[HazelGirl]

I feel sad, overwhelmed, anxious, and on edge today when I think about therapy. I know it has to do with the money problems I was talking about a week ago, and how my T offered me free sessions. But I don't know why it is causing so much anxiety and sadness. I want her to be there for me, but I don't want it to be at a cost to her. And I want to be able to talk to her about it without feeling like I might offend her. She hasn't been offended about this, so it's really just fears and projections, but it feels like a real possibility. I also feel extremely afraid, anxious, and sad about knowing I am going to continue to reject her help, unless she fights me a LOT. So I am looking at not seeing her for a few months. And that has me so anxious. I don't want to be abandoned, but I don't have a choice that is fair to her, and it's making me feel so ill to know that. I don't have any really strong support outside of her, and so I will have to spend a few months in a brand new place, surrounded by strangers and alone (I am moving, which is part of why I don't have the money for a few months), without her. And that's so overwhelming and depressing. I am a freaking adult. Why can I not deal with this? Why is this is difficult for me? I should be able to survive this just fine, and yet I have all these emotions and feelings and panic. I want to throw up and cry and throw things, but I am WAY overreacting. It's a two month break that comes as a result of dental bills and a move. I should be able to handle this, but I can't.

[Asiablue]

I would feel exactly the same way in your position. I do think you're being incredibly hard on yourself tho. Why should you be able to handle this? You are going thru a very tough time. And if your T can help with that then why go thru it alone?

[someone321]

Have you thought maybe why actually you "mustn't" take your T's offer? Why do you have so strict rules with it? Could it be that you just don't want to accept that she really cares and that she's not a T because of a good salary but because she wants to help people, she wants to help you and she cares about you? I don't know but I think that would be the biggest problem for me, that she could really care... When you pay - you are the boss, you can control when you come, if you come, if you want to fire a T etc... when T decides to do sessions for free, it means that she wants to do that...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I would feel exactly the same way in your position. I do think you're being incredibly hard on yourself tho. Why should you be able to handle this? You are going thru a very tough time. And if your T can help with that then why go thru it alone?

Because I can't pay her. And this is her job. It is completely unfair to expect her to do her job without pay, or even to accept that offer from her. She should not have to sacrifice for me like that. And I know I am being hard on myself, but it's how I have gotten through things in the past, especially difficult things. I could handle the difficult things of my life before her (although arguably, not well), so I should be able to handle them now. And instead, I feel like I am a mess and am completely falling to pieces. I can't stand this.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by someone321

Have you thought maybe why actually you "mustn't" take your T's offer? Why do you have so strict rules with it? Could it be that you just don't want to accept that she really cares and that she's not a T because of a good salary but because she wants to help people, she wants to help you and she cares about you? I don't know but I think that would be the biggest problem for me, that she could really care... When you pay - you are the boss, you can control when you come, if you come, if you want to fire a T etc... when T decides to do sessions for free, it means that she wants to do that...

I don't know if it's because I can't stand the idea of her caring, although that's a possibility. I think it's more because I feel like I should be able to do things myself. I should be able to handle life and manage my own problems. And yet, I can't, and so it's sort of a rebellion against my limits and weaknesses to do it anyway. I also just hate taking things from people because I feel like I will owe them something in return and I hate being indebted to anyone, and I don't feel worthy or valuable enough to accept such a gift from someone.

Your T is a big girl and wouldn't have made this offer if it was going to hurt her. Accept that kindness and don't turn it in to yet another stressor/crisis in your life. You have enough real ones in your life already, so don't manufacture another one out of your head when it isn't one in reality. Your T isn't stressed about doing this for you. For some reason, accepting kindness from others makes you want to run, but that would be counterproductive and create more problems. Do what feels counter to your reflexive response right now. Accept the kindness. Deal with the concrete stressors of moving and dental bills. Refuse to turn the kindness of another person into a problem (it really isn't one; it is a blessing). Continue to see your T regularly because moving will naturally be a time of added strain. You can do this. You don't have to talk yourself into a crisis over this. You can make a different choice.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Your T is a big girl and wouldn't have made this offer if it was going to hurt her. Accept that kindness and don't turn it in to yet another stressor/crisis in your life. You have enough real ones in your life already, so don't manufacture another one out of your head when it isn't one in reality. Your T isn't stressed about doing this for you. For some reason, accepting kindness from others makes you want to run, but that would be counterproductive and create more problems. Do what feels counter to your reflexive response right now. Accept the kindness. Deal with the concrete stressors of moving and dental bills. Refuse to turn the kindness of another person into a problem (it really isn't one; it is a blessing). Continue to see your T regularly because moving will naturally be a time of added strain. You can do this. You don't have to talk yourself into a crisis over this. You can make a different choice.

