Alone, and its only just beginning......

I've posted before about this, but its helpful to tell others who understand. My T is away for 7 weeks. Only 6 now, one week has passed. It has taken me over 2 years to get to the point I am now at with her. I have only just started to talk really. Now it feels like I'm on my own with it all, as I always have been. My logical mind tells me that she has a life and I have to accept that, but its unbearably hard. She took a month off once before and I found it very hard to go back. It felt like the bond had been broken and the gap was too distant. Does that sound strange?? I wonder if I should take this opportunity to finish with it all. Its like an enforced separation! I feel lost, alone, pathetic and bursting with information!!!! I hope somebody understands what I mean....arrrgghhhh!!!!!

((kindergirl))

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Its like an enforced separation

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It is a forced separation. As much as I hate separations, I think we can learn from them.
Have you tried journaling? Is there any chance of a phone call to sustain you?

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It felt like the bond had been broken and the gap was too distant. Does that sound strange??

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No, it sounds normal. I get that feeling sometimes after a week!

It sounds like you and T have a strong relationship, so I hope you can hang in there.

I hope the separation is not too unbearable.

((( kindergirl )))

It is a long time to be away from someone you care about. You miss her. Missing her is a way of being connected with her until she comes back. Missing is a lot of things... sadness, loneliness, abandonment, .... Are you writing/journaling about how you're feeling during this time? It might be a time that, painful as it is, could be used to explore 'missing' as you experience it.

I wonder if breaks also inadvertently stimulate the 'bursting with information' too. Or, if the information is coming to you as part of your missing her and wanting to hold onto her.

You know I'm going through something similar right now. Yesterday was my last session before my T's break of a month or so, and I wasn't sure I wanted to go. She'd told me last week about the break and I think I was coping with it by mentally pushing her away. But I went and told her I thought she would forget me, or *want to* forget me during the break. She reassured me about that.

Do you think maybe you're angry at her about the break and wanting to punish her with thoughts of not returning? Remember you can and will have all kinds of thoughts, but they're just thoughts and don't have to be acted on.

((( kindergirl ))) 7 weeks is such a long time to be without her! I do think the bond does suffer but not irreparably and only temporarily as you discovered before. It's hard, but won't it feel good to be back 'there' again?

Nothing can replace T. It's a long wait for her to come back, but you can do it. You have us, sweetie!

Kindergirl, Take care, its hard.

Thank you so much for your replies. You are so kind. It feels helpful to be understood. Yes, I do journal and I do find it helpful. I cant phone, but she did give me her e mail, but I don't like to bother her....well....maybe....I'll see! What really worries me is the dependency I seem to have. What happens when it all ends. Is it good to feel this away about somebody who can never really be part of your life. ? I will keep posting, so look out for me....pleasssee! Thank you again for being there.

(((((((((Kindergirl))))))))

I can relate; getting to be open with T takes a long time with me; and also having a break in therapy of even more than a week feels so disruptive.

I wish you well while you are apart from your T. We are here for you!

Olivia

Have you read much about the transference where the dependency is rooted? There are many threads here about it and books too. And here's a site that talks about it : www.guidetopsychology.com.

Irvin Yalom's book "The Gift of Therapy" and Michael Kahn's book "Between Therapist and Client" and Deborah Lott's book "In Session" The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists are great books that you might enjoy. I ordered them from Amazon.com. Several members here recommended them.

I found the dependency felt "not right" at first. In fact we just talked about it Friday. I can't fully explain what feels "not right" about it yet. But I indulge in it anyway because I know it is okay, not only okay but understood by T and important to the process. And I love how it feels.

When T and I talked about it she asked if the fear of losing the closeness makes it feel 'not right' and yes I think it is that. Kind of like why get used to something that's just going to go away?

It won't end abruptly, so it won't feel as if it's suddenly yanked away from us. It will be a long process that will feel comfortable and can be talked about at any time.

Maybe that's what's going on with you? Your worry about the dependency is about your fear that it will end abruptly or will be taken away before you're ready? So you want to control when it happens so you can control the pain you expect to feel if it were to end abruptly or be taken away before you're ready?

What do you think?

