My next session is going to be different. I am to meet my therapist in the office, but we are going to walk over to another part of the building to a new room that she wants us to start meeting in. This is a church. First of all, I fear that people will see me. Secondly, it freaks me out to be out of a 'safe place' with my therapist and out in the open with her. It scares me to death.

I have this fear of her getting close to me. I can't allow her to sit next to me on the couch. I have tried this, but I can't. It sounds totally bizarre and no one understands this. I was watching a TV documentary on OCD. This struck a chord with me. I don't think I have OCD, but when it comes to my therapist, I am really uncomfortable with her sitting too close to me or touching me.

Strangely enough, I actually want her to sit by me, yet I can't get past the anxiety of it all. What is it that makes me so panic stricken? I don't get that part at all! Its like there is this invisible force between us that keeps me from her. When I think about it, it brings me to tears. It is ridiculous!

I want to talk to her about this, but I feel stupid bringing it up again. We have tried some exposure therapy with it. I told her I was fine, but I lied. I wasn't. I don't want to do it again. I just want to understand where this fear is coming from. Its not like I am scared of her. I am totally embarrassed by this.

[Elli-Beth]

You're not alone on this. I freak out if my T gets up out of his chair. He's done it a few times, but he knows now to warn me that he has to get up to go get the pens and paper or a book or something. And I can't walk past him while he's standing up, it just feels too vulnerable.

It's odd because I trust HIM, I just don't seem to remember that I trust him in the spur of the moment?

[rainbow8]

Squiggle, my current T is the first T I've felt comfortable sitting next to me and touching me. I was always afraid of being close to my other Ts. I've posted about my former T and I being at functions outside of therapy together. Once she sat next to me (she told me at my session that she didn't know what to do; there were 2 seats left) and I felt like a deer in the headlights. I was self-conscious and scared to be so close to her.

I think the reason is that she always made it clear what our roles were. She didn't want us to have any contact during therapy--no hugs or anything, so I was afraid to even walk close to her let alone sit close to her. Yet I always fantasized that we were holding hands or that she was holding me.

Now that I'm not seeing her, recently she and I were at the same table at a function and I chose to sit next to her. It was fine, but that's because she's not my T any more.

When my current T first did breathing and meditation with me, I was very self-conscious and embarrassed. It seemed like she was too close. Gradually I got used to it. When she first held my hand, I was so scared of how I would react though I wanted it. But it felt safe so I accepted that too. The first hug was sort of awkward too. Once she sat next to me on the couch and I got used to that too. It was sort of like exposure therapy. I learned that I didn't have to be afraid of her. She's so "user friendly"--LOL, I can't think of a better word--oh, non-threatening is what I mean, that I feel safe with her touching me.

If you aren't scared of your T, then I don't know where the fear is coming from. Maybe you're scared of yourself then? I used to always fear that holding my former Ts' hands would feel sexual. I never got a chance to test that, but it was a real fear. I also never liked hugging anyone except my kids, just because I wasn't used to it.

How are you about hugging other women, like family and friends? Is it only with your T that you're unable to sit close or touch?

I may be wrong but I think if you do it once, you'll get past that initial fear, and gradually it will feel okay to you.

Another thought. I used to think my Ts were very different from me. Like teachers, and you're a teacher so you'll understand this. You know. They don't go to the bathroom and they live in the closet! It wouldn't have seemed right to be close to any of my teachers. Only my current T has become "just another person" to me, though she's still my T, of course.

Sorry if I am rambling too much. Your post made me think about how far I've come regarding touch with people, in therapy and in RL.

[mixedup_emotions]

I feel similarly with my T....although I didn't in the beginning. He is big on 'no touch', but the idea of him even being closer to me feels awkward. I think it just stirs up feelings that are too big, whatever they are....

[CantExplain]

Welcome home, Squiggle!

i am the same exact way, been seeing t a very long time and i have no idea why

it used to bother me a lot, mostly thinking he would try to touch me.

Then one time he did get up and sit next to me, so i got up yelled at him then he moved back. i almost left the room, then after he sat back down he yelled at me and said "I was trying to be close" never could figure out what he meant.

just wanted to let you know you are not alone

Originally Posted by rainbow8

If you aren't scared of your T, then I don't know where the fear is coming from. Maybe you're scared of yourself then?

