Feeling Trapped

geez · Jul 03, 2012, 03:28 PM

My husband has anxiety. He can be very supportive the majority of the time but his anxiety rears it's ugly head and yes he is on meds....Was talking about finances and the expense I have every month with therapy (160).

And the fact that I had therapy for three + years with T1. I've been telling my husband a few of the things we have been talking about (in an effort to open up to my husband and create a closer bond) and he brought up today of why do I need to talk about xyz? "I thought you already talked about that with T1?"

I'm feeling trapped. I want to shut down. When I feel this way I don't want to be with my husband. I can't just stop going to therapy. I don't know what to say. I'm frozen. I want to cry.

Mike_J · Jul 03, 2012, 03:55 PM

If you want to cry then cry...

Your therapy is not something you need to justify to others... I don't know anyone who goes to therapy for any other reason that they need to, not like it's fun.

If your husband doesn't understand he never will, my wife (soon to be ex-wife) is now in therapy but still doesn't understand why I go... why I NEED IT...

You might feel trapped but there is always a way out....

Jul 03, 2012, 04:03 PM

geez, I tell my husband very little about my therapy. Perhaps you can choose different things to start with to share - less personal things. I tried something similar in an effort to re-connect. I started to talk to him about something kind of horrible about my childhood and he interrupted me to say, 'but you're fine now!'

Since then, I have told him things that I'm not very sensitive about and wait to tell him the deeper stuff until we get to marriage counseling.

sarahplainandshort · Jul 03, 2012, 05:10 PM

My DH doesn't have anxiety issues--he just doesn't get it, why I need T. I also tried telling him some things, in hopes of deepening our relationship, but he doesn't want to hear it. That makes me really sad, that there's a part of me that he doesn't want to know, a part I have to keep hidden from me. I don't know if that's what's going on with you guys, and maybe it's coming out as anxiety about finances...?

Anyway, I don't have any answers, I just wanted to say you're not alone. I posted a thread recently about feeling lost, and part of that is my husband's uneasiness about the ways I've changed since starting T. I also understand about feeling trapped; that's (to me) kind of the flip side of feeling lost.

Sannah · Jul 03, 2012, 06:23 PM

You don't like to disagree with your husband?

Jul 03, 2012, 06:36 PM

It sounds like you are trying to tell your husband what is going on in therapy, not so much to create a closer bond with him, but to justify to him why you need therapy so as to pacify his concerns/anxiety over the finances. It's all kind of getting mushed together.

If your husband has concerns about finances, that's fine. That's a marriage thing; I get that. But all you really need to say to him is that you still need to continue with therapy. If your husband and you need closer bonding, that's okay too; also a marriage thing. Find a way to bond that is about the both of you but separate from your therapy because your therapy is YOU time and needs its own place and privacy.

My husband and I (and my son for that matter) are all in therapy, in fact with the same T, but we almost never discuss what goes on in our private sessions. Try not to mix up your private work with your therapist with your relationship to your husband. Really confusing and can really complicate your thinking. Just seems like you've mixed it all together somehow, a bit illogically, and you need to take each part of the puzzle and set it in its own rightful place.

bluemountains · Jul 03, 2012, 07:16 PM

Hi Geez,
I am sorry that your husband doesn't understand your need for therapy. Don't we wish that one session would cure all (like with xyz). I feel like in every session I go over the same things and still am just as clueless/hopeless the next time around. You said that he is supportive most of the time. Maybe he will understand when he can have better focus as his anxiety diminishes.

I only tell my husband a little of what goes on in therapy. The same is true for my pdoc visits. He is interested in how I am progressing with bipolar, but he never asks for specifics. He is just happy when the meds are working and I am stable.

Bluemountains

geez · 09:22 PM

Thank you everyone for posting your support. I feel so lost and sad right now. I want to cry but I feel like I don't have the privacy to do so right now. After I posted this message I took my 6yr old to a movie and called my T2 from the car and left her a voice message to call me back and I wanted to see about bringing my husband to my therapy appointment. When she called me back I was in the theater and I told her it was difficult to talk at the moment but I wanted to see about bringing Chris so we can talk about where I am at and where we are going. She agreed so my husband doesn't know it yet but I'm going to ask him to come with me to sit in on part of the appointment.

