Thinking of taking a break from therapy

Had a session today that did not go well, but even prior to this I've been thinking I might need a break. I'm too obsessed, and I don't think I'm working through or even addressing the longing feelings I suffer with all week. Our relationship is starting to feel stale. I feel like my therapist just wants to chat with me rather than try to provoke me to bring up deeper stuff, yet at the same time wants to hold me away at arms length so I know I'm not really his friend, just someone he does business with. I don't know how I'm supposed to interact anymore, having casual conversation with someone whose no one to me, maybe I am angry. I have no idea how to address it even, because I feel so pathetic. Our appointments seem to get shorter and shorter and I'm not saying anything new. Today even though he was in the office and not seeing anyone he came out to get me 5 minutes late, this seems to be his new pattern. Any ideas? Part of me wants to go back to the old therapist I had who would just listen to me while I cry.

As you probably remember (as you replied to my thread at the time) I've been through something very similar recently. Transference, attachment, feeling rejected, hurt, wanting to terminate, taking a break, the whole horrible blah.
I'm currently on a break from T (doesn't quite feel like one yet as we would have been breaking for xmas anyway) I had an initial session with a second T and I'm seeing him again next week. I'm mainly wanting to work through the transference with new T and return to my old one. Although I already miss my old T, this has been such a good decision for me. It has given me the opportunity and motivation to examine my feelings for T and why they can cause me such hurt. I wrote him an honest and detailed letter about my feelings for him. I don't intend to send it but I might read it to temporary T. It was really cathartic.
I also think that old T appreciates working with me a bit more as a result of this. In our last session he said "I have learned so much from working with you, professionally and personally, so I'm losing something too". I sort of think that when I go back to him, the little ruts we were both getting into will have improved, especially if I can go to him with greater honesty about the roots of my transference. Like your T, my T seems a little defensive about my feelings and has said hurtful things.
I think what I'm trying to say is that if you feel a break is the right thing, you might be right. I don't know if you feel the need to have a temporary T to help you work through stuff in the meantime, but either way, space might do the relationship some good.
Good luck with whatever you decide, and happy new year!

Echos, Thanks for your reply. It's encouraging to hear that it's been good for you so far. Yeah, I just feel in a rut. I know I need to talk about certain feelings and I resent the feelings and resent my vulnerability. So did you not tell your therapist why you needed the break? I'm thinking of emailing mine and letting him know, maybe having one goodbye session and then taking a month or so off.

I resent the feelings and the vulnerability too, it makes me frustrated with myself and with him. Since the break I have started to realise what a young part of myself these needy feelings come from. I think that's what makes me more uncomfortable and frustrated than anything.
I told him that I felt we kept going in circles and I kept on ending up hurt. I told him that I have attachment issues and transference that I need to work through without him. I haven't told him about the ET though
The goodbye session was really important to me so I definitely recommend it

I get the feeling like my therapist is intentionally trying to upset me, or maybe it's not intentional and it's just what he reminds me of. Maybe it's just me, or it was just that comment he made about us having a business relationship. I'm just so angry and hurt lately, and I sit there with him and rationalize like nothings wrong, but at the same time cry my eyes out and scream when I'm alone. I'm having the most toxic thoughts again, and I don't want to bring them up even because doing so has always felt manipulative to me. So... I emailed him and told him I was struggling with this and thought after next week I could take some time off. I didn't mention, but I might go back to the old therapist I saw, it has been a couple years now. Maybe I can process these feelings with her since I don't care much for her yet, LOL.

I felt that too with some of the things my T said. ("One day you'll have to kill me off. You have to own that" while at the same time telling me he's still close to his former therapist).
Actually I think he was just insensitive, and your T's comment sounds quite similar. Like a really clumsy way of reminding us (as if we needed reminding!) that the relationship is finite and professional. Probably not intended to hurt but perhaps naïve on our Ts' part.
It's great you have another T to fall back on who already knows you. My new T is having to sort of fill in the gaps himself because I'm so keen to get on with processing the transference that I'm not giving him a chance to get to know me.

