[angelicgoldfish05]

So it is nearing the 8 month mark since attempting suicide. I'm worried I may be heading down the same road again. I think that meds plateau after a certain amount of time. I stopped taking the lamotrigine (prescription ran out and haven't refilled it yet). I'm still on wellbutrin and gabapentin but I want to stop those too so I can just feel what it is like to not be on any substances (except caffeine lol). I passed the 100 day mark for sobriety but am in the same place there too. I haven't done the 12 steps, lost momentum, don't know if I ever will even though I think I am supposed to. Step 3 is where I get stuck because I don't trust enough to let go and turn my life over to God. Sometimes I don't see God as loving and I don't trust enough that bad things won't happen. So I don't do it. And I don't move forward. I've stopped going to meetings and I'm now starting to get depressed about not being able to drink like a normal person.
In therapy, I am now to every other week. The med provider is now going 6 months out for the next appointment. So I feel like I'm supposed to be better and moving on which is why I want to go off the meds. The therapist is so proud of me and every session seems like she is wrapping things up. Like there is no space to bring up new material, we are coming to an end and moving on. Is it normal that I'm right back where I was - doesn't it make sense to just avoid the things that are hard and stay unaware? I don't know how to go deeper and get better. And I don't know if this is the right therapist for that journey anyways as she seems to be happy on the surface talking about school and work. I'm not being honest with her either because she thinks I moved on about the last therapist and I did not. I just won't talk to her about it because I think she wants me to be moved on from it. Like wishing it will make it so. Or hopeful thinking or something. It is better than it was I guess, I still miss him though. It's almost been a month since I last emailed him saying I loved him so much I am letting him go. Took me that long to get there though. I wasn't ready to let go of him and still felt like I needed him so much. So I have made progress there - just not the kind of progress my t thinks I have made about it.
I don't know what I'm looking for in this post, I just wanted to reach out because I don't want to go down that path again. I'm not suicidal, I don't want to go there again. I feel I am straddling a positive place where there are good things going on in my life and if I just stay positive and focus on that I will be fine. Just wondered if anyone else has ever been stuck (or felt like it) in therapy, or in life, and what they did to overcome and get past that. Thanks.

If you don't want to go down that road again, you need to take a few steps in the opposite direction:

1. Call your pdoc and let him/her know what is going on with you right now. Meds may need to be adjusted. You don't have to wait until your appointment. That is what phone calls are made for. Be sure you tell him you stopped taking your lotramogine; don't restart it without guidance about tapering up again. You can't just start right up where you left off.

2. Call your therapist and tell her exactly what is going on. Make her hear that you feel you are headed down that road again. Impress on her that this is a clear downswing.

3. Do NOT stop taking your meds. You know you are not well. Stopping them right now doesn't make any sense at all and is a bit self-destructive. You know that.

Start there.

If possible, get yourself back to your meetings. Do you have a sponsor? Call them. You are going to actively have to do the opposite of what your depression is telling you to do right now or you probably will go down that road again. I've been in your shoes. I know it is hard. I also know I had to fight every self-destructive impulse I had to get through those times.

So sorry you are feeling poorly. It sucks. Keep us updated.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Yes, I agree with lola. Play an active role in prevention and speak to your t earlier rather than later.

[unaluna]

Ive been wondering where you were. This is not the update i wanted to hear from you! i wish youd been in touch with us more! Oh well no crying over spilt milk. I cant write long right now cuz i have my mothers funeral this morning so im short on time but i wanted you to know we are all here for you and we will talk more later. Meanwhile you listen to lola and everybody else!

