Was I just born with too much NEED? I feel like I NEED too much and I always have. I know that no one really gets ALL their needs filled from babyhood, but lots of people don't turn out so messed up like me.

I feel hopeless. I think I can never get this hole inside me filled. No one can ever love me, let alone like me. I just want out somehow. I can't, CANNOT live with myself. It's too painful.

I don't want to go to therapy anymore. Maybe I'm done with it? How do you know when you're "unhelpable?"

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

No one can ever love me, let alone like me.

I know, I asked my T a couple of years ago, If your own mother, the ONE person in the world whose job it is to like you, whose ONLY job is to like you, does NOT like you, what hope do you have???!!! He goes, -I- like you...

(It was like that scene in Bye Bye Birdie, where Paul Lynde's son says, "I respect you, Pa," and Pa says, "I don't want your respect!")

It just takes a while to replace that cold unloving voice from the past in your head, with the warmth, love and happiness a T and PC can put in your heart. The more you give here, the more you will get back.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

Was I just born with too much NEED? I feel like I NEED too much and I always have. I know that no one really gets ALL their needs filled from babyhood, but lots of people don't turn out so messed up like me. I feel hopeless. I think I can never get this hole inside me filled. No one can ever love me, let alone like me. I just want out somehow. I can't, CANNOT live with myself. It's too painful. I don't want to go to therapy anymore. Maybe I'm done with it? How do you know when you're "unhelpable?"

There's no way to know when you're "unhelpable." If your T tells you you're "unhelpable" all that means is that s/he is unable to help you. And that it's entirely possible that another T WOULD be able to help you. The problem is to find that T. Which means you need to set a time limit with any particular T within which you have to make some progress that's obvious to YOU or it's time to move on. And then move on. And keep moving on until you find a T with whom you click to the extent of making real progress.

I know your situation. Believe me. But you CAN make yourself live with yourself until your quest is successful. Read some books about attachment theory. Keep trying to find the right T. When you do, life really will be worth living. And that will make up for ALL the horrible misery in your past. It's worth waiting for. Really. Take care.

[Mediator]

Hi
once I ask psychologist that I do not know if I should look for a mother for me. That I am missing something from my childhood. He was upset do you think that somebody who has 70 will look after you. I think he was not professional. I have to learn to live with it,
Try as well.

[geez]

(((roseleigh))) I second what Hankster said. For me it has been a slow process and 3 1/2years of therapy. There is still a hole in my heart but it's surrounded by so much love it kind of compensates. I have hope when before there was none.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Mediator

Hi once I ask psychologist that I do not know if I should look for a mother for me. That I am missing something from my childhood. He was upset do you think that somebody who has 70 will look after you. I think he was not professional. I have to learn to live with it, Try as well.

Hi, Mediator,

He was definitely not professional. The real professionals, the ones who stay up-to-date with all important developments in their field, know what's been going on over the past twenty years. There is new, factual, scientific knowledge and new techniques based on that knowledge that may well help people in our position (I'm like you). There are millions of us still looking for the mother we didn't have, the person who will give us those magical gifts of self-love and confidence, or at the least give us a respite from all the blackness that covers our minds and lives.

The professionals do have new techniques to try out, if they keep up with what's been going on. Can they help us? Remains to be seen, I think. The best I've been able to come up with on my own is simply that helping other people in pain seems somehow to reduce my own pain. That's a band-aid on a cancer but it's the best I've been able to do. Take care.

Call me a hopeless optimist who believes in the power of people to heal, but I don't think that anyone is unhelpable. Dr. Andrew Weil says that every cell in our body is designed to heal itself, without any conscious help from us. I think that the same is true for our hearts and spirits. They are designed to heal, that is the nature of what they WANT to do.

Keep posting. Say some more about what you feel like, if you feel like it.

Anne

[SadNJNY]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

I feel hopeless. I think I can never get this hole inside me filled.
No one can ever love me, let alone like me. I just want out
somehow. I can't, CANNOT live with myself. It's too painful.

I don't want to go to therapy anymore. Maybe I'm done with it?
How do you know when you're "unhelpable?"

I know your feelings all too well because I'm experiencing exactly the same thing right now. Yes, it's very painful to live with yourself in times like these. But when I was in weekly therapy it was ALOT less painful. For a long while in therapy, I was growing and feeling better. I did learn a lot. My recurrent issues reared their ugly head again when I could no longer afford therapy. Thus, I know I need reinforcement all over again because right now whatever I did learn is completely lost on me. I just can't get myself to reach back for my old tools - or perhaps I need some new ones now.