Hm, that's an interesting comment he made. It's funny because most children never have to kill off their parents. We might separate, but kill off? I think having a therapist is a poor substitute. Really poor. Maybe that's why I'm so angry. I was so ripped off and he's unrelenting lately at throwing it in my face. Every session a good dose of it is about how much he loves his real kids.

My therapist has also told me he keeps in close touch with his ex-therapist. He's made several vague comments that could be construed as if we might one day be friends, like "you should meet my friend so and so and ask her this..." or "we should go for lunch here" and even "I'll always talk to you." But maybe it's feelings he's had on a whim of the moment, and the next week he sees me and thinks oh great here we go again, let's reiterate to her this is a business relationship, I'll make sure to point out how she's not a real friend, she's not a kid of mine. Meanwhile I get it, I don't need him to tell me because I truly get it.

To be fair, it is a turn of phrase he's used more than once, but in that context it stung a bit. My response was 'I don't have to own that right now'.
Yeah it's such a slap in the face when they go on about their real family. My T does that a lot. He also said "Your narrative is just great, you should write a book. If you did, I'd read it in a breath" All I took from that was 'We will still be in touch in the future, so I would know that you had written a book and I could read it'. I know that wasn't the point of the comment but that's what I wanted to hear I suppose. Mixed messages don't help the transference but I'm not sure they are always even aware of what messages they are sending.
It sounds like we have quite similar scenarios going on. PM me if you ever want to chat

There's certainly nothing wrong with taking a break. It.could allow you clear your mind and sit a bit.with whatever work you've been doing. Sometimes I think that's important vs constantly plowing on without time to consider/process/grow/heal. You may learn something about yourself while flying solo too!

Petra, have you spoken to him about the 'business relationship' comment? Were you able to tell him how angry you are? ... and about being constantly late? I don't know if I've misread your posts but it sounds pretty cruel to insinuate there's more to your relationship (talking about lunch etc), then knock you down by discussing his kids and his girlfriend. I find it really hard to stomach the idea of a therapist discussing his love for his kids and his dating life, to any client, let alone one who has disclosed strong feelings towards him.

I don't know what to suggest but if you do decide to take a break, please tell him why you're angry, because I think it will be important for you. I can certainly relate to feeling caught up in the obsession and feelings and wondering whether it's worth all the pain... I haven't come to a conclusion yet. With all that's written about ET, I'm starting to wonder whether anyone really gets it - I think it's very complex and multi layered and has potential for damage.

Not really good at confrontation. I've told him a bit I'm angry, about how the comment hurt me. I haven't mentioned the lateness. I think I'm afraid he'll hate me if I complain too much. I'm embarrassed that hearing about his family hurts me so much. Would it bother you? Is that normal? So I've definitely said I'm taking a break, but I have also cried nonstop for the past few days and I feel worse than ever. I thought today, who says I'm just mourning some childhood loss, I'm mourning a current loss. I still have no family, I never will outside my husband. Maybe I'm not just transferring childhood stuff but real current stuff, like I need someone to care about me, I need someone to have a relationship that's not just about the exchange of money for the service of pretending to care.

I just brought the topic up about T's kid(s) in another thread. Perhaps I should have just started a new thread, but I didn't want to seem pathetic...lol

My T goes on about her daughter....and yes, I'm envious. One time I got the nerve to bring it up....I shocked myself that's for sure! She took it well. She actually seemed to understand. I know she has a teenage daughter, and I know they are close and do a lot together. T knows I was born to a child myself, and for most of my childhood, my mom did nothing to support or protect me, and we were far from close. In fact estranged for 10 years.... It is what it is....but it really stings to have T bringing up her precious daughter all the time. I really like my T, and I am sure she's not completely oblivious to the fact that she's doing this, and it stings (especially since I talked to her about it), I feel like she's doing this purposely to desensitize me to the topic. It's not working...yet. But I wish she'd leave her daughter out of my therapy. Is that snotty or what?

