I found out something about T, something about her private life

T's are human and are entitled to make mistakes; it probably makes them better t's. I have decided not to say anything to her about what I know as I dont want to hurt her by bringing it all up again for her and besides itsa not any of my business what she did in her past.
She is a good t and thats all that matters, this is my issue not hers, its something I have to deal with not her. She has probably felt all of her remorse and pain and I don't see any sense in bringing it up for her.

Sally, i am sorry it sounded as though I was saying to you I wasn't judging as I know you dint accuse my of judging you defended me and I appreciate that.
It is actually healing just hearing how sorry and understanding you are. Your H is one of the lucky ones, as all I wanted from my ex was an apology and admittance of what she did but she gave me neither and denied everything, I seen an order on her credit card bill for flowers and I checked her email and there was a message from interflora with this girls address and a message saying I love you from my ex. It broke my heart into a million pieces. If she had of said I am sorry I never meant to hurt you, all she said was I am not sorry for what I did because she knew it would hurt me.

Button, this really does seem to have bothered you... You didn't go out looking for dirt on your T, but never-the-less you have heard things about her that don't sit well with you. If you don't bring it up and discuss it now - so she can tell you her side and you can hopefully get past it - my fear is that it will come up again later, maybe sometime when you get mad at her for something or are resisting the work for whatever reason. You'll maybe have thoughts like 'well why should I listen to you? I know what you did...' etc.

I think holding something back in a therapy relationship can really affect the work you're doing - and like someone wrote earlier in the thread, it's going to be the 'elephant in the room'. Rather than have the risk of a rupture over this down the road when you've invested so much more into the relationship, it really could be better to get the discussion out of the way now, then hopefully you can move past it and work with her - really work with her and trust her, without having nagging thoughts about her in the back of your mind.

I didn't go looking for dirt on her, you were right. I did however look for some good news on T because she said she was a mother and would never treat her children like my mom treats me but my mum never had an affair my dad din't try kill himself in a horrific way because of it, and you know you are right evrytime she says something now it will go back to this. I wish I hadn't asked about T, I feel like all our good work is ruined and i feel like I can't trust anyone again. It happened a long time ago but it still happened and it makes me cry, what happened to her husband and i feel so sad for him.

If you don't want to stay with this therapist because of what you found out okay - that is every client's decision and right. But why were you staying in a relationship you knew was loveless and was checking someone else's billing statement and email a good thing to do? I am not saying you were not hurt, and not to quit with this therapist if you want, just that everyone engages in behaviors that are not upstanding and that they can justify in some way or other. A therapist is no different from clients in that. It does not make her (or you or me or anyone) a totally horrible person. But if you can't get past it, you could try some other therapists and see if you like them.

(and I have had girlfriends have affairs and lie about them to me)

I would never check her stuff or invade her privacy under normal circumstances Stopdog, its just I needed some confirmation of what I thought was happening.
All i wanted to do was hold her and tell her everything was ok but she wouldn't even let me touch her most of the time.
I think as for this new T, maybe there is a lesson here to learn, don't know hat it is but maybe its to leaqrn to forgive and trust people. Last session she wanted me to try contact my ex to see if we could maybe sort this out and become friends bbut I refused.
I am sorry you have had girlfriends cheat and lie to you, its horrible and humiliating, I hope you are with someone who cares about you now.

Thanks but actually it helped me get out of relationships that were not working. I don't consider it a mortal sin for me (I have things that do constitute relationship mortal sins - just that affairs are not a huge deal to me personally. I am not saying they should not be for others.). One affair situation hurt me more than the other affair situation did. I don't think having an affair means the other person does not care about me - again that is just me. And sometimes it would mean that. Other times it means more about other things than me.

This is such a difficult situation and I'm sorry it happened. I really don't know what I'd do in your shoes. But I hope you'll try to stay focused on what's really important here, and that's your therapy. You are trying to heal and improve, and you've taken the right steps by going into therapy and doing the work. Whether you choose to bring it up with T now, or later, or not at all, I think the important thing is whether you can trust her and progress in therapy. It may be that this is something you won't be able to get past, even if you talk to her and hear her side of the story.

Just focus on the therapy - you'll know in your heart pretty quickly whether you'll be able to continue or not.

aS T said last week, the first cut is the deepest- meaning your first love.
See for me, I was in love with someone who didn't really exist, T said i am grieving for someone who died-not literally but their facade they put on for me well it died and this I am finding the hardest to deal with, how she changed and lied about who she really was leaving me with a huge trust issue. I keep thinking everyone is lying to me and trying catch people out and I keep wnating to push people away

That does sound rough. And yes, that first love thing can be quite the emotional doozy. It was the one that hurt me too. I hope you work out what you want to do about this particular therapist. Good luck with it.

Thank you Bunny, I think for my therapy to work i am going to have to trust T, but the thing is I don't know just yet that I can trust her, I have my next session this week and I am not looking forward to it. i think I will just ask her straight out, what she thinks of people who have affairs or would that be too direct?

It is not too direct, but she may not answer. And if you are not telling her what you were told by the neighbor, you may be secretly (unconciously- not meanly) testing her in some fashion.

I don't want to hurt her but just thinking about it why else would I ask her that, so it's a bad idea!

This neighbor also said t s husband was very odd and that the fella t had am affair with was lovely! T is not with either of those now!

What kind of answer would you expect from her? Remember, she's a T, and will give a T-type answer, like turning it back to you with "Why do you ask, button?" You might be able to hint around with a non-T person, but I think she's going to suspect something is up, something that you're not saying. The conversation could get really, really awkward.

