Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

No it's 1am here and there's no need to bother her now. I'm actually ok, still mad at her, but not wanting to harm myself anymore. Now I need to forgive her enough to do all my homework before the weekend.

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T,

Well, you keep insisting that you're okay with seeing me free of charge for a few months. And you say you won't let anything get in the way of our appointments. Do you even know what you are getting yourself into? I guess if you haven't figured it out by now, you are just too clueless or your rose-colored glasses are too dark. I am terrible and awful and not worth your time, and I am confused about why you can't see that. Instead of seizing the opportunity to take a break from having to tolerate me for a few months, you are choosing to see me free of charge. That's really confusing and scary to me. I feel like I will owe you and will have to pay you back somehow in the future. I know you won't say that, but I don't want you to get tired of me and resent me. I can't live up to the expectations I know you want me to. I will be a disappointment. I am sorry, for taking up your time and for being annoying. I don't deserve you.

Ok. I hope you can forgive her and accept that sometimes T's aren't perfect.

I'm sure I will, only needed to vent so I'd be able to sleep.


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Dear T,

I don't think there could ever be a better T for me than you. You are awesome and amazing and I agree that God did put us together for a reason.

I was walking in the mall today and smelled your smell (I don't know if it's your office perfume, soap or what) and it instantly made me smile and feel comforted. It was wonderful. I wish I had that smell on a pillow so I could feel comforted sometimes (not in a creepy way lol).

I know at some point we'll split up, even if just until I need you again, so i'm starting to understand now that I should just enjoy you while I can.

Thanks for helping me change my perspective about so many very important things.

Dear T,

I had a really bad day today. I looked for you everywhere I went. I just want you tell me it will be alright and hug me tight...

You were wearing my favorite outfit of yours and your new shoes were totally dapper. Can you please stop being so handsome? I'm trying to work over here.

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Dear old T,

I miss you so, so much. I know how stupid that is. I know you wouldn't believe me if I told it to you - you'd just say it's "anticipatory nostalgia" because I don't like leaving people behind. Maybe I don't, but I really, really miss you. Because I like you. Really. And I want to write something to you, but it might also make me crazy that you won't respond. I want to do something to make you happy about our time together, but I don't think anything I could do would mean anything to you. Even a letter on linen paper wrapped up in a satin bow. Because you wouldn't see the part of me that desperately wants you to like me and look back fondly at our time together, and the part of me that wants to do something nice for you that would make you smile. All you would see is the pathological part of me that's so insecure that I feel the need to do stuff like that...

Dear T,

Thank you for listening to me the way you did, despite my annoying, ambiguous whining.....I know that makes it hard to connect with me. I truly don't do it on purpose - my mind sucks But yet you never give up. Why is that? Some say it's just for the $$$.....but I don't think so with you.....I really don't. Even though I don't think you understand what I mean about feeling differently and like a different person, that's ok. Just that you want to understand makes me happy

Thank you for telling me it's ok about that one thing I didn't want to tell you. Thank you that you seem to get my implicitness, even though I know it's childish.

Without you, honestly, not sure how I would be making it right now. You've really made a difference in my life. The key will be holding onto it for dear life when I find myself reeling again. I appreciate you

Dear T, (talk therapist)

Thanks, for trying to remember the name of a person. As you did, you kept mentioning a place. I've been there, before...

-Me

HazelGirl, did you know that it's actually a part of the Ethical Principles and Code of Conduct for psychologists (which would probably be similar to other types of therapists, such as MSSW, LCSW, etc.), that they strive to do pro bono work? This is from the American Psychological Association's website:

Principle B: Fidelity and Responsibility
...........Psychologists strive to contribute a portion of their professional time for little or no compensation or personal advantage.

I think in general, most (not all) therapists are some of the best people in the world, regarding kindness, generosity, etc. So let your T give you this gift. Tell her your fears of how it might backfire down the road. I bet she'll reassure you.

Dear T,
All I can say is next session, bring it on.

I'm ready. I'm motivated. Let's do it.

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Thank you T. Thanks for understanding just how hard it was for me to tell you this ^^^^^ and for thanking me for doing so. It was bloody hard for me to tell........I wander why we didn't talk about the meaning of that? Probably because I totally diverted the conversation for fear of the discussion!! Maybe??