Earlier before I left for the movies my husband said all sorts of things:

Do you know how much this is costing us? What if we didn't have the money to pay for this then what would you do? Who decides when your done with therapy? Did your therapist tell you how long this treatment takes? (to which I told him I asked her and she can't give me a definite amount of time and I decide when I'm done with therapy). I bet you really enjoy therapy that's why you go.(to which I replied it's work do you think it's a blast?) Are you going to be in therapy with this T2 for years as well?

Most recently I told my husband I had talked about my dad and today he said "why are you talking about your dad?" haven't you talked about him already with T1 (mind you my dad just had his third stroke since December of last year and his life is a mess and he told me a few short months ago that he doesn't want to be bothered when I asked if he remembered the name of my abuser who was our neighbor when I was 5). I'm feeling so horrible right now. I feel so hurt and now I have to sit with these feelings tomorrow in front of my kids and 'fake it'. My husband is anxious about money in general even though he has no reason to. My husband 98% of the time is very supportive of my goals, wants and desires expect for when his anxiety rears it's ugly head. Then it feels like hell and I want to run and hide.

I feel like I reached out to him hoping to someday have him to 'replace' that closeness I feel with T2. Can my husband be my therapist? No! But I would love to have that level of 'emotional' closeness with him. I feel like I just got burned in a major way.

On the subject of marriage therapy I actually got him to go to one at the end of last year. We did really great and my marriage therapist recommended that I go back to therapy. That is what started the process of me looking for a new T and that's how I ended up with T2 my current therapist.

Oh and Sannah about 'not disagreeing with my husband'. I have no problems disagreeing with him in my head but I have a hard time voicing my disagreement in an adult way. It's like I turn into a 5yr old and I can barely think never mind talk when there's conflict.

When it comes to the finances I think a budget will help alleviate his worries. I am a stay at home mom/student and someday when both my boys are in school I will be working so that will help pay for things he may see as unnecessary like therapy.

Before I left for the theater he seemed to calm down a bit and told me he knows I'm angry with him and that he is only voicing his concerns. He said he's not telling me to quit therapy but that he just wants to know whats going on.

I'm about to put something out there that's really immature but will feel really good to say and I'm only sharing it on PC: "I'll tell you what's going on your an a55 hole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Big Mama · Jul 03, 2012, 10:50 PM

My H is the same way. What did you talk about? Was it really worth 50 bucks? No wander you want tell me what you discussed, It's probobly about me. How much longer is this gonna last? What did you tell her? You can talk to me and save the 50 bucks. Whats so bad you can't tell me? Why would you want to pay her to listen to you complain?
I get so tired of the questions. He goes with me sometimes. It doesn't always help. Then it turns into how much longer do we have to do this BS? Do you really think this is helping? How did she know what, what did you tell her? You really like to make me out to be the bad guy.
Geez I'm right there with you. I can't stand up to my H. I've got it in my head, in reality I freeze. I can't articulate what I want to say. I am intimidatred by him. I hope your T is able to help. I hope the finances become availiable. I am am a stay at home mom to. It's tough. I have worked out payment plans, I've billed my mental health care and paid for it with spare change until I got it paid off. My H got so annoyed he stoped paying all together. I told my T at the next meeting no more $. She suggested I could pay her with change sence we put all our change into a can. When the can got full enough that he wouldn't miss some of the $ take out some and pay her what I could. I also had several relatives saving quarters to help pay. My grandma was happy to save just dimes. I'd roll them and give them to my T. Maybe this would help lift some of the finiancial burden for you?

Sannah · Jul 04, 2012, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geez

I have no problems disagreeing with him in my head but I have a hard time voicing my disagreement in an adult way. It's like I turn into a 5yr old and I can barely think never mind talk when there's conflict.

This would be really important to work on. You must be getting triggered by this for it to send you back to a childhood response.

geez · 06:42 PM

I talked to my husband and we are going to therapy together tomorrow and he's going with me for just a few minutes of my session to talk about this and get his answer. Im so hurt, angry, and feel threatend right now. Wish me luck!

Sannah · Jul 04, 2012, 05:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geez

Im so hurt, angry, and feel threatend right now.

Do you want to explain here why you are hurt, angry and feel threatened?

geez · Jul 04, 2012, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you want to explain here why you are hurt, angry and feel threatened?

In short I feel that he is going to try and take therapy away from me.