How are you about hugging other women, like family and friends? Is it only with your T that you're unable to sit close or touch? I am okay about hugging other women, but I am not like all over them with affection! I wasn't raised in a huggy family, so that does not come natural for me. Yes, it is really only with my therapist that I feel this way. I don't understand it at all. I would welcome her to sit by me or for us to talk a nice walk outside, but I can't do it. It feels all wrong to me.

I may be wrong but I think if you do it once, you'll get past that initial fear, and gradually it will feel okay to you. I don't think she will allow this.

Another thought. I used to think my Ts were very different from me. Like teachers, and you're a teacher so you'll understand this. You know. They don't go to the bathroom and they live in the closet! It wouldn't have seemed right to be close to any of my teachers. Only my current T has become "just another person" to me, though she's still my T, of course.

Sorry if I am rambling too much. Your post made me think about how far I've come regarding touch with people, in therapy and in RL.

I am not a huggy person by nature, but I do hug people at my church. I hug my kids and students. I feel so strange about it with my therapist because of the huge issue of crossing a boundary! It makes me fear even getting too close to her. Like I will get zapped if I accidentally touch her.

I also think it may be that if I do allow her to sit by me, it opens myself up even more to be close to her. I don't want that. I know that my time with her is limited. I don't want to get all sappy with her and have it ruin our relationship.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Welcome home, Squiggle!

I took a nice long nap. It was well needed. I think I feel much better now and can handle things better.

[SoupDragon]

At my last session, T asked me to move and sit somewhere else - I said that felt too hard and scarey T said "Go on just try" in a gentle encouraging voice......so I took a deep breath and did it!

Wow- it was so weird seeing T literally from a different perspective, a bit freaky, but also something in me shifted, like I had escaped that person I became when I always sat in the same place to the right on him. So from my experience these "risks" can so so scarey to push into, but I certainly learnt alot from my "recklessness"

Sometimes I think of anxiety as a sealed tin with no label - I don't know what is in there - it may be something useful, but I just don't know. The more I wonder, the more my imagination has time to work and conjure up all sorts of things that may be in there (usually goblins and bogey men)- but the only way we ever really know for sure is by opening it up and having a good look and if we have T next to us when we do that, all will be OK.

Hugs to you Squiggles - have faith in your T - Soup

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Wow- it was so weird seeing T literally from a different perspective, a bit freaky, but also something in me shifted, like I had escaped that person I became when I always sat in the same place

I've done this with last 2 T's - I got mad at prev T was why I did it, and I really liked the new spot, but it made him very grumpy! Current T brought in a new client chair, but kept the prev client chair as an extra chair, so now I sit in the extra position, which is closer to him, at an angle, rather than facing him from far across the room, which was always too far away for me, plus I didn't like him looking up my dress! (not that I ever WEAR dresses, but you know!) Anyway, we CAN touch hands from this position, which I like. So now I also help him out of his chair at the end of session, as he grabs on to my dead weight and pulls himself up! Too many pepperoni rolls! Or just plain geezer therapy.

Squiggle, I am uncomfortable why T has to "parade" you around the church grounds. That would bother me. I would want my privacy no matter what I was going to church for. Big hat and sunglasses?

[tooski]

Squiggle, I have a similar problem going on and I know why. I just can't fix it. I have some sort of transference thing going on where I react to my T emotionally as if he was my dad. I just want to put my arms around him and curl up in his lap. I know how safe and protected I would feel because I've dreamed about it. And it ain't gonna happen - not ever. And I can't talk about it. So I don't want to get anywhere near him, because I'm so aware of his physicality. It's like there's a magnetic force and if I'm not careful, whoosh --- some force will throw me across the room and there I'll be stuck to his chest! OMG, it's awful and I'm so embarrassed. Even taking the appt card from him at the end of the session is too close for comfort. I'm not at all worried about HIM doing anything, but what I might do. I wish I could talk about with him, but I can't. I just hope it goes away one of these days.

[Dreamy01]

In many ways I'm the opposite. I have sat next to my T...and want more than anything to hug her/be close...I am very afraid of the magnetic force that is driving me to do it. I believe T will handle it well if I do but won't necessarily encourage close contact. We hold hands but that's it. The need for more is very strong though. I guess touch is an issue for a lot of people, whether it involves not wanting it or craving it.