About the bolder part: Yes, yes it does. It sends me into a panic and makes me want to run as far away as I can manage. It makes me want to distance myself incredibly. And I think it's because I can't stand to owe someone anything. If I owe them, they control my life. They are the ones in charge. And I can't handle that. Every time others have been in charge, it has caused nothing but wounds and pain and resentment from them. Parents, friends, others who I have found myself "owing" in some way or another, has done nothing but hurt me. I want to be in control of my own life. I want to be the master and the boss. I don't want anyone else to take that from me, and this feels like a threat to that. Even though I wouldn't owe her anything on paper, I feel like I would owe her in intangible ways. And then I would be forced to "pay" when she is tired of me or angry and irritated at me. I can't give up that control to someone else ever again, and she is threatening to take it by her gift. That is unbearable.

[AmysJourney]

If I can give my two cents to this topic...
I want to tell you a little story.
10 years ago I was offered a place in a new private degree program. Only 15 people all over Europe were accepted and it was expensive, 14 hour days (so no way to work a job to earn some extra money) and it was very exhausting. I knew, I couldn't go because I was 24 and didn't just have the money that I needed for that on my bank account. But you know I am a Christian. (And sorry if this is inappropriate on this board but it's important to the story) Some of my friends thought that it was God's plan for me to go and take part in this program.
They told me - Go and God will provide.
Well, I decided to put that to the test and accepted and was ready to travel to the country and city the program was held in. I had to find a place to live, find enough money to pay my health insurance and living costs and on top of that the tuition costs.
At the airport, shortly before going through security I got extremely anxious. I thought - what the heck was I doing? I have absolutely nothing except the first month of rent.
I heard someone calling my name. I turned around and about 20 people, friends and acquaintances stood there waving at me. Everyone gave me an envelope with money with strict instructions to only open it when I had arrived. A couple I knew took me aside and told me they were going to pay the whole year for me, that they would put $1600 into my bank account each month. I was in shock and didn't want to accept it, it wasn't like they were incredibly rich or something. This was quite a percentage of their income. I cried and said no and felt horrible.
Then the husband said: It takes strength to accept a gift of money. It takes more strength to believe you are worth it. And it takes even more strength to believe that we do this because we love you.

I had an incredible year and got my degree and finished second best in my class. And I never had to pay back one penny, even though I felt I had to. But it was a gift.
HG, I believe your T is giving you a gift. And I think it will help you grow and heal if you accept it. Because, what if you don't? Then for two months you will miss her, you will be anxious, you will feel alone, you will carry burdens by yourself. But if you do accept her offer, it's a great opportunity to learn to accept that your worth it, that it's ok to accept a gift like this. If she offers, she means it. If she means it, she cares. If she cares, you can allow yourself to care back :-)
Don't beat yourself up so much over this, HG. You are a wonderful person, why would you not deserve this gift?

[growlycat]

Maybe you won't always be in the position of not being able to pay. If she takes you on pro bono, she can probably use it as a tax deduction.

[Nightlight]

It's okay to feel anxious over something like this, but I think the best thing that you can do is let your therapist talk for herself. In situations like this, often our fears and worries come to the surface (and it's good to be able to work on them in the therapy), but what we think and feel belongs to us, not our therapists. We can’t read their mind or decide that we are taking advantage of them, only they know that.

Try to remember what your therapist has said about this herself. If she's offered, then I expect she's completely okay with it. The one thing that does actually annoy my own therapist a bit is if she makes a generous offer and I turn it down because I think I'm doing what's best for her. Sometimes I know it makes her feel like I completely reject her generosity when she's been willing to go out of her way for me.

I also started the year off with a $3000 dentist bill and lost a source of funding that contributed to therapy fees, so I've had to reduce my sessions, which has been really hard on me. I really hope you're able to enjoy and appreciate what your therapist is willing to do for you, even if you do have some concerns about it.