[angelicgoldfish05]

Lola, Thanks for your advice, those are great ideas and things that are manageable. Definitely helps me make sense of what is going on and what I need to do about it. I have an appt with t on thurs so that will be a good thing. I think part of me just wants to pretend I don't have this thing that I need to actively fight and deal with and take care of all the time. I guess it is me who just wishes I were magically well and that this thing has all been in my head all along. That I could just change my thoughts about it and then "think" it away ha ha! I do wish I were strong enough to do that and succeed with it. I guess I just thought back to past times - in my early 20's... I went off wellbutrin and was depressed but I just went through the depression and eventually came out on top of it. But you are correct about needing to see the pdoc to have her assistance with it if I want to come off meds (which is probably not the best idea I know, I just wish I did not have to take pills every day, get refills each month and spend all the money on them... I'm just whining about it now lol!). But yeah, last time I just up and stopped the wellbutrin, 2 weeks later I'm recovering from the suicide attempt, so yes, not the best idea - especially without the guidance of the doc.
It is so easy to slide into a neglectful (lazy) phase and just stop caring for myself - physically, it has been weeks, since I've done anything real active. I got out backpacking not so long ago - that was good! I need to hold onto the good things, it is so easy to forget those memories fast and focus on the traumatic negative ones that are burned into my memory. I need to start taking care of myself again. I just feel like I make so many promises - like oh, I'm going to really start meditating. But then I just don't get started. I don't want this to be just another failed attempt or promise (intention) that I won't keep. My diet is turning to crap, the past two days, aside from work and a family party, it seems all I've done is stuff my face and sleep. It is shameful! It made me think of being like an infant again, but that is so sad and depressing that I am an adult and should be in a way different place than where I am now (at least in my mind I should be... the part that compares myself to everyone else my age).
Sorry for all this rant, it is just good to reconnect here and spill my guts all over again. Thanks guys. So how is everyone else doing? Lola, it is good to hear that you have been there, that you know what it is like and that you seemed to have changed your outcome. For the better? Where are you at with it all today?

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

Yes, I agree with lola. Play an active role in prevention and speak to your t earlier rather than later.

Thanks TWF, it is great advice. Glad for your support Hope things are going well in your world, or at least manageable! Hope you have a good day.

[ThisWayOut]

Ditto to what's been said... going off meds is ok as long as you do it carefully and with your providers in the loop about it (and able to help should it go poorly)... this post kinda sounds like you are actively sabotaging yourself right now. I see you writing that you don't want to go down that road again, but your actions of pushing people away and dropping meds without a solid backup plan points to the opposite... if aa is not working for you, there are other modalities for getting sober (personally, religion is triggering for me, so I stay far away from any 12 step style thing). Look into other things, but don't knock your legs out from under you before you find other support...
I understand wanting to be off meds. It's possible, but you need to make sure is the right choice for you. I also understand wanting to fit other people's model of how things should be processing. Chances are though, your t would rather you be honest about how you are doing. Also, anniversaries can be triggering. I'm guessing t understands that... call pdoc. Call t. Let them know what's going on for you. They can't be supportive if they don't know.

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

So how is everyone else doing? Lola, it is good to hear that you have been there, that you know what it is like and that you seemed to have changed your outcome. For the better? Where are you at with it all today?

I am great. Really. But I had to regularly do all those things you just talked about as a matter of habit and lifestyle for that change to start to become more solid. You might watch the video and read the links on the emotional hygiene thread that is currently going. Worth having those reminders. We all need them from time to time.

Sorry, cut my response short because of a phone. My mom is in the hospital so I'm doing about 10 things at once right now.

I really am doing very well. I finally reached a place where I wasn't just forcing my way to doing all the right things for myself but instead those self-care strategies became very much internalized and are now a matter of habit, even when things are not perfect in my life. In fact, they are even more important when things are not going well.

I did finally reach a place where I haven't needed to be on medication for about a year and a half now. I didn't go off of meds because I was tired of them though; that's important. I went off of them because I reached a place where I could use my skills and resources effectively and consistently so the meds became unnecessary. If at some point down the road I realize I need medications again, I am open to that possibility. I have also been out of therapy for about that same length of time and for the same reasons. I reached that place in my healing where I finally internalized what I need to do daily to stay emotionally healthy.

You can get there, but you have to get there in your own time and through regularly walking the walk.