Hurt because he said some hurtful things and I feel that what happens in therapy is extremely personal and difficult and I feel like he trashed that with his words and questioning if therapy is really worth it.
Hurt because I tried to open up to him and share some of what I talked about in therapy in an effort to feel closer to him and it's only brought us apart.

Angry because he would say such hurtful things and dishonor my hard work.

ListenMoreTalkLess · Jul 04, 2012, 09:55 PM

Do you want him to come to your therapy session?

I am having a hard time imagining how any answer your T would give would satisfy him. And I would be terribly resentful because it would take away T time from me. And if T said something to him that made me feel like she was on his side, I would feel like he had taken T away from me. I wouldn't want to see my T even empathizing with my wife around these issues. If he needs answers or validation or whatever, he needs to seek them elsewhere. Not on my T time. But that's me.

I think his statement that he "wants to know what is going on" is kind of boundary-blurring. Your therapy is about you, and it should be your call when you go to therapy and when you stop. If you want to share with him, that's fine. But he's not entitled to know anything, whether it helps his anxiety or not. His anxiety is his issue and dealing with it is his issue.

I share very little about my T with my wife. She doesn't even ask. She may or may not know that I leave the house every Thursday at 4pm to see my T (we have a babysitter on Thursday afternoons after school). I don't think I've said a single thing about therapy to her for almost a year. I remember because my T said something really smart about understanding an event with our youngest child, and I told her what T said.

rainbow8 · Jul 05, 2012, 12:04 AM

geez, I think you already know that I have had the same problem with my H for years now. He has always resented my therapy, felt it was a waste of money, and when I did choose to tell him about it, he only criticized me and made me feel bad with his "why don't you move in with her" or some other remark like like that, that really hurts me. He's never, ever tried to understand my problems, even when I was diagnosed with BPD.

I still try to talk to my H about my sessions but it's always a disaster. I wish it weren't that way. I'm sorry you are feeling so angry with your H. I hope that bringing him to therapy will help. He was willing to go to marriage therapy; the way he acts about your therapy seems like something that could be discussed there. Will your T work with both of you on this, or can you go back to the marriage T?

geez · Jul 05, 2012, 07:14 AM

(((rainbow)))) and (((Listenmoretalkless))) you words are exactly what I needed to hear.

Yes I don't want him taking up a bunch of my therapy time and I'm feeling a little pissed about that. Fortunately our two sons will be in the waiting room so he wont be able to stay in the appointment long.

I'm angry that I told my husband "I don't know how long I'll be in therapy" and that wasn't good enough. He kept pressuring me for more info and throwing the scenario of what if the money wasn't there? (and we have no issues with money - we aren't rich mind you but we can pay our bills and live a conservative lifestyle).

I really hope this T tells him where to go. My marriage T told my husband when I go back to therapy she couldn't say how long it takes. Much of it depends on him and his support.
Perhaps this will lead to more marriage therapy?

Post more later after my appointment....

AngelWolf3 · Jul 05, 2012, 07:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geez

(((rainbow)))) and (((Listenmoretalkless))) you words are exactly what I needed to hear.

Post more later after my appointment....

Yes, rainbow and LMTL had great words for you! I am anxious to see how your appointment went...good luck

WikidPissah · Jul 05, 2012, 07:38 AM

I really hope it goes well today!

Sannah · Jul 05, 2012, 10:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geez

In short I feel that he is going to try and take therapy away from me.

Hurt because he said some hurtful things and I feel that what happens in therapy is extremely personal and difficult and I feel like he trashed that with his words and questioning if therapy is really worth it.
Hurt because I tried to open up to him and share some of what I talked about in therapy in an effort to feel closer to him and it's only brought us apart.

Angry because he would say such hurtful things and dishonor my hard work.

Do you not feel empowered with your husband? What did he say that was hurtful? (If you don't mind sharing?)

His worry about money sounds like his anxiety talking?

ListenMoreTalkLess · Jul 05, 2012, 10:33 AM

I wanted to share one more thing. This was on my mind last night and I asked my wife, "is it okay that I am still in therapy?" It's been about a year in this round, and she knows that I had about 5 years before we met, and then about a year and a half into our relationship. She said back to me very gently, "Given what you went through in your childhood, I think that you need to take whatever time you need to heal in the way that you need to. You can go forever if that's what you need."

Or something like that. I was kind of teary eyed after "childhood", so I might have missed some words.