[monkeybrains21]

HG I know how u feel. I learned growing up everything came at a price. I learned never to accept gifts because I didn't want to learn what it cost me. My father held everything over my head. He gifted me a computer and flight tickets to go to college. He to this day would hold it over my head saying I owe him for those gifts.

I do not speak to him and haven't for yrs. my partners mother gives me gifts for bday and Xmas, but she never expects anything in return. It is uncomfortable for me to accept these but they do not let me refuse nor do they expect anything from me. It took 28 yrs for me to learn there are some good ppl in this world.

[someone321]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't know if it's because I can't stand the idea of her caring, although that's a possibility. I think it's more because I feel like I should be able to do things myself. I should be able to handle life and manage my own problems. And yet, I can't, and so it's sort of a rebellion against my limits and weaknesses to do it anyway. I also just hate taking things from people because I feel like I will owe them something in return and I hate being indebted to anyone, and I don't feel worthy or valuable enough to accept such a gift from someone.

Thank you for the clarification. Yes, I know the problem, so I think I cannot give you any good advice - sorry... I also think that I should do everything by myself, never ask for help and never "take" anything from others... E.g. when the session time is up, I immediately stand up and it doesn't matter that I am (or T is) in the middle of a sentence, I do not feel allowed to stealing any minute of my T's time
But on the other hand, you know how much you'll suffer if you do not accept T's help... Is it really better to stay with your limits or maybe you could meet somewhere between? Like can you find a compromise which would allow you to stay in contact with your T but which would not cause a protest in your every cell? Something which you could accept even if it is not so easy? I don't know, shorter sessions, phone/mail support, session every 2 weeks or something else?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Amelia112

If I can give my two cents to this topic...
I want to tell you a little story.
10 years ago I was offered a place in a new private degree program. Only 15 people all over Europe were accepted and it was expensive, 14 hour days (so no way to work a job to earn some extra money) and it was very exhausting. I knew, I couldn't go because I was 24 and didn't just have the money that I needed for that on my bank account. But you know I am a Christian. (And sorry if this is inappropriate on this board but it's important to the story) Some of my friends thought that it was God's plan for me to go and take part in this program.
They told me - Go and God will provide.
Well, I decided to put that to the test and accepted and was ready to travel to the country and city the program was held in. I had to find a place to live, find enough money to pay my health insurance and living costs and on top of that the tuition costs.
At the airport, shortly before going through security I got extremely anxious. I thought - what the heck was I doing? I have absolutely nothing except the first month of rent.
I heard someone calling my name. I turned around and about 20 people, friends and acquaintances stood there waving at me. Everyone gave me an envelope with money with strict instructions to only open it when I had arrived. A couple I knew took me aside and told me they were going to pay the whole year for me, that they would put $1600 into my bank account each month. I was in shock and didn't want to accept it, it wasn't like they were incredibly rich or something. This was quite a percentage of their income. I cried and said no and felt horrible.
Then the husband said: It takes strength to accept a gift of money. It takes more strength to believe you are worth it. And it takes even more strength to believe that we do this because we love you.

I had an incredible year and got my degree and finished second best in my class. And I never had to pay back one penny, even though I felt I had to. But it was a gift.
HG, I believe your T is giving you a gift. And I think it will help you grow and heal if you accept it. Because, what if you don't? Then for two months you will miss her, you will be anxious, you will feel alone, you will carry burdens by yourself. But if you do accept her offer, it's a great opportunity to learn to accept that your worth it, that it's ok to accept a gift like this. If she offers, she means it. If she means it, she cares. If she cares, you can allow yourself to care back :-)
Don't beat yourself up so much over this, HG. You are a wonderful person, why would you not deserve this gift?

That's a very nice story. No one has ever done anything like that for me. But I can't accept it. I just can't. I would rather carry this stuff by myself. I don't deserve it because I am terrible. I am broken and messed up and can't give back. I am alone and abandoned. I have nothing except the things I have managed to scrape together these past few years. I am putting myself through college along with paying for my own housing, rent, and therapy, and working full time. I have no worth or value. And it is up to me to make my life work, not some random lady I have dragged into the middle of my mess. That is the definition of unfair: "You have to deal with me and all my crap, and I won't even pay you for it...but ethically you have to because that's the rules." I can't do that to her. I would rather die than force her to be in that position. I don't deserve any better than that. I deserve to be abandoned and left alone. That is all I have ever received. It is confusing to me when she won't readily do that, yet insists it is because she cares or wants to be there for me. I don't want her to do that. It's much easier to be rejected.

