[plixplox]

I decided to see a therapist and take therapy seriously as my own efforts at trying to change my thinking felt like I didn't get very far even when I honestly tried really hard for long periods of time coming out of a 2 year drug addiction, it felt like getting your head barely above water, but if you lost vigilance you'd sink into a depression within a week or so and it started to feel hopeless, so I sought out counseling.

I'd been talking to a therapist over 4-5 sessions, I kept getting thoughts wondering what my therapist actually thought about me. I have few if any real friends and so the majority of the time I'd imagine conversations with my therapist and thought maybe I'm too invested in this person because I have no one else outside to really communicate with, or that I trust. I think I started to maybe close off or even resent the therapist because I thought this person couldnt possibly care about me, and I felt ashamed of having spilled so many of my experiences to me them that I kept secret for so long.

In my most recent session I told her that I had been taking 5mg valium not prescribed to me, to deal with anxiety. She told me considering I have a drug addiction history it sounded like "the addict in me making excuses". I responded by telling her it felt like I needed it on to survive in terms of being able to go to work or school, and that what my psychiatrist had prescribed me (hydroxyzine) had essentially made me feel cognitively so slow and physically so tired I couldnt function on it.

She stood up and told me "at this point I'm gonna let you know that I dont meet with patients who are under the influence of substances", telling me essentially to get out. I let obviously upset, I didnt yell or shout or do anything threatening but I definitely walked out with a mean countenance about me. Before I left I asked her if I could switch therapists, she said yes she would put in a transfer.

I asked downstairs to set up an appointment with another therapist, because mine had told me to leave, she said over the phone to the receptionist that no she didnt want a transfer and wanted me to see the chemical dependency department. They eventually said ok since I agreed to see a drug counselor, and some guy was supposed to give me a phone call talking to me about transferring therapists, he wasnt able to reach me but talked to my dad and I got a left a message on my phone saying it was ok to transfer to another counselor and that it had been approved.

So... later I go to set up an appointment with a counselor and they told me I need approval.. and that this same person who had talked to my dad would give me a call.... and I've yet to get this call almost a week later.

I dont know if I'm paranoid but it seems like maybe I irked my therapist and staff there and they're just toying with me or trying to tie me up with meetings so they don't have to deal with me which is fine with me, but I need permission from them to go to outside counseling services as they're my insurance provider, and they wont do that unless its special circumstances.... and they made it clear that they don't want to.

It felt demeaning to have someone tell me "the addict in me was talking" and then kick me out of their office, someones whose only talked to me for maybe 3-4 hours, and honestly with so many patients its hard to imagine that person really knows or cares about you very much. On the other hand maybe this person did really want whats best for me or had good intentions in what they did and the way I reacted made it so they probably dont trust or feel safe around me.

I don't know it feels like it was a lot of work to be able to spill out and tell my counselor what I did tell her, and to go through that again seems like it would be difficult.... but I dont know if that situation is reparable, I honestly dont know what to expect out of a counselor, and if I should switch or just give this up.

This may seem naive but I feel like if someone doesn't really care about you, then they cant really understand you, and if they don't understand you they cant help you, and it sort of makes me doubt whether therapy will ever really help anyone especially since so many of my problems seem to be rooted in not trusting others.

[Ididitmyway]

Wow. What a frustrating experience! And a pretty hurtful one I should say. What's the agency where you were receiving services? Is it a clinic? Counseling center? If you have insurance, can't you just pick some therapist from their providers' directory?

You are right. When someone doesn't care, they won't be able to understand you. And, yes, to say that "the addict in you" is making excuses is judgmental, insensitive and, IMO, contrary to the purpose of therapy. Unfortunately, when things like that happen, it's more about the system than individual therapists who don't know what they are doing. As we all know our health care system is one of the worst and the mental health is the worst part of it. This type of insensitive inhumane attitude is everywhere. This is not to say that you should give up looking for the right service. Not at all. Just brace yourself for many challenges that will come your way.