I just bought "The Gift..." and "In Session" to read more about this bond. They both promise to be good reads.

It's truly frightening, but wonderful simultaneously.

I totally understand and wish I had some good advice for you! I struggle with breaks and vacations, and your situation is much longer so I can understand why you would think that it's best to end it. But I hope you can resist that urge. Obviously, you have a strong bond with her for a reason -- she must be very helpful for you.

I worry about my attachment too since nothing in life is guaranteed and any ending would hurt tremendously. You sound a lot like me! But when I sit with those feelings, I realize since they are so strong (those fears of loss and abandonment) those must be core things I need to work on otherwise they wouldn't come up so strongly between my therapist and me. And if I quit and isolate, I've only avoided them again and not faced and dealt with them.

When she does return, you will have this experience to explore with her rich with all of your reactions and emotions and the decisions you were trying to make. (I do the same thing you do -- I completely lose my bond and am unable to "carry my T with me" -- I haven't figured that one out.) In the meantime, distraction is your best friend!

I really feel for you.

Echoes, thanks for the info on the books. I will look into it. Fear of losing that closeness I have with her is a huge part of this whole process. I keep telling myself not to let her in too much because it will end one day. I have a loving family and close friends, but nobody knows about the horror of my childhood, except T. Its a relationship like no other I have ever experienced, but I suppose everybody feels like that. You're right echoes, if I'm really honest with myself, I think my wanting to finish is a control thing. Maybe in my subconscious I feel so angry at her for leaving me I just think I will end it!! Although,like I said, my logical mind tells me otherwise.
Thank you Caramee, for your understanding, We do sound very alike. I hope I get to talk to you again. Meantime, I guess another day has passed by. Ssssiiiggghhh!!!!

Hey. I understand where you are coming from. I find it really hard when my therapist has time off too. Sometimes I think about not going back. Often I'm kinda removed from him when I do go back too. Scared to let him in. When you need someone and they aren't there it HURTS. Pulling back (not going back) can be a bit of a self defensive strategy to prevent further hurt. I understand that one.

I'm having two weeks off from seeing my therapist. I had conference last week so didn't get to see him. Bit weird I guess because I had to tell him that I wouldn't be able to go so it isn't like it is at his request. He said that he was taking the following week off though so that means a two week break basically.

Near the end of the session he tries to talk about book-keeping stuff for a few minutes. To help me wind down. He said he wanted me to think about my therapy goals and stuff. So we could talk about what we are doing and where we are headed. He asked me what I thought about that. I felt really upset. Told him that I had to do that kinda stuff around every 6 or 12 weeks back home and that mostly it was an excuse to terminate me. Didn't matter what I said. He leaned forward and said my name... He said 'you know I'm different - right?' and I nodded. And he said that the situation was different this time too and he said a couple of respects in which it was different. I think the idea was to orient me to the present situation.

But... It is still hard though. I guess that everyone who I ever really strongly attached to left me. I worry about him leaving too. 'Cause that is what happens. You attach and then the person leaves. And then it hurts so much that I start to fragment and go a bit psychotic and I lose my ability to function and I just want to hurt myself and die.

But... I think that the idea is that with little breaks one gets the opportunity to muster ones strength. I think of little things he says and does and they help me get through. It can be hard when the break is a bit much... (The last one was a bit traumatising - actually a LOT traumatising). But this one... Is kinda less so. I'm going to focus on my work and try and remember the things he says and does when I feel a bit bad. It does hurt that he isn't around but it is a manageable kinda hurt. It does hurt (a lot) when I think about how he isn't going to be seeing me forever. Hurts a lot. But maybe... I'll be a bit stronger by that time and maybe... I'll be better at developing meaningful bonds with a variety of people in my life. Maybe.

Hang in there. Take some gentle care.

Alexandra said:

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I think of little things he says and does and they help me get through.

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Yes, this is exactly what I do. But sometimes I can't place him because I have lost him. Then I try to just remember his voice. It's so soothing. And sometimes I can't remember that either.

