I havent made many posts lately because for the last month I've had a turbulent struggle inside. I shared something painful for the first time. At the same time I have felt disconnected from my T. She often says im pusshing her away.. I don't know what to do. I feel defeated. I wish I could just ask her to care about me but its so unreasonable. I wish she would come sit beside me on the coach instead of across from me. I wish instead of doing somatic exercises and examining my physical distress, she would just hold my hand and feel my pain. Why can't she just give me a hug so I can finally shed a tear in session. Why can't she be the mom I never had? Its such a frustration for me.... b/c she represents that inaccessible love in the same way my mom was inaccessible. I wanted her to love me so much but she kept drawing away. This week I asked to terminate sessions because my transference is getting too much for me. I was to the point of being suicdidal and the only way i could feel better is to know I didnt have to go to session again. But yet she wants to have a session about that. Im nervous.... I wish it could work out but feel it won't .. T's just not allowed to care to that extent.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( esthersvirtue )))))))))))))

[Rapunzel]

((((((((((( EV )))))))))))))

I can't believe how much this sounds like me!! This is exactly what I have been going through the last month. I told T something that has made me feel like terminating the whole thing!! For reasons I don't understand, that last thing I told her has made me totally disconnect from her!! It's really strange, but I'm still hanging in there. I so know what you mean about wanting a hug. Sometimes it's almost unbearable and alone. We just have to accept that physical affection isn't part of the therapy. Sometimes I feel like screaming "Why don't you just give me a hug?". I do feel some sense of caring in her eyes though, but sometimes that just makes me feel even sadder. I have never cried in therapy either, although I truely wish I could....in fact I haven't really cried for a long time! Just hang in there and know that this will pass, don't end therapy yet. I feel for you so much ev and totally understand ((((((((((((((((((ev))))))))))))))))))))).

[sunrise]

(((((ev))))) Can you ask her if you can table the somatic exercises for a while and do something else you have a greater need for? Maybe that would help. Therapists are trained in how to provide a held sense without physically touching. If she can give it, see if you can feel it. Just slow down and reach out for it. Maybe it is there for you. (((hugs)))

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((EV)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

((EV)) Echoes thread about feeling disconnected may help you! You know I often wanted T to hug me, but you know what? If she did she would have just been posponing the mourning for the hugs I needed a long time ago and never got! But T's will sit with us and allow us the space and safety to feel the grief of the hugs we never got a long tiime ago!

Take care!

[Perna]

Esthersvirtue, I don't think it is about the "extent" to which your T can/cannot love you but "how" and why. Sitting with you and holding your hand wouldn't make you any stronger, any better, which is what your T would like to help with, it would actually be a disservice to you. Think how when children are young they want sweets, candy, things that aren't necessarily good for them. Love is good/necessary for everyone but what we "want" is not necessarily the same as "love." I think your T is loving you well in working with you the way she is, unlike your mother who did not and unlike the craving for "sweets" you currently feel.

it is hard though. some therapists have a voice that is more soothing than others. some are good at conveying emotional holding with their voice and posture and others aren't so much.

some therapists will hold the clients hand. or give them a hug even. some won't, but i guess you don't know if you don't ask (if you haven't already). sometimes expressing it as a 'wish' can be a way of kind of asking but not really asking.

hang in there sweetie, this too shall pass. take extra gentle care.

[MissCharlotte]

((((((Esther)))))

You have been working on very painful core issues. I don't know for sure, because I have not gotten as far as you have in my therapy but I believe that if you could tell your T that the transference is too much for you maybe she can help you manage it better. I remember once tellng my T how difficult it was for me when he was away for 3 weeks and it was almost impossible for me to get back into the groove so to speak when he returned. He looked at me and said, "I'm just going to rephrase this for you. You missed me." It sounded so simple that I just smiled and was able to begin again. He managed it for me and made it ok. Maybe your T can do this for you.

I hope you can take good care of yourself and your pain diminishes.

Hi All,

Thank you for your replies. I'm not sure what to do still. I don't know if I can deal with getting less than some emotional comfort. I don't know how she could convey it to me. I know some have said their T's hold their hand and hug. I dunno. Its beyond that though. Its more that I feel like I need more empathy.. more letting me express my pain and more subsequent comfort after i do that. Maybe all this is related to me having borderline/avoidant tendencies. I want and need ppl too much and if I cant get it I run away because it hurts too much to not get something or be mad or frustrated with someone who isnt giving it to me. It makes me so tired.

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Its beyond that though. Its more that I feel like I need more empathy.. more letting me express my pain and more subsequent comfort after i do

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EV, tell her this. Keep going, give her more chances. There is a way of feeling "held" in therapy and when it happens you'll feel it.

Give it and her.. and you.. some more time and room.

Talk about this more with her. It's important.

ECHOES

[Fuzzybear]

"I want and need ppl too much and if I can't get it I run away because it hurts too much to not get something or be mad or frustrated with someone who isn't giving it to me. It makes me so tired"

It feels "hopeless" I know and some people don't even try to understand, even T's sometimes

We must be twins (except I have been known to "act out" when in pain, scared and caught off guard instead of verbalising in a "mature" manner, which makes people (including a T) ...... dislike me. Never again ...)