Well, as an ex addict, we are crafty people, addiction sneaks in where it can.
My T has said therapy wouldn't work if I attended under the influence of any drug/drink.

[plixplox]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Well, as an ex addict, we are crafty people, addiction sneaks in where it can.
My T has said therapy wouldn't work if I attended under the influence of any drug/drink.

I know I shouldnt need benzos to be able to talk to people, but it felt like the anxiety had reached the point where things like school and work became extremely frustrating. I had a moment where I was going to buy the drugs when I realized I may be doing something wrong.. but I decided to go ahead with it anyway...

She did say she doesnt do therapy with people under the influence.. I wouldnt be opposed to not taking them the day of therapy but I think I may have burned this bridge.

It's just hard to juggle really practical responsibilities like being able to work without being in a state of panic or go to school without looking like your walking through a minefield, with also trying to work on yourself.

It is hard, but as addicts, it has to be faced and mastered.

Plixplox,
I think that wondering about what your therapist thinks of you is a pretty normal thinking! Not all clients wonder, but the vast majority do. It's actually a very important part of most people's therapy and many therapist (the really good ones in my opinion) want to talk about your thoughts about them and also to share with you their thoughts. Why? Because good therapy, imo, is about the relationship and its impact on us mentally. How we relate to our therapists is a pretty good indication of how we function outside of therapy with the other people in our lives.

I'm sorry that your therapist felt the need to dismiss you from your session due to the use of Valium. It wasn't clear to me if she had informed you that this was a limit she was setting at the first session. A lot of therapists who are working with someone who abuses drugs will tell them in the first session that therapy won't be conducted if they come to the session impaired. But they usually let the client know that at the next session you will be discussing why you came to the session impaired knowing the limits that have been set regarding drugs. If she hadn't informed you, it isn't kosher, imo, to suddenly impose that rule (unless of course you were slurring your words, unable to function, falling asleep etc), it would have been better that she cited her rule and then stated if it happened again, the session would end and you'd pick up again the following week.

I think what is particularly sad is that she said she was fine if you wanted to transfer. I think error in judgment is definitely on her. I think that what she isn't getting is that it is hard to set firm boundaries, but I think it's even harder to remain firm and not get defensive or angry when a client expresses their displeasure about the rules. It's her job to set the rules but it's imperative that she remain open and welcoming toward all your thoughts and feelings about the rules. Those feelings and reactions are what therapy is all about!! She failed on that issue.

It would have been fine if after the two of you talked about and processed your feelings about that rule and she then discussed with you about her opinion that you needed a drug and alcohol evaluation to help her with your treatment plan. It would even be fine if she suggested you combine drug/alcohol counseling support while undergoing therapy, but for her to just walk away, to close down her work with you without discussing what happened is wrong and indicates inexperience (imho). Even though you were angry about her dismissal (abandonment), your post indicates to me that you were willing to still go back and work with her. She missed an important opportunity to work this through with you. Not your fault, it's hers and she should own it. She missed a great opportunity to help you with your issues.

I hope you decide to follow through with an appointment with another therapist at the clinic. If you don't hear from the person who is suppose to call, you call. If it's a clinic, it's easy for things to get confusing and for messages to be lost. Be persistent. Good luck!

Her response seems both extreme and understandable, making me wonder what was really said. I know it's hard to convey so much in a single post, especially when it's an emotionally charged topic.

I completely understand why she would not be able to treat you while you're actively using, but it's too bad there wasn't more discussion about it while you were in session.

About the referral nightmare: if this is a large HMO or other system, there can be a lot of crossed wires and challenges to getting referred out of network. Can you contact that therapist and ask her to help hurry the referral along?

[IceCreamKid]

I hope this helps.

People who go into counseling do care. To get an education in counseling is a very personal investment of time and emotion, so I believe your therapist did care, and deeply about what is happening to you.