I do hope you can get this turned around before it really takes hold. I went through so many episodes that went so badly before I finally reached this point, so I do truly understand where you are right now. Have patience with yourself, but resist the temptation to just sit back at let it happen to you. Fight that powerlessness; it doesn't have to be that way. Advocate for yourself. You know how, but your depression is telling you differently right now. Please keep reporting in. We care.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by hankster

Ive been wondering where you were. This is not the update i wanted to hear from you! i wish youd been in touch with us more! Oh well no crying over spilt milk. I cant write long right now cuz i have my mothers funeral this morning so im short on time but i wanted you to know we are all here for you and we will talk more later. Meanwhile you listen to lola and everybody else!

Hankster, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Sending you strength and prayers for you and your family during this time. Thanks for your support, even when you are going through a loss and grief, you still reach out and help others. Thank you. I didn't know I would be missed here, so it is nice of you to say that. I guess I just got distracted and then months went by. There are good things going on too, I didn't mean to just tell the negative, but it is like when you have started to fall or something, and maybe you hit your head - you aren't focused on the parts of your body that don't hurt, only your head cause it is what hurts lol! So the good things are that I've been spending a lot of time with my family, and that I started going back to school. It has been stressful and I don't know if I have it in me, but I'm trying. I don't want to give up, I just started! So I have a test today and then class later. Other things going good - I still have a therapist, so I'm thankful for that and go to see her in 2 days. Thankful for my cat, she is the best cuddler, so cute and I love her. I have not been doing much of anything besides school, work and being with family. I am thankful for my job, that I have a job and an income. Other things that are stressful are trying to get by on not a lot of income, and car troubles, but those are definitely "first world problems". I got used to the ease and comfort at a certain level and it is harder to try and manage any other way. I wish I were stronger with that. I think if I had to - like if I had kids or something - then I would find a way to do it. That is what you do, you find a way forward, find a way to go on, to survive. It is not that hard and it is not all bad. There was this thing that happened with a boy that set me back a little too. Makes me realize I'm not ready to make new friends or go out and be alone with a guy anywhere in the near future. I guess that rules out dating and relationships. Which makes me sad and feel lonely but I can't magically make myself ready for that and just be better. I guess it will just take time but I feel like I'm running out. How long is it going to take? How long till I get better and what if I never do? What if I never get a chance to have a family? To have a place of my own? To fall in love like I did with my ex-T in a way where I can actually be with the person.
Sometimes it is just hard to keep hoping. There is a blank space where hope should be. And on top of all that, my sleep schedule is so mixed up. I don't know if I can ever keep to a routine, which I desperately need, but then I just rebel against it. I don't care at work, which will get me fired quick unless I change and just do a good job just like they want. They want more, they always want more. But I am probably not even giving the minimum to that job. I am lucky to not be fired already but I got fired from two jobs in less than 2 years. Hard to want to give when it is just another job and I am just another cog in the wheel that can be replaced today if they wanted. It is crushing to give your best and get fired, so I figure, if at least I don't give my best and get fired, then it will be for that instead of for me giving my best at it and getting fired because who I am and what I did. Maybe it is just a way to protect myself and try and control but it is also a little self-sabotaging. Like I'm just asking them to fire me almost. Go ahead, I'm not going to care. You can't make me care. I won't.
So anyways. There is all that. Sorry for unloading on you guys, it really has been awhile. Thanks for listening. (and ps. I do miss touch and wish it were possible for that to be safe but apparently, it is not. virtual hugs it is then...)

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

Ditto to what's been said... going off meds is ok as long as you do it carefully and with your providers in the loop about it (and able to help should it go poorly)... this post kinda sounds like you are actively sabotaging yourself right now. I see you writing that you don't want to go down that road again, but your actions of pushing people away and dropping meds without a solid backup plan points to the opposite... if aa is not working for you, there are other modalities for getting sober (personally, religion is triggering for me, so I stay far away from any 12 step style thing). Look into other things, but don't knock your legs out from under you before you find other support...
I understand wanting to be off meds. It's possible, but you need to make sure is the right choice for you. I also understand wanting to fit other people's model of how things should be processing. Chances are though, your t would rather you be honest about how you are doing. Also, anniversaries can be triggering. I'm guessing t understands that... call pdoc. Call t. Let them know what's going on for you. They can't be supportive if they don't know.

