Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T.

I wish you wouldn't talk such nonsense. It will take another session to straighten it out, and I have better things to talk about.

((Calista))

I TOLD YOU THAT IF I FAILED THE TEST TODAY I WOULD NEED TO CALL YOU. I TOLD YOU WHAT TIME I'D BE CALLING AND YOU SAID THAT YOU DIDN'T THINK I'D FAIL BUT THAT YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO TALK THEN.

WELL GUESS WHAT? I FAILED, I'M AN ABSOLUTE MESS AND YOU'RE NOT AT WORK! I'M SO ANGRY AND HURT!

I'm sitting on my bed in a ball crying, I don't even know how long I've been here. I don't know what to do, I feel so unsafe and on edge. it's 2.5weeks till I see you again because I'm going away in a couple of days. I feel so let down. I don't feel like I'll make it the 2.5weeks. I know I'm going all BPD but whatever I don't care. this is something I knew I would need support over and I tried to put it in place but you let me down.

Dear T,

Another great day down.....

Dear T, flashbacks are returning. i hate that. not cool at all!
i hope you did not know this would happen and not warn me!

and i also figured something out last night. when i go to sessions and i am worried about what you are thinking about me, i shut down. too many bad thoughts going through my head.

if i go to session and not care what you think, i can just spill my guts and tell you all the weird thoughts, feelings and crazy $hit in my head...

i do seem to get in more trouble when i do that though!

Dear T,

I know your always late and even though you make up for the time by extending my session it makes me so anxious sitting in the waiting room waiting to see if your gonna show up. Please get a watch and use it.

Dear. T

I really need to see you next week Monday or Tuesday before my husband comes in with me on the 12th. I just feel very anxious about it, i really need to talk to you please.

Dear T, thank you, love you, and sorry for not wanting to leave today. Um, make that sorry for not wanting to leave every time.

me

Dear T,

I am so in love with "him"....I can't help it....The heart wants what the heart wants.....

Dear T,

Just another super embarrassing email from me, what else is new? but ugh, this one is SUPER pathetic and I hate that I just sent it. Why did you ever agree to work with me? Why are you still seeing me? Are you just afraid of being the next person to abandon me, thinking that might set me over the edge? Am I a a horrible person for putting you in such a position?

When you said today "you're looking at the clock, you probably can't wait to leave" I was thinking just the opposite... I was mad our time was almost up and didn't want to leave. Did you really not pick up on that?

I get to see you again in two days. Why was I so dumb to write such an embarrassing email so soon to seeing you? I'm afraid of freaking you out but also want/need you to know how much your support means to me.

Dear T, im confused. So confused. Im just confused. Always. Life is like a kaliedascope and it moves changes to fast, i cant adjust to changes with therapy and you and work and seasons and time and everything. Everything always seems weird. Im always playing catch up. Im always a day late and dollar short. Everything is always different moving / shifting like a carnival ride. Make it stop.

Dear T

Yesterdays session was hard. It is hard for me to talk about my sui thoughts and be honest because I am afraid that you will make me go to the hospital. I have learned how to answer the questions the right way so that you won't send me. But, now I am afraid. The thoughts keep getting stronger and harder to resist. I wish I could call you and talk to you right now, but I don't know if that is allowed as I have never asked you about contacting you in between sessions. I hope I can make it until our next session, but I'm not sure I can. Please don't be angry at me if I can't.

agma, JUST CALL! Hang in there!

Agma - call the therapist.

Dear T

Yesterday's session left me so angry. I felt like you weren't understanding me at all. You were so caught up in your 'theory' and explanations that you were completely missing where I was at. I wanted my hurt heard and understood, not analysed and normalised. I wanted you to understand my pain and sadness. I guess I wanted to feel that emotional connection with you that I felt last week. You seemed determined to get me to look at areas in my life to work on, adult areas, instead of understanding the childhood pain and needs. I can't believe this, especially in the light of what you read before the session. Why didn't you realise I needed a slower, steadier pace where I could talk and simply be heard? And don't you realise I don't ever want to overstep your boundaries? I just wanted to hold your hand but you were talking so much you didn't realise and you overstepped your own.

