[IndestructibleGirl]

I am so frustrated at myself, because I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I am coping healthily - what does coping even mean, really?

I don't want to go back to ex therapist, of course I don't - it was driving me mad with the chopping and changing and inconsistency. The last ten months was a lot of anxiety and dissatisfaction, with quite a lot of hurtful bouts of unprofessionalism, and rare peaks of intense joy. That isn't how it should be.

But I have never loved anyone that intensely, apart from my mother. I feel quite empty, and I shouldn't - I have friends who I love, but for some reason it's not helping. I think the reason I'm hesitant about launching into how devastated I am is because it almost feels like I'm giving my friends a slap in the face - like I'm basically saying I love them less than this bloody woman, who ****ed me over, and that they can't help soften the blow. They are being great but I just don't want to discuss it with them. This is what makes me wonder am I repressing some kind of erotic attraction to ex therapist - because my devastation doesn't feel like it fits just therapy. I thought I had explored the brief romantic feelings I had for her, and that it had simply faded away - primarily because when I was in the room with her, I never was thinking oh I want to have sex with you. And I had an experimental wank again the other day, when I was in a particularly amorous mood, and I just couldn't properly come thinking about her, it felt sordid rather than passionate - and then my mind zipped onto Daniel Craig to belt out another orgasm, and all was well

But what I do miss, is the intimacy, the intensity, and I think, the sensuality? I worry I will never have that again. I want to believe I will have this richness with somebody else again, but I am paranoid now more than ever that once people get to know me they change their minds, and realise they don't love me after all. I feel that my friends stick by me because we are like family, but even around them I am becoming a bit more careful, and that maybe I need to go back to being less emotionally honest with them when I'm struggling in case they withdraw from me too.

I think she did love me to the best of her ability for a time. But then her behaviour strikes me as weak and lacking in integrity whenever she realised it was fading away. She disengaged emotionally for the most part, but kept seeing me, and sometimes felt a wave of affection for me. This muddled the situation further because it gave me false hope that things could be okay again, and feeding me a few lines kept me hanging on and not seeing her for what she really was. Love has to come from the heart or not at all.

Then I think she felt guilty at making such a hames of everything, and didn't like feeling guilty, so acted out her anger at me being the cause of her guilt, to try to make me feel I was to blame for everything. She ended the therapy in a way that was easiest for her, instead of being kind enough and professional enough to do it correctly, and refer me out as soon as she started getting over invested.

I know I haven't really lost anything, just a handful of dust and meaningless promises. I don't want to be close to somebody who is so careless with my feelings.

Why do I want to talk to her then?

I am staggered at my own insane heart impulse. But I miss being loved - or believing it, she was very convincing for a while. The toughest part is knowing it's the person I loved most in the world who did this, that she must think I'm worth nothing, it makes it really hard not to hate myself after this kind of betrayal. I don't hate myself, and I'm doing basic good self care but I can't get my **** together. I can't organise myself properly, I have no motivation even though I know there's stuff I passionately want to do. It makes no sense.

[unaluna]

You promise you wont get mad if i call transference on that last paragraph? There is only one person imo we have that bond with, thats parent-child. Everyone else is replaceable. Transferable. I just hear you saying, how or why should i go on if even my mother didnt love me - even tho you try to grab the responsibility for loving, im not buying it, sorry. Well, my personal rationale is, she is dumb. I am smarter. And now that i am here, i should make the best of it.

[feralkittymom]

IG, I haven't had this experience with a T. But when another loving relationship ended because it also was fused with pain, I found the way through it was first the revisiting thoughts and actions and rewriting history in my head. But finally, peace came when I could accept and embrace the good feelings--really take them into my heart as genuine and grieve their loss. Trying to discredit the good feelings was a way to defend against and protect me from the hurt of losing them, but it left me feeling worse. I think because there could be no resolution that way. Embracing the good feelings allowed me to feel the loss, which was painful, but necessary in order to let it go. The benefit is that the good feelings remain--tempered by the sadness that they couldn't last--but they do remain, and that's easier to live with.

[Ididitmyway]

FKM makes a good point about embracing the good feelings about the person who hurt you and to acknowledge the good part of that relationship. Of course, it wasn't all about hurt. It almost never is. Clearly, there was a part of the relationship with your ex-T that was giving you something important, something you needed badly. No reason to deny that. Denying that would only keep you stuck. Of course, it's painful to think of good moments now, but that's how pain gets released little by little. It doesn't get released if it's not even acknowledged and the grieving can't start.