ThisWayOut, thanks for your reply - you have great advice. I wish I could get strong on my own. Seems like whenever anything like this happens, I don't get much chance to strengthen my own muscles, so instead, I atrophy. I know that my parents do not mean harm in doing this, however, it is crippling. I don't know if I am strong enough to stand up to them. I want to get out from under them, because they are so heavy on top of me. They are just trying to support but it feels stifling and suffocating. I hear others on these boards say that they did not have parents in their childhood, that they did not get a childhood and they had to take care of themselves. I have the opposite. Overkill on the parents doing everything for me. So now I am all grown up and do not take care of myself well, because just sit back honey and they will do it for you. They won't let you fall, they will rush in and rescue rescue rescue! (enable enable enable). Most people would have loved to have had the childhood I did - it was great, we even went to disney land and I had everything I ever wanted. But it came at a cost. The cost is my adult life is crippled. If I could go back, I'd take the no parents so at least I might be out on my own with a family and kids of my own and maybe one day be able to meet my grandkids. I feel lots of anger towards the parents who love me so much it hurts. They are right there. They won't let me breathe a breath without them. How could I on my own? How could I do anything on my own (anything right that is). How could I even be trusted to vaccuum the basement floor? I just can't be trusted to do anything. So I don't. I sit back. I let myself be paralyzed and let them take care of me. It makes me want to give up, crawl into bed and never leave. To just quit school and quit my job (get fired cause it's gonna happen), and then just let them take care of me. They obviously want to, they are not doing anything that would cause me to believe they want me to have any sense of independence. They are happy to provide. Why not just kick back and take it easy? They are happy to do the work why do I need to? It would be just like me to push the limit. To see just how far they will let this go. Maybe I want it to happen sooner or later. Maybe that is why I am self sabotaging. Hard to move forward when everything gets so comfortable it is dead. Hard to get up and live at all. Why try? Everything just gets done and everyone just goes on, life goes on. Who needs me? They even take care of the cat now, I don't need to do anything. Don't need to buy groceries, pay rent, don't need to cook, clean or do the dishes even. Not even laundry. And so it goes. So maybe I push the limit till my dad explodes and maybe he does what, kicks me out, gives me a dead line to be gone? I don't know. It will be my dad though. He is the one who reaches limits and explodes. But how will I be strong enough to move out and where would I go? What will I do when I get there cause I'm just a helpless (hopeless) little girl forever. How will I ever do anything on my own? I'm just not capable.

These are the thoughts in my head right now. Sorry mom and dad, you know I love you to death. I thank you for everything you have given me, for all you do for me. I don't know how I would do it without you. Can you drive to school and take my test for me too? Thanks.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Sorry, cut my response short because of a phone. My mom is in the hospital so I'm doing about 10 things at once right now.

I really am doing very well. I finally reached a place where I wasn't just forcing my way to doing all the right things for myself but instead those self-care strategies became very much internalized and are now a matter of habit, even when things are not perfect in my life. In fact, they are even more important when things are not going well.

I did finally reach a place where I haven't needed to be on medication for about a year and a half now. I didn't go off of meds because I was tired of them though; that's important. I went off of them because I reached a place where I could use my skills and resources effectively and consistently so the meds became unnecessary. If at some point down the road I realize I need medications again, I am open to that possibility. I have also been out of therapy for about that same length of time and for the same reasons. I reached that place in my healing where I finally internalized what I need to do daily to stay emotionally healthy.

You can get there, but you have to get there in your own time and through regularly walking the walk.

I do hope you can get this turned around before it really takes hold. I went through so many episodes that went so badly before I finally reached this point, so I do truly understand where you are right now. Have patience with yourself, but resist the temptation to just sit back at let it happen to you. Fight that powerlessness; it doesn't have to be that way. Advocate for yourself. You know how, but your depression is telling you differently right now. Please keep reporting in. We care.