Furthermore I think she did the right thing following a protocol that was obviously already in place. It wasn't done to punish you, but to help you. Sometimes help seems like a jigsaw puzzle. As patients/clients we cannot always see the pieces coming together.

If people who struggle with addiction could set their shame aside, they could see their condition as serious but treatable and allow the professionals and other support to help. It is worrisome that someone with addiction believes he or she needs to self-medicate in order to get through the day. It is worrisome if you have not told your doctor what you are doing and that the prescription was not/is not helping.

I believe recovery is possible, even if the process is not pleasant.

I hope you get the right balance of medical support and therapeutic support. If you don't succeed in breaking your addiction right away, keep trying. There is no one size fits all solution; keep trying until you find what works for you. Courage!

[stopdog]

I would go see a different therapist if I was treated like that. I don't think I would worry about a referral from that one, I would just go find my own. My opinion all that sort of treatment does is encourage one to lie to them or not tell them stuff.

[SnakeCharmer]

Sorry, PlixPlox, but your T did understand you. She understood the addict in you. The stress felt too much and you sought out a drug to ease the pain, and a highly addictive one at that. Naturally, you didn't like it when she called you on it.

You struggled so hard to get clean. You know it's worth it. The right place for you to be now is with a drug counselor to help you prevent a full relapse and to teach you coping skills for how to deal with the anxieties, fears, depression and anger all addicts in early recovery feel. And two years is early.

She called you on your B.S. Nobody ever likes that! But it could save your life. You life is worth saving, isn't it? You obviously thought so, otherwise you wouldn't have gone through the pain of getting clean. You deserve credit and congratulations for that. But no addict can rest on their laurels. You sought and used an addictive drug not prescribed for you to cope with your unpleasant emotions. That's relapse behavior by any definition.

The fact that it's manufactured legally doesn't make any difference. These various forums are full of threads and posts by people going through the tortures of hell trying to withdraw from valium-type drugs -- the benzos. It's the worst withdrawal known to man, woman or animal. Painful as hell.

For god's sake, let your T and the agency help you avoid that fate. If the drug T hasn't called you yet -- usually long waiting lists for drug treatment -- take the bull by the horns and call him. And keep calling until they have a slot for you.

Promising not to come to session under the influence is a weak promise. How many failed promises did you make in your using days? Tons of them, not because you wanted to break them but, as Mouse said eloquently in just a few words, addicts are crafty people and addiction sneaks up on you.

That's just reality.

I apologize for sounding so harsh, PlixPlox. But this is a crisis moment and you could go either way -- straight again or back into addiction. Your life is important, much more important than the momentary hurt feelings you're experiencing from the way your T handled this. It's your life that matters right now, hanging on a razor's edge. I'll be thinking about you and hope you make the best life-enhancing choices possible.

Take care and please come back and tell us how this works out. You really do matter.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I know my situation is different in that I am prescribed benzos and have never had an addiction to any drugs or alcohol, but still my T doesn't want me to take them before I see her. I only did it once. She said I was so placid and wasn't able to express myself in my normal manner. So she asked (not demanded) me not to take them beforehand, but she said to take it afterwards if I need to. She was right, so I haven't done it again.

So, I assume, that your T was concerned because you're taking meds not prescribed to you, you have a history of addiction, and they do alter your mental state. I believe she acted ethically by having you referred to someone else. But I also understand how you might feel rejected and upset over it.

And I agree with the T that you saying you "need" the benzos was your addiction talking. An addict needs to stay clean and not be on addictive medication that isn't prescribed to them. And there are safer otc medication to take or even medication a doctor can prescribe to help reduce anxiety.