More work to do huh? Siiiiigh

Dear T,
I have never spoken of how much you mean to me. You have changed my life in so many ways. You have worked with me with compassion and understanding at all times. I cried in our last session for the second time in 5 years because I am so disassociative and can't function properly like a normal person. But I'm seeing breakthroughs. And that helps me , thank you.

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I know she's a good person, and that she isn't likely to ask for it back or anything. Part of it is that I am afraid she will start to resent me for it, even though it's only two months, and part of me just really hates taking anything from anyone. I feel like I already owe her so much, and yet she doesn't hesitate to give me more. I feel like she will realize I'm not worth her time because I can't give her back what she has given to me. And I am terrified that will cause her to hate me and abandon me. I feel like I am going to take too much and cause her to reject me, and that is freaking me out. I know it's based on my past and on my insecurities, but it just doesn't seem fair to her.

MJ--

I have such rage built up right now that I can hardly believe it, and I certainly don't know what to do with it. I utterly despise you.

I despise the parameters you've put in place, too, but I understand the need for them. What I don't understand is how you ever decided to handle their implementation in the way you have. Five years and it feels like you don't know a single thing about me. Or maybe what you know just doesn't matter to you?

Oh, and trying to have a conversation with you is like trying to discuss religion with a fanatic. If you believe all the tenets of the Bible literally with no room for anything else, no one else can ever make a point outside those teachings that will register as valid to you. Your training is your religion, which makes me think you're just scared or insecure, or maybe not as smart as you think.*

Oh, and sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar. Will you ever learn that?

I've acceded to your demands, but in doing so I doubt I'll ever have the trust in or respect for you that's needed to carry on fully with this work. The only blessing is that it'll be easier, now, to leave if I need to. You matter far less to me today than you did a few weeks ago.

--T

______________

*Not to disparage faith or religious folks...it's just a much more fluid concept to me than it is to some. Really I just mean it as an example of a closed system.

Dear T, I know it is not your fault that it snowed, but couldn't you have tried to get to work anyway? I really needed to have my session. I am hurting.

Dear T,

I am so annoyed with myself! Why can I not cry in a session? I can only cry when I am alone at home or in the car. I really want to cry in front of you, for you to see my tears, but they just wont come.

I'm too scared to go back next week.. Why do we have rupture after rupture?
I have no energy for this.

Dear T, I almost cried in front of you, I can't take this whole thing anymore. I sort of dread the moment I'll be able to really cry - we're going to need an ark.

And I'm glad I saw you before my exam. When I stepped into your office I got that unique sense of safety and comfort and when I started to talk I knew I wouldn't be going to meet any other T, at all. I just flipped out because you weren't answering to my stupid rescheduling text on top of that mess happening in my life.

T,
I'm scared. This is the first time I'll be in the room when you read about my psychosis. I'm okay now I promise.

Dear T,

I feel like I'm far more damaged than you realize. I ****ed up again tonight. I can't have relationships with people I thought about you today and realized I could just walk away from therapy and it would all feel like a distant memory or maybe even a dream. It's been over a year....that's all I feel? Really? wtf is wrong with me? I'm sorry, T. It hurts so much I can't hold it alone but I don't know how to not do that. I don't know what to do anymore. If I could just figure this out, connect all the dots and feel better, I would right away. I would turn back time a be a little child again and just.start.over. I would make it end better. But I can't. And that hurts far more than it should.

I can't stand myself.

Dear T,

I miss the way that when sessions ended with the T in high school she would open her appointment book, say "I'll see you at the same time in two weeks?" and that was it. I hate dealing with your receptionist, not that she isn't nice, but I don't know what to ask for. So I always ask for a month or so of appointments at the same time, a month in advance even, and they are all on random days because other people are booking too. I see you every two weeks, but this time it's almost a month since you had no openings for a week... When I finally got up the courage to ask if I could have a more regular appointment you just said to talk to your receptionist.

I feel like I'm whining. I miss you.

Dear T, thanks for your laughter today. I enjoy laughing with you even when it's at myself ha ha, you just know me so darn well I can't even get mad about it. It WAS funny how fast I changed my mind...

Dear T,,

I couldn't believe myself, today. Aside from becoming extremely VOCAL (when business manager called...even she didn't rip me, I FINALLY KNOW WHO GOT ME IN TROUBLE, FIRST TIME), over my distaste and displeasure...no, what I did, surprised even myself...

Not snarky, not rude....'yes,, ma'am', said, eyes lowered, think servant...yes'em, yes mum, yes ma'am...quiet, low voice, servant tone

-Me

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