My T Left Me...Part 2

I really still need as much support and encouragement as anyone is willing to give me. I'm hoping this thread will give me a chance to vent, be understood, be encouraged to keep moving forward, and most of all, to simply know I'm not alone through this.
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I wrote this in my last thread. I would appreciate it if the conflict of opinions would stay in the last thread and not carry over to this new thread. Please, I don't want this thread to be closed too.
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Here's the link to the last thread:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...t-left-me.html

It may sound pathetic, but I really struggled yesterday with my thread being closed. I kept wanting to reach out or read a post, but there was nothing. I can say it over and over, but I don't think it conveys the depths to what I mean. I do 100% appreciate, cherish, and need any and all support. All that you all have done for me helps me immensely. It reminds me of my strength, to take care of myself, that I'm not alone, that I still have value, that there is still hope for me...

:hug

Can ya tell I'm glad to hear from you? I hope this post stays up.

Just so you know, your current - and past - problems aside (and accounted for), I simply LIKE you.

How are you doing right now?

Simultaneous posting again.

(((((((((((hug)))))))))))
I find myself falling into the past "why?" "what did that mean?" "what if..."----and you are right, we can never know---it is what we can do with our questions along the journey that become the stuff that can sustain, or block us as individuals.
My first T. dropped me----first saying I was "fine" and could "do this on your own"; only to find out that he really did not want to "deal with" what he thought my issues were (this was confirmed by him...at first I was angry---he would have let me buy the lie and walk away...and he, of all people, given his background, I thought would have been competent to help me---if he didn't want to---I must (I thought) be REALLY BAD.
It was hard to deal with, and I ended up somehow coming to terms with that with the woman he referred me to after I learned his real reason for ending.
I suggest using some sort of creative activity to express your feelings and thoughts, see what they connect up with for you---I know that collage helps me, what happens as I let things go often surprises me, same with writing-----and physical activity also helps over time.
The only piece that matters is not the "why" of the other but your use of the experience, take the good, know the why may have nothing to do with you, and says more about the other than about you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Now that I have mouthed off, I will go back to see the old thread:{}

Yes to all of these.

I'm sorry your last thread got closed - I hadn't realized. Hopefully we can keep this one as a positive, supportive place for you.

Slightly off the immediate topic at hand, but wanted to say, I am SO IMPRESSED by all the dental work you mentioned having in the last two years! Well done that girl! 5 TEETH PULLED AT ONCE! Just reading that made me clamp my mouth shut instinctively - I had one wisdom removed last summer and it was a massive deal. Had other wisdoms taken out when I was younger and I didn't have quite as much health anxiety back then but even so I can't fathom doing a load in one day! You are a brave little cookie, Scarlet

You, SP, are not alone. You are such a strong woman and have done such a great deal of self care in the past while it's amazing. You have so much to offer others & are worth more than you know as a person. There is not limit on your value. There is and always will be hope for you.

I admire your strength.

Last night was a difficult night. I think I pushed myself too much. I saw my 1st dentist at 9am, then had to do a check-in with the clinician at 12pm, the group facilitator called me at 12:30pm and we talked for 20mins, then had to go to 2nd dentist at 2pm which lasted 2 hours, then I got a phone call from a potential T, went home, my mom came over at 5:45pm and I went out to dinner with her and my niece, and when I got home, my dog pee'd all over the carpet.... That set off my anger and the desire to SI. So I called my fiance, but he was at work and couldn't talk to me. I wanted to reach out here, but wasn't sure if I wait to see if my thread would be unlocked or start a new one.

I didn't SI...yay! I instead ate ice cream , sent the advocate some information, and worked on my DBT homework of pleasurable goal settings. I realized I was actually supposed to attempt some steps in the goals...so I didn't fully complete the homework. But I can always attempt some next week.

I still really really miss my T. I feel so helpless w/o her. Good or bad, I still love her. I do have times of being angry with her, but what I really want is her support and care. I had it for a year and a half, and to just have it ripped away...I feel fragile, vulnerable, and scared.