But it looks from your post that you are embracing the good part of the relationship right now and accepting the pain that comes with it..It's good.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by hankster

You promise you wont get mad if i call transference on that last paragraph? There is only one person imo we have that bond with, thats parent-child. Everyone else is replaceable. Transferable. I just hear you saying, how or why should i go on if even my mother didnt love me - even tho you try to grab the responsibility for loving, im not buying it, sorry. Well, my personal rationale is, she is dumb. I am smarter. And now that i am here, i should make the best of it.

I don't think transference is a dirty word And I think you are jolly well right - a part of the problem is she reactivated an ancient old wound, and then buggered off. That's the therapisty bit that I am angry about, and take a very dim view of. I have finally made my peace with and forgive my biological mother, and could really be doing with a supportive therapeutic ally as it's quite a big step. I don't want to go backwards.

But there was also a dual relationship there, and the loss of her non-therapist self that hurts in a completely different way.

So it is twofold. It's not ****ing fair.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

IG, I haven't had this experience with a T. But when another loving relationship ended because it also was fused with pain, I found the way through it was first the revisiting thoughts and actions and rewriting history in my head. But finally, peace came when I could accept and embrace the good feelings--really take them into my heart as genuine and grieve their loss. Trying to discredit the good feelings was a way to defend against and protect me from the hurt of losing them, but it left me feeling worse. I think because there could be no resolution that way. Embracing the good feelings allowed me to feel the loss, which was painful, but necessary in order to let it go. The benefit is that the good feelings remain--tempered by the sadness that they couldn't last--but they do remain, and that's easier to live with.

I don't think I am discrediting the good feelings at all, really. I do believe she loved me to the best of her ability for a time - and then faked it a bit for a while out of cowardice, because she's a flawed human. I don't think she is bad or evil, but she is thoughtless, and was certainly sloppy in her professional approach with me, which unfortunately led to lots of pain.

Do you think I'm being too hard on her? Is that what you mean by rewriting history? That's not my intention, I'm trying to take a bird's eye view.

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

FKM makes a good point about embracing the good feelings about the person who hurt you and to acknowledge the good part of that relationship. Of course, it wasn't all about hurt. It almost never is. Clearly, there was a part of the relationship with your ex-T that was giving you something important, something you needed badly. No reason to deny that. Denying that would only keep you stuck. Of course, it's painful to think of good moments now, but that's how pain gets released little by little. It doesn't get released if it's not even acknowledged and the grieving can't start.

But it looks from your post that you are embracing the good part of the relationship right now and accepting the pain that comes with it..It's good.

Yes, I can see all the good bits. She did give me something I needed, but I'm not sure it was hers to give in the first place. It was like offering crack to an addict - gives relief and makes them feel amazing for a short while, but then they are in a pickle.

[feralkittymom]

She did give me something I needed, but I'm not sure it was hers to give in the first place.

This^ seems very doubting to me. If it wasn't hers to give, what was it?

[SallyBrown]

I wish I could tell you what to do to feel better, but I do have the urge to say that what you are feeling strikes me as very, very normal. I know those feelings of ending a bad relationship, KNOWING it was overall bad for me and that it was the right thing to end it, but longing for the intensity and the good stuff. Of course you are feeling the absence of that intensity.

You're grieving, and your distractedness, lack of motivation, need to work through things that you can't really work through with your exT... these are all really normal and there's nothing wrong with you and no reason to be frustrated with yourself.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

She did give me something I needed, but I'm not sure it was hers to give in the first place.

This^ seems very doubting to me. If it wasn't hers to give, what was it?

It was overstepping the mark, I think? She gave something not sustainable, not realistic, something pretending to be more than it was.

I believe she meant it at the time - but being a therapist, and not a girlfriend, should have meant that she did not indulge her own feelings and say all that stuff to me. Because it could only end up one way, as it was a therapy relationship?

When I was seeing her once every five days, for example - I was ok with that. Whenever I said I loved her, I was not really expecting her to say it back but at the same time it felt like I was invited, because it was her who started to put kisses on the ends of texts and use the words 'much love' in correspondance with me, which seeded the idea that love was okay and welcome.