[-jimi-]

A therapist is not a mother, a child or a friend. It is a person you actually hired to do a job. Of course you should feel strange touching a person like that, or something would be off. It is a natural boundary and you should respect your gut feeling on this one.

I don't see my therapist as any role other than my therapist. I also see other doctors for various reasons. My psychiatrist really doesn't have any reason touch me, but when she opens the door to me, we may brush against one another and that is okay. She may lay her hand on my arm while I am talking to her. When I see my regular MD she touches me. Not a hug or hold my hand, but there is a little bit of touch.

But if my therapist touched me in any way, it would freak me out. Why? because the whole boundary thing has been blown totally out of proportion. I don't expect to hold hands with her or for us to exchange a hug, but to touch in casual passing shouldn't be a big deal. But it is for me. I think my fear goes beyond just something as simple as not wanting to be physically close to her. I struggle with relationships and getting close to people. This may be a part of that whole ordeal. Who knows?

She has become the untouchable figure to me. It almost angers me and I want to act out that game where you touch someone and say, "You're it!" then they chase after you to touch you back and say "Got you back!" Childish play, but that's how it feels in therapy sometimes. No one but someone who has been in therapy would understand this crazy kind of irrational thinking.

I did email her about it. I am curious to see her response.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by jimrat

A therapist is not a mother, a child or a friend. It is a person you actually hired to do a job.

People keep saying that, but transference tells me different.

Some of us treat T like family and some of us treat her like a tax inspector.
Why is that? This to me is one of the biggest mysteries of therapy.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

She has become the untouchable figure to me. It almost angers me and I want to act out that game where you touch someone and say, "You're it!" then they chase after you to touch you back and say "Got you back!" Childish play, but that's how it feels in therapy sometimes. No one but someone who has been in therapy would understand this crazy kind of irrational thinking.

I did email her about it. I am curious to see her response.

Squiggle, I hope that you and your T can talk more about this whole issue. Maybe you're making it into more than it is. I still think the fear may be about what could happen rather than what will happen if you touch her.

Originally Posted by jimrat

A therapist is not a mother, a child or a friend. It is a person you actually hired to do a job. Of course you should feel strange touching a person like that, or something would be off. It is a natural boundary and you should respect your gut feeling on this one.

I know my T isn't my mother, child or friend. She is MORE than all of those. I don't feel strange touching her; I feel honored that she believes that touch is good and that it is healing.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

People keep saying that, but transference tells me different.

Some of us treat T like family and some of us treat her like a tax inspector.
Why is that? This to me is one of the biggest mysteries of therapy.

I NEED to treat my T like family. Some people NEED to treat their T like a tax inspector. If I felt she was like a tax inspector I wouldn't be able to tell her my innermost feelings.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

People keep saying that, but transference tells me different.

Some of us treat T like family and some of us treat her like a tax inspector.
Why is that? This to me is one of the biggest mysteries of therapy.

Yeah it's interesting how others view their therapists.

I find Jimrats view, a little bit clinical. A therapist isn't just another person on your payroll, no different from a cleaner, gardener, dentist, bank manager, etc your therapist is someone you bare your soul to, its an entirely different relationship. Albeit a strange one to make sense of. But each to their own.

I'm perfectly aware of my Therapist being someone i "hire", i know she'll never be anything other than the kindest person i've met. We are not friends, we will not be friends and we are definitely not mother and child. Yet, when i "fall and scrape my knee" figuratively speaking... she is the 1st person i want to speak to. One of the only people in my life who can make it all better. What's that all about???

I think depending on why you're in therapy and what your childhood experiences were like, there is a degree of reparenting involved, and that reparenting can only happen if there is a solid & trusting relationship between therapist and client. I could be very wrong but i'd imagine the clients who treat their therapists like "tax inspectors" are doing so to keep an element of emotional distance from the therapist.

I suppose it stands to reason that if you experience this "reparenting" or simply bare your soul to your therapist week in week out, that an attachment can't fail to emerge, and with attachment it's natural to desire close proximity to the person providing you with stability, encouragment, trust etc. It actually a very natural and human impulse.