Today I check-in with the clinician at noon, and then have group at 3pm. Hopefully, it will be a lot calmer of a day.

I don't find it pathetic at all. It's tough when a thread gets closed, even if it's the right thing for that thread. And I think it's ok -- and great -- that you are deriving so much strength from the support you're getting here.

I had a termination issue a while back -- NOTHING like yours, but still rather traumatizing -- and being here helped a lot. What I'm wondering is, do you accept PMs from other members? If so, maybe you can establish (just by asking in this thread maybe) people you might be able to PM in the event of something like a thread getting closed?

PMing with people in a similar situation to mine was sometimes a godsend for me, and I know I've been able to be there for others in the past via PM. Unfortunately I'm on here really sporadically now, so I'm not a great person to contact... the last thing I'd want is for you to send me a message, then have me leave you hanging for a week because I didn't log on here. But I am certain there are others you could reach out to, especially those who know you better.

You're doing great, and you can do this!

...and I, instead of facing my difficult stuff yesterday, procrastinated and avoided it. You inspire me.

I would love for you to be able to take in and cherish the feeling of being cared for you got and find it in yourself and others but I'm sure not expecting more of you than I do of me. It will take time. You're working to make it happen. And you have a potential friend in your DBT group.

I'd better go offline and do my own work. Be back later. I hope your day is calm.

You are an inspiration. You are not letting your unconscious take you over. I was a basket case last week just because i had to ask where my lease renewal was - it triggered me. They gave me one, but still i "disappeared". You are up and walking and feeling. Shite happens. But let me repeat for myself - you are not flipping a switch and hiding away. That is what is amazing to me. How are you "catching" yourself?

But i am very glad to hear from you SP and always here if you want to pm me.

Xx

I'm really glad you posted another thread! You deserve support. Sending lots of positive, healing thoughts your way.

I'm not sure if this has been mentioned before on this board but I wondered if Moodscope might help? I'm doing it at the minute, I think it could be quite complimentary to DBT. What's making me suggest it is the mention that maybe you did too much yesterday - maybe the app might help you find out the points at which things become too much and too hectic, and what is managable?

Btw, i thought of some suggestions to help you cope right now:

Read a good book
Chocolate (in moderation)
Bubble baths
Walk
Listen to emotional music
Punch pillows
Ice on wrist as alternative to SI
Scenic drives
Sewing or knitting
Journaling
Scrapbooking/art
Netflix

These things usually help me.

Glad to see you're hanging in there.

This song has been on my mind lately. I find it inspirational, maybe it could be uplifting for you.

I'm not 100% sure tbh. I think it really is that I live off other people's energy. It's how I survived my whole life. As a child, my life revolved around what love I could find and my imagination. I had so many attachments to women... When I was in kindergarten, I was literally holding onto my teacher at all times and when she needed a break, she'd either drop me off with the cook (who I was also attached to) or the babies (being around babies have always calmed me). From 1st grade to 5th, I had a few friends, but everyday I would spend time with the woman who was on yard duty. That connection with women has kept me alive. Which is also why the loss of my T and similar women is so devastating.

How am I doing it now. I'm surviving off of all the support I'm getting. Each post on here, the 1min check-ins with the clinician, the DBT facilitator, the group, the counselor from the crisis house, the advocate, knowing I will be seeing a clinician for 6 weeks, my dogs, my fiance, my mom... I am living off of everyone's energy. It's like a trade. Everyone gives me support and in return, I must give back my safety. I must put in effort. And the continued support keeps me accountable. It's a reminder that I'm not alone, someone knows I exist, someone cares, and I will not take that for granted.

Beyond that, it's simply having a schedule and again accountability. I made a dentist appt, if I don't show, they don't get paid. I have a time to be at group, if I don't show, I don't deserve the extra support the county is providing. My dog needs to get her stiches out on Friday, if I don't survive, then I can't be there to support her.

