[Xtree]

Do you have a dependency on the therapeutic process? Sometimes this scares me to death and I do not know what to do? I think I see it as a temporary influence in my life and it would terrible to develop a dependency on something that can end at anytime.

Do not get me wrong, I think it is a great process and it is working for me for now. I think it also might have something to do with the one sided relationship concept that everyone here keeps talking about, I do not understand it. The one sided part makes it feel much more volatile. I am not sure and at the moment I am little confused.

Xtree

[chaotic13]

I have a big fear od dependency on therapy.especially when I email outside of the session. However, as my sessions have gotten more productive... IDK my NEED for contact has lessen. This makes me hopeful that my fears of becoming too dependent or needy...are just fears. Not sure if that makes sense.

I will say that my fear od depending on my T, has led me to restablish back-up connectioning. This might be one GOOD thing my childhood has taught me... ALWAYS have a plan B.

[MissCharlotte]

I think the fear of dependency is pretty usual for people in therapy. After all, if we depend on someone we can get hurt right? They could pull back, not meet our needs, deny a reqest, make us feel stupid, etc., etc., etc. If we don't depend on anyone/or anything then we don't have to risk having those painful (and familiar) feelings of loss and disappointment. But those feelings are the price we pay for the other feelings we experience in intimate relationships--love, giving, understanding, hope and companionship. The yin and the yang-ya know?

[Mouse_]

xtree, you got some good replys here. I think most off us in therapy have this fear also. You know when I read someone else with the same questions and feelings I Have, I feel suddenly I Have the answers for them, but when it comes to me and my feelings than what I could say here don't feel so reasuring. But, I guess logically as long as a therapist isnt sitting detesting the fact that you or I or whom ever is their client, then its not one sided because they are there with us, offering part of themselves to us, even if thats just their professional training..I think for me the fear of the relationship being one-sided and all other fears is more about the past than me and T, if we'd never been let down in our formative yrs than I think we'd handle relationships more confidently...its the fact we have been badly let down in the past that is the real issue I feel.

[hangingon]

LOL chaotic,
I love to have a plan B as well!

I am also afraid of becoming dependent on my T. Mainly because I have always been independent, more so because I had to be, that was something I was forced into growing up. So there is one side of me that would love connection but the other side that says whoa....wait a minute.... this is only short term and then you are going to part ways....don't allow yourself to get close because it will hurt a h*ll of alot more when you do part.

I am not sure I will ever really know what it feels like to really connect with someone. The side of me that fears it is much stronger than the side that desires it.

Hangingon

[searchingmysoul]

Originally Posted by Xtree

Do you have a dependency on the therapeutic process? Sometimes this scares me to death and I do not know what to do? I think I see it as a temporary influence in my life and it would terrible to develop a dependency on something that can end at anytime.

Do not get me wrong, I think it is a great process and it is working for me for now. I think it also might have something to do with the one sided relationship concept that everyone here keeps talking about, I do not understand it. The one sided part makes it feel much more volatile. I am not sure and at the moment I am little confused.

Xtree

I have a dependency on my T and what she offers me in the form of "therapy". It is scary for me because the feeling of dependency and having needs makes me feel like I am "too much", like I ask too much, want too much, need too much.

But I see the process as a permanent influence in my life...I don't believe that the relationship is a permanent one, when it ends I am sure it will be bitter sweet. But the influence is permanent. My T is helping me to know myself, change my relationships with others, with my family, have boundaries....So many things that will have a lifetime of outcomes.

I get what you are saying about the "one sided" part. I feel volatile about it, sad about it, sometimes glad for it. But I have come to understand that it is not exactly one sided- I think (although I don't know exactly what) that my T does get something from our relationship, just not what I get from it.

(((((Xtree)))))

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Xtree

Do you have a dependency on the therapeutic process?

That could mean so many things. Dependent on the process of therapy or the therapist? What does it mean to be dependent? It could mean so many things.

Does it mean that you like your therapist so much (you are so connected) that you'll be very, very sad if your relationship ends? If so, I am dependent.

Does it mean you would just as soon never terminate and see your T for the rest of your life? If so, I am dependent.

Does it mean that you can't make any of your own decisions without talking with T first? If so, I am not dependent.

Does it mean you "save up" your feelings until therapy, when you can share and process them with your therapist, rather than feeling and dealing with them as they occur? If so, yeah, I have been known to do that. But I'm getting better... (less dependent?)

Does it mean that if your therapist says something, it must be so, and don't question and think for yourself? If so, I am not dependent.

Does it mean that you when you describe your relationship with your T, you say things like "one-sided" and "power differential"? If so, then I am not dependent.