Yeah I get it. It makes me feel bad on many levels. Part of me feels like I'm incapable of caring about him because I'm jealous of his relationships that are satisfying. One of the hardest comments he made was how it was "sooooo easy" to love his kids. I agree though, I think it's done on purpose, and that's part of why I'm running away now. I'm in a fragile state and I just can't take this right now.

Yep, it would definitely bother me, I think I would be really hurt by him talking about how much he loves his wife and kids. I don't even know whether he has kids, he doesn't disclose any personal information. He seems to make a habit of reminding me that he will be spending the break with someone else/other people, and that seems hurtful enough. I suppose he does it to provoke me into discussing my feelings about it, but honestly, the break is enough on it's own to bear.

I agree re transference, I think a lot of it is about a current lack of care too. I still believe a lot of it is connected to my past lack of love but there is definitely a current situation, which is about him and me... I think.

Sorry, I feel like I hijacked your thread. What did he say about a break? Did you decide on an amount of time? I guess the only thing I would be wary of, would be unconsciously reacting to the Xmas break, but you have other reasons too, I know. Hope you are ok. X x

I was really bummed to see it deleted. But sorry I hijacked it too.

I took a month long break at one point (usually see 2x/week) and my T thought it could be a good thing. It kind of was - and I think it will really depend on how one approaches it and particular circumstances. At the point I took my break, I had been stressed out and 'obsessing' about therapy - most sessions left me hurting or had me feeling guilty for being a real witch to T.

Pros that I experienced:
- had more time for 'real life' people and made plans
- got 2-4 extra hours back, used them for self-care activities
- saved up the $ I would've spent (almost a grand over a month!)
- was able to regain some 'distance' and untangle some of the transference so it wasn't *quite* so painful/blinding
- gave T a break and I think he needed it, though I doubt he'd admit that
- T made sure to tell me I could 'check in' via email AND that he'd see me whenever I wanted to come back, even if it was sooner (I did end up checking in around once a week, kind of to see if he was still there...)

Cons
- I kind of used the break as a way to "test" T and see if he'd object/want to "keep me" (this was a black/white thinking kind of thing) and it kind of hurt to have him say a break could be good
- It made me INCREDIBLY anxious about going back, like I was supposed to go back and be "better" and not so *****y and everything would be fixed - felt a lot of pressure
- We spent the next six months 'processing' wtf went on with the break and how it made me feel (so like, it interrupts stuff)
- I had lots of "fun" imagining that he was going to replace me or that he was having a grand time with someone else in "my" time slot (ugh!)
- I was angry that it had come down to a break and kind of still am sometimes

All in all, if you feel like what's getting in the way is transference and that everything your T does is to hurt you - a break might help you get some space to breathe and maybe the transference will dissolve a little. It did for me. I came to see how I was seeing him and how I was also contributing to the issues.

However, just be aware that a break can be hard in itself if you have any abandonment issues or are trying to "get rid of" the unpleasant parts of therapy. For me, it echoed a pattern of trying to just "handle thing myself" or hide. I wonder if we had processed my anger if it might have been healthier for me.

So, long ramble - but if you feel angry, I would suggest that you try to process that first. As you pointed out to me an hour or two ago - do you want a break, or do you want to "get back" at him for some of those comments and show him that it's "just business" for you too?

Scallion, thanks for breaking it down for me. I think our experiences might be similar, not sure. I especially liked your last line, LOL, yeah I think I do want to get back at him in anger a bit. I don't like being this vulnerable and feeling like someone is rubbing it in my face that I don't mean that much to them. I do have abandonment issues, and I wonder if he wont fire me when I try to come back. Maybe part of it is a test. I have the feeling he doesn't want to see me anymore, so this might be my way of seeing how he responds. Of course, he didn't try to talk me out of it.