Hey Lola, sorry to hear your mom is in the hospital - sending her strength and healing. I hope she gets well soon. It's good to hear you are doing so well. You have put in the work to get there. It's great to hear from a person who says it is possible, because they have done it. They have been there and back again and lived to tell the tale! It is true that there is the need to fight the powerlessness and the helplessness. I'm not making excuses, but it is doubly hard when others want you powerless and helpless and work effortfully to keep you there in that place (for whatever reason, and they have their reasons). It is difficult to advocate for self when the emphasis has always been on other and how it is supposed to always be on other. Even though you wouldn't know it by how much I am writing about self self self here. But self needs some love and care and attention too. It is not selfish to use a coping method that has worked in the past (posting on psychcentral forums) as a way to try and stabilize and improve the situation. I admire you, Lola, for continuing to offer support to others after you have gotten better. That is truly kind of you and I'm sure I'm not the only one benefiting and appreciative of you sharing your experience, strength and hope (total AA words right there). So anyways, thank you. Means a lot.

Rather than waiting for things to explode with your dad at home, have you tried (maybe you have and your parents aren't cooperative) sitting down with your parents and coming up with a plan? Could you insist on contributing some rent--even just a small amount--frame it as working on your own life skills? If they won't take it, could you pretend and perhaps set up your own savings account where you put that money each month for practice (the added bonus to that would be you could be saving up to get out on your own)? Could you insist that your laundry, your bathroom, your bedroom are your responsibility to clean and take care of -- thank you mom for all you do, but I need to learn to do this? These are little things, and it sounds like your mother particularly might be resistant, but perhaps framed the right way, her thinking might adjust? Could you get Dad on board first since you predict he really wants you do be able to do this, and maybe he could support you when talking to mom?

[Restin]

AGFish, from your initial post, I get the conviction that you're not doing so OK and ready to cut sessions. Even though you might not be the worst suicidal you've been, there is still a lot of questions and concerns about meds, your spiritual life, and what to do next for your growth. I feel like you're a swimmer almost ready to swim, but I need to keep my hands near because I'm not sure you're so able to keep your head above water. I think this is a very important time for you to have a good therapist to keep you on the right track. It's definitely not the time to cut back and I don't see why your T is doing it other than T has his own life to deal with.
I would get an additional T if you're too attached to this one to just leave. Or if you're able to, quit present T and get a good Psychodynamic T.
You've come so far and I'm afraid stopping now will not keep you going well enough. A good therapist provides so much more steadiness and someone to bond with in your struggle.
I applaud your interest in a spiritual way, and I do believe that God is in our mental health issues. But I also see it like people do with any health problem...you go to a cardiologist if you have a heart problem even while you believe in God and have help there. I think God wants us to use all the medical knowledge as well as relationship with Him. In all, you have a lot on your plate and much you're mulling over that's important. I just think you need to see a good T at least every week, without any long breaks, to work all this out.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Rather than waiting for things to explode with your dad at home, have you tried (maybe you have and your parents aren't cooperative) sitting down with your parents and coming up with a plan? Could you insist on contributing some rent--even just a small amount--frame it as working on your own life skills? If they won't take it, could you pretend and perhaps set up your own savings account where you put that money each month for practice (the added bonus to that would be you could be saving up to get out on your own)? Could you insist that your laundry, your bathroom, your bedroom are your responsibility to clean and take care of -- thank you mom for all you do, but I need to learn to do this? These are little things, and it sounds like your mother particularly might be resistant, but perhaps framed the right way, her thinking might adjust? Could you get Dad on board first since you predict he really wants you do be able to do this, and maybe he could support you when talking to mom?

