Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how (Part V)

Hi Milly. My T has forgotten quite a few things that were so important to me (even though she's usually very good at remembering everything). The forgotten things always felt so hurtful, particularly when I was relying on what she'd forgotten. From the years I've seen her, I've learned that her forgetting an arrangement is not the same as her forgetting me altogether. I know it feels like it must be about us, if they cared they would not forget something so important. It's really not that though, and forgetting to do something doesn't mean you're forgotten altogether and not cared about. I hope you're able to talk about this with your T and that it helps. I know it's tough.

Thanks Nightlight. I appreciate this. You are right. I need to talk to him about it and the way I have been feeling towards him lately. It has been hurting me too much.
I think my feelings for him are derailing progress. I've been trying to manage this 'love', 'transference', 'crush' on my own for so long. When he forgot to do this particular thing that he offered, it hurt me way more than if a friend or family member forgot, for example. Of course with them I would have casually called and reminded them by now too, but...of course that would make me a nuisance to my T.
I was reading some of your posts and hope things go well for you at your next appointment. Thanks again for writing and for your insight. I erased my post just before seeing your response because I went back to re-read what I wrote and just got more upset. But your response really helped me feel better and understand better.
Milly

I too have a much bigger reaction when it's from my T compared to other people. I don't really care if other people ignore my texts for example, because they are too busy. For me it's also part of the attachment process I think. Because I missed out on someone being there when I needed it, I've now needed my T to really be there. So I don't think it always needs to be compared to other relationships like friendships, depending on what you need from therapy. Your feelings might not be getting in the way, but they may be an important part of the process for you both to work with. But then, I'm not really sure, as I imagine it's quite an individual thing for each of us. Good luck though. I know it can feel heartbreaking at times. Thanks for wishing me well. too. Such a tough time at the moment!

T,

Can't we sort this out somehow? Can't you go back to believing in me like you used to? Where did your patience go? I know I've made it difficult, but it's not like I sat around not improving all these years. I've done so much. I don't want to lose you. Don't you know, I like you for who you are, all that you've shared of yourself, not just for what you can do for me? I don't want to lose that person. Despite everything, I think she's...worth knowing. I love her. I respect her. I want her to return to being the person who will get me through this.

What does happen after the end? What are the rules and boundaries then?
Do you realise if we make this a break that I'll probably never make it back to you?
Do you realise that wrapping up four years so suddenly in 50 minutes is heartbreaking and impossible?
How long before you delete a former client's details from your phone?
Would you be repulsed by hugging me goodbye? Will you read that it's what I want and still not offer? I think that's most likely.
Will you actually be sad? Perhaps you'll just feel sad that I'm sad.
How quickly do you think you'll (mostly) forget all about me?
Do you care about me? Why wouldn't you think of me in a life threatening situation if we were together?
Will you be gentle with me?
Will you realise that the reason I'm crying and so distressed goes far being "she's just processing things"?
Do you realise this will be the biggest loss I've had to survive?
Do you realise that I can't do this and that even though the sessions are causing me pain that I have absolutely no other support?
Do you realise that the pain of leaving will be immeasurably greater than the pain of working through this?

Dear T,

You said we need an adult conversation next time we meet. For me, whenever someone says they want to talk, the outcome is bad only now I've just realised I can't see you the day you asked me to. I'm scared you'll be mad and think I'm avoiding you (I probably would avoid you but I have genuinely made plans) don't hate me

T

See you tomorrow.

And since it won't happen in person...

Dear T,

I wish you had contacted me. I know rationally there was no need to, you were busy, I wasn't on your mind etc. etc. etc. So why does it still hurt?

Dear T,
I wish I could go back in time and not reach out to you today. Now I feel much worse than I did before. If you didn't want to speak with me, I wish you would have let me know that rather than us having such a terrible phone call.

Things are so hard and painful right now and I keep thinking that we should stop working together. I don't know what to do anymore.

Dear t,

I feel like I need a second therapist just to deal with the rejection you put me through. You told me to contact you as I liked and I did email you, and then text you to let you know like we decided would be appropriate. I just don't understand why it's taking you SO long to respond. You can't say that you'll be there for me and then not be. You're making me feel worse and causing my anxiety to skyrocket. So much for contacting you when I want to SI because you would always be too late for that. Glad I don't need you or anything. Oh wait I DO.

Now I'm obsessing over whether or not to text you again to read my emails which I think would concern you if you did, but whatever, take your time.

Oh, and F**K YOU.

Nomad

Ex T,

Yes, you are still affecting me. To end 7 years of counseling in 25 minutes, with only an insincere take care as you closed the door behind me. For not being there for me and telling me not to call, when I called you after attempting suicide. When you previously wanted me to call you under those circumstances. For giving up on me and never really caring about me. For only wanting to work on the "happy" stuff and never allowing me to talk about the years and years of abuse. For judging me and dropping me when I needed you the most. For punishing me for not getting better fast enough. For never even having a second thought about me.

I say this with all the sincere hatred I have for you: "F**K YOU!!!!!!"

Nightlight I hope it goes well for you.