[Petra5ed]

Wow. That sounds like a bad session. Some might say I'm a fellow addict, but I like to think of myself as someone who ultimately does have control, that just has had some harmful habits at times, some of which involved using substances to help with extreme emotions like anxiety and depression. If I were in your shoes I would be hurt, and I would look for a better therapist. I'm not familiar with the effects of valium, but were you stumbling around possibly, were you "stoned"? If not, my opinion is your ex-therapist was both extreme and unwarranted in her brutal approach with you. Most likely all this means is she didn't have enough experience as a therapist, or maybe just knows nothing about "addiction" to be able to deal with you. She was sending a very clear message 'I don't know how to help you, goodbye.' For example I once came to a session actually stoned, I was nervous before hand so took a few hits... my therapist asked me not to do it again. There was no need to throw me out or be extreme about it.

I wonder whether people "really care" about me all the time. I think it's just part of the wound of being an abused kid, you grow up with low self-esteem and self-worth and are desperate for any love and attention. After a few sessions, because of the way you were treated, it's hard to say she showed a lot of caring. I'm not saying she certainly didn't care, she might just be severely misguided. Whatever her thoughts were if you find a therapist you click better with and invest some time I'm sure you will find real caring. Everyone is lovable, even hardcore for real addicts. Anyways, I like your thought that if they don't really care they cant know you. I think it's hard to truly know a person and not care for them, unless they are a sociopath.

Most therapists won't see you under the influence, however I'm guessing you weren't wasted on 5mg valium you were using for anxiety... I know my therapist wouldn't have thrown you out like that, but again mine has a lot of experience working with addiction.

[stopdog]

I am not an addict at all and the one I see actually suggested I have a drink or take a xanax (she said to get one from a friend of mine - not any specific friend - she just believed I would have at least one friend who took them) before coming to an appointment. I relate this just so it is known they are not all like the one the OP described.

[NowhereUSA]

I'm not an addict, so I can't come from that place. I do DBT, however, and we're told not to come under the influence of anything (although we are to take medications as prescribed and if something does seem to be influencing us, they tell us that they may ask us to see our doctor and come to a compromise).

The model I see in DBT is one of compassion, as I know I have addicts in my therapy group. There are strict rules and at the same time they aren't enforced to the point of rejection. They're enforced with open communication and a level of kindness. Throwing you out of therapy seems very... cold. Definitely her response is *somewhat* understandable to me and at the same time it seems, at the same time, somewhat unhelpful.

If you have that much anxiety, it seems like therapies to teach coping mechanisms maybe warranted and also a conversation with your doctor about what you might be able to take to help keep the anxiety at bay. It would seem to me that taking a medication that you weren't prescribed can lead you down that dark road of addiction again and I imagine, as I have seen addicts in my own life go clean, that you put in an incredible amount of effort to get there.

[plixplox]

I got clean, and even got rid of my depression for a while, it took 2 years to get clean, one year of hard core addiction and one year of saying I had "quit" but with constant relapses and becoming more and more ashamed of myself and feeling more and more out of control of my life, and as a result developing more and more problems psychologically. It all sort of came tumbling down and I had what I think to myself anyway as a sort of spiritual experience, like exactly what I needed when I felt like I couldnt take it anymore, it was then that I realized underlying my addiction there were a lot of problems that are steering my life from the blind side of my consciousness, a lot of stuff I hold onto but dont even acknowledge sometimes because its too painful sometimes because it seems easier to be a zombie and slightly dissociated then actually feel real remorse or guilt or fear or whatever it is your trying to run away from.

I was sober for a long time, but the depression came back in whenever I would come close to another person or feel as if I was connected to them its as if this brick wall came up in my heart and all I wanted to do was run away, and it left people feeling confused as to why when they seemed to like a person and they liked you back and you guys had a connection, that they would then shut you out and basically ignore you.

I felt like I couldnt get past this and basically became a "rage" addict, since I felt like I couldnt ever get past this, I just lashed out at anyone near me since it seemed hopeless to ever be happy.

I've gotten somewhat better, but honestly I dont think I could function day to day without drugs at the place I'm in right now. Meeting with someone every three weeks and work through trauma if it even is trauma thats the source of my problems, is fine, and hearing encouragement in that it is possible to recover whatever that looks like, but I'm stuck with myself 24/7 and have responsibilities. If I didnt work I'd likely be homeless, I live with my parents on the condition that I go to school and have a job, I couldnt find a job for the longest time because people felt nervous around me because they wondered why I wasn't calm or acting normally around people. This drug though addictive atleast gave me the ability to do those things.

