[growlycat]

What did I just do? I cancelled with both my T's. I'm heading into a dark place.
They are both hurting me and I don't know what to do.

[tealBumblebee]

Is there any other safe person that you can talk to?

[laxer12]

What made you decide to cancel? How are they hurting you?

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

Is there any other safe person that you can talk to?

Thanks, teal-

I found a crisis chat for my county. I haven't clicked the button to start the chat yet. But I probably will try it.

Years ago I called a crisis line and it felt really empty--I know that they are volunteers and some seem scripted. I worry that if I call or do this chat thing that I'll end up feeling worse. PC has been more genuine.

I don't have anyone else who knows how bad this side of me is. I'm afraid of losing friendships if people really knew

Thank you, if no one responded things could be worse

[musial]

I'm so sorry... I can relate to feeling so dark and being afraid to tell anyone other than my T. You should try the chat, you can always close it if it's not helpful.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by laxer12

What made you decide to cancel? How are they hurting you?

I have one T locally and another T I have been seeing most of my life but is across the country. Because insurance found out he is licensed but not in my state, they won't cover him. So I have been "seeing" him by phone for 20 min once every 2 weeks.

It hasn't felt like enough. I've tried to use the CBT T for things my reg T used to deal with. CBT T and I have had a rift and I feel like everything he is saying is hurting me. I tried to turn to T1 for help and he basically said talk to you at my next appt. I am scared of the reaction I'm having to this.

I'm burning the only 2 bridges I have yet I feel compulsed to do it.

[tealBumblebee]

We really do care about you Growly. Sometimes they can be a fluke but it's not impossible for a crisis chat to be helpful for you. Even if to keep you calm long enough to restore a little more tolerance that you've been losing. If you don't trust yourself, please continue to reach out to the crisis chat people or anyone willing to listen. Even if you contact a friend and don't tell them why you are contacting them. We all want you safe and not to feel like you are alone in your struggle.

[laxer12]

Maybe a strictly CBT T isn't right for you. Sometimes they can feel cold and very rigid in their process. It sounds like CBT T isn't working out well for you. Is now a good time to start "shopping" for a new T again? I can imagine it would be hard to maintain a relationship when you only get to talk to someone on the phone for 20 min every two weeks. Maybe that relationship has changed and it is time to move on. Just my thoughts but I hope you are able to get through this.

[rainbow8]

You are feeling rejected by both Ts, aren't you? I can totally understand that!! I still feel that you can make it work with CBT t if you talk with him in session about how he hurt you. So I hope you go back! I'm sorry T1 didn't want to help. I know that must have stung! 20 minutes every 2 weeks isn't enough. I agree. Please stay safe and maybe rethink the cancelations. I wish I had some better advice. Sending lots of hugs.

[JustShakey]

(((Growlycat)))
Please call them both up tomorrow and un-cancel. Both of them at once - this is a big deal, you're hitting something major and you need to talk about it. And do talk to the crisis people.

[musinglizzy]

Originally Posted by growlycat

What did I just do? I cancelled with both my T's. I'm heading into a dark place.
They are both hurting me and I don't know what to do.

Growly,
First of all, big hugs. Secondly, above all else, STAY HERE. Talk. Lots of great people here who know what you're going through and can help hold you up when you need it. I have a flashlight for you...many others do too, I'm sure. Sleep on it, think about it, talk about it, and then decide if canceling was a good thing, or if you should reschedule. Fight for yourself. If a new T is what's in order, push yourself as much as you can, and find one. That dark place just jumps right in without much notice, so keep going, decide what plan works for you and stay with it. It sounds like you need a T...whether it's one you just canceled with, or a new one. And we're all here to support you through that process. Sending hugs and a flashlight....

[stopdog]

It seems to me like cbt guy has not been useful for a while from what you have written. For me, I would look at this as a break to regroup and perhaps look and even interview a couple of others. It is not irreversible and you can always set up new appointments with the old guys if you want. It is okay to let yourself find a new one of different sort when they become no longer beneficial. Cbt guy is
never, from what you have written, going to become psychodynamic in his approach. or even especially flexible - he seems pretty rigidly cbt ish. And that might have been useful for awhile. It might even be useful again in the future, but right now it sounds like you might benefit from another style with someone more accessible than the one who is on the phone for 20 minutes with you every couple of weeks.
Canceling is not irreversible, but it can give space to think and regroup and focus on what would be best for you. These guys are not magic and one can get along without any of them.