Running away now

But give her another chance, I know it hurts so much. But you have the ability to verbalise your feelings so well, I think you'll be able to get your T to understand you and empathise with you ...... give it more time

[lauren_helene]

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esthersvirtue said:
Hi All,

I don't know if I can deal with getting less than some emotional comfort. I don't know how she could convey it to me. I know some have said their T's hold their hand and hug.

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(((EV))) I know exactly what you are saying here. I want and need the same thing and it is never going to happen. My T says this is all not about him. Maybe it's not all about him but some of it is. I think I know the difference. I also recognize that I'm not getting hand holding, hugging or much of anything else from my husband or family. So my T is the closest person to me and I'm looking to him for it.

Even if I found the perfect mate who gave me what I needed emotionally, it is not going to change how I feel about my T and what I'd like from him once in awhile. I know other T's do hug when needed. I'll never ask for any of it though. No way!

Some days, I want to give up to EV. I want to run a lot of time and just stop wishing for something that is never going to happen. I try to refocus this on me and it's just a never ending cycle. That is why last week I called my post up...down...up...down.

It's a rollercoaster...

[SecretGarden]

I wonder if my pdoc makes others feel loved. I do not. I knew that this was a different therapy when I started but sometimes I would like him to just say that he likes me.... and he will not. Is this because he knows this will give me an inch? I think that we are on a journey right now and it is not easy. A few weeks ago I faxed him to not abandon me and please call me... He did not. He said it would not have helped. Guess I am not appeasable so that is why ..he did not give an inch.

I feel the need for love too. I know I am supposed to be figuring something out right now....working it through.... I have to hold on to that and hope that I will.

If he makes others feel loved I would be soooooo jealous.

> I don't know if I can deal with getting less than some emotional comfort. I don't know how she could convey it to me.

so it is more about feeling emotionally comforted rather than physically comforted? some therapists are warmer / more forthcoming with comfort than others. mine will kind of lean forward with this concerned look on his face and i can see that he is figuring out what i'm feeling and feeling it along with me. and if it gets too intense then he can help distract me and stuff. i guess that is a kind of emotional holding. a lot of the time... i think that what he says is a whole heap less important than the way he has said it too. he has a gentle voice. i can hear the differnce when he is like 'we are nearly out of time'.

> Its more that I feel like I need more empathy.. more letting me express my pain and more subsequent comfort after i do that.

well that sounds reasonable to me. could you talk to your therapist about that? maybe what you need is a bit more validation and encouragement.

its just now I've been complaining allot. I've been so difficult to work with. I'm now just fearful of staying. Its the catch 22. You have to complain to get what you want and then when i do, i feel afraid.

[SecretGarden]

I understand....

[withit]

EV, I wish I could say something that will make you feel better....

I used to see a t who was very warm and caring. Her voice was soft, her eyes so caring, I felt held.... In addition she asked a lot of questions that gave me opportunites to express how I was feeling.
Currently, I am seeing a different t....I still don't feel the warmth....she doesn't elicit as much...I have told her what it is I need from her....yet it is not forthcoming. I think I need 'catch her in the act'...when she is talking and explaining...and point it out to her right then and there...tell her what it is I need instead....but I somehow don't do it then and there...only when I come home I feel a vague sense of frustration.....frustrated at not getting the kind of response I want from her.....I know that when I will get the response I want I will feel held....

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withit said:
Currently, I am seeing a different t....I still don't feel the warmth....she doesn't elicit as much...I have told her what it is I need from her....yet it is not forthcoming. I think I need 'catch her in the act'...when she is talking and explaining...and point it out to her right then and there...tell her what it is I need instead....but I somehow don't do it then and there...only when I come home I feel a vague sense of frustration

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OMG.. That is exactly how I feel after sessions sometimes.!!! Hurt, and frustrated

[withit]

EV, I got the sense from your posts that you were experiencing the kind of frustrtion I am....

How about we address this with our t's this week?

BTW, how long u seeing this t?

[PetulantWolf]

EV, I understand. But hang in there...dont run away..i know its hard....im a runner awayer too...just becasue your T doesnt hug you doesnt mean she doesnt care about you..

It sounds like youve been talking a lot lately, so of course you need some encouragement and empathy. I think you should tell her...after I disclose stuff or get bordrline on my T always feel weird and i need reassurance. and probably no matter how muchhe gives me it wont be enough but its nice when he tries. but sometimes I have to ask.

Give it a shot. say something. you can always run later. but try first....

Im not your T, but ((((EV)))))))

[withit]

EV, here's an exerpt from my journal; it may resonate for you. I am copying it because I saw you posted in the dep. forum (hosp. for suic.)

. So lost. I can’t develop this connect with MN. I am so afraid to ask for what I want cuz I fear she will say shoo and I hate myself for wanting something so specific, a specific kind of response. Though that is what I find helpful. But FL so rejected it it made me feel damaged goods. I must be bad for wanting something so bad.

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withit said:
I am so afraid to ask for what I want cuz I fear she will say shoo and I hate myself for wanting something so specific, a specific kind of response. ...I must be bad for wanting something so bad.

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I'm so sorry for your pain, withit!!! I truely understand because it sounds like it could be written from my heart.

[SecretGarden]

That is where I am right now too.... and it is not fun.

But I think he is trying to jump start me by kicking me in the arse. It hurts.

I wish I could answer something helpful to you but I can just say that I understand and wish I knew how to do things or feel things differently.