Thank you so much. I really don't think I'm okay. I don't think I will be. I don't know if I want to be? I'm not sure how much longer I'll be able to take anything in, so thanks so much for saying something while I still can. It means an awful lot.

Dear T, my life with my son is falling apart again. i do not want to go in and talk about it. we are on a break. if i make it through this on my own, without your help, then i know for sure, i don't need you anymore. therapy is suppose to help, hurt and heal. all i have been feeling lately is ignored and hurt. not even feeling accepted, or safe. not a great combination.

I understand and relate to this feeling, Nightlight. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Dear T:
I cancelled last week and this week because I am afraid of what you will see and I am not in a space to accept anything. Hope you understand that I can't talk with you right now but did send you a letter that expalins my fears, lonliness and sadness and the fact that I am afraid of how well you see through me. I am hoping you take the letter at face value and not try and make me deal with it. I do miss you, but fear your insight.
Thanks for being so compassionate and understanding and I hope shutting you out will not cause you to want to end with me.

Dear T. I need you, I miss you. I feel really lonely. I miss my Dad showed my kids Orion tonight and remembered him. Wish he could have met my children. T someone told me about having bridges to stand on when their T is not there. I don't have a bridge. So what happens when you kick me to the curb? And I hate needing you so much. Work together get overwhelmed, take a break and sink. What a waste.

If I'd have known how intense this would become, I seriously don't think I would have continued working with you. Sometimes I wonder if I left you, started over with a new therapist and was much more diligent about not getting so close to them, if I would have an easier time. I fear this would happen no matter who I see, though.

I wish I could be like the people who go to therapy, do the work, but don't care all that much about their therapists and manage to not make it be about that relationship.

Dear T - I hate myself right now. I'm struggling so badly. I'm angry and frustrated at myself and so very tired of dealing with this crap. I was going to send you an email, but the thing is, I know what you'll say. You'll ask me to be patient with myself, to be kind to myself, and that we can talk about it in session. I'm tired of trying to be patient and kind with myself...I don't really know how to do it. Right now, I really just want to vanish from the world around me.

Dear T,
you confuse the hell out of me!!! why did you call? just because my name isn't on the schedule???? and then no opening for ten days??
i am going to give you one more try... and if it doesn't work this time, it will be our last, and i will tell you i am not coming back.

i cannot go to therapy and get beat up. there needs to be safety, and acceptance.. and maybe a little bit of hope.

i will try. i will share. i will talk. you must be nice, not mean. let me talk about what is important to me. and i don't want to hear about your wife, or other clients. i am not them, i am me. sorry. for the time being you are stuck. balls in your court. please don't hurt my feelings because then no matter what you say, it feels like you hate me or are trying to teach me a f'ing life lesson. thank you.

I'm kinda pissed at you today. You've fallen from your pedestal - people said this would happen. It's probably a good thing but I feel kinda empty because I made a big space for T in my life and now I feel like that was a bit of a waste of space when you don;t actually care about me. It's just a job for you, you're bored of me, you feign interest in what I say but you are really just looking at the time thinking about what you're going to have for dinner. I'm surprised you keep track of anything I'm saying, I'm sure you're bored of all of it. I know I am. I was so excited last week about T finally working. I was so glad yo have found you and that you could help me. But now I just feel blah. I was drawing you close, now I'm going to push you away again. Nice work.

Dear T, i just cannot do it. i cancelled the appt. i feel like i have won a battle, but lost the war within my soul. call it self-preservation. but to go and not get help, and get beat up, hurts way too much. i need to know that you care, cause right now all i feel is like i am taking up too much space, and need to disappear. i know i can never be good enough, all i wanted is to be me. i am thinking that is way too much to ask for... depression sucks!!!!
i think you can help me, but i think right now you want me gone more than anything.

Dear T:

It is getting bad again, really bad. I just got over a depression at the end of August, and now I have another one starting. Today I was *****y with my friend all day and just irritable. Then I just started crying for no apparent reason. I have been hurting myself again, and I really want to drink. I hope I tell you all of this on Thursday when I see you.

Dear T,
guess what? When I said that I don't want to be comforted when I'm crying or otherwise displaying sadness, I was lying. Could you please let me know telepathically whether that is an appropriate thing to bring up, and if it is, help me do so? Or should I just forget about it?

Dear T,

I am afraid you will die before I can finish talking about this stuff. I know I'm being ridiculous but I would be devastated if that happened. Most likely I'll die before you but one never knows. I wish I could have told you some of this last year or the year before.

Are you going to help my parts heal? I've told you everything so you could do that. I felt something when I put my head down and wanted to hide. SHE was really there and I wanted you to talk to her. I know you want ME to talk to her. I did. I told her she is all right because I'm an adult now, and she's just a part of me. You wanted me to tell her that she was normal, I think.

It's hard for me to deal with these feelings. I want to share more with you, and do SE or whatever you want. I hope next week happens and that you're not sick, and that I'm not out-of-town. Or, that I can wait if I have to. But please don't die!!

Love,
rainbow

Dear T,

I spend way too much of my time missing you.

Me