[AllyIsHopeful]

Turns out there was an effortless reconnection between my T and I after a month of no sessions. Meaning I felt like she still cared and wasn't dreading seeing me...She actually showed a lot of happiness for all of my successes in the past month.

The problem...

I tried talking about my transference (or maybe real feelings. I'm honestly not sure) towards her. Because I'm human...I genuinely do love her and care for her because we have been through one hell of a year together. And unfortunately I have received special treatment many times. So normal human emotions aside...I am way too attached. I admitted all of this to her today...that this is the reason I took a month off, for myself. She agreed that it was a good idea but also a bad one because I still need to take care of myself and continue therapy, as I am struggling big time right now. She was not at all receptive to these feelings...She, right away (AGAIN), jumped the gun and suggested trying another therapist since this seems harmful to me. I got so mad. And felt so hurt. I finally lost it and flipped out on her. I asked her why the hell we couldn't just work through these issues together. That I should be able to be completely open and honest about everything, including feelings towards her. We should be able to work as a team to get through it and hopefully achieve a stronger relationship in the end. I told her it made me feel horrible that she wants to dump me on to the next person whenever things get too "real" for her. I also said I will have the same issues with any other T that makes me feel safe, comfortable, and trust.

I suffered from SI big time in December. She knows this. This whole month, not seeing her, suicidal feelings began to fade until they were not there anymore. I saw her tonight and came home feeling suicidal. Do I fear abandonment that terribly? I hate this feeling! Whatever it is! I feel like she is no longer my safe-haven and that I don't even want to go on anymore if that's the case. I can't imagine life without her in it. I only got through this month knowing I can go back at any time or call/text if I needed. To have it not be my decision? I can't handle it. I don't know what to do. I can't seem to pull myself together right now.

[someone321]

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this...

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

I asked her why the hell we couldn't just work through these issues together. That I should be able to be completely open and honest about everything, including feelings towards her. We should be able to work as a team to get through it and hopefully achieve a stronger relationship in the end. I told her it made me feel horrible that she wants to dump me on to the next person whenever things get too "real" for her. I also said I will have the same issues with any other T that makes me feel safe, comfortable, and trust.

I think it is great that you managed to say all these things - that was really brave but also very helpful I think! But what did she reply to it? Did she address it anyhow? Maybe her reaction made you feeling bad afterwards?

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

I saw her tonight and came home feeling suicidal. Do I fear abandonment that terribly? I hate this feeling! Whatever it is! I feel like she is no longer my safe-haven and that I don't even want to go on anymore if that's the case. I can't imagine life without her in it. I only got through this month knowing I can go back at any time or call/text if I needed. To have it not be my decision? I can't handle it. I don't know what to do. I can't seem to pull myself together right now.

I hate that feeling too... When I feel so bad after the session I just try to convince myself that I won't let my T have a control over me and my T cannot make me feeling so bad... Sometimes it actually works... I hope that you will feel better soon...

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by someone321

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I think it is great that you managed to say all these things - that was really brave but also very helpful I think! But what did she reply to it? Did she address it anyhow? Maybe her reaction made you feeling bad afterwards?

I hate that feeling too... When I feel so bad after the session I just try to convince myself that I won't let my T have a control over me and my T cannot make me feeling so bad... Sometimes it actually works... I hope that you will feel better soon...

Her reaction could have contributed. She kind of flipped things around out of nowhere and said I am free to talk about it and she actually encourages it. When historically she doesn't let the conversation go anywhere before saying she's causing me too much harm and no longer helping and maybe I should try someone new for a bit. She said the door is always open if I want to come back to her, but it hurts to feel like I can't freely talk about anything without fear of judgement or abandonment.
I know many people will wonder why I don't just leave...that this obviously isn't healthy. It's not that easy, though. She saved my life this year...literally. Several times. And she has been SO available to me with zero complaints- not once! Not many T's are like that! She is so rare! But it comes with a price. :'(

I can't stop crying I feel so dramatic but it's hard. It's hard feeling as if you love someone so deeply and all they will ever do is rip your heart out and walk away like everyone else.