Originally Posted by growlycat

Maybe you won't always be in the position of not being able to pay. If she takes you on pro bono, she can probably use it as a tax deduction.

It's only two months, and so I know for a fact I won't always be pro bono. It's just May and June that I won't be able to pay.

Originally Posted by Nightlight

It's okay to feel anxious over something like this, but I think the best thing that you can do is let your therapist talk for herself. In situations like this, often our fears and worries come to the surface (and it's good to be able to work on them in the therapy), but what we think and feel belongs to us, not our therapists. We can’t read their mind or decide that we are taking advantage of them, only they know that.

Try to remember what your therapist has said about this herself. If she's offered, then I expect she's completely okay with it. The one thing that does actually annoy my own therapist a bit is if she makes a generous offer and I turn it down because I think I'm doing what's best for her. Sometimes I know it makes her feel like I completely reject her generosity when she's been willing to go out of her way for me.

I also started the year off with a $3000 dentist bill and lost a source of funding that contributed to therapy fees, so I've had to reduce my sessions, which has been really hard on me. I really hope you're able to enjoy and appreciate what your therapist is willing to do for you, even if you do have some concerns about it.

I just don't have any part of my own mind that is willing to accept it. I don't see myself as even minimally worth it. I don't even deserve her time when I am paying her and I am constantly afraid she will decide I am wasting time and get rid of me. This is just much more reason for her to do so. Much easier to reject her first than to have her reject me.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

HG I know how u feel. I learned growing up everything came at a price. I learned never to accept gifts because I didn't want to learn what it cost me. My father held everything over my head. He gifted me a computer and flight tickets to go to college. He to this day would hold it over my head saying I owe him for those gifts.

I do not speak to him and haven't for yrs. my partners mother gives me gifts for bday and Xmas, but she never expects anything in return. It is uncomfortable for me to accept these but they do not let me refuse nor do they expect anything from me. It took 28 yrs for me to learn there are some good ppl in this world.

Yeah, this is exactly it. I don't want her pulling out situations like this and parading them before my eyes when I don't want to agree with her about something. I have had plenty of experience of people doing just that, and then threatening to withdraw their absolutely necessary support when I was a child when I didn't agree with them. I can't give that power to anyone else ever again. It's terrifying.

Originally Posted by someone321

Thank you for the clarification. Yes, I know the problem, so I think I cannot give you any good advice - sorry... I also think that I should do everything by myself, never ask for help and never "take" anything from others... E.g. when the session time is up, I immediately stand up and it doesn't matter that I am (or T is) in the middle of a sentence, I do not feel allowed to stealing any minute of my T's time
But on the other hand, you know how much you'll suffer if you do not accept T's help... Is it really better to stay with your limits or maybe you could meet somewhere between? Like can you find a compromise which would allow you to stay in contact with your T but which would not cause a protest in your every cell? Something which you could accept even if it is not so easy? I don't know, shorter sessions, phone/mail support, session every 2 weeks or something else?

I thought about asking for two short phone sessions per month instead. So maybe I will do that.

[Aloneandafraid]

Hi HG. I have been struggling with this recently too as I am unable to pay my T the full price and she has suggested I pay her helf of her rate. I have really struggled with this but she said she operates on a sliding scale and she wouldnt offer it if she didnt mean it. It still makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and sick to think about it but I agreed to take her up on her offer of seeing her at a reduced rate. I have to say that it has caused issues as I dont believe I deserve her time and I want/need more. It is a really uncomfortable situation for me. I want to pay her her full rate but I just cant at the moment. It is really difficult. I understand exactly where youre at with this. I am so sorry you are struggling. You are an amazing person, you have given so much support and encouragement to me and others on this forum. I am so sorry and wish i could offer you something more positive. I understand.

