Who stole my life?

So I saw P-doc last night for the first time as my anti-d's had been prescribed by my internist. He said to stay on them and added some med for anxiety, He was very kind and conducted a very thorough interview. He asked me about my childhood and I told him it was awful. After a while of talking he said, "I can see why you said your childhood was awful." This comment made me sad, even though I had said it first. I'm glad i saw him because he was able to answer some q's about meds that were weighing on my mind. he wants to see me in 2 weeks.

Now, here's my quandry. I never in a million years expected to be someone on meds. I was always into doing things without meds if possible. Now, not only am i seeing a T, but I am also seeing a P-doc and taking 2 kinds of medication. My life is not my own anymore and I feel like I have turned into a dependent wussy. I could't pull myself out of this and so I am punishing myself.......Arggggggg I feel like I am caught up in a whirlwind, a tornado that won't put me down. I WANT MY LIFE BACK! My sister in law (she's a T too, but not mine) said that there is no more normal. The other day I asked my T about how do I get rid of the dissociation? He said you don't, you notice it.

Sorry for the rant, but I had to get it out. TGIF

sorry sister!!

i feel your pain. Maybe it will help to remember that, you arent going backward. The pain you are feeling now was already there, but you ignored it before. Now you are processing it. So although things seem crazy, you are making some steps forward.

ev

sister, you are taking positive steps to turn things around. You are brave. Your T will help you. When you have made some progress in therapy, you can talk to your pdoc again about the meds situation. At some point, when you are strong and stable, you may want to try tapering them off. Your pdoc will help you with a plan, when the time comes.

Hang in there!

Sister, I'm with you....

I love the title of your thread.....I've felt the same way when I was going the meds route....thoughI've found that for me, more frequent sessions allowed me the opportunity to accomplish more in less time, and the resulting sense of 'self-mastery' was soooooo goooood....

How often do you see your t?

I don't know your specific circumstances, there are times when meds is a useful tool.....been there done that...

I think the more we grow in 'self-awareness' the more we feel we 'own' our life, sort of like taking it back from whoever 'stole' it in the first place.....

Too, sounds like (but I may be wrong) you are grieving the loss of the life you had imagined for yourself. It sucks to find ourselves in a totally different place we had ever intended to be....

Thank you all. Yes, medication is a useful tool right now as it has been a really difficult time in my life. I really crashed when my son was sick.

I see my T once a week. On a few occasions I have asked for extra sessions but can't really afford to go more often. I have been doing some really difficult work and I guess I am impatient for healing. I know it takes time and I know that we can only do what we can do but still I want progress. I feel like my therapy has not moved along at the pace I would like but a lot of time was spent on support during a crisis and we have only just begun workng on me.

Life stole my life. I guess it's not so much what I had intended but what I had not intended. I always thought I was so flexible but trauma after trauma became more than I could bear. So, my life is changing yet again, and I feel like I have lost the flexibility to roll with the punches and redefine one more time...

Big sigh...oh I am so tired.

hey. control can be hard... especially when things seemed so out of control when we were little... then we kind of get our life together and feel in control and there can be a safety in that... but then sometimes things get hard and feeling out of control can be really really horrid :-(

change is hard. really hard. i was just reading something on how hard change can be. hang in there... things will start to feel better for you.

You are doing a good job in taking care of yourself. That is very good.

I would like to ask you something. If you were diabetic, would you think yourself weak if you took insulin?

Mental illness is just as "real" and important as any physical disease. In fact, mental illness occurs because we don't have enough of the right chemicals in our brains. We have diabetes because we don't have enough chemicals in our pancreas.

It is basically the same...

I my thoughts on this helps you and I hope that you are soon feeling better.

Jan

hey. i'm sorry about my post. i've had my head up my *** for the past few weeks... tryin to refocus... tryin to refocus back...

it could help you feel better to list some of the things / areas you feel competent in. what things do you feel competent and in control of? it might be quite hard... i guess the areas where you don't feel competent and in control are most salient now. if you can do a list then it might be that there are some things you can do to maximise experiences of being competent and in control.

Sister, you know there's a whole lot of people "out there" in the general population that could do with being on meds and in therapy. I consider myself to be responsible and adult in doing what I need to do to help myself live a more fulfilling mature life. Unfortunately there isn't a perfect life, no one gets out of childhood unscarred, but its being brave enought to recognise our scars and heal that makes the difference.

I hope you feel more at ease soon.

I just wanted to check in and say I understand. It is like we wish we had a button to click to get back to where we were. Just does not happen. I think that I would mention that you are new on meds and getting adjusted to meds takes time. It also, aaargh, helps to welcome and make friends with the meds to know they are can and will help you. You will feel better as the depression lifts with your work with your T and Pdoc.

