Do you push/pull?

My therapist says she feels a lot of push/pull from me. She's mentioned feeling pushed out by me, like i close down and won't let her in at times.

The past couples of weeks have been difficult. And after we communicated by several texts she rang me to talk and told me she felt under attack by me that she feels me trying to push her away.

And i know i do it. I push and push until things break. I am pushing her to find her breaking point. I can feel myself doing this. Sometimes i'm aware of it, sometimes i'm not, and mostly i'm not in control of it.

Do other people do this? How aware are you of doing it? What kind of things do you do as a way of pushing your therapist away?

Main T said that in an instant I can shut down, before he even realizes what has happened.

He likened me to the Batmobile in the newer movies, with armor that clicks into place out of nowhere. Total shutdown.

are you aware of doing it?

Oh yes!!!! It has been awhile since I've done it but inside I can feel a no-win situation brewing. So I stop digging a hole and see if T can help me out of my conundrum.

Sometimes I can't do it on my own. But these days, I can ask him to clarify what he means before I jump to thoughts like "T hates me". Took me a long time to develop those skills.

What is shutting you down , do you think?

I'm more like GrowlyCat; T says I have an on/off switch that when clicked, I pretty much instantly shut down but we never know what the "trigger" is.

I've become more aware when I do it because she's made a point to make me aware of it. She'll ask, often many times in one session, "Are you shutting down?" It helped that she created a detailed space (look, feel, size, etc.) for where I go when I shut down - it allowed me to communicate most of the time if I was "in that space" or still present in the room (or in between).

She's said I've tried to push her away financially (i'm on a sliding scale and we debated because I wanted to pay more); she says i "test" her; and I know this past week when I cancelled it was me pushing her away.

Sometimes it's anger at something she's done, sometimes it's mistrust. Fear of attachment, fear of being too much...

Yes! mine says i test her too. She's passed pretty much everytime

Lol mine too; except I don't realize i'm testing her until she points it out. On one occasion she flat out asked "Did I pass the test?" Lol; although I think her asking annoyed me so she lost points

Like you - mine stems from mistrust, fear of being too much (in which she has told me that she can handle it), and fear of abandonment (which seemingly is a wound that will never be healed). Never really in anger though...though this past week was close (misdirected anger).

hahaha, again mine has often said is your anger misplaced? Who are you really angry at? And i'm like " friggen YOU and your profession dude! You're pressing my crazy button!"

The anger is due to a recent rupture we had. I haven't really directly expressed my anger at her, i just shut her out instead. I like my anger to fester

I guess my T told me the same thing today during session. She said it worries her about me because I'm an up/down person. She likened it to a roller coaster using hand motions going up and then down and then up and then down. I guess it worries her because it is not predictable in the slightest. Now, from your thread, I find myself thinking more about that comment and I'll probably think about it until next session when...hopefully...I mention it.

I'm sorry that things have been difficult for you lately. I'm early in recovery and trying to develop the same tools myself to be able to deal with things instead of doing this push/pull thing I do. I have been told by others that I feel my emotions very deeply...my T says I have very passionate emotions and that I'm exuberant..which I guess is a great way of putting it, but at the same time I believe plays a big part in this push/pull, up/down thing.

yeah i feel like i take myself and her on a rollercoaster.

I do the same push-pull, but I try to keep it to myself and pretend that things are fine. Because it's my own creation, things do end up being fine, but I miss the opportunity to work out what happened and why I pulled away (or pushed her away). And it can probably be confusing when I get into repair mode because I miss her (because I pulled away) when she has no idea there was any distance to begin with. So I become sort of clingy and reach out a lot to try to remind myself that she is right there and hasn't gone away. It's amazing that she is as steady as she is, because this would be a million times more difficult if she wasn't.

Never were more truer words spoken! This is totally me!

yeah i feel like therapists can sense our inner chaos and some might get lost in it. Disorientated as they try to follow where we are going in an attempt not to lose us and they end up lost themselves.

Not easy for them.

I feel I'm sort of in that situation right now, last session was difficult , vulnerable yet meaningful and she thanked me for opening up, which in turn made me shut down, go back to my shell.

I tend to push pull. Asia I think it's a defense mechanism of ours.

