Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how. (Part III)

Dear T,

I'm more or less okay when we have scheduled breaks but I am so scared that something will happen to you or your family. I don't know how to get over that fear. I know you know about it and you tell me you'll be back each week. The child parts can accept that, but the adult knows better.

I need you SO much, or maybe I don't really need you, but I want to be with you. I wish we could sit next to each other on the couch and eat popcorn for the whole session. Instead, I have to do this yucky therapy stuff!!

I hope you will answer my questions about your family. I could have looked online, but I didn't!! Then, a few questions about your favorite things. Then, I promise I will go right back to EMDR and this hard stuff.

Please be there tomorrow! I feel like I wouldn't be able to get through the week if I have to miss a session. That's NOT good, I know.

Dear T

I should talk to you about the nightmares, visual ideas that come to mind, and the ever-growing fear that i will just explode. Like seriously just boom. I am an itchy, twitchy, antsy mess. I am disgusting. There are just too many triggers...and wonder if cutting deeply into skin could make it stop. Maybe to cut the badness out. Or to just rake and beat at myself until i black out and actually stop...

I dont know how to bring this up in real life with the program so far. I dont know if i want to change at all to be near anyone, enjoy relationships at any level (shudder), or delve more into intimate awareness in any way (SHUDDER). I dont know why these memories and images are around and want attention (again). I dont know why i am scared...of me...How dangerous could things be if this keeps building up, yet am too afraid?

*curls up safely alone in a ball and *

Dear T,

I'm starting to feel really overwhelmed at work again. Several months ago my pdoc said something about how I have a lot of people to tend to at work and at home, and this is really starting to weigh on me. I'd really like to be able to reach out to you and tell you about this, but I figure I've bugged you enough this week. Plus, we're meeting in two days.

I want to "use" you as my secure base, but I worry that I'm asking for too much, and that you don't really want this kind of contact from me. I mean, I'm not in crisis, just feeling overwhelmed and wanting some contact.

I wish this relationship weren't so difficult.

Thanks rainbow. I don't get my relationship with her at all. I was actually somewhat glad that we were going to take a week off. I thought it may get the 'umph' back into our sessions if we took a little break. Well, now that reality has settled in, I am seeing that I need that time with her more than I want to admit. Even if that session may not be particilarly that engaging or helpful, I need the consistentcy of seeing her every week. Why is that? If I really tried hard enough, couldn't I manage on my own?

Dear T,
i just want to make them proud.

Dear T,

I had a melt down last night and couldn't go to work today. I am not sure if the thought of us not meeting this week was the culprit or not, but I am sure it played a part in it. I am embarrassed to admit that I act like this. I am not helpless by any means, but I think I am crippled mentally and emotionally. I want to be someone else..........can I be you?

Squiggle

Dear T...
u just cant care about me

I hate myself too much T....
I want to disappear

Dear MyT

I miss you. That's all.

dear t

this is breaking my heart and I can't even talk to you about it

Dear T,

I am trying to follow the steps you have taught me about not going to the extreme with my emotions. But I am not doing so well. When something happens, even if I did not cause it, I somehow make myself the reason it happened. I want to stop doing this! It is making me a nervous wreck. Please help me stop this behavior because I can't seem to stop it by myself.

Squiggle

Dear T,

Thank you for answering my questions. It makes me feel good to know that we like some of the same movies and singers, at least the old ones! I'm sorry we both miss our mothers, too. You've had a lot of losses in your life; I know that's why you specialize in treatment of loss and grief.

I feel close to you and I hope that I can keep it normal in my mind! I wanted to discuss erotic transference with you but maybe it's best just to let therapy play out the way it has been and not focus on labels. We both know my issues, and you're so sure that EMDR is the answer for me; you're like a little kid with a toy, but seriously, I trust you that it works for your other clients and that it will work for me too.

I'm suffering from my usual post-therapy blues but it's not SO bad yet. I will probably email you later with the answer to the question you asked me.

If you die, will I be invited to your funeral?