However, I am NOT going to therapy forever. I think I'll wrap it up within 6 months to a year.

geez · Jul 05, 2012, 12:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I wanted to share one more thing. This was on my mind last night and I asked my wife, "is it okay that I am still in therapy?" It's been about a year in this round, and she knows that I had about 5 years before we met, and then about a year and a half into our relationship. She said back to me very gently, "Given what you went through in your childhood, I think that you need to take whatever time you need to heal in the way that you need to. You can go forever if that's what you need."

Or something like that. I was kind of teary eyed after "childhood", so I might have missed some words.

However, I am NOT going to therapy forever. I think I'll wrap it up within 6 months to a year.

(((ListenMore))) your post brought tears to my eyes. You are so lucky to be married to someone who is supportive of your healing.

I am married to an engineer who doesn't do emotions really well

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

Do you not feel empowered with your husband? What did he say that was hurtful? (If you don't mind sharing?)

His worry about money sounds like his anxiety talking?

My husband does have anxiety and the money thing is definitely his anxiety talking. I have felt empowered with my husband at times but not when it comes to asking for what I want..... i'll explain more below...

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Right before the appointment he asked if he should stay home and if I should ask the question he wanted an answer to. I told him he should go to the appointment as I don't know how else to answer his question about 'how long' other than I don't know.

During the appointment my husband pretty much talked the entire time and my T had to stop him a couple times and said ok now stop and let her answer that question.

I'm a bit pissed that he took up 50 out of the 60 minutes --- blah, blah, blah, blah, blah because he's feeling anxious.

My T was very supportive of me during the conversation and limited what she said in terms of details but this is what she did say to my husband:

" I have received training from PTSD specialists and what to expect is 7 - 14 years of therapy and that geez doesn't have typical PTSD but complex PTSD. Because geez has had/put in 3+ years of therapy that does count."

My husband is OK with that and he gets it but it's sad that he couldn't 'get it' with my explanation. He had to go to my therapist before he could feel ok with it. He also said that he thinks that "I like therapy". She assured him that she tells clients if she feels their issues have been addressed and they don't need therapy anymore.

After my husband left I had 10 minutes to process a little of what I was feeling about it all...

In a nut shell I feel like I have to defend myself anytime I want something. That's a tough pill to swallow. I guess I did learn something about myself even if it was only in the last 10 minutes.

I am pissed that I couldn't talk about what I had already planned on talking about because my husband was having his anxiety 'attack' about my therapy. I feel like my appt went to alleviating his worries. GRRRRR!!!!

Post more later.....

ListenMoreTalkLess · Jul 05, 2012, 12:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geez

In a nut shell I feel like I have to defend myself anytime I want something. That's a tough pill to swallow. I guess I did learn something about myself even if it was only in the last 10 minutes.

I am lucky, geez. Thank you for reminding me. Of course she is trained as a clinical psychologist and she does research in the various effectiveness of different modalities of psychotherapy, so if she's not supportive, I don't know who would be! And if she wasn't, it would kinda invalidate her entire life's work.

I think your nutshell analysis is just so smart and that was worth the price of admission of your H into the process. I think all survivors have difficulty believing that we are worthy of what we want. Maybe we had to deny what we wanted so often when we were kids that we even stopped caring about what we wanted. I have been in that place, and while it has benefits (like not being demanding on our partners), I have been practicing asking and to some extent just taking what I want. Now there's a lot so fine line between taking and entitlement, like with asking and demanding. But I've noticed that while my wife feels no qualms about taking time for herself, especially for the things she really enjoys doing (some of them with our kids), I have hesitated at times. Okay, most of the time. Also, she has an important job with a lot of responsibilities and she makes way more money than I do. And I'm the one who cares for the kids after school and in the summer, and during her many trips away from home, and I do all the doctor and dentist and lessons, etc because I can rearrange my work schedule easily and I don't need to physically be at work all that often.

All that makes me feel that I can't necessarily just spend money or take time that I need for myself. I don't like having to justify spending money on $50 work of bike accessories or whatever, so I told her I was getting my own credit card and I would pay it off. She was absolutely fine with that, and it's worked out well so far. This shocked me, because I had thought it was her that was requiring me to justify what I wanted. Turns out she was just curious and making conversation, and it was me who was feeling defensive.

