Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something But I Don't Know How... Part XVII

Dear T,
I spoke up in CC about that that built up stuff. It was hard but I did it. I think you'd be proud of me. I almost texted you that day to say, "I did it!" but I'll just wait till I see you next time.
Thanks for your support.

T,

The session with replacement T was alright. She seems to have more knowledge about social anxiety than all the other T's I had before you. I can't yet say if she will be a good T. This was my first session with just her and it was more a get to know me session. She's nice, but that doesn't say anything. A lot of my previous T's were nice too, but they sucked at being a good T. And of course there were also some not nice T's.

I don't know if I will stay with her. Maybe after 10 session I'll discover that this doesn't work.

I still don't like this. I'll never like this. I chose you as my T and I didn't want a new T during my treatment. I'm still angry at you. And I'm hurt. I feel abandoned and worthless.

You're now at a wedding, having fun. I'm alone in my room, feeling this pain.

I've seen you 3+ times a week for the past year - how am I supposed to do 2 weeks? I'll miss you.

T,
Thank for for letting me feel safe around you.

Finally an appt tomorrow and you call and say that you are injured and might not be able to work tomorrow. You said you were sorry and acknowledged the bad timing and I know you can't do anything about it, and yet... I'm still so devastated. I'm hurting so badly and I can't talk about it to anyone else and my world is crashing around me... And you are away again and I'm so mad at myself for caring. I'm not coping well at all and I don't know what to do. I want to crawl into a hole.

What do you do in your spare time? Do you watch the cricket? I know you liked the Bradman story i told you. I dont want to know what you do with your family just you by yourself.

Thanks to the puppet show you orchestrated I have even more to cry about.
I have less now than when I met you, if you can imagine that.

I have just downloaded a few photos onto my tablet to show you next session. Why do I want to do that? I wonder whether your admission of paternal feelings towards me has made me feel more like I want you to be a witness to my life, or something? There's one photo of me, when I was about 14, the worst period of my life (I told you about the photo before) and I really want to show you that. It's so defensive, so alone, it might help you to see why I find it so hard to emote even now. But it's no coincidence I want to show you this stuff now, when I can feel your care.

Thank you for today. I like you too. I don't want to do this work with anyone else but I will, for you at the moment and then hopefully, one day, for me too.

T,

Tomorrow is a early session. I haven't had one so early. I'm nervous. I need to talk about something. It's better to talk about this to you before you leave, for 5 months or for forever. Eventhough anger anger towards you is hard to tell you about, ''positive'' feelings are even harder. It makes me feel so vunerable. You already know I think you're a good T and that I'm a bit attached to you. But that I long to have something more. Not something outside of therapy, but just something more. Admitting I envy you. Telling you I want to know more about you. I know almost nothing about you. I know that's how it works in therapy, but the longer I see you, the longer I wonder about who you are. An then, telling a long for some contact. I want a hug. Talking about the desire to have some psychical contact with you or with anyone, just a hug, it feels like I shouldn't tell anyone that.

I need to write something down on paper, so I can give it to you. I don't feel like doing that. I don't want to go. I don't want to feel like this. I'm so tired of everything. I'm so tired of starting over.

Why did this had to happen now?

T,

I wrote the letter. Now I have to show it to you tomorrow. I'm not sure if I can.
I feel sad now. And a bit angry. But mostly I feel pain. How can you feel pain from something emotional? How does that work? I can feel the pain. I'm not sure where, but I want to roll my self up. It hurts so much.

Dear MC,
You probably were at work and didn't get to watch it, but that was an exciting end to the game! Woohoo your team! (Though they can't keep on winning, because that will totally mess up both of my brackets.)

I know people don't generally respond to these, but wanted to say that I've felt physical pain from emotional stuff with my T (well, marriage counselor) before. Pain in my chest, like I was being stabbed almost. Emotional pain can definitely be felt in the body. It will be hard and scary, but tell your T about it when you show the letter. She clearly cares about you, so she'll understand...