I just started a new med and my doc said that most folks have about 5 defenses that hold them strong and I should look at mine as one more defense. Sounded like a good answer.

I really can relate you your post...as i know you feel like you are crusing along and .... bam.

Hang in and keep shaing here. We can help each other through it.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SecretGarden said:
I just started a new med and my doc said that most folks have about 5 defenses that hold them strong and I should look at mine as one more defense. Sounded like a good answer.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
That's interesting to me, SG. Do you mean your doc said you should look at your new med as one more defense? I feel like my situation is so different--I have very, very strong defenses and one of my goals is to let them go. Maybe in line with the idea of a med being a defense, I guess maybe I had an instinctive desire to avoid meds, as these would add one more barrier/defense for me. Thought-provoking. Thanks, SG.

((( sister )))

You don't have to take meds. It is your choice to see if they can help you feel better. You want to feel better so you're using what resources you have available to you. That sounds optimistic!

I like your T's answer about noticing the dissociation. By noticing it you'll explore it and see what is there, pick it apart. I suspect that will be very useful to you and interesting.

Alexandra said, </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
hey. i'm sorry about my post. i've had my head up my *** for the past few weeks... tryin to refocus... tryin to refocus back...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Alexandra, no need to apologize. Yes, i agree that control is a difficult issue and sometimes letting go of that control (or perceived control) is at the heart of a lot of frustration, in my case, this time, with the meds.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
You are doing a good job in taking care of yourself. That is very good.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

January, that is the biggest compliment for me! When I was in dire straits bout a month ago, my T just kept saying, "You have to take care of yourself." I didn't know what that meant Now, I know that taking the meds is part of the process of self-care, a new concept for me. Thanks.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
doing what I need to do to help myself live a more fulfilling mature life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Mouse, YES, OH YES, I vacillate between my child self and my adult self but wish my mature adult self would win out more often so I keep on working on it.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I just started a new med and my doc said that most folks have about 5 defenses that hold them strong and I should look at mine as one more defense. Sounded like a good answer.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I have very, very strong defenses and one of my goals is to let them go.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Secret & Sunrise,

i think you may be talking about two different kinds of defenses. I have my meds which help me to defend against the illness, the depression and anxiety. I think this might be the kind of defense Secret's p-doc was talking about. I also have my dissociation, a defense that is triggered in therapy when we are getting close to a core issue. I think that is the kind of defense Sunrise is talking about, the kind we want to get rid of.

Does this make sense to you?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I like your T's answer about noticing the dissociation.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Echoes, I liked that response as well. He also said, "how have I failed you?" (and that question has floored me because I can't answer it yet).

To all, I have come to terms with the meds. Last night I tried the new anxiety med and today i don't have a brick in my chest, I feel like I lost 20 lbs.! It's just that when I was a kid my parents were so dysfunctional they never took care of themselves and I had no example of self-care. So, with that whole well of dystunction as a model, sometimes I fall back into it

Love you guys

Well.... How do I say... Sometimes defenses can be our friend. What you have to say is indeed food for thought for me as well as right now I am working through all kind of defenses and barriers. Well.... at least dang well working on it.

I think that there are healthy defenses and not so healthy defenses. I think that when my adult or child is wounded my child really hits the dumper pretty deeply and quickly. So if I can keep me from going so low I can do more of the work I need to do. This new med is lamictal that is supposed to level me out...

Make sense?

I also feel that meds can put up too many defenses but that is the skill of the pdoc primarily and the patient to find the right mix. I do not want too many defenses up as I too indeed feel that would interfere with my work.

Yup Sister... you are on target...

I am googling dissociation... is that obfuscation... confusion or just not connecting?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sister said:
Secret & Sunrise,
i think you may be talking about two different kinds of defenses. I have my meds which help me to defend against the illness, the depression and anxiety. I think this might be the kind of defense Secret's p-doc was talking about. I also have my dissociation, a defense that is triggered in therapy when we are getting close to a core issue. I think that is the kind of defense Sunrise is talking about, the kind we want to get rid of.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Yes, that is it exactly, sister. Thanks for explaining. The positive sort of "defenses" against depression--I have those too. For example, one of my best is getting enough sleep. For me, my depression/anxiety always coincides with an inability to sleep, and if I can "trick" myself into somehow sleeping, it ends up helping with the depression too. Another of my "defenses" against depression is talking with my T and getting to the root cause of why I am feeling depressed. Ferretting out the reason and understanding it really helps me beat those relapses.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I am googling dissociation... is that obfuscation... confusion or just not connecting?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
SG, for me, dissociation is when I just "check out" while in the middle of painful events that are happening. I just go elsewhere inside so I don't have to experience the pain or the events. I blocked out childhood memories for decades due to dissociation. I've regained some of those traumatic memories in therapy and processed them through EMDR. I also have "avoidance" and "denial", which are two other common defenses for me. Avoidance in therapy: I'll be talking about something that I really don't want to deal with because it is so painful and all of a sudden, I'll announce to T, "I don't want to talk about this" and switch topics. Denial: I minimize some of the horrible things I've been through and am going through right now. T has really worked on this with me, as he said I am in denial about a lot of things. Like it took me ages before I would allow him to use the word "abuse" in connection with me. I was just in denial I had experienced that and could not stand to hear the word. We had a good "denial" conversation last session and I think he "gets it" better now, about why I do this. So much to work on...

sister, that is so great your new med is helping you! I am so glad the 20 lb weight has been lifted.