As for your emptiness, my old T used to always tell me that "nature abhors a vacuum", meaning that as we let go of the bad feelings inside, good ones begin to fill that void, that emptiness. That simple concept is very valid and very possible because I can tell you it worked for me for a good long time.

As for not wanting to go to therapy, have you thought about switching therapists? A friend of mine went through 4 different "traditional" Ts before he found a very non-traditional therapist who helped him tremendously. That may or may not work for you. But sometimes it takes some trial and error to find the right help, so I'd suggest NOT giving up on therapy just yet.

Hang in there. I wish you all the best.

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

Was I just born with too much NEED? I feel like I NEED too much and I always have. I know that no one really gets ALL their needs filled from babyhood, but lots of people don't turn out so messed up like me.

I feel hopeless. I think I can never get this hole inside me filled. No one can ever love me, let alone like me. I just want out somehow. I can't, CANNOT live with myself. It's too painful.

I don't want to go to therapy anymore. Maybe I'm done with it? How do you know when you're "unhelpable?"

((((((((roseleigh)))))))

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and hopeless I know you're not "unhelpable", because I really believe that we can ALL heal. Every single one of us.

Your status update says you are "trying hard to be okay". What if you ARE okay, just how you are? What if where you are this second is where you are supposed to be this second? I have a piece of paper hanging on my mirror that says "I am okay just how I am", and I try to believe that in the moment, I AM. That doesn't mean that I am perfect, that I don't have things I need/want to change, that I haven't made mistakes, that I don't have healing to do. It means in this moment, I am okay how I am, right now, this breath. You are too.

I SO know the empty feeling you are talking about. I distinctly remember the first time I felt it, early in therapy, and it HURT. I wonder if everyone has that, and we are just more aware of it than other people? If that's true, then maybe that means that we will reach out more, try to connect more, work on loving an being loved more than the people who aren't aware of it, because we need to fill it up.

I don't want to be all pollyannish and make it sound like "yay, pain is good!" because I *know* really really well how badly it hurts. But there is always hope. THAT is something I really really believe.

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

Was I just born with too much NEED? I feel like I NEED too much and I always have. I know that no one really gets ALL their needs filled from babyhood, but lots of people don't turn out so messed up like me.

I feel hopeless. I think I can never get this hole inside me filled. No one can ever love me, let alone like me. I just want out somehow. I can't, CANNOT live with myself. It's too painful.

I don't want to go to therapy anymore. Maybe I'm done with it? How do you know when you're "unhelpable?"

I remember asking my T what it is I need to fill that hole inside up? she gently replied, "thats what we are working at to find out".

Of course there really isn't a "hole" just a feeling of emptiness. This is about very young feelings where an outside container - "a good enought mother" didn't have the abilty to help us understand our feelings, which in turn helps us become who we are, so we are left unsure of who we are, just a bucket full of other peoples projections. This isn't something that cannot be healed, just takes a lot of time on our part learning to throw out what isn't us and fill up with what is us.

Imagine walking around only thinking of what other people seem to think we are? that would be an awfully lonely place to be - feel like a big hole.

Therapy is the avenue I choose to be heard by myself and by a witness, thats how I found the way through that hole.

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

Was I just born with too much NEED? I feel like I NEED too much and I always have. I know that no one really gets ALL their needs filled from babyhood, but lots of people don't turn out so messed up like me.

I feel hopeless. I think I can never get this hole inside me filled. No one can ever love me, let alone like me. I just want out somehow. I can't, CANNOT live with myself. It's too painful.

I don't want to go to therapy anymore. Maybe I'm done with it? How do you know when you're "unhelpable?"

Oh Roseleigh, I identify with this so much. At the moment I'm just trying to be positive, and hoping that I can make some more progress with my T when she comes back from vacation. If you don't feel you're getting anything out of therapy, I would suggest trying another therapist - you never know, you might just click with them - they could have a different approach that has you seeing things from a different perspective... maybe you will have a better connection?

I know it's hard, but please don't give up - it's always worth trying something else. I know it sometimes seems to us like we're a 'lost cause', but I don't truly believe any of us are 'unhelpable'... keep hope xx

Big hugs

Thanks everyone for your support and most of all your kindness. I want support so badly, but when I post I feel guilty and want to run away because I don't feel I deserve support. So I hide for awhile.