This is what hurts the worst...If a seasoned therapist is making me feel this way, how can I ever heal and trust anyone? She is literally showing me EVERYONE will screw you over in the end.

[someone321]

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

Her reaction could have contributed. She kind of flipped things around out of nowhere and said I am free to talk about it and she actually encourages it. When historically she doesn't let the conversation go anywhere before saying she's causing me too much harm and no longer helping and maybe I should try someone new for a bit. She said the door is always open if I want to come back to her, but it hurts to feel like I can't freely talk about anything without fear of judgement or abandonment.
I know many people will wonder why I don't just leave...that this obviously isn't healthy. It's not that easy, though. She saved my life this year...literally. Several times. And she has been SO available to me with zero complaints- not once! Not many T's are like that! She is so rare! But it comes with a price. :'(

I can't stop crying I feel so dramatic but it's hard. It's hard feeling as if you love someone so deeply and all they will ever do is rip your heart out and walk away like everyone else.

This is what hurts the worst...If a seasoned therapist is making me feel this way, how can I ever heal and trust anyone? She is literally showing me EVERYONE will screw you over in the end.

That's tough... Normally we could hope that first session after so long break is never very "nice" but in this case it was actually a reason why you've decided to make a break... Isn't it that she's great when you are in a crisis (you wrote that she had saved your life) but when you feel better she cannot give you what you need or you want more than she can give you? I don't know - it's just an idea... Would it be possible to see two Ts for a short time? Like her every two weeks and one recommended by her if she really thinks that someone else could be better... Then at least she wouldn't abandon you and you could see if you prefer to stay with her or change T...

[AllyIsHopeful]

Actually I have never thought about it that way. Thanks for the new perspective.
I think crisis intervention is one of her specialties and favorite things to do. It was once my crisis died down that things went flat and she was basically like "what now?" Which is weird because I was not in crisis when I first began therapy with her. The reason I started was to cope with past traumas and help with current life situations. All of that made me spiral downward, into a crisis. She grabbed my hand tight and didn't let go until I was completely out of the hole...But once I was on solid ground I felt her grip loosen...A LOT.
My new insurance kicks in soon. Next week, I think. I will have to ask if they allow seeing two T's at once. I can't afford to pay out of pocket for a second one. I like the idea of "tapering" though. I don't necessarily have to leave but I could see what else is out there and maybe it will help me feel better about the decision. I hope so. Because I seriously worry about my mental state if she makes the decision for us.

[someone321]

I don't think that she would make a decision for you without your agreement in this case... But of course she can try to convince you that it is the best for you... For me it looks that she knows how to handle when you are in crisis but instead of keeping you out of the crisis she waits till you are in it again so that she could help you go out... If it is the case I am not surprised that she's so important for you! She cares, she helps, she's there for you etc... But I guess that you would prefer to not be in crisis at all than have a great help when you are already in...
I guess that it might be tricky to get two Ts paid by the insurance but maybe if it doesn't cost more than one T? And it would be only temporary to see which one is better for you... I know that it is not the best solution but I personally hate making so difficult choices and it would help me having all options "open", I could check another T but I still could come back to the current one...

[feralkittymom]

Hopeful, it sounds like maybe you equate the intensity of feelings in therapy with the level of caring. So in a crisis, everything is heightened and the bond feels tight and kind of exhilarating. But in between crises, the connection feels flat, maybe even broken. That intensity sounds like transference to me, but the work of therapy doesn't really happen in the middle of those feelings. And that kind of intensity is very de-stabilizing.

I think she doesn't follow through and talk about the transference feelings because they seem linked to harmful SI for you. She certainly doesn't want to facilitate in any way such harm; she really is taking care of you in this. When you weren't seeing her, you say the SI feelings went away. That seems like a really good indication that engaging those transference feelings at this time would do more harm than good. She doesn't want to see you stop your therapy work, but it sounds like that or switching to another T are the only options you're allowing her right now.