[Aloneandafraid]

Yes go for phone sessions - that's a good compromise.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

That's a very nice story. No one has ever done anything like that for me. But I can't accept it. I just can't. I would rather carry this stuff by myself. I don't deserve it because I am terrible. I am broken and messed up and can't give back. I am alone and abandoned. I have nothing except the things I have managed to scrape together these past few years. I am putting myself through college along with paying for my own housing, rent, and therapy, and working full time. I have no worth or value. And it is up to me to make my life work, not some random lady I have dragged into the middle of my mess. That is the definition of unfair: "You have to deal with me and all my crap, and I won't even pay you for it...but ethically you have to because that's the rules." I can't do that to her. I would rather die than force her to be in that position. I don't deserve any better than that. I deserve to be abandoned and left alone. That is all I have ever received. It is confusing to me when she won't readily do that, yet insists it is because she cares or wants to be there for me. I don't want her to do that. It's much easier to be rejected.

It's only two months, and so I know for a fact I won't always be pro bono. It's just May and June that I won't be able to pay.

I just don't have any part of my own mind that is willing to accept it. I don't see myself as even minimally worth it. I don't even deserve her time when I am paying her and I am constantly afraid she will decide I am wasting time and get rid of me. This is just much more reason for her to do so. Much easier to reject her first than to have her reject me.

Boy. This sounds like much more reason for you to NEED to take it, if only for a while, just to give yourself the opportunity to break out of this mindset. Its like you're holding onto these feelings and you can use lack of money to hold onto these feelings. So your t is saying - okay, lets take the money excuse away; now what are you going to do, to say? Kinda pulling the rug out from under you. Your security blanket of no security. I wont even make my bed up nice because im afraid i'll have to pay for that feeling of security. So no fair saying your t is doing it out of ethics. You dont get to talk for her.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

That's a very nice story. No one has ever done anything like that for me. But I can't accept it. I just can't. I would rather carry this stuff by myself. I don't deserve it because I am terrible. I am broken and messed up and can't give back. I am alone and abandoned. I have nothing except the things I have managed to scrape together these past few years. I am putting myself through college along with paying for my own housing, rent, and therapy, and working full time. I have no worth or value. And it is up to me to make my life work, not some random lady I have dragged into the middle of my mess. That is the definition of unfair: "You have to deal with me and all my crap, and I won't even pay you for it...but ethically you have to because that's the rules." I can't do that to her. I would rather die than force her to be in that position. I don't deserve any better than that. I deserve to be abandoned and left alone. That is all I have ever received. It is confusing to me when she won't readily do that, yet insists it is because she cares or wants to be there for me. I don't want her to do that. It's much easier to be rejected.

Pardon my French, but B.S. You "can"accept this gift; you are choosing not to. You are the person saying you have no value or worth. That isn't coming from your therapist. She is NOT some random person in your life. She is important in your life and she is offering this help. You are not "dragging" her into this, nor are you "forcing" her to make this offer. Hate to tell you this, but you are not so powerful that you can control her mind and her decisions.

It's only two months, and so I know for a fact I won't always be pro bono. It's just May and June that I won't be able to pay.


I just don't have any part of my own mind that is willing to accept it. I don't see myself as even minimally worth it. I don't even deserve her time when I am paying her and I am constantly afraid she will decide I am wasting time and get rid of me. This is just much more reason for her to do so. Much easier to reject her first than to have her reject me.

My husband often lives by that philosophy of "I'll reject her first rather than to have her reject me", and it drives me insane. What poppycock! I am not his screwy family that rejected him and hurt him and only showed him very conditional love, but he sometimes pigeonholes me into that role in his eyes. It is unfair. I am worthy of better consideration and trust than that. I am NOT his family.

Neither is your therapist. You can choose to see her as the individual she is, or you can pigeonhole her into the same crappy category as everyone else in your life. Not fair to do that to her though. Perhaps seeing her as the trustworthy, kind, gracious person she seems to be would be more honest and fair.

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I just don't have any part of my own mind that is willing to accept it. I don't see myself as even minimally worth it. I don't even deserve her time when I am paying her and I am constantly afraid she will decide I am wasting time and get rid of me. This is just much more reason for her to do so. Much easier to reject her first than to have her reject me.

I can tell that this is really, really hard for you. Sometimes it takes a loooong time before we can change the way we think about ourselves when it is so set in. My therapist once told me that I was like someone with cortical blindness, when the eyes can see, but the brain can't process the images. Now that I've progressed, that's really what it was like. People could tell me something, but if it didn't make sense to me, it was like it didn't exist. The way I saw it was the only possible reality.