Yes, I need to be the one that does this. I can't believe I put all that out there (I feel ashamed for all the honesty, hurt, pain and meanness inside of me). But yes, I need to train my parents to be the parents I need them to be. Not that they are bad parents, they are only trying to help. I'm just not sure it is what is best for me. Part of me is ready to jump ship and just go into debt with financial aid through school. I'd be out on my own though and probably feel a little better about myself. Then the other part of me is like, don't be stupid, stay through school and you can pay off your credit card debt! I just don't know. I have a difficult time believing I will have a job that will help me get ahead in the future. It is hard just to get by with the jobs I've been doing. I had the good job with the state, paid $15 an hour. The wonderful thing about it was that I made a great living and got to help others (at least I hope I helped and did not hurt anyone). But then I got fired. I know it is because deep down I feel I do not deserve that (don't know why), so I self-sabotaged that for myself. And I hate that because I really was happy and getting to a healthy place. I tell myself that I self-sabotaged because maybe I can't accept that I am just not really a person capable of "that level" and that I will always make less than that. Maybe it is easier than accepting the truth that I am not capable of earning that much for myself even. It is like if you are a C student and you want to be an A student somewhere inside you. But that you also got fired because you were not an A student, but were actually a C student. So then you settle in, you have learned your place. Broke, in debt, alone, sick, and living in mom and dad's basement...

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

Yes, I need to be the one that does this. I can't believe I put all that out there (I feel ashamed for all the honesty, hurt, pain and meanness inside of me). But yes, I need to train my parents to be the parents I need them to be. Not that they are bad parents, they are only trying to help. I'm just not sure it is what is best for me. Part of me is ready to jump ship and just go into debt with financial aid through school. I'd be out on my own though and probably feel a little better about myself. Then the other part of me is like, don't be stupid, stay through school and you can pay off your credit card debt! I just don't know. I have a difficult time believing I will have a job that will help me get ahead in the future. It is hard just to get by with the jobs I've been doing. I had the good job with the state, paid $15 an hour. The wonderful thing about it was that I made a great living and got to help others (at least I hope I helped and did not hurt anyone). But then I got fired. I know it is because deep down I feel I do not deserve that (don't know why), so I self-sabotaged that for myself. And I hate that because I really was happy and getting to a healthy place. I tell myself that I self-sabotaged because maybe I can't accept that I am just not really a person capable of "that level" and that I will always make less than that. Maybe it is easier than accepting the truth that I am not capable of earning that much for myself even. It is like if you are a C student and you want to be an A student somewhere inside you. But that you also got fired because you were not an A student, but were actually a C student. So then you settle in, you have learned your place. Broke, in debt, alone, sick, and living in mom and dad's basement...

It doesn't have to be all or nothing with your parents, which is why I suggested this middle road at home. College is expensive, and there is nothing wrong with living at home while you get through it. But if you can find a way to claim a bit of independence and responsibility for yourself while at home, that might be a good, happy medium.

Interesting you talked about self-sabotaging your job, because that's a bit what you first post sounded like in regards to your mental health also. Might be a really good topic to broach with your therapist.

So, what can you do to fight that tendency? Again, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Find what you can do today, and you can always add more down the road. Baby steps.

[ThisWayOut]

Sounds like you know being at home is not good for you. It is certainly easy to fall back into being cared for when it's something others are pushing for... what you wrote there though sounds like something you have heard before, perhaps in one of dad's tirades? I had everything I could ask for growing up as well. I could probably still get just about anything if I asked the right person and followed through with the right favors... it's challenging to step out of, but most certainly possible.

I'm sorry you are struggling again so much right now... you are dealing with a lot. It's ok to need help sometimes (though I suppose if you truly just rely on others all the time, then it's a good time to try to flex those self-care muscles and kick your own butt into gear... I can't shake the feeling though that all those disparaging things you wrote about yourself are scripts you've adopted as your own. Call me on it if I'm wrong though, as I don't know you well. I think I remember some of your older posts, but I'm not totally sure).

Recovery is hard. Sobriety is hard. It's OK to need ongoing help with it all. A magic fix would be awesome. Lemme know if you find one

I also understand the concept of not giving your all to a job (or anything) so when a failure happens it's not as devastating as it could be. On the flip side of that, what if you give more and succeed? You wrote that you can never bed trusted to do anything right. what would it take to rebel against that standard you've taken on as your own?