Does it mean your therapist has been so helpful and warm and caring and healing and you like him so much that you're scared s**tless that it will all end one day and you will no longer have his presence in your life, and it will be so so painful not to have him anymore? If so, then you're human.

It's OK to be human.

[srose]

Hi, this is my first post.
I have been seeing my T for about 2.5 yrs now and one of my major issues has become dependency issues with her and others. For the first 2 years, I let her in some, but about 6 mo ago, I started to go 2x a week which has helped tremendously since I find myself opening up so much more and finally being able to tell her some of the more deeper stuff...however, I am even more anxious when i think about leaving.

In Sept, I will be starting a masters program and I might not have the time to go anymore and I think I will need it more than ever since I will be under a tremendous amount of stress. I hate having to be dependent on anyone and it's a big deal to me that I have somehow landed in this position of being dependent on my T. I grew up being abandoned on more than one occasion so I have huge trust issues.

I have talked some about this with her but I honestly don't know how it will all pan out and I dread the day I have to end therapy. I am only hoping that I will be in a better place and can walk away feeling good and not crumble in a crying mess which would be ironic since I have not been able to cry at all in therapy.

[Samanthaq]

Originally Posted by sunrise

It's OK to be human.

Sunrise, your message was brilliant, and pretty well covers my thoughts and feelings about the subject.

In the end, all that we have is our humanity, our memories, and the connections to other hearts and souls we connect with along that way. Treasure these, because it's all you can take with you beyond the veil of "life" in the physical world.

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by Xtree

Do you have a dependency on the therapeutic process? Sometimes this scares me to death and I do not know what to do? I think I see it as a temporary influence in my life and it would terrible to develop a dependency on something that can end at anytime.

Do not get me wrong, I think it is a great process and it is working for me for now. I think it also might have something to do with the one sided relationship concept that everyone here keeps talking about, I do not understand it. The one sided part makes it feel much more volatile. I am not sure and at the moment I am little confused.

Xtree

Hey Xtree,

What a good subject!!! I can't admit to myself that i'm dependent on T. But T and I talk about it and when I'm ready I will discuss it more.

Talk about your feelings with T. You may surprise yourself.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Xtree

Do you have a dependency on the therapeutic process? Sometimes this scares me to death and I do not know what to do? I think I see it as a temporary influence in my life and it would terrible to develop a dependency on something that can end at anytime.

Do not get me wrong, I think it is a great process and it is working for me for now. I think it also might have something to do with the one sided relationship concept that everyone here keeps talking about, I do not understand it. The one sided part makes it feel much more volatile. I am not sure and at the moment I am little confused.

Xtree

Yes, xtree. I am dependent on the therapeutic process and I've been dependent on my Ts too. It's a Catch-22 situation, I think. We've got to trust our Ts with our secrets, and intimate details of our lives. They don't tell us their secrets. It's so nice to have someone listen to us and give us 100% of themselves during our session. It's easy to become dependent on the process, at least it was for me.

But therapy doesn't last forever. The hard part is to become independent and move away from our Ts, just like becoming an adult and moving out of our parents' homes. I'm still working on this process, and it IS a process. Ending therapy is bittersweet, but it means we're capable adults.

[chaotic13]

Does it mean that you value their perspective on how to address a problem and that you will try on of their suggestion even if you really don't think it will work? Then, yes I am dependent.

Does it mean that you will try to believe them when they say you are NOT something that you swear you are? Then, I am really trying to be dependent.

Does it mean that you get upset when there is a miscommunication and then take what in your mind seems like drastic measures to try and fix the connection? Then, I am dependent.

Does it mean that you go to therapy with the expectation that your T will at some point give you exactly what you need and you'll be fixed? Then, I am not dependent

Hopefully, in time, you will see that the relationship is not one-sided. Although the therapist is being paid and he will know a hell of a lot more than you know about him, it becomes a very emotionally connected relationship. In fact it is more two-sided in its own unique way than any relationship I have experienced. As your therapist become attuned to you, you will become attuned to him as well.

(I'm not sure if your therapist is male or female, so forgive me if I used the wrong gender )

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by pinksoil

it is more two-sided in its own unique way than any relationship I have experienced.

Same for me. Well said.

[ECHOES]

Therapy can feel strange to me because it is about me and it's okay that it's about me, even though it feels selfish, self-centered, narcissistic.
The intimacy can be intoxicating, but scary at the same time.
At times I feel so close to T, it can also feel so sad because I think about the fact that it will end at some point. It is hard to stay in the moment and enjoy the healing feeling of intimacy and connection when I do that, when do something with that good feeling by reminding myself that it will end.
So I try to remember how the relationship has evolved and will keep evolving and growing and changing, as all relationships do. Then I can get back to 'now' and allow the feelings of now.
What this will be later I don't know and can't know until I get there.