As for the actual meeting it did become kind of emotionally combative, I remember telling her about how I felt weird about how I imagined what she might think of me and she referred to this as maybe "paranoia" on my part, and thats when I think I sort of put up a wall, and it basically fell apart from there. She'd never mentioned anything about being sober in meetings upon first meeting or anything like that it was the first time she mentioned it when she asked me to leave. I realize these negative feelings or thoughts may not be true, but the sense of it, the fear that they are true, thats very very real.

I feel really awkward asking for a follow up meeting, and I'm unclear if she actually wants me to see another therapist or just wanted me to see a drug counselor. I have a meeting with one coming up this week. I assumed when she asked me to leave, and I responded by asking if I could switch therapists that that meant 'we're done here" essentially, but over the phone when I asked the receptionist to set me up with another therapist they said it was unusual for a therapist to ask a patient to leave in the middle of a session, they called her and they told me she said she didnt ask for a transfer, only that I see chemical dependency.

As for a psychiatrist... I dont see how self medicating is really any different then taking drugs from a psych. I take these drugs at regularly prescribed doses though they're obtained illegally. They don't want to give me addictive stuff because of a past with addiction but the stuff they do give me either makes anxiety worse, does nothing at all, or has bizarre side effects, or does deal with anxiety but makes you so tired that you cant function cognitively.

I think I'm just gonna go ahead and ask for a transfer in a while, I'm gonna wait just so they dont think I'm being difficult... I definitely dont want a reputation as a difficult client, since it may be paranoia on my part but nurses doctors etc if they dont like you for whatever reason, they're human after all, can be vindictive in all sorts of ways, and I'm scared of getting on their bad side and making things worse for myself, whether that's a realistic fear or not idk.

[musinglizzy]

I was on valium a couple of years and somewhat recently was switched to Xanax. I am not dependent, as I can go days without taking any at all, then there are other days where I take it 3x day. But, although it's never been suggested to me, one rule I have given myself is not to take it before a session. I want my T to see the "real" me. I don't want to be on any medication that just covers up my feelings....I need her to see the real me, nerves and all. Just my own rule.

[anilam]

Hm, my T prefers clients not to be under influence too but I can't imagine him kicking me out of session if I was (unless I was being aggressive). That's just unhelpful.
Did she tell you this was her "rule" for therapy. My T stated in the beginning that if clients are heavily medicated (legally or illegally), talk therapy is usually pointless. So this eventually could be a reason for terminating or pausing of therapy but only if the T feels he can't help the client and only after a long discussion with the client over this (cause the client could still find it helpful even if the T can't see it and then it could be beneficial to continue). Terminating abruptly (even after only 3 session) is unprofessional.

[plixplox]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I was on valium a couple of years and somewhat recently was switched to Xanax. I am not dependent, as I can go days without taking any at all, then there are other days where I take it 3x day. But, although it's never been suggested to me, one rule I have given myself is not to take it before a session. I want my T to see the "real" me. I don't want to be on any medication that just covers up my feelings....I need her to see the real me, nerves and all. Just my own rule.

Valiums kind of tricky in that it has a really long half life, and can stay in your blood for up to 200 hours. I've also gone 3-4 days without taking benzos and the only thing I noticed was a bit of a hard time sleeping, I've heard the horror stories about withdrawal but I guess I'll see what it's like for me.

[AncientMelody]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am not an addict at all and the one I see actually suggested I have a drink or take a xanax (she said to get one from a friend of mine - not any specific friend - she just believed I would have at least one friend who took them) before coming to an appointment. I relate this just so it is known they are not all like the one the OP described.

Wow. That's really unethical for a mental health professional to recommend drug diversion, especially to a client without a diagnosis for that particular medication.