It was a conversation late on New Year's Eve, where she was banging on about it being a special time of year, and how we could say special things to each other...and I didn't say it (though had written it) and later that night she sent me a text that to my mind sealed everything. It went on about how I enriched her life, it was better for me being in it, had seventeen kisses and called me her sweetheart for the first time.

When I returned to London, I called her and said I felt so loved and was confused, because surely it couldn't be? She said yes, sometimes we are lucky enough to meet the people who love us back, and who would say it first?

It was shortly after this she suggested dramatically upping the sessions.

That all just feels so wrong now. Like I say, I believe she meant it at the time - but a professional with 20 years experience should know better than to get embroiled in a very intense, enigmatic sort of love like this. It feels very clear that it was all primarily about meeting some need of hers. It was lovely, and yes it was healing, but it ain't therapy!

So, those expressions of love were not hers to give, in her role as therapist.

I don't know, I am literally so confused by it all, am I making no sense?

[skycastle]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

It was overstepping the mark, I think? She gave something not sustainable, not realistic, something pretending to be more than it was.

I believe she meant it at the time - but being a therapist, and not a girlfriend, should have meant that she did not indulge her own feelings and say all that stuff to me. Because it could only end up one way, as it was a therapy relationship?

When I was seeing her once every five days, for example - I was ok with that. Whenever I said I loved her, I was not really expecting her to say it back but at the same time it felt like I was invited, because it was her who started to put kisses on the ends of texts and use the words 'much love' in correspondance with me, which seeded the idea that love was okay and welcome.

It was a conversation late on New Year's Eve, where she was banging on about it being a special time of year, and how we could say special things to each other...and I didn't say it (though had written it) and later that night she sent me a text that to my mind sealed everything. It went on about how I enriched her life, it was better for me being in it, had seventeen kisses and called me her sweetheart for the first time.

When I returned to London, I called her and said I felt so loved and was confused, because surely it couldn't be? She said yes, sometimes we are lucky enough to meet the people who love us back, and who would say it first?

It was shortly after this she suggested dramatically upping the sessions.

That all just feels so wrong now. Like I say, I believe she meant it at the time - but a professional with 20 years experience should know better than to get embroiled in a very intense, enigmatic sort of love like this. It feels very clear that it was all primarily about meeting some need of hers. It was lovely, and yes it was healing, but it ain't therapy!

So, those expressions of love were not hers to give, in her role as therapist.

I don't know, I am literally so confused by it all, am I making no sense?

You are making a LOT of sense. I think you have gone through an experience that is difficult for some to understand, but that doesn't mean that you aren't making an accurate assessment of what happened. I'm sorry your therapist was so unprofessional and that it ended up in a great deal of hurt for you.

[feralkittymom]

No question that she should have known and acted more professionally. Her actions were very wrong. But as you say, her intention was authentic--and that's the part that makes it so hard to walk away. But I think separating that kernal of authenticity from all the bad enactions is something valuable to keep, especially for those times when you feel undeserving of love.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

No question that she should have known and acted more professionally. Her actions were very wrong. But as you say, her intention was authentic--and that's the part that makes it so hard to walk away. But I think separating that kernal of authenticity from all the bad enactions is something valuable to keep, especially for those times when you feel undeserving of love.

I know. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and all that..

I feel like I am going to turn inside out with utter confusion.

Her sodding PA has just emailed back to acknowledge receipt of data request, and I feel like I have been knifed in the gut just seeing the names pop up on the screen.

In my head, the PA replaced me in her affections and their relationship is resplendent in closeness and fun and general good things.

I know that sounds completely mad, I am shocked at my own madness about it. I'm jealous. It is so mind-bendingly ridiculous.

[InRealLife45]

I think I understand it...that they get carried away in what theyre feeling in the moment, and so they go with it and offer all this love and acceptance, drown us in it, envelop us- and then one day they just yank the warmth away and say its not appropriate, and its just plain gone, and we are left to deal with it alone. and somehow they dont see anything wrong with what theyve done.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

I think I understand it...that they get carried away in what theyre feeling in the moment, and so they go with it and offer all this love and acceptance, drown us in it, envelop us- and then one day they just yank the warmth away and say its not appropriate, and its just plain gone, and we are left to deal with it alone. and somehow they dont see anything wrong with what theyve done.

WAHHH! This makes me so pissed though!!!

What exactly is the point of all the training, all the hours spent learning how to deal with people in pain, if they ride roughshod over the training and ignore it?!