Is it possible that for now you could let yourself engage in your therapy work, but put the discussion of transference on the shelf? I'm not saying ignore it or fight it--just let it be?

Does any of this make sense? I know it feels powerfully like rejection, but I really don't think that's what she's doing.

[HazelGirl]

I wonder where your feelings are coming from. They're definitely transference, and so who in your past has abandoned you (or threatened to abandon you)? And how did that make you feel? Why is that feeling now being put on your T? A part of the goal of transference is to find out the origin of these feelings and work through their problems. The fact that it causes SI is a strong indicator that it is trauma-related and you need to find the root of why you feel this way. The problem your T is finding is that you get so destabilized whenever you bring it up. And so she can't really deal with it in the way it needs to be. So maybe this is something you have to think about and find the root of yourself before you can talk about it with her.

Also, she may be unskilled in trauma work or long-term care. If her specialty is crisis intervention, this may be a very difficult and uncomfortable situation for her, and she may know she isn't able to give you the level of care you need. It's not about abandoning you. It's about making sure you have the best possible care.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I don't think the intensity of feelings during crisis versus when I feel grounded differs too much. I have felt just as close with her when we had sessions where we spent the whole hour joking and laughing. It's everything we went through together that made me feel this way.
I know she specializes in depression too. That's all I started seeing her for initially. It was just talk therapy for a few months and she would try to break down my walls and build trust by sitting very close to me whenever I cried and reminding me I was in a safe place. It was all foreign to me because no other therapist has ever been that way.

She has texted with me for an hour at 130am before and never had a single complaint about me contacting her.
If anything she has harbored this transference the whole time by being limitlessly available and hanging out after session a couple times.
Then she flips and says "I'm just your therapist" because I think the realization of transference and that she may have screwed up scares her.

I'm not sure she knows how to deal with transference that's the only logical explanation I can come up with. I hope my insurance covers two therapists at once so I can see one about transference and to explore why I felt the need to lie to her, and simultaneously continue to see my T. The thing is she has helped me so much, she really has. My relationships, automatic distorted thinking, self worth are all so much better. I am able to love myself while I'm seeing her and I don't want to stop seeing her until I can feel that way on my own.

I am engaging in therapy completely and right now the biggest issue and pain for me is the transference. If I don't deal with it, it's going to make me nosedive into depression again. I panic over everything and she's aware of that so this shouldn't be any different.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Hopeful, it sounds like maybe you equate the intensity of feelings in therapy with the level of caring. So in a crisis, everything is heightened and the bond feels tight and kind of exhilarating. But in between crises, the connection feels flat, maybe even broken. That intensity sounds like transference to me, but the work of therapy doesn't really happen in the middle of those feelings. And that kind of intensity is very de-stabilizing.

I think she doesn't follow through and talk about the transference feelings because they seem linked to harmful SI for you. She certainly doesn't want to facilitate in any way such harm; she really is taking care of you in this. When you weren't seeing her, you say the SI feelings went away. That seems like a really good indication that engaging those transference feelings at this time would do more harm than good. She doesn't want to see you stop your therapy work, but it sounds like that or switching to another T are the only options you're allowing her right now.

Is it possible that for now you could let yourself engage in your therapy work, but put the discussion of transference on the shelf? I'm not saying ignore it or fight it--just let it be?

Does any of this make sense? I know it feels powerfully like rejection, but I really don't think that's what she's doing.

-Hope

[HazelGirl]

As painful as this is to consider, we do eventually outgrow our T's. Sometimes, it's into health and wellness, and sometimes it's into another T's care because they can provide some things that our current T cannot. Is she still actively helping you, or does it look like it might be time to find a new T who is more specialized to your current problems? What are your treatment goals for your therapy with her? Are you following those goals?

