Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

I haven't been able to email you... Like I usually would. So I'll write the email I would have sent you here.

I miss you. A lot. I think about you all the time. My heart aches for you. I feel bad for wanting u so much and thinking about u so much. It hurts me because I know that I can't expect you to think about me or care about me as much in return. It makes me feel like what's the point of all of this... I read on here about ts who have motherly countertransferance, and it makes me jealous. I wish we had that. Then I feel bad for thinking that. It's this bounce between desire, and then shame for thinking those things.

I feel so angry at you. Im so mad at you for doing this. Right now. I'm mad at you for telling me that I should invest more time into RL relationships, when u leaving is just proof that people are unpredictable and will leave u. Im mad at you for throwing this wrench into our relationship, at a time when it was finally smoothing out. Im mad at you for breaking through to me and then hurting me. I want to never see u again. I want u to go away and not think about me ever again.

I'm mad at me for letting u get that close. I'm mad at me for letting this affect me so much. I'm mad at me for being so vulnerable and needy. I'm mad at me for trusting u. I'm mad at me for listening to u... I'm mad that u make me cry. Im mad that I spend so much time thinking about u, agonizing over things you've said, wanting u. I'm mad that u have so much control over me.

And it's back to feeling bad about thinking and feeling these things. It never ends.

Dear T,

So I text you and we arranged another appointment for this week. I'm now so worried that you're annoyed with me for texting you on a Saturday or for rearranging.

Please be nice to me later.

"I'll call you tomorrow morning to schedule an appointment."

I've heard this lie so many times from you, and Friday you didn't even show up to our session.

I arrived to a locked door and a guy that couldn't even answer his phone or actually cancel in advance.

It was on a day that I really needed you and was incredibly anxious. Luckily, I guess anger kind of overtakes anxiety, and I think that's what helped me make it through the weekend, so **** you and thanks for "helping" at the same time.

you said i would hear from you... i havent in days... i am beginning to get worried about you. maybe you wrote that first day or two because you were still on painkillers and feeling ok. but now, maybe you are in pain. and thats why you haven't been in contact. I hope thats not the case. I just want you to feel better and come back.

I feel really abandoned, small and forgotten right now. And I know it's not your fault. Which only makes me feel worse. Cause I'm like the never ending pit that needs more attention, time, and energy than anyone can ever give. I'm trying. I really want you to know that. But I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on. I really needed to talk to you today. You cancelled last minute. I know you rescheduled for tomorrow.. but that doesn't help. Its just making me feel worse. I wish you would just let me die.

Are you f***ing kidding me with that response? I slapped my laptop closed as soon as i saw it. i wish you hadn't said anything.

Dear T,

I know that issues come and go and life ebbs and flows but I am SO terrified that my old behaviors will arise now that I'm my new position at work. Tomorrow I have an ARC/HUD inspection at my group home, a staff development committee meeting, and a client rights committee meeting. I have constant deadlines for paperwork. Then there's the people I have to interact with on a daily basis. I don't mind my clients, it's staff and coworkers.

I liked being a professional/technical sort. I don't think I'm cut out for, inclined towards, or interested in management. I'm just afraid. I already made a mistake last session where I wasn't thinking. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of backsliding. Help me.

Much love,
Chopin

Thank you for cheering me up. And I won't forget that you owe me $5 if'n we go over the fiscal cliff!

Dear T,
I am trying to focus on what works...and trying to do that...and it's working.
Me

Don't beat yourself up... It's ok to have these emotions. hang in there! Tomorrow will come sooner than u know it!

Intense session, Steve. Intense session. I knew it was coming, but not fun dude.

I wish I could hate you. But I won't say that because if I say it, I will nvr be able to take it back. But I'm thinking it. You ruin it all. U make my life so miserable. all this has done is stress me out and hurt the work we have done. My OCD is eating me but I am too annoyed to care. In the 1st time since beginning therapy, I feel like how I felt before I began. Awful and frustrated. And alone.

Nothing good came out of this. There wasn't any "oh look how strong I am that I can do this". No "look at how well I am doing". Nothing. The only good thing is that you won't be able to go skiing this winter. But I guess it doesn't matter. Because right now I could care less where u went. You might as well be gone forever. Because that is how it feels right now

I found out what has been going on with you... I feel so sad about your divorce... I feel responsible for it... I have acted out so much with you... and you were there over and over again-- every time I called. No matter what time it was-- you were there for me.
It must have been partially my fault. I rattled you. You lost containment of your emotions with me. I actually enjoyed that someone could care enough to be rattled and that someone as well put together could lose it over ME. I will never forgive myself. I will pretend to get better and better for you. It's the least I can do. I care enough to do that. There was never any hope for me. You, on the other hand, deserve to feel accomplishment and gratitude. You will find love again. Your heart is too kind and mind too wise to find the lonliness I have dug in to.

I am glad you told me it's okay to get attached to you; that you are here to help me learn trust and acceptance. I knew it must be normal, but I wanted you to tell me it was okay. Also that you will be there to help me when it's time to get unattached from you, and that many others have done this and survived.

Dear T,
you sounded shocked when i said yes to the appt on friday, like you just threw it out there, knowing i would say no, and then i f'd you up.. if it is meant for someone else, just call and change it. i won't mind one little bit. just thought i'd say

Surprisingly, I feel like I can tell you anything and you won't judge me, unlike my last T. You're the best ever! OR AT LEAST THE BEST RIGHT NOW! lol

I feel for you. I know these feelings exactly. You've put them into such clear and expressive words. Thank you for describing those feelings in such a way. It's like a mirror of exactly what I feel and wish I could say. Hope your rescheduled appt. goes well today. Can you bring your post to your session? Would you share it with your T?

Hi fallenembers, I wish I could... but... I can't. I'll try to tell her though. In person. I hope I don't forget how to speak. That happens sometimes.

i miss you. still nothing. its been about 3 days. i am getting worried. you were able to contact me the day you got out of surgery, so i know that you can. but i dont know why you aren't. i am trying to be patient and not overthink this... but i am afraid something went wrong with your recovery. and im also afraid that you are abandoning me.

i got a 75 min lecture from ms m today about how I am slipping. i dont need her to tell me that. I know it already. I can't put my life on hold just because you are gone, but that is what is happening anyway, and that is why i am getting behind in all my classes.

I want to stay on top of things so that I can prove you wrong. because you thought this might happen. and i hate it when you are right (u usually are)

dear T,

(You notice i don't call you T2 any more. you are my T.)

The depth of what I owe you... my gratitude for your patience and skill... I will never be able to convey.

i hope to hear from you before our session thursday.

Miswimmy she's probably resting, surgery takes a lot out of a person!

Miss you. Whether I'm meant to or not. I wonder if you've thought of me... I don't know whether to hope you have or you haven't.

I hate that I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by staying or going. I hate that I have to try and interpret what you say and do, that you can't just tell me...

I hate that we couldn't sort this all out before this break. I hate that I can't relax and hold on to the connection, because I'm not sure it's there. I want to believe, T.

I forget how to speak too. A lot.

Thank-you, for telling me it's not my fault.
Thank-you for not calling me to re-schedule.
Thank-you for telling me you wanted to re-schedule when you had to cancel.
Thank-you for telling me to call if my appointment is canceled.
Thank-you for thinking of me outside your office.