Glad you are back, and glad you are looking for support when you need it. Also, virtual hugs abound.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Restin

AGFish, from your initial post, I get the conviction that you're not doing so OK and ready to cut sessions. Even though you might not be the worst suicidal you've been, there is still a lot of questions and concerns about meds, your spiritual life, and what to do next for your growth. I feel like you're a swimmer almost ready to swim, but I need to keep my hands near because I'm not sure you're so able to keep your head above water. I think this is a very important time for you to have a good therapist to keep you on the right track. It's definitely not the time to cut back and I don't see why your T is doing it other than T has his own life to deal with.
I would get an additional T if you're too attached to this one to just leave. Or if you're able to, quit present T and get a good Psychodynamic T.
You've come so far and I'm afraid stopping now will not keep you going well enough. A good therapist provides so much more steadiness and someone to bond with in your struggle.
I applaud your interest in a spiritual way, and I do believe that God is in our mental health issues. But I also see it like people do with any health problem...you go to a cardiologist if you have a heart problem even while you believe in God and have help there. I think God wants us to use all the medical knowledge as well as relationship with Him. In all, you have a lot on your plate and much you're mulling over that's important. I just think you need to see a good T at least every week, without any long breaks, to work all this out.

Thanks restin, that was really poetic how you said that. And thank you for the reminder about the spiritual part of the journey. God is there just waiting, but you have to go to God. God needs to be sought, and if there is not space in the mind for God, God will be waiting for you to make the space in your mind for him... Waiting for an opening to shine love and light in.
And what you said about t, I'm not sure why she is pulling back, tidying things up and wrapping them, putting the bow on already and saying "I'm a success story". What is it with therapists spouting off that I am a success story. Oh wait, that's right, I told her that is what ex-t said to me so she is getting on board with it too. Oh well, I sure do want to be! Want to make them proud don't they see? But... And a big but, that I need to get there honestly, and truly feel that. Not just pretend to make the therapist feel better like they did a great job and it's over now and we can all go home to our real lives now. To her it is a job. She is the guide and leading the way I guess, but we are on two different chapters of the book. She seems to have jumped towards the end and I don't think I've even reached the middle yet. But then again, might not be a journey that is meant to be taken with her. Therapy is a sacred journey, and deep down, I don't know if it is the right person. The right person is there - he exists on the planet, in this city - but that is not possible. So I guess I need his runner up if it is not supposed to be her or him. I need to be patient with it all, it is a process, and to trust again. So hard to trust, want to control! ok, thanks again restin! Hoping you have a good day and keep fighting the good fight!

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

It doesn't have to be all or nothing with your parents, which is why I suggested this middle road at home. College is expensive, and there is nothing wrong with living at home while you get through it. But if you can find a way to claim a bit of independence and responsibility for yourself while at home, that might be a good, happy medium.

Interesting you talked about self-sabotaging your job, because that's a bit what you first post sounded like in regards to your mental health also. Might be a really good topic to broach with your therapist.

So, what can you do to fight that tendency? Again, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Find what you can do today, and you can always add more down the road. Baby steps.

That is great!! That is just what I need to work on and to do - middle road and happy medium! Thank you so much Lola!! It's part of the disease for me - black and white thinking... Happy medium sounds like the way to go I just did not see it that way. Thank you And it just sounds so much more nicer and happier too Happy Medium And it makes me feel happier already

[Restin]

BTW, there's a great book titled, "The Way Of All Women" by M. Esther Harding, that explains so clearly all this about why it can be so hard to get out on your own. It helps to understand the strong pull that holds you down, and how it's especially hard when parents confuse the issue of individuation. I had some of those problems really deep, and that book helped me understand. You can see it on Amazon or just google it, if you wish.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

Sounds like you know being at home is not good for you. It is certainly easy to fall back into being cared for when it's something others are pushing for... what you wrote there though sounds like something you have heard before, perhaps in one of dad's tirades? I had everything I could ask for growing up as well. I could probably still get just about anything if I asked the right person and followed through with the right favors... it's challenging to step out of, but most certainly possible.