What sanity switch flips in their f#cked up brain? What bit goes, hey, I know what I'm supposed to do in this situation - but I want warm fuzzies so I'm going to ignore all my ethics and training?

What happened to 'first do no harm'

The way I look at the love I have is this - my therapy has somehow shown me that I have this capacity for deep love for others, it's let that emotion emerge. Even though it felt like it was directed at my T, that love was within me and I can share it with whoever I like, family, friends, strangers on the tube, the old man who lives next door. The love is really not about my T. Would it help to view your love for your T as something that can be redirected? It is a positive thing that you gave that capacity for love.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

The way I look at the love I have is this - my therapy has somehow shown me that I have this capacity for deep love for others, it's let that emotion emerge. Even though it felt like it was directed at my T, that love was within me and I can share it with whoever I like, family, friends, strangers on the tube, the old man who lives next door. The love is really not about my T. Would it help to view your love for your T as something that can be redirected? It is a positive thing that you gave that capacity for love.

I'm sure it can be directed elsewhere and it will, down the line. I did know beforehand I was capable of deep love, so wasn't really concerned about that. Being poly, I also never bought into the notion that there's just one person for us all - I think there are a few. What pisses me off is now I feel doubtful of whether I am still poly or not.

I originally was attracted to poly because it seemed like a great way to have several meaningful relationships with people I love, and then this thing with my T...as I say, I'm not even sure what it was, but it began to enter my head that if I was capable of loving somebody like that, maybe I wanted to settle down with one person (not her, but I mean I was surprised by how intensely I focused on one person) and become monogamous again. I feel more uncertain of myself, as to what I want.

I suppose overall I feel I was emotionally hijacked. I don't think I would say 'I wish it never happened' but it has left me SO much more confused in a million ways, instead of it being a place to untangle stuff out for myself. That's grossly unfair.

[IndestructibleGirl]

It's so saddening me that she got the PA to reply. Completely ignoring me.

[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

It was overstepping the mark, I think? She gave something not sustainable, not realistic, something pretending to be more than it was.

I believe she meant it at the time - but being a therapist, and not a girlfriend, should have meant that she did not indulge her own feelings and say all that stuff to me. Because it could only end up one way, as it was a therapy relationship?

When I was seeing her once every five days, for example - I was ok with that. Whenever I said I loved her, I was not really expecting her to say it back but at the same time it felt like I was invited, because it was her who started to put kisses on the ends of texts and use the words 'much love' in correspondance with me, which seeded the idea that love was okay and welcome.

It was a conversation late on New Year's Eve, where she was banging on about it being a special time of year, and how we could say special things to each other...and I didn't say it (though had written it) and later that night she sent me a text that to my mind sealed everything. It went on about how I enriched her life, it was better for me being in it, had seventeen kisses and called me her sweetheart for the first time.

When I returned to London, I called her and said I felt so loved and was confused, because surely it couldn't be? She said yes, sometimes we are lucky enough to meet the people who love us back, and who would say it first?

It was shortly after this she suggested dramatically upping the sessions.

That all just feels so wrong now. Like I say, I believe she meant it at the time - but a professional with 20 years experience should know better than to get embroiled in a very intense, enigmatic sort of love like this. It feels very clear that it was all primarily about meeting some need of hers. It was lovely, and yes it was healing, but it ain't therapy!

So, those expressions of love were not hers to give, in her role as therapist.

I don't know, I am literally so confused by it all, am I making no sense?

Yes!

How can you be the therapist when you sometimes/frequently act like a girlfriend/lover? Oh, and lets offer you a job too?

She was messing with your head for a very long time and you finally said, no more, unacceptable, I am done.

But it's so hard when you have love and longings.

Personally, I think you are handling this as well as can be expected. Actually, better than expected because you have such tremendous insight into the process.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

Yes!

How can you be the therapist when you sometimes/frequently act like a girlfriend/lover? Oh, and lets offer you a job too?

She was messing with your head for a very long time and you finally said, no more, unacceptable, I am done.

But it's so hard when you have love and longings.

Personally, I think you are handling this as well as can be expected. Actually, better than expected because you have such tremendous insight into the process.

I lost all points for dignity and sophistication with my begging to come back after an influx of child sex abuse memories, though.

And now she is simply ignoring me. Didn't respond to my questions as to whether she will still come see my horse when I ship her over, or come to my event. Radio silence.

