Awful email response from T

Had a lousy session yesterday so afterwards I wrote T an email giving her advance notice that I was unhappy about it and wanted to talk about it in next session on Thursday.

She replied with a typically brief message, but the content of her message has really spun me out and I wondered what you guys think of this. Here’s what she wrote:

I’ve put the lot in to give context, but the highlighted bits are the ones that put me into meltdown last night. I feel marginally better today but I have to say that my immediate and lasting reaction is that she is saying she can’t help me, that she doesn’t know what to do, that her comment about ‘keep on trying’ has got to be the least reassuring words I’ve ever read, and that she’s making me responsible for her doubts and feelings about my therapy.

Mainly I feel like I’ve lost all confidence and faith in this T – I’ve managed to coast along for the 38 sessions we’ve had so far by suspending my own reservations about her incompetence and lack of attunement, and by blindly assuming that as she’s the experienced psychologist, she does know what she’s doing even if I don’t see it. Now that blind faith has been blown right out the water and I’m really struggling with seeing myself being able to continue with someone who by her own admission doesn’t know what to do to help me .

It’s how it’s making me feel that’s the issue, like I’m totally unfixable, that even a highly experienced highly trained clinical psychologist can’t seem to find a way to help me. And that I’ve let myself be conned again into believing this person could help me and all along she’s been tippy toeing around me and not being up front and consistent – I feel really betrayed and backstabbed here. Does anyone get that? Does anyone understand why I feel that way?

And oh yeah, the ‘I apologize IF’ really gets me too – she’s not big on taking responsibility for her part in ruptures in therapy, there’s always a defence or an explanation or at best an I’m sorry IF… I really don’t like how this is shaping up. Help, I’m feeling really bad here

Torn

Torn, ouch this is painful!! Forgive me if I don't know but how long have 38 sessions taken? could be 8-9 months, or twice that long. And is this the first T you've seen? with T1 it took me more than 9 months just to open up.

Yr T has given you some valuable comments here. Instead of you just wondering wondering wondering, she has given you some solid statements that the two of you need to explore together if the work is going to go well.

What I am sad about is seeing how hard you are beating yourself up with this
>> I’m totally unfixable
>> even a highly experienced highly trained clinical psychologist can’t seem to find a way to help me.
>> I’ve let myself be conned

this is all pain talking (and is very understandable). I hope that you can turn to other things and let this session & email process internally for a few days, and not spiral out over it.

I would suggest that the "if" is simply a turn of a phrase, I likely would not attach too much meaning to it.

The "trying" might give me more pause however.

I think one of the most powerful tools a therapist has in their arsenal is the ability to instill hope. There has to be hope that things can get better.

This ability trumps all others I think.

IF you leave this therapist's sessions, on some consistent basis, feeling hopeless, then it may be time to move on.

I kinda agree with sawe. I pretty much yelled at my current T for the first 2 or 3 years and thought he was an idiot. Except he was my 5th T, and I was behaving with him the same way I had with previous Ts. So by then, I had to admit, it wasn't them, it was me. Only I wasn't ready to admit THAT!! So I blamed the process, and tried to learn as much about it as I could. I've been thinking lately of all the stuff I felt I couldn't tell my T, because then what would they think of me?? I wish I had said it all much sooner. Maybe that's not your problem, but whatever it is, if you solve it, and then she still feels like she's walking on eggshells, yeah find someone more assertive. Whew!! Sorry it took so long to find my way to being supportive..

For me, I said No Everytime my T said anything, but it was automatic and I didn't realize it. Finally we worked out a thing where he stopped and got my attention and got my sympathy ahead of time so I wouldn't disagree with him. But otherwise - I was just acting like my mother, being disagreeable. And he was walking on eggshells I suppose. But it took him stopping and saying "now this is just off the top of my head but..." And it fools me every time!!

I'm sure that email would have upset me too, and I do understand why it's upset you. I wonder if you understand why your therapist feels that she has to tip toe around you? What happens if she doesn't? If it's just because you're not ready to be pushed, then I think it would have been kinder to word it in another way. I'd prefer to know that my therapist feels the need to be gentle and patient with me as we work towards something, if that's what it takes. So personally I'd feel upset about the walking on eggshells comment because I push myself pretty hard and try my best and sometimes I just need support.

That said, I was very, very hard to help initially. I think therapists work their way forwards as they lean what best helps us in the same way we learn what best helps us. They can guide the way forwards because they've seen what helps others, but we all react so differently. My therapist definitely worked slowly towards what helped me. There were many times I didn't know what I needed. There were times when she didn't know and she told me she was stuck, she told me she didn't know what to do to help me or where to go from there. I felt awful when she said things like that. I felt like she'd given up on me and wasn't going to help me any more. The truth was that there were times when we were stuck and she didn't know how to help me or what to do. It didn't mean that she gave up on me or stopped trying...and she helped me a lot in the end.