I'm sorry you are struggling again so much right now... you are dealing with a lot. It's ok to need help sometimes (though I suppose if you truly just rely on others all the time, then it's a good time to try to flex those self-care muscles and kick your own butt into gear... I can't shake the feeling though that all those disparaging things you wrote about yourself are scripts you've adopted as your own. Call me on it if I'm wrong though, as I don't know you well. I think I remember some of your older posts, but I'm not totally sure).

Recovery is hard. Sobriety is hard. It's OK to need ongoing help with it all. A magic fix would be awesome. Lemme know if you find one

I also understand the concept of not giving your all to a job (or anything) so when a failure happens it's not as devastating as it could be. On the flip side of that, what if you give more and succeed? You wrote that you can never bed trusted to do anything right. what would it take to rebel against that standard you've taken on as your own?

Glad you are back, and glad you are looking for support when you need it. Also, virtual hugs abound.

True about them being adopted scripts. It was not told to me so much in words as is in actions, but the words are what stick out in my head now followed by paralyzation by fear of doing wrong or not good enough. Still, you are right that if we don't give more we will never know how far we could have gone or if we truly could have succeeded. And it is also true that I do need to kick my own butt into gear Got to go take that test now! Thanks again for your support. Really helps to know you care.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Restin

BTW, there's a great book titled, "The Way Of All Women" by M. Esther Harding, that explains so clearly all this about why it can be so hard to get out on your own. It helps to understand the strong pull that holds you down, and how it's especially hard when parents confuse the issue of individuation. I had some of those problems really deep, and that book helped me understand. You can see it on Amazon or just google it, if you wish.

Ooh thanks for the book suggestion! Gonna check that out, seems like a great match for what I am struggling through with my parents.

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

That is great!! That is just what I need to work on and to do - middle road and happy medium! Thank you so much Lola!! It's part of the disease for me - black and white thinking... Happy medium sounds like the way to go I just did not see it that way. Thank you And it just sounds so much more nicer and happier too Happy Medium And it makes me feel happier already

Glad to help. I have older sons, one who runs full steam ahead, the other who needs time to find his way at his own pace or he gets really anxious and overwhelmed. One of the things we've supported with him is that idea of finding that happy medium where he doesn't over-stress but where he is taking comfortable steps forward in growth. It is slower for him than my other two, but he is getting there. He's taken longer to reach his milestones in life, but he does get there. Our job has been to support his forward movement at a pace that doesn't overwhelm him, but not allow him to get complacent with staying too comfortable right where he is. It's a balancing act. I hope your parents can hear that need for you so you can make comfortable steps toward independence without thinking you have to do it all at once. You do need to keep the forward momentum going, but don't get ahead of yourself if that makes any sense. Find your happy medium, and try to get your parents on board if you can. If not, you can do this FOR yourself.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

He's taken longer to reach his milestones in life, but he does get there. Our job has been to support his forward movement at a pace that doesn't overwhelm him, but not allow him to get complacent with staying too comfortable right where he is. It's a balancing act.

Why do you think that is? That he has taken longer to reach all his milestones in life? I guess we all just have our own paces. I'm like that too I think, slower than slow. I guess I was just born this way. Sure is frustrating when all your peers are doing one thing and you are not there yet. It feels very limiting and like being trapped or held back. Maybe I'll start a new thread about the topic as it is something that interests me. Anyways, thanks for letting me vent! It sure has helped a bunch. With all the talk on here about inner child work lately, I feel like I let mine rant and rave! She is very happy and satisfied now that she was able to be so honest and free and heard and validated.

[lunatic soul]

I've been thinking of you, you posted and then disapperead and I hoped that you didnt do anything harm to yourself again.
I remember you posted about going to session with your exT, did you go?
I hope you will feel better very soon