[musinglizzy]

I second what JustShakey said...and Teal too... I have found myself calling people "just to chat," and never letting on that they may have just made all the difference in my day. That's actually been a pretty normal thing for me to call and talk to someone, and making it look like it's just a "hey how are ya" check in type call. When actually, I really needed them, and didn't share that. Although probably not ideal (not to share what's on your mind), the contact alone is better than nothing. Now, I suppose I should follow my own advice! LOL

[growlycat]

All great advice. And I appreciate that each and every one of you gets where I'm coming from in some way.

I just did the crisis chat and boy, that was awful. It seems like the person on the other end either isn't reading the text or is answering several chats at the same time.

I'm hoping one of the T's will react to my cancellation burn-them-all destructo tirade.

Usually, the thought of a new T would make me more optimistic. But I'm very aware that I am bringing the problem to every T I see. I am the source of the rupture.

I believe the phrase is "repetition compulsion" and I excel at it. I feel really low about seeing a new T like I just can't see the point.

But I'll sleep on all of it. Thank you PC people.

[JustShakey]

Call 'em in the morning Growly. Break the pattern. But first get a decent night's sleep

[ThingWithFeathers]

Aww, I'm sorry growly. Yes, call them

[granite1]

please call them back today growley . I know it is hard but don't cut off the support .and then maybe start looking for a new T that might fit better then cbt T. I know it is so hard to make that change . but maybe easier if you keep seeing cbt until you find a new one .

Neither of them sound ideal for you right now. I do think maybe at least looking for someone new might be a good idea. I have never found crisis type lines to be very helpful either.

Originally Posted by granite1

please call them back today growley . I know it is hard but don't cut off the support .and then maybe start looking for a new T that might fit better then cbt T. I know it is so hard to make that change . but maybe easier if you keep seeing cbt until you find a new one .

I agree. You may need to find a different type of therapist; cbt may have served its purpose at one time for you, but it seems to not be what you need right now; however, don't cut off your nose to spite your face. You need support right now and I suspect your cbt can provide that at least in the meantime while you find a different type of therapist. What you don't need right now is to leave yourselve completely without any kind of professional support.

[peaches100]

Hi Growlycat,

I don't have any advice right now, as others have given you lots of things to think about and try. But I want you to know I care about you and am thinking of you and hoping you get past this dark place soon!

[Apathy123]

Maybe try and uncancel and while you make the decision if they are still right for you start to transition to someone new. Sometimes a fresh pair of eyes are needed.

Im sorry youre feeling so awful

[growlycat]

Update: I went to a non psych Dr.'s appointment today and I pretty much added at the end that I was in crisis and could I talk to someone. They brought in a regular MD to talk to me, you know, the "are you safe" conversation. It was better than the crisis chat I guess.

They reinstated my appt with my CBT guy. Then they paged my CBT guy and he is supposed to call this afternoon. I'm afraid of his response. Is he going to say something that will hurt so much that I'll do something self destructive? Will he be kind enough that I can get back to a place of calm? Will he say he doesn't feel he can work with me?

I'm worried but better for the moment. Things are still bad with psychodynamic t too. Lots of crazy emails he won't respond to.

[stopdog]

Would cbt guy acknowledging he may no longer be useful be all that bad? It is not your fault that a type becomes no longer useful.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Would cbt guy acknowledging he may no longer be useful be all that bad? It is not your fault that a type becomes no longer useful.

What I was an am still hoping for is for him to acknowledge his side of the equation. I believe he made missteps but I don't know if he even recognizes it. Maybe he isn't as smart as I give him credit for?

I wish he would admit changing his behavior towards me over time. He was hopeful and engaged in the beginning but now he seems bored. He says he doesn't judge me but I think that is total BS. He has said many things to the effect that my change is slow.

I do have a pattern though of getting almost delusional about T wanting to hurt me, and I go from attached to full out suspicious in a flash. I have to be careful
not to throw the baby out with the bathwater because that's my MO .