Only you will know if you have faith in your therapist's ability to help you or if you feel she is competent enough. I've found it's been really helpful when therapists are upfront like yours has just been (now), as much as it can hurt. Sometimes it really gets things out on the table and from there you can openly discuss what hasn't helped and what needs to change and whether it's possible to find a way forwards.

Standing from a distance, it sounds like your therapist feels that every approach she's taken hasn't worked for you, however, she's willing to keep working towards finding what works (if that's what you want). You're definitely not unfixable. To me her apology sounded genuine. It sounded like she's acknowledged that many of her efforts haven't helped you and that if the thing that really didn't help this time was saying too much, then she really was sorry for not helping you by doing that.

Thanks SAWE. I see this T twice a week, so it's only been a few short months but intense all the same. Sadly she's not the first T I've seen (ironic laugh there, as I've seen many many Ts in my lifetime).

Thanks for the suggestions because though I have another email all written and ready to send, I'm aware that I'm reacting now out of an intensely negative emotional state and it's quite possible that my own projections and fears and past patterns are operating here. So I'm holding off sending my second email until I've had a few responses here and maybe seen different aspects that others could suggest. Can't follow your advice about not spiralling though, way too late, I've been going round and round the spiral since last night .

To be honest, my whole being seems to think that this T has just pulled the rug - I have this sense that if I override my negative feelings about her and go ahead and keep trying to trust her, I'm repeating an extremely destructive past pattern - continuing to have faith in an adult/authority figure who actually destroyed me. It terrifies the hell out of me!

There was a time in the first year or so of therapy that my T admitted he wasn't sure how best to proceed because if he seemed to push me at all, I dissociated; if he didn't intervene, I dissociated. I didn't leave him much margin for error.

At first I felt hopeless hearing this. I certainly didn't know what to do, and I felt incapable of doing anything different even if I'd had an idea.

But as we kept talking about it, I came to see that I had to make a conscious decision to make a space for the unknown. I had to trust that my T would be able to contain any feeling that might result from our interaction. And that I wasn't there to be acted upon--that the process would only work if I were willing to be a participant in creating it.

It was scary. But it was also how we both learned where my boundaries were, what I could handle, what was helpful to me.

But I had confidence in my T. I don't think I could have done this without it. I'm not sure whether your long-standing doubts about your T can be worked through enough to take such a risk. That would be a hard place to be.

this was exactly how I felt when T and I had that big rupture - it nearly killed me to stick with it but somehow I managed it (one of the biggest factors, I know, was the PC community support!!) and boy am I glad I did. It may not work out the same for you but I hope so.

Thank you too Elliemay. I'm glad you can see how the 'trying' comment could be so painful - you are so right about the tool of hope, and that's what this email response from T has ripped away from me. Right up until I got the reply, I had this blind faith in her ability to help me, that so long as she was confident in her ability and held hope for me, it would be ok, I could complain and whine and feel bad and hopeless and despairing and all the other things I seem to feel on a permanent basis and she was ok with that, she still kept the faith that I could be helped.

Now she's taken that hope away . And made me feel I don't know what to call it, something awful, for having foolishly believed she knew how to help me... I really do feel utterly unfixable at the moment - comes of having seen too many therapists over too many years to have any faith left that there might just be the 'right' one out there who finally gets me

has she? what you posted here was "I will keep on trying to work with you and provide an experience that is healing. I appreciate your feedback before thursday and it will help me to prepare better. "

that sounds very positive actually.
remember... (soapbox coming) when you are upset DO NOT MAKE A CHANGE. Wait for a time of peace.
I am wishing you peace!!

I think her words really triggered a big reaction for you, but she's speaking of hope and thinking of the future. She wouldn't be trying to help you to have a healing experience if she thought you couldn't be helped. If she really thought that then she wouldn't be trying.

Hankster I read what you say about your T and your therapy with great interest, I love to hear about it. What you're saying here makes a heap of sense to me. I keep telling myself it's not likely that I'm the one seeing person in the country of the blind (as in terms of having a series of crappy Ts) so I'm usually looking to myself to see what I'm doing wrong, how I'm contributing, how my patterns are repeating themselves with each new T.

What I like about what you said, stuff you felt you couldn't tell your T and wished you had much sooner, well, I make no bones about telling my Ts just about everything I can think of, both about me and how I'm experiencing the therapy, but the one thing I haven't been 'allowed' to do up to now, is express my anger at them (been terminated for less!) So maybe that's what I should do now, go ahead and send my hurt and angry second email to T, and take the risk that if she can accept it and not throw her hands up in horror and tell me she can't work with me (for whatever reason) then maybe that will be the making of this therapy.

Or not.