I just am so sad. I wanted to be so much more and so much better than I am and ever can be. I want to totally quit therapy and be done with it. Maybe this is as good as it gets.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

I just am so sad. I wanted to be so much more and so much better than I am and ever can be... Maybe this is as good as it gets. [/quote]

I've said almost the same words a thousand times but then I keep waking up each morning and hoping to God that today is the day it gets better. I hope the same for you . May today be the day your sadness eases and you can let some of the love that is arounds you settle into your cells and ease the pain.

Bub

[Wysteria]

Hi Roseleigh,

I've thought and thought about your post...
I've been told that we are all worthy and all deserve happiness.
I didn't actually believe that.
I think I do now.
I do believe that the hole and the darkness within me came about because of my lack of connection to myself, to others, and to spirituality.

I think that to fill the hole will take light and connection, for I do believe that we are all truly hard-wired for connections to others and that we cannot heal ourselves. I believe in pouring light in and try to search everyday for more answers and inspiration and lessons. I believe in airing out the bad stuff with my T and shining the light of exposure on it with someone that I can truly trust and respect and that I feel safe with. He has been very hard for me to find and to let close enough to help me.
I do believe that it will take all three kinds of connections to finally make true progress, and that takes a lot of time and work and patience on my part that I don't always have...and a lot of courage..which fails me sometimes.

But I still believe that I am worth the effort...and now I believe that I deserve some measure of happiness just like every one else. And no, I don't want to settle for half way or half-miserable any more.

Do I get discouraged..absolutely. Do I get so blue I just want to die...abso-f-ing-lutely.

But seemingly my T's faith in me sometimes is enough when mine isn't...and that's probably why I'm still alive, and why I get honest with him. I need his help and if you don't have a T that you feel can pull you when you can't push any more..then maybe they are right and you need to find one that you can make a connection with that is strong enough to hang on to when it gets this bad..

Maybe I'm not making any sense at all...but connections and the lights of exposure and wisdom can kill darkness and fill holes in my mind. At least tha't what I think in my simple ways.

I believe that everyone can be helped and you are not un-helpable or unloveable..you are special and unique and wise...and sensitive and hurting. Fight hard enough to find the right help for you and then open up and let the light in..even if it hurts. You are worth it.

Most Respectfully,

WB

[purple_fins]

Every single person in this world is "helpable".

I know that you are very good at giving a supportive word here, I've read your kindness many times.
Please know and believe that YOU are worthy of support too.

maybe you aren't with the right T.? I know it's hard to begin anew with a different T.-- but it could be healing is that direction... perhaps...??
or maybe trying a different avenue with your current therapy.

I so wish that you find some peace and "fullness"

fins

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

Was I just born with too much NEED? I feel like I NEED too much and I always have. I know that no one really gets ALL their needs filled from babyhood, but lots of people don't turn out so messed up like me.

I feel hopeless. I think I can never get this hole inside me filled. No one can ever love me, let alone like me. I just want out somehow. I can't, CANNOT live with myself. It's too painful.

I don't want to go to therapy anymore. Maybe I'm done with it? How do you know when you're "unhelpable?"

This is exactly how I felt when I was depressed. But my T had enormous charisma (does she know that?) and I needed her so badly I kept going back. (It wasn't easy and I did cancel sometimes.) And it turns out my hole COULD be filled and I WAS helpable.

I don't believe that nobody loves you. Love takes many forms. You won't believe this, but the world is full of love.

I remember when I first realised this, not so many years ago. I would see friends talking to each other in the street, subconsciously mirroring each other's postures. "Wow", I thought, "That's love. And it's been there all the time and I never saw it."

I hope you get to experience that.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

Was I just born with too much NEED? I feel like I NEED too much and I always have. I know that no one really gets ALL their needs filled from babyhood, but lots of people don't turn out so messed up like me.

I feel hopeless. I think I can never get this hole inside me filled. No one can ever love me, let alone like me. I just want out somehow. I can't, CANNOT live with myself. It's too painful.

I don't want to go to therapy anymore. Maybe I'm done with it? How do you know when you're "unhelpable?"

oh, wow. I could have written this, it is so exactly precisely how I feel. I can't even read the other replies yet because I'm crying. I feel that emptiness. I don't know the answers, but I'm so sorry you feel it too, roseleigh.

I'm sorry you feel that too. I try so hard, work SO hard to make it go away and it's there and, gosh, it hurts. Hugs.

[Wysteria]

Hang in there Roseleigh...
Sending so much love and peace your way..
You are so loveable and likeable and you will find your way.
Gentle hugs wrapped in angels wings,

Wysteria Blue