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Which is why I love that mine is so steady. Although she may not fully understand why I'm acting in certain ways, or saying certain things, she doesn't get "lost". She allows me to get reoriented and come back, rather than trying to "chase me down" or follow my logic if I'm not allowing her in. If she tried, I bet she would get disoriented. Instead, she seems to be okay with not really knowing what is going on and accepting the things I'm willing to say and show in the moment. There have been so many times I've been unable to explain what is going on inside me, and she has been okay with that. And other times where I know but am unwilling to say, and she has been okay with that.

I can't imagine the chaos that might ensue if she demanded all the answers and tried to always figure everything out.

6 yrs ago I saw my college counselor weekly (she was NOT a T). I often "test" people due to insecurities in order to be reassured. My counselor quickly caught on to when I was "testing" her. She started to call me out on it: "You're testing me again. Either you knock it off and tell me what you need or you can leave and come back when you're done testing me". It was very harsh and was difficult to accept. But it did teach me to recognize when I am "testing".

I now inform my current T when I'm "testing" her. She thinks it's hilarious because telling her defeats the purpose of "testing". But my insecurities still win over logic.

On top of "testing", I also have an on/off switch when "triggered". My T automatically knows because I just stop everything: talking, eye contact, being logical, etc. My T stops right away and tries to get me back. She's pretty good at getting me back...my fiance on the other hand sucks at it.

Hi-

To the members whom push/pull T...Do you do that to people in your real life..in your relationships?? I do. My behavior is instinctive, and I cannot control it..A close person to me will say something which i find offensive/disrespectful, and I SHUT DOWN. In my mind, the connection is lost, but I will carry on a superficial conversation w/ the other party. * sorry to hijack your thread.

Since my T QUIT, with out even notifying me, which HURTS, and I also find it extremely unprofessional...I found out the night before out next "session"...I might do this with the new one. I do not want to RELIVE the kast 6-7 months of T sessions...but I have no choice.

about me-I have been hurt by humans my whole life, including my mother. The only thing I trust at the moment is my dog. How I wish she could talk.

I can push/pull.... but usually it's just pulling away. I pull away at any tiny little things.

My T is getting better at recognizing when it happens in the moment. A lot of the time he changes the direction and tries to pull me back. Other times, especially if it's near the end, he'll calm things down and he'll wait for me to email him. He's actually told me a few times "Thanks for emailing.. I knew I was going to get one!". I email and tell him if something freaked me out, because for the life of me I just can't do it in the moment.

It's really, really, hard for me to try and make myself go back instead of just pulling away totally. But I do, and my T is really helpful at helping drag my butt back and face whatever upset me.

And yep, the same thing happens in my other relationships. I expect that I test a bit more there, but I try not to. Especially if it's an intimate relationship, I'm a lot more likely to try addressing what bothers me.

I think I do tend to push/pull in other relationships too; mainly friendships. When i very first started talking to T i told a friend about a "heated conversation" we had about her leaving me and no point in bonding with her etc. and my friend just said something like "...yep. She's definitely getting to see real Teal." Lol.

I know i test my friends and they almost always fail (except lately) but mostly because they don't even know they're being tested. BestieM says he fails his tests because we don't see each other face to face anymore and i can disguise everything else (tone, body language, conversation topic) quite well.

I think of what I do as more or an advance and withdraw. I'll suddenly be too embarrassed... and kind of shut down.

This made me laugh, tough love indeed.

Lots of people do this i see but what is it you actually "do" that is pushing and what is you "do" that is pulling?

For example I push by trying to irritate her, being defensive, not letting her help me and I pull (away) by shutting down, being unresponsive, not letting her in, deny anything is wrong. But I also see that i try to pull her *towards* me, trying to illicit a response, in order to try to get a need met, a need that i won't admit to being there. I want her just to knowwhat it is I need, i don't feel safe asking.

Yes, I do it with everyone.

And although it's okay to be hurting, I would advise you to try to avoid bitterness. It only hurts you and leaves you feeling angry and distrustful of the world. It doesn't benefit you or do what you think it does. It doesn't help you avoid this pain again, it keeps you stuck in it and reliving it over and over.

That is sooooo true ty for this!