That just reminded me. Sorry for the depressing example, but I hope it will show more of who I am.

So I survive off of love. I survive off of structure. I survive off of accountability. I survive because I want to love others and give back. I really want to live my life. I want to be healthy and happy. And somehow I have to survive all the trauma and setbacks and hope that my happiness is around the corner. So I do my best to take a step. I hold onto all the feelings of love and care for as long as I possible can until I need a "refill" or a "fix".

That's the best way I can describe how I do it.

I do fail...a lot. But so long as I can find that support, I always get back up.

I will look into that. Thank you.

Many people have offered PM'ing, some even further contact. I have been tempted to take them up on the offer. But I also have fears. I'm not ready to take any relationships, even online, to a new level. PM'ing doesn't seem like a big step, but it is for me. I don't have the strength to figure out new boundaries or how to balance it out. I worry about becoming a burden or there being a miscommunication. There are a few people I will PM if needed, but those boundaries have been understood for a few months now. And even with them, I only reach out if there is a real need.

I'm just afraid of relationships and letting anyone new in.

I hope that doesn't hurt anyone's feelings. It's just that I prefer to be as much of an equal in a relationship as I can be, and right now I don't have much to give back. Even continuing to reach out here is new for me. I have reached out for help with other things, yes, but nothing to this magnitude. I'm feeling really vulnerable and fragile right now and don't want to be out exploring new things unless I absolutely have to.

Thank you. I'll choose the ones I like from your list

I love chocolate. I just am going to have to start practicing moderation I love bubble baths. But I can never get the same type of bubbles that they show on tv... I need to start walking again. I just don't have the motivation to get off my @ss unless I have to. I think I will start uo journaling again since now I don't have my T telling me not to. And I also think I'm going to start painting glass again and scrapbooking. I'm almost finished with organizing my photo albums. I'd like to out together a memoir? or autobiography? Just to document and organize my life.

The attached is a screen shot of my DBT homework. It kinda fits into your coping skills. For those who suggested meditation on the beach, you'll see I added that too.

Just checking in to say hi and send good thoughts!
Hugs!!!

Scarlet, I'm so glad you started this thread and agree it would be really nice if we can all be here to offer support. That is the purpose of this place, something I sometimes forgot in my first months here. I finally got it, but not until I got into an argument with someone. (I actually reported myself because I went overboard with my righteous opinions.) Anyway, I finally got it after reading why DocJohn started this place. Support, pure and simple.

I'm not a naturally validating person. At all. But I am supportive. Have never been validating, always been supportive, if that makes any sense at all. We're all full of complexity and paradoxes. I'm here on Team Scarlet to offer support because this entire situation definitely qualifies as a shock and crisis and it would for anyone who experienced the same thing. Anyone.

I kind of like seeing new threads, part 2, started whenever an existing thread gets real big. It's more manageable. Sometimes I go back and look at old posts in a thread to make sure my memory is right and when a thread is gigantic that's really hard to do. It seems important to me to follow the whole story, going back months sometimes, to be able to begin to understand what a person is going through.

So glad you started this new thread! The way people have stepped up to offer you hugs and support represents the best of Psych Central. You've responded beautifully, demonstrating just exactly how important this kind of support can be to a person who's suffered a tremendous shock. There will naturally be ups and downs, good days and bad. The support really can make a difference.

I'll be back later today just to check in.

I really appreciate your honesty. And just so you know, I've never ever felt you were a burden. As it isn't hard to figure out I have my own issues but your honesty and your clarity about what you need makes it easy to reach out. The time we did have a miscommunication you dealt with it by explaining yourself a lot more clearly than I expected of you considering the pain you're in.

I haven't known you for that long but I know this is tougher for you than I can imagine.

No expectations, just hugs in whatever form works for you at the moment.

I know that song Beautiful meaning.

Here's 2 songs I've been listening to:


And