Yes Alexandra, it does feel like taking a break sort of breaks the momentum. Its hard to get back into it all again. This whole therapy process, its so complicated isnt it! Far more than I ever thought it would be. But then again, I only thought I'd be going for a couple of months, not a couple of years!!!!! Sister, I'm going to have a go at writing some poetry, but I wont be that good at it. I'll put it in the creative forum. Meantime, another day has passed, and I'm still here!! Lots of work on in the next few weeks, so that will be a distraction......I hope.

Yes. It can be hard to remember...

I have a soft toy. A wombat that I picked up in Tasmania. Mostly it sits on my bookshelf but sometimes... It helps me feel a little better to cuddle him. I found that out the other night. Hadn't cuddled him for ages. Was having trouble remembering my t though.

Sometimes transitional objects can help. Something that means something to you and / or helps you feel better.

I guess that I try and remember moments of emotional attunement / connection with my t. Feeling surprise when he met me at the door. Feeling him there with me when I was feeling ashamed. Hearing his voice saying my name in a soothing tone when I was saying about how people try and terminate me. Don't remember the words or the sound of his voice so much as the feeling. I have a lot of traumatic ruminations on feelings. Distress... It is like my brain gets into running the distress circuit round and round and round. Sometimes it helps me to think on him just being there with me feeling what I'm feeling and I don't feel so scared or alone. Even when it runs. It is hard though. It does hurt. But I guess I only spend either one or two hours with him when he is around. It is just that it is easier for me to remember... And to acquire new experiences.

I try and think on positive experiences with other people too. Try and spread my attachment a little. I can be quite rejecting of others sometimes I think :-( Trying to make more of an effort.

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alexandra_k said:
Yes. It can be hard to remember...

I have a soft toy. A wombat that I picked up in Tasmania. Mostly it sits on my bookshelf but sometimes... It helps me feel a little better to cuddle him. I found that out the other night. Hadn't cuddled him for ages. Was having trouble remembering my t though.

Sometimes transitional objects can help. Something that means something to you and / or helps you feel better.


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I have quite a few soft toys. I often hold them/cuddle them when I'm having a hard time. I told T about this. I told him that I find comfort in these inanimate objects because they don't leave. Then I went on a rant about what a child I am....

'Transmuting internalisation'. Apparantly the mechanism of change is controversial. How are you supposed to help someone who is terrified of abandonment? How are you supposed to help someone who is unable to function in the absense of an external supportive relationship? 'Transmuting internalisation' apparently, but what on earth is that and how do you acomplish it?

Kohut said that you never need to be confrontational in the sense of being artifically traumatising. He said that life just is traumatising in a lot of respects and there simply will be moments of misattunement / misunderstanding / absence that are experienced as traumatic. The therapist doesn't need to do anything to induce those they simply happen because... That is life.

If the theraputic relationship is basically okay in the sense that there is a basic kind of attunement / bond / caring / responsiveness... Then the notion is that during those moments of misattunement / misunderstanding / absence the person is able to call to mind the background and basic understanding of the relationship in order to get through. What is different this time is that there is that basic background of attunement whereas it is likely that in the past there wasn't in quite the same way. Thats why the person struggles apparantly. Never got to internalise the good vibes 'cause there simply wasn't enough of them.

So... He goes away... Then he comes back. Then he goes away again... Then he comes back. I think the notion is that over time it gets a little easier because the absence means I'm kinda forced (or I kinda do) develop some object constancy. Can call to mind the good vibes of the relationship even in his absence and it helps the time apart be a little less traumatic. I think that is the idea.

But then of course... One day he will leave. There will come a day when we part and I'll probably never see him again. I guess the hope is that I've internalised enough such that... I'm more able to find / receive / participate in moments of attunement and connection with the other people in my life. That they will fulfill the self-object functions. At the moment it is a bit one sided, I guess. I'm able to take (sometimes) but not really able to participate (because of fear that someone will stomp on me at the precise moment of connection. That I'll metaphorically reach out my arms to someone and they will turn away. That my need is too great which makes the risk too great).

It is kinda scary. Kinda repulsive but to be longed for at the same time... We come from our mothers. We come from their insides... Then... We are supposed to internalise the role they play in our lives into our neurology. In order to get a sense of self. Confidence. Stability. Emotion regulation. Ew ew ew. But then that is the way...

Weird huh.