Dear T,

Ever since our rupture, I don't think of you as much as I used to. I used to think of you all day every day and always wonder what you'd say if you were with me. So in some ways, I'm happy that I'm not obsessing about you anymore, but bummed that our relationship has changed.

You really hurt me and even though we talked about it and you sort of took some responsibility, I still hurt and I still feel like I'm not going to be able to be as open with you as I've been in the past.

In fact, one of my biggest regrets now is telling you all that I've told you. I told you some hugely personal things and wish that I could take some of them back. I literally groan when I think of some of the things that I've told you and you really didn't deserve to know, at least not yet!

And if you ask me anything that I feel is inappropriate, I just may get up and leave. I was so tempted to a few weeks ago. If I leave, it will be because as I've said, I really need a break!!

T,

I wonder if you guessed what is bothering me. I wish I had thought of asking your permission to read what your daughter wrote before I read all those columns. I think she's very talented! I learned things that are private, though. I couldn't help it. You and I are so close yet I'm not allowed to know about your kids. Which isn't exactly true because when I ask, you tell me. I just don't understand the boundaries. You know everything about me! You came to my house and to the funeral, and met my family. I know about you too, from your art and what you wrote. And from 6 years of seeing you. I hope that counts. But if you're upset, I want you to punish me because I deserve it. Do you still love me?

Love,
Rainbow

I've waited so long to see you and got it all figured out, so go figure you are hurt and wasn't even able to talk on the phone. This sucks. I hate that I care so much and that it hurts so much. I really hope that you feel better asap, and I hope that you can at least talk to me tomorrow, and it's not just another call like today. If it is, I would almost rather you didn't- it's painful hearing your voice so distant when you don't even really want to talk to me. Please be there for me soon. I can't take too much more.

It's too bad you live in the dark.

You know just what to say to fuel the fire don't you? Maybe you are getting your kicks out of this. Are you??

We'll see how that goes down when I walk out of your office and don't return taking several other clients with me. Might put a damper on that big vacation your planning.

Thank you

Hi T,

I'm early. I didn't know how traffic would be so early in the morning, but there weren't any traffic jams.
I'm so nervous. Nervous to talk about some things. But also nervous to just ser you. One of the last times. It gives me so much unpleasant feelings.

I quit you but I am the one who is hurting the most. I feel so much loss. I'm not sure what I did, but I think this is a sign that I should quit mental health professionals. Don't need medications don't need anything. Growing dependent on you has damaged me. I have been crying all night. The abandonment is too much.

Dear T,

I am trying to focus less on you now, but I still sometimes feel that you don't particularly like me. You have your warm T voice which makes you seem friendly but behind that I don't really know who you are. You're very generous with your fees of course, and I think you do try hard in our sessions. Maybe that's all that matters.

Hi T,

I just left your office. I already miss you. I just read a message from my mum, about the letter I gave them yesterday. They just read it. Why did they wait till today? Anyway, know I'm nervous to go home. Parents who show feelings. I can't handle that. Maybe because I havent really grew up with that and it's more something of the last year?

I feel lost.

Only two more sessions with you.

I need to buy chocolate. I want to lay in bed and only eat chocolate. Delicious chocolate.

This book, t!! I want to say how did you know it would resonate so with me but shoot, who'm I kidding, you said it yourself, you see me. I'm looking forward to talking with you about the feelings it's stirring in me. And sharing the poem I started last night. By the time I see you again it will be done.

t,

thank you for being willing to reassure me about things with texts. it helps me to read them later on when im feeling unsure. like the thing with work today... i asked for that because i know ill need to see that later on. so thank you... im afraid one day ill come there and youll say, no more, too much. i hope not. i hope that as i become stronger and build up my healthy parent and healthy adult parts i will need your reassurances less... i just hope you dont get impatient with me... but then i think, how could you? its been over 5 years and ive doen a lot of stupid things, and you havent left ... but i still have a small thought in the back of my mind... what if???

me