I'm so fed up with therapy right now. I feel so helpess too because I'm too scared to tell you how angry I am, that you have upset me, that I feel everything you did yesterday was useless and no benefit at all! I don't want to hurt your feelings but that's my pattern with everyone and I just ended up being walked all over.

Dear T

Four days down. Five to go. Reporting for duty

Noticed myself missing you more today, though still very bearable. I'm mainly finding that you're quietly 'there' all the time, but I'm not actively thinking about you. I wonder if this is how L feels when you go to work? It was nice to go to the dentist this morning- she asked how you were and we had a mini chat- it was just nice to be able to talk about you to a real person instead of only online. And there was some connection in knowing that we both retch horribly at the x-ray bite thingies

I forced myself out of the house today even though I was in tears, and it helped. Ended up getting lots of work done and haven't stopped for the day yet. I'm proud of that. As I walked home I blasted a cheerful song and spent a good five minutes imagining my wedding. Further decline into craziness, since I don't even have a partner let alone a fiancee? Or positive visualization-a step towards making it a reality? I'm going for the latter- spending a happy five minutes visualising my wedding can't be more harmful than the 20+ minutes I seem to spend each day imagining my completely empty future, complete with the many obstacles which could prevent me from ever getting married.

Love you. Don't forget me. Come home soon x

Dear T,

I need to tell you that I'm scared. Some of my thoughts recently have been very, very dark. I don't know how to tell you and I don't want to see that sad look on your face.

There are so many things I need to tell you tomorrow and I know there won't be enough time. I wish we had more time.

Dear T,

HELP ME...I'm crying out-please...save me...love me...don't leave

TRIGGER for mention of si...

Dear T,
I love you and I hate you right now. Today's session was so hard for me. I felt like it was out of my control most of the time. I wanted so badly to just start crying, but I managed to hold it in.

When you asked if I could tell you I was angry with you and I said I wasn't that was honest. Right then I was not angry. I was appreciative like I said. I was very appreciative of what you said at the end of session.

But now that a few hours have passed, I am angry about the middle of our session. I am angry because I feel like you are minimizing my stress at work. You just don't understand it. No one outside our organization does. You made me feel like I was dramatizing it and making more than it was...well **** that. You have no idea. I am not sharing stuff about work with you anymore. Now I feel like crap. I want to si so badly right now and never ever tell you about it again. It will be my little secret that you don't know. I am shutting down...I can't do this anymore. I am too tired. It's all too much right now.

I know you were all excited about the progress. It showed in your voice. I am sorry that I just can't share that with you. Depression is safe. I know it. I am so tired of the ups and downs. The down is just easier right now. Sorry.

Yes,yes,yes I want to say this to my T too!

Dear T,

I don't want to talk about ME, so stop asking me to focus on ME! If I knew how to do that, I would. You are driving me nuts! I don't know what you are talking about half the time. You say that is because I choose to 'tune you out'. Maybe that is true. I don't know. I just know that I would rather talk about anything or anyone else than to focus on myself!!

Squiggle

hey T , i don't need you..

Dear T, I don't know what to do. I wish you could help me. I wish you could guide me. I feel very alone right now. My head hurts. I'm starting to feel hopeless. Really hopeless. It's closing in on me, but I can't tell you, because I don't want to disappoint you. You want me to get better. I'm so sorry I can't do it.

Dear T,

I miss you terribly. It's only two weeks between our appointments, but it feels like an eternity. At the same time, I'm tempted, like I always am, to cancel our next appointment and gain a little more distance from you.

But who am I kidding? I miss you too much to do that. I wish I had more self-control (in lots of areas of my life).

How am I ever going to separate myself from you, T?

Dear T,

Seeing you once a week is NOT enough. I feel like I am out of control, and I am starting to scare myself. Each time I OD I take more than the last time. I don't know how many more times I can do it and still be a live. I'm sure my liver isn't going to be able too take much more. Please help protect me from me.