Even though you can't see it yet, you do deserve the help and support that she is willing to give. Therapy is hard, it's incredibly hard. It takes enormous bravery to face fears like the ones you're describing, but if you go with a willingness to hear what your therapist has to say about this without deciding for her, that's what you're doing, you're being brave. For me, that's what therapy has been all about.

Life really doesn’t have to be so hard, it can be better…and you deserve that. But I know that I’ve had to accept help so that I could get to a place where things are better. It’s so easy to feed the negative fears, to continue finding things that will prove that the fears are true, or to run from the fears and still be certain that they are true (and so it was right to run). It’s hard not to run and to stand and face those fears…but I’ve found that confronting them, just allowing the smallest bit of space for another possible outcome, is what has kept me moving forwards.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Hi HG. I have been struggling with this recently too as I am unable to pay my T the full price and she has suggested I pay her helf of her rate. I have really struggled with this but she said she operates on a sliding scale and she wouldnt offer it if she didnt mean it. It still makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and sick to think about it but I agreed to take her up on her offer of seeing her at a reduced rate. I have to say that it has caused issues as I dont believe I deserve her time and I want/need more. It is a really uncomfortable situation for me. I want to pay her her full rate but I just cant at the moment. It is really difficult. I understand exactly where youre at with this. I am so sorry you are struggling. You are an amazing person, you have given so much support and encouragement to me and others on this forum. I am so sorry and wish i could offer you something more positive. I understand.

Thank you for understanding. It's a really difficult situation. I would never expect a barber to cut my hair for free, or a mechanic to work on my car for free. It's really hard to accept the idea of taking my T's time for free.

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Yes go for phone sessions - that's a good compromise.

I may bring that up at my next session.

Originally Posted by hankster

Boy. This sounds like much more reason for you to NEED to take it, if only for a while, just to give yourself the opportunity to break out of this mindset. Its like you're holding onto these feelings and you can use lack of money to hold onto these feelings. So your t is saying - okay, lets take the money excuse away; now what are you going to do, to say? Kinda pulling the rug out from under you. Your security blanket of no security. I wont even make my bed up nice because im afraid i'll have to pay for that feeling of security. So no fair saying your t is doing it out of ethics. You dont get to talk for her.

My T said the same thing, that this sounds like an even stronger reason to accept the help rather than reject it. It doesn't change how terrifying it is, though. And yeah, the security of being so in control of my own time and finances that I can justify restricting myself from her is a security blanket. It helps me maintain a sense of comfortable distance, when it is too threatening to get closer to her.

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

My husband often lives by that philosophy of "I'll reject her first rather than to have her reject me", and it drives me insane. What poppycock! I am not his screwy family that rejected him and hurt him and only showed him very conditional love, but he sometimes pigeonholes me into that role in his eyes. It is unfair. I am worthy of better consideration and trust than that. I am NOT his family.

Neither is your therapist. You can choose to see her as the individual she is, or you can pigeonhole her into the same crappy category as everyone else in your life. Not fair to do that to her though. Perhaps seeing her as the trustworthy, kind, gracious person she seems to be would be more honest and fair.

I guess I am lumping her in with the people I have had experience with. I didn't think of that as unfair, because I saw it as self-preserving. But I guess it is.

Originally Posted by Nightlight

I can tell that this is really, really hard for you. Sometimes it takes a loooong time before we can change the way we think about ourselves when it is so set in. My therapist once told me that I was like someone with cortical blindness, when the eyes can see, but the brain can't process the images. Now that I've progressed, that's really what it was like. People could tell me something, but if it didn't make sense to me, it was like it didn't exist. The way I saw it was the only possible reality.

Even though you can't see it yet, you do deserve the help and support that she is willing to give. Therapy is hard, it's incredibly hard. It takes enormous bravery to face fears like the ones you're describing, but if you go with a willingness to hear what your therapist has to say about this without deciding for her, that's what you're doing, you're being brave. For me, that's what therapy has been all about.

Life really doesn’t have to be so hard, it can be better…and you deserve that. But I know that I’ve had to accept help so that I could get to a place where things are better. It’s so easy to feed the negative fears, to continue finding things that will prove that the fears are true, or to run from the fears and still be certain that they are true (and so it was right to run). It’s hard not to run and to stand and face those fears…but I’ve found that confronting them, just allowing the smallest bit of space for another possible outcome, is what has kept me moving forwards.