Sorry i've waffled on Squiggle... it sounds like it's something you want to explore, it's ok to not want to be close to your therapist, totally ok. But i hope you get the answers you're looking for as you explore further.

x

[Asiablue]

Also want to say... just re-read my response and if i can actually apply that advice to myself and "practice what i preach" then i would make things a lot easier for myself!!! duh!

Originally Posted by CantExplain

People keep saying that, but transference tells me different.

Some of us treat T like family and some of us treat her like a tax inspector.
Why is that? This to me is one of the biggest mysteries of therapy.

I haven't figured out which one she is to me. It would resemble more of a confidant than anything. It is very friendly and she is quite open about herself (when it is appropriate to what we are discussing). I don't see her as family, though.

It is truly a mystery that's for sure! I have always said that the therapeutic relationship is the strangest relationship you can ever be in. This is why I want to get out before I get burned too bad! That is one of my greatest fears........

If she actually sat close to me and showed that kind of affection, I would fall apart. I did not grow up in a 'huggy' family, yet I have always wished I had. My family was great and very supportive to me. We did a lot of family stuff together. We were just not the "I love you", huggy kind of family. If she hugged me, I would feel something that I have longed for. Something I wish I had in my life. I don't have that.

I think if I just had a friend that I trusted to hug me, that would suffice. Since I am in therapy, I wish that I could allow her to do some 'holding therapy' with me. Just hug me and say nothing. Or just sit by me and hold my hand with ut either of us speaking. I know that sounds really weird, but that's what my feelings are at the moment. Obviously something is coming up for me or I wouldn't be talking like this.

I would never be able to ask her to do any of this. She wouldn't anyway, so what's the point. It would be too embarrassing to talk about knowing that she would say, "No, we can't do that." She would go on to ask who was I really wanting that love and affection from? Then I would start crying and the session would be a total disaster.

What's so terrible about hugging your client after two years!! Why would that be such a damnable thing?

[Asiablue]

It is truly a mystery that's for sure! I have always said that the therapeutic relationship is the strangest relationship you can ever be in. This is why I want to get out before I get burned too bad! That is one of my greatest fears........

Ditto!

Also i am same as you in that, while i crave physical connection, i am terrified of it, i am not used to close contact, we were not a huggy family either. "holding therapy" if their was such a thing (is there?) would be scary but i would def. try it.

This is a common feeling on this board... about touch and hugs, it makes me wonder if we live in such an emotionally/physically barren world that we are literally starving for this human connection??

Originally Posted by Asiablue

It is truly a mystery that's for sure! I have always said that the therapeutic relationship is the strangest relationship you can ever be in. This is why I want to get out before I get burned too bad! That is one of my greatest fears........

Ditto!

Also i am same as you in that, while i crave physical connection, i am terrified of it, i am not used to close contact, we were not a huggy family either. "holding therapy" if their was such a thing (is there?) would be scary but i would def. try it.

This is a common feeling on this board... about touch and hugs, it makes me wonder if we live in such an emotionally/physically barren world that we are literally starving for this human connection??

Actually, there is a technique called the "holding therapy". It is used more in children with autism and other disorders. Its not really viewed upon very favorably by many.

My holding therapy is different from that. I just mean that I would like to get a nice long hug! You know, the kind that makes you feel like you can melt into the other person's arms? That is what I would like to feel. I haven't felt that in a long time. Maybe never?

I hold my grandchildren and try to let them 'feel' how much I love them. If my granddaughter falls asleep before I got a chance to rock her, I will pick her up and rock her anyway. I need to hold her and feel that connection as she falls asleep. It helps me probably more than it helps her!

For myself, this probably should be coming from my spouse, but we don't have that kind of relationship (long story). It is my fault, though. He wants that kind of relationship. I just can't do it. There is so much 'junk' in the way. I don't know how to get that close to him. It hurts me too bad. This is something we are working on in therapy. I don't know that we will ever get to that place in our marriage, but I guess there is always hope. Miracles do happen!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Squiggle, I hope that you and your T can talk more about this whole issue. Maybe you're making it into more than it is. I still think the fear may be about what could happen rather than what will happen if you touch her.

This is interesting. Can you elaborate more on what you mean?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I have always said that the therapeutic relationship is the strangest relationship you can ever be in.

