as it stands right now, I don't feel like the children should be with me at all. I don't feel it's right or safe for them. I told the CPS lady this, but again, there is nothing she can do. She can't recommend to the court that they take the children because they are technically safe and their lives aren't in danger......and yet I am unable to provide for them in any real sense as I did before. I fear that I will ever be able to do so again. The babysitter can't stay here forever and then what?

[lastyearisblank]

Pg!!! On a scale of 1 to 10 you sound like -10000000 right now. This is definitely depression, seriously depression. You can't give up as there are a lot of things you haven't even tried yet. You just can't. What about different medications? What about ECT? What about couples counselling? What about working part time and getting a live in nanny? There are so many different ways you can make reality accomodate you, it doesn't always have to be the other way around. I wish I could help you feel more hopeful and I hope that you can hear what others here are saying too. It sounds like you are in such an awful ordeal but don't abandon yourself and your hopes and dreams!!!!!!

[PreacherHeckler]

PG you can be a good mom without much money, even if you had to do it as a single parent. If all you're focusing on is what you CAN'T give them, then you won't see what you CAN give them. I have 4 kids too, and we have lived below the poverty level since their father and I separated 12 years ago when my youngest was 4 and my oldest was not quite 14. Because he refused to pay child support at times, we were homeless twice, once for almost an entire year. But there was help and support from their schools, and our community, and as my kids grew they turned their disadvantages into strengths. Twelve years later, my oldest daughter is now a social worker who uses her own experiences to teach people how to be resourceful and how to advocate for themselves. My sons, both now young adults, often tell me that they had opportunities their more affluent friends never had. While I felt like a terrible mom because I couldn't afford all the camps and programs their friends attended, my sons now tell me they have the greatest memories of doing things with their friends like building forts and designing racetracks for their bikes in the woods, because they did those things on their own, using their imaginations and whatever resources they could find. Their more affluent friends often tell them they wish they could have had those opportunities instead of every activity being designed and supervised by adults. All 4 of them are hard-working, responsible kids who can hold down jobs without the sense of entitlement some of their friends grew up with because their friends got pretty much whatever they wanted.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't give up. Don't put so much emphasis on what MIGHT happen or even on what IS happening right now financially. You can give your kids much more than you think you can give them even though it may not be apparent to you right now. It wasn't apparent to me either until my kids grew up and told me that the most important thing was that I was there for them all along and I never gave up.

[SpiritRunner]

Preacher, thank you. That's very helpful to hear. Could you possibly tell me more, like in a PM, about your situation and how you managed it?
I didn't grow up with much either, so I have sort of fallen into the material trap in a sense, wanting to provide more for my kids than I had. And yet, I didn't necessarily think I lacked naturally as a kid, although I wished I could have more like my classmates did. However, I see now that no matter how hard things were for my parents, we did at least have the basics met - once my dad was out of work for 2 years and somehow my parents kept us fed and clothed. Yet, the thing is, I don't understand how they did it......nor do I understand how I could do it, nor do I feel that I am capable of living such a sacrificing life......part of my issue is that I don't want it to be so darn hard to do, because I don't feel capable of it. And right now, the truth is I am not......and if I don't get out of this black canyon soon, I may be so far down, I make it impossible for myself to ever be capable again.....

[SpiritRunner]

BTW, the reason I am silent sometimes throughout the day is that my H has turned off my internet certain hours of the day.....I am not quiet because something bad has happened!

[SpiritRunner]

I am sorry to be unable to post on anyone else's threads right now, I wish I could be more hopeful and offer support like I did before, but think I just need to go away and quit being a drag on everyone, in RL and here.......does anyone care/mind if I never come back?

[PreacherHeckler]

Of course we care, PG. Most of us go through periods where it's difficult to find the energy or the strength to post on other people's threads.
I will send you a PM later today.

[rainbow_rose]

keep coming back, poetgirl. please do not go away.

(((((((((PG))))))))))

PC is a place to give AND RECEIVE support. Please stay