...I've been down the path twice already of losing someone important to me but nobody else acknowleged that the relationship might exist...

I need to know that its okay that you matter. I also need to know that you think of me as a human being. And, okay, that maybe you care about me a little bit. Even if no one else knows that our relationship exists.

Dear T,
When you said that some patients tell you they hate coming to sessions and I replied that it was a good thing you didn't read my journal, I saw that very brief, hardly a second reaction flit across your face. I can't describe it in words, but my heart could understand it completely.

Now I feel very guilty and sad for saying that. You are human too. Even though you try to remain neutral, you have feelings too. I'm sorry I said that .
Me.

Dear T

I can see myself breaking down a 1000 different ways tomorrow. The first group in the program tomorrow is REVIEW REALITY. I am more and more scared of how i am right now...how would talking about this aloud or going to the hospital help? Why is this pain and fear too much now? Why does the shame and guilt hurt so much now? I can't breathe/my chest hurts/my sister's giggling on the phone with her friend next door sounds like more cackling condemnation slapping me in the face/i want to cry but am scared...i am so scared.

We should not go any deeper. I am a bad girl. Its all too sick and screwed up...i hate that i dont even have the courage to just die completely and be gone so i can stop all of the waste and mess by existing still. It is really too late. I am a bad girl.

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge
Dear T,

I don't have the courage to ask you, but if you are reading PC and know who I am, I think I'd
for me this would be a real violation. If you are, could you come clean about it?

T I have no idea how to ask you about this. If you are reading here and you see this, please, no games; just tell me.
SAWE
PS and if some wise PC person has a good idea about how to ask T, I wish they would PM me...........

T

why dont you understand me? You told me not to focus on the bad feelings I get..you think its really that easy? When you said that...I felt so alone...like you really couldnt understand me...How can you understand something you dont go through?
I felt like I was crazy and disgusting....like you see me as this *messed up patient*

This place is so lonely....everybody is so normal and happy outside my window...and my insides are crumbling...and I have to wait a whole week to see you again...

Is this what my life is...looking foward to just. T? I have nothing else

I'm crashing. badly. it's been 1.5 weeks since I've seen you, well since our session, we've said hi in passing around the centre. but the funny thing is I don't want to see you. the thought of coming in in 11hrs makes me feel sick and anxious, not cuz we are going to talk about something difficult, just cuz I don't want to see you anymore. I want to quit therapy altogether. it's pointless.

but I'm not sure I can tell you any of that.

Sometimes in therapy there are going to be feelings like this, however that voice telling you to let go are the times when change is comming. Dont give up yet. In therapy you need to tell t what you want/need from todays sessions. And work from there

To my therapist:

I think transference is a bunch of doggy doo. So there. Ha!

Dear T -

Maybe we should break up. I think I want a T with crappy boundaries.

Dear T,

So today is 5 days since last session and 7 days before next session. I'm in a strange place. I really, really miss seeing you, but I don't feel like I NEED you like I normally do. I've wanted to email you, but there really hasn't been anything to email about. I've been reading the book you told me to read. I've been journaling. I've been hella busy at work. Trying to do things I like after work; shopping, making jewelry, listening to music, etc. H and I actually took a walk together Sunday afternoon.

This is good, right?

Love,
Chopin

I feeel like this a lot too...I feel like... do I have to be bawling like a baby and crying and about to jump off a cliff so I can have an excuse to email T?
sigh.

Im glad to hear your distracting myself its good..my T always says to keep myself focused on daily stuff. .....even though I hate that! but ...its good and seeing that u can do it makes me feel more inspired to try this myself

Dear T,

I just saw you this afternoon. Why do I want so badly to email you already? I feel like such a kid with you

Dear T, I need you so bad it hurts. I've made some stupid mistakes lately and I just want to be able to spill the beans to someone. I want to be able to tell you, but I can't. I made this mistake and now I must face whatever consequences lie ahead. I'm sick over it every single night.

One of these days, I'm going to learn my lesson and not say stuff like this. Now I'm scheduled to work out of town on my appointment day week after next!