I think we can all agree with that!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

For myself, this probably should be coming from my spouse, but we don't have that kind of relationship (long story). It is my fault, though. He wants that kind of relationship. I just can't do it. There is so much 'junk' in the way. I don't know how to get that close to him. It hurts me too bad. This is something we are working on in therapy. I don't know that we will ever get to that place in our marriage, but I guess there is always hope. Miracles do happen!

I was sad to read this. I can understand about the "junk", though.

[peridot28]

I haven't read the rest of the replies, so I apologize if someone has already said this. When I read your post, the first thing that popped out to me is that maybe you're afraid to be vulnerable, afraid of connection, afraid of getting attached because you maybe you allowed someone some form of vulnerability, connection, and attachment at some point in your life, perhaps in your childhood, and maybe that vulnerability, connection, and attachment was violated in some way that left you feeling, whether consciously or subconsciously, untrusting or afraid of feeling that closeness only to be hurt, let down, abandoned, or violated again. Violation doesn't just involve abuse, it can be any form of hurt that someone caused you.

I can totally understand why you would feel this if the above scenario is something that relates to you. For me, my therapist is always letting me know that she is ALWAYS there and available if I need her. She has a pager for after hours contact if her clients are in crisis and need her, no matter what time of the day or night it may be. I don't know how many times she told me to use it if I needed to. But, I was determined to never have to use it and confirm to myself that I was in no way attached to her or that I actually needed another human being to be there for me and to actually be open and vulnerable without the fear of being hurt like I had been in the past, especially by my former therapist, who apparently got her counseling degree from Captain Crunch.

I realized that I was punishing myself by not allowing her in, telling myself that I didn't really need her, but know that I totally needed her, or letting her think that she could have any control over how I felt, whether it be bad or good, because I was afraid that if I got close to her or felt an inkling of vulnerability or connection that she would in turn have a huge amount of control that came with the ability for her to hurt me.

BUT, (and that is a big BUT) she proved me and my irrational, yet understandable, thoughts to be VERY wrong. She proved to me that it was definitely okay to ALLOW her in, to be open and honest with her, to ALLOW her to help me, and to ALLOW her to get close to me, whether emotionally or physically (she gives the best hugs). She has been so successful at proving my irrationalities wrong, that I completely trust her 100%, now. I have no doubts that she has my best interest as her #1 priority in regards to my therapy and my well being.

BUT, (another big BUT) I had to be willing to take that risk of trusting her and to being vulnerable with her in order to make that connection I so, so wanted, but was so afraid of at the same time. You said, "Strangely enough, I actually want her to sit by me, yet I can't get past the anxiety of it all." I think (only my opinion) that your desire to be physically close to her is equal to being emotionally close and your mind is reacting with, "Alert! Alert! Physical closeness can lead to or be equal to emotional closeness and I'm not sure what kind of power I'm turning over to my therapist that she can use to hurt me."

Metaphor ahead ---> : I see it like I see drinking water. You know it's good for you, you have a desire to drink more of it, and you know you should have a satisfactory intake of it each day. But, the minute you start drinking it you know you'll have to take way too many bathroom trips than you really want to deal with, but you know if you drink it, it will do some good things for your body. So, if you stick to drinking plenty of water everyday, the trips to the bathroom get less and less as the days go by. Your body settles in and adjusts, and you're able to enjoy a healthy dose of water intake without the multiple bathroom trips.

So, the more you let your therapist in and get into the practice of being open with her and being vulnerable with her, the easier the connection will become, and you'll have less and less fearful moments of letting her be close to you. I guarantee you it will be a challenge, but it isn't impossible, and the benefits are awesome. Of course, you can have connection and vulnerability without the physical closeness, but I think for you, since the physical closeness is a barrier for you, allowing her to be physically close will allow more room and exploration for you to allow her to be emotionally close and for you to be able to trust her with your gift of closeness that you so badly want to give. It's something precious to you that you want to protect and I think by giving her that aspect of yourself it is to be considered a gift from you to her that she's earned.

One more thing, and I promise to stop being a chatterbox. You said, "Its like there is this invisible force between us that keeps me from her." I think in your effort to protect yourself you may be putting up this invisible force/wall, but your therapist is still on the other side, waiting for you, not budging from her place of support and just waiting for the moment you let her in, but only when you're ready.