[~EnlightenMe~]

It sounds to me like your therapist doesn't know how to allow you to have your feelings, no matter what the cause, because when you tell her how much you need her, she tells you that maybe you should see another therapist. This is a nightmare for people with abandonment fears (myself included), and in my opinion, heightens emotions. What I'm guessing you are looking for is someone to trust, and bringing up the possibility that you might need to see another therapist because you are freely discussing how you feel is, possibly recreating whatever situation you may be enacting. You say she has really helped you in a crisis situation, but it appears that she is triggering a crisis, just my opinion. I stayed with my first long-term therapist for seven years and went through termination because of my fears, because he didn't know how to help me, and I ended up worse. I now work with a therapist who is helping me feel secure, not once has he threatened to leave because of how I feel. The first therapist tried to help, but with my current therapist, I feel like he understands me and knows how to respond to me in a safe manner. I hope you do look for other therapists, there is one out there who won't do this to you repeatedly. If you stay, I hope that you make sure that she knows how much she IS hurting you by how she is reacting when she tells you that maybe you need to see another therapist. Please keep us posted.

[feralkittymom]

I am able to love myself while I'm seeing her and I don't want to stop seeing her until I can feel that way on my own.

This^ feels somehow "off" to me. Not sure exactly why, but maybe something about not feeling that you own your therapy gains--that they exist only in the connection with her. I hope you can at least consult with another T to evaluate if you've gone as far as you can with this T.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I'm gonna need an explanation on why you posted this small part in bold, because I know it had a meaning. lol

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I am able to love myself while I'm seeing her and I don't want to stop seeing her until I can feel that way on my own.

This^ feels somehow "off" to me. Not sure exactly why, but maybe something about not feeling that you own your therapy gains--that they exist only in the connection with her. I hope you can at least consult with another T to evaluate if you've gone as far as you can with this T.

-Hope

[feralkittymom]

You mean just using bold font? Just a shortcut instead of copying the whole quote. It's too cumbersome for me to replace the codes that will make it clear as a quote.

Or is there more?

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I wonder where your feelings are coming from. They're definitely transference, and so who in your past has abandoned you (or threatened to abandon you)? And how did that make you feel? Why is that feeling now being put on your T?

Yes I have had issues with abandonment at several different ages and stages, from a few different people. I've also witnessed it more than enough with other family members (cousins) my age. I can see how those child emotions are coming out now, with my therapist. It's not something I am oblivious to.

Due to the unique nature of our relationship, it's hard to believe certain feelings are pure transference. She allowed us to become much closer than T/client.
I know she doesn't only do short term therapy, because she has mentioned another client (never discloses identity) she has worked with for 3 years already and he has grown tremendously out of his depression. She tries to use his situation as an inspiration, I guess. I got irritated and told her to stop comparing my situation to others' because it could never be the same and I will not allow her to downplay my situation because she feels she has seen worse.

I know it is being placed on my T because she is the same age as my mom. They happen to both be extremely well-groomed, the same height, pretty, with a good sense of fashion. So it is very easy to feel transference. However the one thing that isn't the same is her personality. I have built a relationship with her based on both of personalities being compatible. Since day one, before I even dreamed of going to therapy, I have been in school to be a therapist. She ignited the fire even more for me and became a role model...Someone I could see future self through...That creates a lot of hopeful feelings for me. She knows this. She knows she has become a role model and she said she is proud to be that person for me.

This is all just confusing. It's so difficult processing it.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

You mean just using bold font? Just a shortcut instead of copying the whole quote. It's too cumbersome for me to replace the codes that will make it clear as a quote.

Or is there more?

No I understood that part. Were you trying to reiterate that specific thing that I said for any reason in particular? Like it sounds unhealthy...or like a good reason to keep seeing her? Or good that I'm aware of it? I just wanted to know if there was something else you were trying to get me to see.

[AllyIsHopeful]

OH gosh! I was using Tapatalk on my phone when I read this originally and for some reason I did not see your note underneath my quote. My bad!
Yes, I do realize I need to see a different T for at least a few sessions. I've already proven to myself that I could go an amount of time without seeing her if I decide to, so now I'm certain that I will spend a few weeks to a month figuring this stuff out with someone new.