This is mostly to say that it's okay for you to ask for, maybe even demand, what you need. If your H is the typical guy, he probably is patting himself on the back for having married such a low maintenance wife. He might be in for a rude shock if you stop defending what you want and just take it (in ways that he probably already does), but because he loves you, he will also work on himself to give you what you need.

Sannah · Jul 05, 2012, 01:04 PM

Geez, I think that it would be great if you could work on feeling empowered around your husband when it comes to your needs. I had to work on my issues too that I had brought with me in my relationship with my husband. He really didn't have a clue how I was struggling and many of my assumptions about him were incorrect.

His anxiety might cause him to want you to be certain ways (to help him alleviate his anxiety) but you don't have to cooperate with that and I'll bet that your husband is more flexible with you then you think he is.

Remember that you brought all sorts of assumptions about your needs with you to the relationship (that your needs don't count) because of what you experienced while growing up. Your husband really doesn't have any clue with how you view this. My husband didn't and when I worked on it and asked for his help he was very cooperative. Early in my work I would get really angry at him and he would say "just ask me, I had no clue". My anger was because of my struggles with my needs. He really wasn't doing anything on purpose.

geez · 02:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

I think all survivors have difficulty believing that we are worthy of what we want. Maybe we had to deny what we wanted so often when we were kids that we even stopped caring about what we wanted. I have been in that place, and while it has benefits (like not being demanding on our partners), I have been practicing asking and to some extent just taking what I want.

All that makes me feel that I can't necessarily just spend money or take time that I need for myself. I don't like having to justify spending money on $50 work of bike accessories or whatever, so I told her I was getting my own credit card and I would pay it off.

This is mostly to say that it's okay for you to ask for, maybe even demand, what you need. If your H is the typical guy, he probably is patting himself on the back for having married such a low maintenance wife. He might be in for a rude shock if you stop defending what you want and just take it (in ways that he probably already does), but because he loves you, he will also work on himself to give you what you need.

What your wrote rings loud and true in my ear "believing we deserve what we want". I clearly believe that on some level as I wouldn't be able to come up with the goals and aspirations for my future involving a new career - BUT being deserving isn't always all there all the time.

As for being a low maintenance wife LOL!!! that is me :-) but only because like you said I felt like I shouldn't have wants etc... But that is changing slowly. I do go to therapy and I do get a message every once in a blue moon and I did go on a kid free/husband free vacation recently at the prodding of a close friend (if it weren't for her prodding to ask I don't think I could have had the guts to ask - again all in my own head).

While my husband has anxiety over the finances (and we have no debt other than a mortgage and the obvious bills associated with maintaining a household including kids swimming lessons, clothes etc..) He freaks out everytime I buy a pair of shoes (not very often). Guys don't get that woman have more than just 1 pair of sneakers and one pair of dress shoes

After my husband left I told my T that my husband forgot to mention that he bought himself (with my support) a brand new motorcycle

oh and yes I did buy a new bike too but is was the kind you peddle

As for stopping defending my wants I feel like I'm on that path and it does worry me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sannah

His anxiety might cause him to want you to be certain ways (to help him alleviate his anxiety) but you don't have to cooperate with that and I'll bet that your husband is more flexible with you then you think he is.

My anger was because of my struggles with my needs. He really wasn't doing anything on purpose.

My husband is very flexible in many ways and has been very supportive. Today he told my T how great it is that I went back to school however yesterday he was witching about how much school cost (I'm going to a community college mind you so I'm not paying private college or even state university tuition $$$ - yet

) Much of his anxiety was what my therapy was about the first go around (me just finding ways of dealing with it). Then I put my foot down and said we go to marriage therapy or an attorney. His choice. His anxiety was driving me out the door. It was so bad I just felt tense being in out home. Thankfully he's on meds now so that is a huge help however I think he needs therapy (but he's not into it or thinks he doesn't need it).

And yes I do have anger because of my struggles. I'm very cautious, mistrusting (still have a hard time trusting my new T on a core level), and very judgmental of myself (I'm my own worst critic).

Me trying to calm his anxiety is in some ways much like me trying to 'please my parents' only fortunately I lucked out and didn't marry someone who is physically/emotionally abusive.

At the end of my appointment I was writing out the check to my T and was mumbling "how frustrating". T told me: "Please don't take this out on your husband".

I'm holding onto so much anger and hurt right now and I get to 'sit with it' until next Thursday.

- and yes it does all belong to me (80% of it anyways).