Thanks so much NL for empathizing and for pointing out all the ways in which my T might be actually being positive. What she's written really is just words on a page isn't it, yet I'm interpreting it in a certain way that you are seeing completely differently. It's very helpful to have these different perspectives, thankyou.

Ow I can't believe how painful this whole thing is, I'd kind of hoped that by now I'd have gotten on top of the awful rug pulled feelings, but it all seems to be settled in for the duration.

In answer to some of your comments, see the thing is, I absolutely know what I need – I haven’t been in and out of therapy for years, read every psychology and therapy book going, done so much intensive self awareness work not to have a very clear idea of the sorts of things I need from a therapist. And I’m not reticent about spelling out for Ts what I think I need from them. Only none of them ever seem to take on board what I tell them – partially perhaps because I come across as so apparently together and in control that what I’m telling them about me doesn’t match with what they’re seeing and so they just dismiss what I say… my constant refrain in ALL therapy is that I’m just not being heard.

So with this T, who had a completely different approach from all others – she’s CBT oriented for a start, which normally is absolute anathema to me – I thought that maybe she could lead the therapy, she could do her stuff, seeing as how her approach is much more interventionist and directional. And I’d stop having to dictate to her what I needed or how I thought the therapy should work. Well bugger me but here we are x amount of time down the track and it’s just a repetition of every therapy I’ve ever done, me talking round and round the houses, nothing actually getting done, and the T looking more and more useless and lost with each passing session. She’s not supposed to be like that, she’s one of these endless talking Ts, no silences or blank spaces, no focus on feelings, she’s banged on forever about her box of tricks, all the different types and variations of therapeutic approaches she could work with, yet I’ve not seen any of them. I’ve heard her talk ABOUT them, but I have yet to see her actually DO any of them with me. We’ve had the odd abortive attempt at starting EMDR, something I’d be quite happy to work at, but because I can’t do it (????) she just gives up after one attempt. Where’s the confidence inspiring in that?

Sorry I just went off on a rant. It’s obvious there’s a major issue in my therapy not just an isolated thing sparked by her ****** email response.

I'm still fence sitting right now, I really really want to believe the best about my T because the alternative is just not tolerable (which is why I'm spinning so badly ). My inclination right now is to send off my email and be done with it, probably quit come Thursday, because if I make 'I don't think this is working' noises, SHE gets hooked into it and isn't going to go out of her way to convince me she is trustworthy and worth staying with...

Ack ack ack

My T is always telling me it's helpful that I let him know x y or z. So I would tell your T what you said here about your anger, that you are aware of it. I had to tell my T that I was aware of saying no. He was probably aware of it long before I was. WaaaAaay long before, poor guy.

And thanks! Altho I'm starting to think we're weird!

The "if" thing would have set me off too.
The eggshell thing would not have really bothered me. I want them to be careful.

Absolutely spot on there NL - I am MAJORLY triggered, I think that's a great description, I don't often use that word but yeah all sorts of really heavy and intense stuff surfaced purely as a result of her words .

But do you really think she's speaking of hope and the future? I suppose you're right in that if she really felt stuck about helping me, she wouldn't be talking like that .

I guess I just see it as her being wishy washy and even in some ways retaliatory, why tell me how she's feeling at a loss, in an EMAIL!!!! that doesn't help me one little bit, and I even wonder if she said it deliberately as a means of getting back at me for criticizing the session. Why say it? I don't understand that, I really don't at all, despite all you guys helpful suggestions and interpretations

Thanks too Stopdog. I'm getting out of sequence here I'd better start typing shorter replies. I'm glad too that you would find the 'if' bothersome - I see it as not being apologetic at all, oh I'm so sorry IF you felt bad (meaning, it's all in your head I haven't done anything to 'make' you feel bad.) Had she said, I'm sorry THAT I kept jumping in', I'd have felt understood and supported.

I seem to be veering between wanting to believe she means well, to seeing her as the therapist from the seventh level of hell

Funny how you see the walking on eggshells comment as quite positive, I must go and think about that, maybe I can extract something from it to use on my own behalf (ie be appreciative about it, and make sure she continues to walk on eggshells - I suppose it's because she means it pejoratively, that it's a negative thing, and I've bought into that...)

Point taken, and graciously. Thank you . This sentence is very positive isn't it and I'm just not seeing it. Maybe she's just hopeless at written communication (well she's not so hot on the spoken either .)

I'm glad you got through your rupture and are doing good in T now (I must go and read up on your history, I don't remember it very well at the moment.) Thanks SAWE

I read the eggshell thing as her being aware of how easily she can get it all wrong. I think the therapist knowing it and being careful is a good thing.

If you try then you have hope and when you have no hope you stop trying. My T has spoken in the same way and still helped me in the end. Stuck now doesn't mean stuck forever. It does sound like a complicated situation with her mentioning things and not following through with them.