It is absolutely terrifying and difficult. It is overwhelming and paralyzing. And yes, fears are much easier to run from than to confront

[stopdog]

I would not take a favor from the therapist either. For me, it would be like selling a piece of my soul to the woman. I have found with long breaks, like 6-8 weeks, after the first week or so I don't really notice because I deliberately make a different routine. I fill in the slot with something else - a massage, an activity with friends, something equally as onerous as I find therapy (make the dental appointments for the time of the usual therapy for example).

On the other hand, taking the favor is not bad in a vacuum either. People do like to be generous and helpful (sometimes even therapists if one believes the reports) and if you generally believe the therapist you see - why would you choose this to not believe her over?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I would not take a favor from the therapist either. For me, it would be like selling a piece of my soul to the woman. I have found with long breaks, like 6-8 weeks, after the first week or so I don't really notice because I deliberately make a different routine. I fill in the slot with something else - a massage, an activity with friends, something equally as onerous as I find therapy (make the dental appointments for the time of the usual therapy for example).

On the other hand, taking the favor is not bad in a vacuum either. People do like to be generous and helpful (sometimes even therapists if one believes the reports) and if you generally believe the therapist you see - why would you choose this to not believe her over?

I don't know why it's this that I have such a hard time on. There have been other things in the past, but none of them have been as difficult as this.

Just a thought, and no disrespect intended. Is it possible that you are doing a disservice to your therapist by not accepting her offer. You and Her, have worked so hard to reach where you are at currently. Could she have a concern that all or some of the hard work that both of you have done will be compromised or gone if you stay away for two months. Talking on the phone is not the same if you are in the vicinity to see her. I hope both of you can figure it out together.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

Just a thought, and no disrespect intended. Is it possible that you are doing a disservice to your therapist by not accepting her offer. You and Her, have worked so hard to reach where you are at currently. Could she have a concern that all or some of the hard work that both of you have done will be compromised or gone if you stay away for two months. Talking on the phone is not the same if you are in the vicinity to see her. I hope both of you can figure it out together.

I know that it would not be the best possible thing for me. But neither would drinking a soda instead of water or eating some candy instead of a vegetable. But we all do it sometimes. She did say that she thought we had a good pace going (I'm in the middle of trauma work), and that she doesn't want to disrupt that. And the situation surrounding my moving would benefit from the support. And I think all of that makes it more painful and difficult. I guess I don't see why she would want to spend the time helping me when she doesn't have anything to gain from it. And that makes me even more suspicious of her maybe wanting to do something to gain power and influence over me.

I know I'm being stubborn and difficult. But the fear and anxiety of this situation is making me even more headstrong than normal.

HazelGirl, I've posted this before, but I just wanted to share it with you., an email to my therapist and her response when I was in the same position as you, accepting her good graces.

Me: Also, last Monday, I came in for an extra session, but it lasted two hours. I only payed you for one hour, so I still owe you for an hour (maybe that's where the Freudian slip came in). Hopefully on Friday, I will receive support money and I will pay for four sessions, and be caught up. I am sorry that it is sometimes difficult to not owe you money sometimes. Starting in July I am only going to be able to come once a week and Kiddo once a week. It has nothing to do with therapeutic issues. I would love to keep comings as I have, but my resources have run dry and I just can't ask my folks right now. I am afraid of loosing more of myself to them.

Therapist: As for the issue of resources. I am not concerned about you owing me for sessions. I make my living, support myself and my child, by this work. I also do this work because I get personal satisfaction from it. I try to balance the two - so I offer a sliding scale, and I sometimes offer credit. I make these decisions on a case by case basis. When I have clients like yourself, who work hard, desire to get better, keep going when it is difficult and painful - I can happily settle for getting the bulk of payment for services from personal satisfaction. We can try once a week and see how it works. If it seems to impede therapeutic progress, then we'll discuss it and work out something that is mutually agreeable. We can find a way to make it work. I'm not going anywhere.

And now I will bow out. Best wishes to you.
She later told me I wasn't suppose to pay for the extra time. She does that on her own when she feels a client can benefit with the longer session, and she has the time.

ETA: Her reduced fee is as low as $0.00