[AllyIsHopeful]

That's exactly how I see it. I am unable to be present and fully experience all of my feelings. It's like I have to pick and choose which feelings are "acceptable" to share with her. I know that is not right in therapy. I completely agree with this being a nightmare and heightening emotions. It is something that riles me up when we discuss it. That doesn't mean we shouldn't discuss it though. People go to therapy for issues that heighten their emotions....all sorts of issues. If the issue is fear of abandonment, for example, they should know at some point they will have to deal with the transference that comes with it and show the client that attachment/relationships don't always have to feel scary. It's actually a great therapeutic opportunity, in my opinion. Not something to say "oh this spins her off into crisis each time we discuss the matter, so we won't go near it...ever." That makes zero sense.
I am hoping to come out on the other side either seeing eye-to-eye with my current T finally, or finding one who could be what I need right now. I ultimately want to continue healing. I've come too far to allow my therapist to take that away from me...I can acknowledge that. It is the process of figuring this out, making a decision, moving on, and facing closure that is so hard. It's draining. She will definitely know how much she is hurting me. I have written almost a letter a day for nearly a month. There's about 25 pages of how I feel about the situation. Anger...extreme gratitude...neediness...attachment...peace...all types of emotion. She knows about them and is willing to read them when I am ready to give them to her.
I will update in the future. Thanks for the support.

Originally Posted by ~EnlightenMe~

It sounds to me like your therapist doesn't know how to allow you to have your feelings, no matter what the cause, because when you tell her how much you need her, she tells you that maybe you should see another therapist. This is a nightmare for people with abandonment fears (myself included), and in my opinion, heightens emotions. What I'm guessing you are looking for is someone to trust, and bringing up the possibility that you might need to see another therapist because you are freely discussing how you feel is, possibly recreating whatever situation you may be enacting. You say she has really helped you in a crisis situation, but it appears that she is triggering a crisis, just my opinion. I stayed with my first long-term therapist for seven years and went through termination because of my fears, because he didn't know how to help me, and I ended up worse. I now work with a therapist who is helping me feel secure, not once has he threatened to leave because of how I feel. The first therapist tried to help, but with my current therapist, I feel like he understands me and knows how to respond to me in a safe manner. I hope you do look for other therapists, there is one out there who won't do this to you repeatedly. If you stay, I hope that you make sure that she knows how much she IS hurting you by how she is reacting when she tells you that maybe you need to see another therapist. Please keep us posted.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

As painful as this is to consider, we do eventually outgrow our T's. Sometimes, it's into health and wellness, and sometimes it's into another T's care because they can provide some things that our current T cannot. Is she still actively helping you, or does it look like it might be time to find a new T who is more specialized to your current problems? What are your treatment goals for your therapy with her? Are you following those goals?

Honestly...We have never had treatment goals. I have never specifically set any and neither has she. Actually the reason it took me so long to start therapy is thinking "where the hell am I going to start? There's no good starting point. There's too much to talk about. What will benefit me most right now in my life?" It took me two years to attempt therapy, due to all of these thoughts. My depression had gotten so severe that I had no choice. I was literally facing a slow death. I believe it is her job to hear me out for a while and then determine what a few good goals would be for our time together. If I knew what would help and benefit me the most, I wouldn't need therapy.

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

....This is what hurts the worst...If a seasoned therapist is making me feel this way, how can I ever heal and trust anyone? She is literally showing me EVERYONE will screw you over in the end.

I have felt like you. Needing my T to be in my life somehow. Coincidentally, everyone has screwed me over! It's the worse feeling. No one can really be trusted.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I'm sorry to know you feel the same way. It doesn't feel good. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Originally Posted by Rivrboat

I have felt like you. Needing my T to be in my life somehow. Coincidentally, everyone has screwed me over! It's the worse feeling. No one can really be trusted.