[sunrise]

That is so well put, ECHOES.

There is a tension between allowing ourselves the intimacy and connection and knowing it will all end. I think learning to manage that dichotomy serves us well for future relationships. Because no relationship is forever, they can end for so many reasons--break-up, death, moving away, growing apart, etc. But that shouldn't stop us allowing ourselves to have them. You know, I never ever thought that one of the most important things I would learn in therapy was how to have a relationship. There are so many parts to it, and tolerating/managing this dichotomy is just one of them.

[HazelGirl]

This thread is from 2009, although it's a good discussion anyway.

[Restin]

I've had very deep, painful Transference on therapists, but I finally learned how it's supposed to work. The transference needs to be in the therapy; as without it you're just intellectualizing, not making full use of your therapy. When you do become dependent, the T understands all about it, and you work through the issues in your past that went wrong for you, as well as feelings about the T. The transference actually changes your mind's "wiring" , chemical synapses and neurons, in a healing way as you face your fears and angers in the present and the past.
Then, it isn't a matter of "weaning" or traumatic separation at the end. For, if that's how you feel, it isn't the end. You can't believe it for a long time, but your mind grows and your ego gains strength. The "end" comes when you change your feelings about the T, and decide that you would rather do something else with your time and money.

I know it's impossible to believe that, and as long as you feel that way, therapy isn't over. So, don't worry, just stay in therapy. I've been through this so know how it works. Just try to trust your therapist, and the process.
And also, it helps to read up on line about this "Transference" topic.

[Leah123]

Wow, I think you get an award for resurrecting the oldest reactivated thread I've seen on PC.

[HazelGirl]

Wait a minute. I'm confused. Restin posted before I did, but my comment appeared above his. Super confusing.

[Leah123]

Nah, he just had a double post and one was deleted.

[HazelGirl]

Oh, okay.

[peaches100]

I'm a bit uncertain regarding my dependency on my t. On the surface, it appears that I am overly dependent on my therapist - if you consider that I've been in therapy 10+ years and am having tremendous trouble getting by without a between-session email. . . to the point of great pain and desperation.

However, upon closer investigation, I am beginning to see that my "overdependence" on my t is actually a resistance to being dependent, attached, or connected. The thought of emotional intimacy, trusting someone with my heart and feelings, letting myself bond with them, letting them comfort me, allowing the t relationship to actually take on significance strikes literal terror in my heart!!!

It is precisely for this reason that I have become overly dependent, not on my relationship with my t in real time during my therapy session, but on the psuedo-intimacy I get from sending and receiving email messages from my t instead.

Communicating with her from a distance feels SAFE to me. Connecting from a distance feels SAFE. Telling her how I feel about her from a distance feels SAFE. But when I am in the therapy room, I feel uptight, scared, guarded, blocked, fearful of letting down my guard, afraid of losing composure and looking stupid, ashamed to ask for what I need when I am with her, etc.

What I mean is. . .Yes, I talk to her. Yes, I communicate verbally, quite well in fact. But I am operating from a guarded business-woman mode that I know is a defense. I want to analyze and stay in my head. I am scared of expressing feelings, of feeling feelings, and of developing feelings for my t. It is so fearful to me that, despite the obvious emotional neglect of my childhood and now badly I need that connection in order to heal, when it comes down to actually "letting in" any of the caring things she says and does, they bounce off of me instead of going in. I think in my head, "Well, that's a nice thing to say." But I don't let myself feel any positive warm feelings inside from it. I am terrified of letting myself experience something good that I know won't last and could end with me badly hurt in some way. I WANT to trust my t. I WANT to believe her caring is real and let myself feel good about it and benefit from it. But I feel UNABLE to do so.

Therefore. . .dependency on indirect email communication.

My t and I talked about it yesterday. It's getting so clear to me now. I am overly dependent on "the idea of a close relationship" with my t. I am dependent on getting a "feeling of" having a relationship like that without having to actually see her or be with her. That's the only way it feels safe to me to really open up totally and be myself. . .for that relationship to exist in the virtual world, somewhere in outer space, and I can get that message back from my t, and hold onto it to feel connected. Because I cannot do it face to face in the real world.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Wow, I think you get an award for resurrecting the oldest reactivated thread I've seen on PC.

No i think i saw one from aught 6

[Ford Puma]

On the topic of dependency. I hope I am not. Although I stopped seeing T twice in the passed 3 years I went back to her.
Part of me missed her and part of me missed talking to her.
I might be too embarrassed to say I miss you to her... although I have a feeling she has a good idea about it.