My experience has been that the most important thing in therapy is staying to work through these things. I hope that your therapist is actually competent enough to help with that, because it can be so healing. Perhaps it would be a good idea to try taking your letter with you to your next session where you can really discuss it openly and honestly.

I'd say most us (probably all of us) responding to you have experienced pain as a result of therapy. I certainly have as a result of my therapist's mistakes and really relate to the big feelings it can bring up. Not that long ago one of the many mistakes I felt that my therapist made was apologising for her mistake (forgetting to call me the first time in four years when I'd reached out in between an appointment and used the word 'desperate') by saying "I'm sorry you feel so hurt and angry". I was pretty annoyed when she tried to apologise for my feelings and not her mistake, in the middle of so many other mistakes.

I think if a therapist lets us focus on the reactions in brings up, if they work to fix what's wrong...or work to find a middle ground, and we work too...then yes, healing is still possible, even if you lose hope and even if your T stumbles to find a way forwards. I do think that a lot depends on their ability to help though. So it is reasonable to question their ability to provide help.

Sorry Feral I ended up on page 2 before I could get back here to reply in sequence, this does NOT mean that your post is last on my list of people to thank! Thank you

I admire the way you've been through your therapy and how you describe it and the whole journey really, so I try and pick over whatever I can of your story to apply to mine - just call me Magpie!

That feeling you had of hopelessness when T said he wasn't sure how best to proceed, that's how I feel now I think. Like, but you're the T and it's your job and I'm the sicko client yet you're making me feel like I'm unfixable and it's all my fault...

I'm really curious about what you're saying in the third paragraph above, are you able to explain it a bit more? I have some ideas but they are just guesses and I'd love some more chapter and verse on it, only if you feel like it of course!

I guess the confidence thing is the issue for me here. It's like not only have I lost confidence in my T, but it seems almost like SHE'S lost confidence in herself too. Oh I dunno I know I'm reading a lot into a few words but I just can't believe how incredibly badly her email has affected me... maybe it's time for me to go and do some psychodynamic connecting or whatever... It sure feels like stuff from the past, an enactment at the least.

Good point! Thank you, that makes a lot of sense

I read the IF in her note-- and I'd really want to see your email that you sent to her to understand it in context, as it's really not possible to get too much from just one side-- as her not being completely sure what she might have done that was wrong. She thinks it might be x and y, but she's not sure. I see her as wanting to apologize for the right thing, but she's not secure in understanding what the specific behavior might have been.

But if you don't feel that she's competent, which your words clearly indicate that is the case, and they have what I think is a demeaning edge about them, your T will feel this in session. As at least one person has pointed out, she is giving you valuable feedback. She consistently feels like she is doing something wrong, but isn't clear what it is. Which also ties right into her apology. And a t having a "lack of competency" is such a global assessment that indicates a level of black and white thinking that may permeate all your interactions with her. The other person typically experiences this as just general negativity but with little direction for how to change in the future to make things more positive.

The eggshells language is what people use to describe living with a partner who is emotionally explosive in unpredictable ways. It suggests that she feels big reactions from you at times that she doesn't understand how the reaction is tied to what's going on in session. It very well could be that she's incompetent-- I don't know, you're in the best position to judge that. But it could also be that you are harsh and reactive to not getting what you want in session, and aren't communicating well what is going on with you and what she can do differently to help you.

Thank you again NL. I've part quoted things you've said that I respond directly to, but I think your whole post has been really helpful. Thank you.

I remember now I meant to reply to your earlier post and got sidetracked, about how even your T talked to you about being stuck, and couldn't help feeling really bad on your behalf, that's got to be the pits, when your own T sits there in stuckness. All kudos to you for hanging in there and getting through it .

What you say about the most important thing is being able to stay and work things through, this is what really worries me about my T's words, she's been adamant from the start of therapy that she is a T who 'doesn't give up'. So I've believed her and assumed that no matter what, if only I keep going, things will work out eventually. So along she comes and starts making 'I'm not sure I can really help you' noises and I'm thinking, if I keep going regardless is she going to then kick me out because she really can't help me? That my pushing myself to just keep going gets sideswiped because SHE isn't going to keep coming, so to speak. So yeah, you've really hit on something major there NL. Thanks.

Wow about your T apologizing for your feelings - that's the same sort of chop logic isn't it - did she accept and understand how she got it wrong?

And yes, while it would be nice to assume the best about my T, as you say, an awful lot rests on T's being able to help, so I'm really questioning her ability right now and I'm not sure that there's any answer to my questions.

To make it all even more triggering, next session is our last for a couple of weeks, so there's an added pressure coming from that. Therapy sucks!

I am not saying this would work for anyone but me, but I would cancel the next appointment and wait the three weeks out. That way I get a sense of control over what I do and it gives the situation time to become more clear in my head. The first week can be a challenge to get through, but after that I don't think about it. I find pressure right before a break I did not choose does not work for me.