If you want to bring it up, I'd be direct but not judgmental. Maybe say something like "I heard something disturbing about you and it's really bothering me. It's personal about you and I feel really awkward, but it's upsetting me because of what happened to me and I don't even know if it's true," or something along those lines. Whatever you're comfortable with. It will probably be uncomfortable for her too but she's in the office and in T mode, and I think her training will make her able to discuss it in terms of YOUR therapy, because after all, it's your session so it should be all about you. Bottom line - I'd go with direct and nonjudgmental and get it over as soon as possible!

I agree also. The more you know about your T, the more you want to take care of her/him. That's not why you went to therapy. You went to solve your own troubles. Trying to get to know things about your T and also taking care of them is a way of avoiding what you need to do. Boundaries are there for a reason.

Now that it has happened, it's a very difficult situation. If you are going to leave her then don't leave without telling her why. She deserves to know.

i think you should bring it up with your T that your neighbour told you something and it's made you feel uneasy; that you need to talk about it so that you can trust her ... going on what the neighbour said alone is not giving your T the chance to say anything herself and leading to you forming opinions about her that may have little to do with reality

That doesn't really sound like the question you really want and need to ask though; it isn't direct enough and won't solve your issue. You need to know if the rumor you heard is true or not; that's the question you are going to have to ask. Anything less will just leave you with more questions and uncertainty. An honest discussion with her will let you decide if you can work past the information or not so you will know what to do next.

The information is true! She is from a very small town where everyone knows everyone and the whole town knew about what happened! So I don't need to confirm it with t because it's true! It's my own fault for asking about it! I must check this week if she still wears her wedding ring because she is not with anyone anymore apparently! It must have been so hard for her, and now I just feel so sorry for her

What a horrible and distressing situation! I would struggle with this as well. I do think it would be good to bring this up with T if you can. As painful as that would probably be, the other options might well be worse in the long term. I think your T would want to know what's upsetting you and it's very unlikely you could continue therapy with her with such a big issue kept secret. It would have to come out eventually.

Obviously only you can know what's right for you, but I do believe that sometimes these truly awful and what seem like impossible situations can pave the way to something better. Knowing that T is human too is tough and I agree there are limits to what we can tolerate and certainly to what we want to know about T, but once these situations arise, they can be worked through and there's tremendous growth in meeting T's humanity with your own. It depends how deep you are able to work with this and indeed to what extent your T can help you manage it. There can be a way out but it takes hard work and commitment.

I do know a few things about my T although nothing like what you've described. She has had a hard time (she hasn't said this but it's clear). She has also made big mistakes that relate on some level to ones I've made. But in accepting her mistakes i've began to accept my own. That's where healing really begins. Some people couldn't work knowing anything about their T and that is fine. But I like meeting my T as a human being who is real rather than a blank slate who is godly and apart from the rest of the world. For me, growth comes with having a real relationship, within reason of course as she is still a therapist, in the therapy room.

As I said, only you can know what's right for you in this situation. But try not to make a snap decision based on what you feel you can't tolerate because once you really look at this and what might be contributing to your intolerance you could find your perspective changes and you feel better for it.

It's not "too direct". Actually, it's not direct at all. It's quite passive-aggressive, if you ask me. This would be a way of testing your T, testing the waters to see if T "passes"....but honestly, it makes it incredibly difficult for your T to respond to.

Being direct would be exactly what some have said here - telling her that you heard something about her personal life and that you are uncomfortable with it...and that you're struggling with what to do with that information. Let T help guide you through it. Starting with honesty and directness will help.

I disagree. You may know the generalities, but you don't have the perspective from her, who actually lived it. Anything less than discussing this directly with your T will just leave you wondering about her motivations, how it affected her, how she feels about the entire scenario, etc. Would you want people only relying on what other people say and how other people interpret things that have happened in your life? No, you'd much rather be able to tell your own story and speak for yourself. Why would your T prefer you to go by hearsay about something that is affecting your perspective of what kind of person/T she is? At least give her the DIRECT opportunity to have her say.

Hmmmm that's tough. I've been in a sorta same situation. I decided to leave her because I just couldn't get past it. I'm
With a great T now and am able to move forward. Do what you think
Is best. If you feel
She's still
Helping you and you really like her then maybe try and just see the pro side. I think
Even pros have skeletons in
The closet. The T I had broke hippa laws and lots of insurance fraud and judged me about everything. That's why I left her. But if your Ts been helping and not breaking the law like mine did then keep with her if you're liking her therapy. Just my opinion of course. I'm sending lots of hugs. I know you're torn. Hugs hugs hugs hugs.

If we look back at the original post, this was about the pot calling the kettle black. T was saying maybe button's mom wasn't the most affectionate mom in the world, and now the point is, at least mom never did what T did. Or caused what T did. That why button identifies with T's H, as the victim. But also why you won't confront T, just as you won't confront your mother. Just as T's H prefers to play the victim role - there is power in being the "victim". My mother, but moreso her sister, are extremely loud "victims". "You can't do that, I'll DIIIIIEE if you do that!!!" So I don't know what twist of fate brought you two together - altho she did know your story and may have thought she could help you, where your previous T was not making progress.

The cruel twist of faith was that I purposely didn't choose this T. i left it to my insurance to pick her because of my luck with the last T and who did they pick last T s supervisor. It is a cruel twist of faith that we should both come together thye villian and the victim.
I don't want to be the victim forever thats why I went to therapy to try change my way of thinking and better myself.
I agree with you hankster that I cant confront T like i can't confront my mother even though its what T encourages. I just feel so sad right now, I am so dissapointed that T did this and she listens to me while I am so heartbroken and asks me the sordid details of how I found out about the affair and all the while she was probably thinking oh thats what i did wrong in my affair.
I really liked this T before and now I wont be able to look at her again. How dare she sit there and tell me everything will be ok