[ragsnfeathers]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I originally was attracted to poly because it seemed like a great way to have several meaningful relationships with people I love, and then this thing with my T...as I say, I'm not even sure what it was, but it began to enter my head that if I was capable of loving somebody like that, maybe I wanted to settle down with one person (not her, but I mean I was surprised by how intensely I focused on one person) and become monogamous again.

From what I've experienced in therapy, I don't see the therapist/client relationship as like any other "civilian" relationship. It just taps into so much deep stuff without the day-to-day routine that comes with other relationships, or even light fun times like going to the movies. I wouldn't take the way someone reacts to a therapist as the way they're going to relate to other people.

Which is part of how your T related to you so wrong.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I lost all points for dignity and sophistication with my begging to come back after an influx of child sex abuse memories, though.

And now she is simply ignoring me. Didn't respond to my questions as to whether she will still come see my horse when I ship her over, or come to my event. Radio silence.

I am confused is that the same therapist you complaining to ethics board and the one you claim did you do so much wrong? Why would you invite her anywhere? And why would she go? That is unrealistic expectation.

If anyone complained to authorities about me or plan to I wouldn't be talking to them or attending anything. And if she did so much crap to you why would you want her around? S

Or is it a different t?

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[Bipolarchic14]

Eventually at some point in the future you may want to address this attachment with a new Therspist. I am sure the pain of losing her won't disappear over night.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am confused is that the same therapist you complaining to ethics board and the one you claim did you do so much wrong? Why would you invite her anywhere? And why would she go? That is unrealistic expectation.

If anyone complained to authorities about me or plan to I wouldn't be talking to them or attending anything. And if she did so much crap to you why would you want her around? S

Or is it a different t?

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Yes, me too. This is kind of my theme tune at the moment.

It is the same therapist. Yes, she did actually do me wrong - it's not just a claim. It is an unrealistic expectation for her to do that stuff with me now, but it hasn't always been. She said she would do all these things with me over the course of the relationship, and said we never had to be out of each other's lives for good.

When I was in at a very low ebb last week coping with assault memories, I first of all asked could I come back for some help with it - she said no, and I got all bereft and sent another email asking could she clarify on her earlier statements about doing these kinds of things in the future, and having a lifelong relationship.

I appreciate it is difficult to understand, but I still love her a lot while simultaneously being deeply hurt by her and knowing it's all a complete mess. I miss her so much, and can't quite comprehend that I can't engage with this person anymore. Like, I had a very successful morning and am in a great mood, and there's still a slight tinge of sadness there that I can't text her my news.

I can control myself enough not to get in touch with her most of the time, but when I hit a weak spot I just want to talk to her, and I think **** it I have nothing to lose anyway, and I have not reported her yet. So last week I emailed her. Obviously, I need to find the brakes to stop myself.

[divine1966]

I am thinking if you feel like this about her I would not complain to ethics board. That would make you feel worse.

Honestly this cannot possibly be life long relationship. Plus things change. Even spouses who promise to be always together get divorced. Things change. I wouldn't hold it against her. When she promised to be there things were different.

I know it hurts. But relationships do end, not always but often

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[KayDubs]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

So last week I emailed her. Obviously, I need to find the brakes to stop myself.

I know the feeling. For me it's a family member and not my T, but I know that unbearable pull to reach out again, hoping this time it'll be the thing that makes them reply and care. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Something that's helped (sometimes) is reminding myself when I'm in the moment that the feeling won't last forever; that the life-or-death urge to engage yet again won't last forever (no feelings ever do). It hasn't worked for me 100% of the time, more like 50%, but it's better than nothing! Often it's just a matter of 20-30 minutes until the feeling has passed and I no longer want to reach out.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by KayL

I know the feeling. For me it's a family member and not my T, but I know that unbearable pull to reach out again, hoping this time it'll be the thing that makes them reply and care. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Something that's helped (sometimes) is reminding myself when I'm in the moment that the feeling won't last forever; that the life-or-death urge to engage yet again won't last forever (no feelings ever do). It hasn't worked for me 100% of the time, more like 50%, but it's better than nothing! Often it's just a matter of 20-30 minutes until the feeling has passed and I no longer want to reach out.

Good post. My t tells me that I will not die of feeling certain way. I avoid things that might cause me anxiety. She says no matter how bad I feel I need to know it will pass and I won't die of it. Makes sense (easier said than done though)

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