Re: Dissociation, I copied this from http://www.sidran.org/sub.cfm?contentID=75&sectionid=4

WHAT IS DISSOCIATION?
Dissociation is a mental process, which produces a lack of connection in a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. During the period of time when a person is dissociating, certain information is not associated with other information as it normally would be. For example, during a traumatic experience, a person may dissociate the memory of the place and circumstances of the trauma from his ongoing memory, resulting in a temporary mental escape from the fear and pain of the trauma and, in some cases, a memory gap surrounding the experience. Because this process can produce changes in memory, people who frequently dissociate often find their senses of personal history and identity are affected.

Most clinicians believe that dissociation exists on a continuum of severity. This continuum reflects a wide range of experiences and/or symptoms. At one end are mild dissociative experiences common to most people, such as daydreaming, highway hypnosis, or "getting lost" in a book or movie, all of which involve "losing touch" with conscious awareness of one's immediate surroundings. At the other extreme is complex, chronic dissociation, such as in cases of Dissociative Disorders, which may result in serious impairment or inability to function.

There is lots more at this website, if you are interested.

My doc likes to talk of my obfuscation... I have thought about this as me ... as I can go through a session and like it is too much for me so I do not recall that we have spoken of. This sometimes frustrates him and me. I do not know if this seems like a relative of dissociation. I also wondered if this might have something to do with a learning disability... never diagnosed...that I feel I have had. Just not getting it.

But the description here is a bit different... but I do see familiarity.

Dissociations sound treatable in relation to the descriptions both of you have described.

Oh and I so get the no sleep thing... depression and sleep play on each other... like a stone going down a hill.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sister said:
For example, during a traumatic experience, a person may dissociate the memory of the place and circumstances of the trauma from his ongoing memory, resulting in a temporary mental escape from the fear and pain of the trauma and, in some cases, a memory gap surrounding the experience.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Yes, this is exactly what I have experienced. Thanks for that URL, sister.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
My doc likes to talk of my obfuscation... I have thought about this as me ... as I can go through a session and like it is too much for me so I do not recall that we have spoken of.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Yes, I get this too, SG. To me, it just means we are covering so much stuff in session, that I am on overload. I am trying to process stuff from early in the session and I miss out on the later stuff, even though I seem to actively participate in the conversation. Or we did something so major in therapy, that it just stopped my brain in its tracks and I can't take in anymore. My T understands this. I think he sees it all the time with clients. SG, maybe you can try to cover less in sessions so you don't get overloaded, if you think that may be the problem. Or maybe when you get home from therapy, you can jot down a few notes to jog your memory and later write a more thorough account. Or even write down a few notes during your session. Maybe your T also has some suggestions on how you can help your memory. Anyway, I don't think this is unusual at all. I'm surprised this would frustrate your T. To him, it could even serve as a helpful signal about what are truly difficult/major/disturbing topics for you if they make you go on overload, and he could learn something important that could allow him to guide therapy or make appropriate interpretative statements.

Sunrise, I can tell that you are an excellent journaler. I can relate to your post as yes, indeed sometimes it is an overload. Lately it has been intense. I was just talking to someone about taking notes in session. I did take a legal pad in a couple of sessions ago and did not use it.....though was ready to.

Not to steal a thread... just a sidebar here.. I think I have hit a major breakthrough and the word is that he gets me... ouch...and he knows how I think and that almost alarms me... lol. He has found me out... or finally let me in on what he knows and it is not all pleasant. I have just been figuring this all out bit by bit. Now it is there in the middle of the room now screaming and no where to hide.. But it is good... I think...lol. Maybe I should start my own thread on that... will consider doing that.

This is so overwhelming that maybe I CAN NOT take it all in at one time.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Ah, the elephant in the room that you can't ignore! I find that when this happens and it is something that doesn't make me feel so good that my unconscious tries to find a way to ignore it anyway...it's amazing how that works, itsn't it?

Well ya... that is that obfuscation thingie.... but this elephant is huge... I would like to hide that sucker and bring it out again maybe Wednesday eve for Thurs morn session. However, working to work it through this week....just do not wish it to be too much in my face or in my psyche.