Therapist says I'm abusive

Thanks for sharing your experience, ruh roh. That's actually what I had been trying to do, just refocus on other things and try to make my sessions useful - and I think we were doing okay for a couple of months. This is the first relationship-related conversation we've had in a while. I think you're right. Pretty much the only way to untangle the knot while staying with her is to just drop it and go back to talking about other things. We're unlikely to resolve this fight.

I definitely have lashed out at her. I guess the problem is that, for the first 8 months or so, I could do that and she wouldn't retaliate, would validate my feelings, etc. Then something changed. I can't help but feel like I broke her. :/

You weren't abusive.

She hasn't been your therapist at all for so long -- am not sure what your sessions consisted of but it sure wasn't therapy.

Her responses are WAY off the mark.

Really, find a new therapist, no matter how gut-wrenching it feels -- else, this whole situation is going to only get worse and the damage done to your psyche will be even more painful / deep.

If you stick around with her, know that you aren't getting therapy (and, so won't get better).

Actually, notwithhaste, I would never presume to say whether or not you should go to the session! It really and truly is your decision, and whatever decision you do make on the issue is the right one for you. You have attached to this therapist and your time with her hasn't been horrendous and unhelpful; you have mentioned that you've made progress with her over time, but now the two of you have reached a difficult area. It doesn't sound to me as though she is a f'ing ***** , but the reality is, when we're doing deep work in therapy, our own transference brings up powerful feelings from the past and sometimes our therapist do elicit feelings of abuse, neglect and rage and anger rises up in us. If you have to push those feelings aside or intellectualize them, I personally feel that means that you are never able to really and truly deal with them in a healing way.

It does sound to me as though your therapist might really be struggling to contain her own counter transference and that has lead to a very uneven relationship between the two of you. It doesn't make her an evil or abusive therapist. It makes her ill-equipped to deal with your issues as they are right now at this point in your therapy. Personally, I believe that therapy for the majority of people who have experienced early childhood trauma (not everyone because I get it that not everyone responds the same) make the best progress in a therapeutic relationship that truly addresses attachment issues in an even, well-trained, knowledgeable manner. Your therapist might very well be struggling with this because of her own difficulties. But that doesn't make her a terrible person, maybe just the person that can't take you to the next level in your healing UNLESS she gets some really good and experienced supervision from someone who knows what he/she is doing! But I do understand your reluctance and pain about not being in her presence again or even considering leaving her for another therapist. That's the sadness of there being so many poorly trained therapists out there--they just aren't equipped to deal with difficult issues with skill and expertise.

If you get a chance, you might want to read these blogs: Tales of a Boundry Ninja (written by a very insightful client and talks about her journey in therapy) and How Therapy works by Dr. Jeffrey Smith. He has a great book called Attachment to Your Therapist in which he has posts from many therapy clients and his responses. He also has a good book titled: How We Heal & Grow or something like that.

It seems to me that she can't keep her emotions and needs out of the therapy.

Not everyone is a giver. Some people are takers. Most of us, perhaps, are in between. And it's not that I think people should give selflessly, it's just that I think your therapist is not giving enough. She can't give you enough positive regard due to her own needs.

She does seem to come from the school of thought that thinks like this: "I give you x, and this is how you repay me?" I find those who do that are usually abusive people, narcissistic. Conditional giving. She expects things from you in return. It can be more covert or underhanded, which imo, makes it more distressing because other people might not see it. It's the type of abuse that leaves you constantly questioning yourself, which by the way, is what you are doing in this thread.

In short, her needing you to give her things in return makes therapy unworkable. This is twisted and will ultimately be damaging. Her needs overpower the therapy-she hasn't done enough of her own work. I hope you get out of this situation.

"I don't want to tell her this because I'm worried about her reaction - will she feel attacked? will she get frustrated and leave? etc."

That seems like a clear sign of total therapy failure. If the client has to hold back painful emotions for fear of upsetting the therapist, what is the point? Now the client is taking care of the T.

I kinda thought that the exchange of money gave the client a bit more leeway to act out, or be upset, even if it appears unreasonable. And conversely the T should contain such impulses more than the typical person. Maybe the T should refund payment for every session where she behaved badly.

Notwithhaste - you didn't break anybody!

I also don't find anything in your follow-up description as abusive either. At its extreme worst, I can see it as being emotionally draining for the therapist - but she should be trained on how to take care of herself. As others have mentioned, this is what she's paid to do. It's what separates a career in the mental health field from social hour with friends.

Yes we are clients, not friends, but that does entitle us to express ourselves however it happens to come out. (Excluding property damage, physical threats, and truly terrorizing behaviors.)

What I find chilling in your descriptions in the therapist continuing on despite your tears. That is never okay!

I agree, FallingFreely. Physically threatening behavior or damage of property are off-limits--other than that, therapists are there to work with out behaviors and help us understand them.

If I went in and was angry, verbally aggressive, or angrily silent, I would expect my T to share his experience of me, to challenge my behavior, or to help me understand it. But I'd never expect to be told it was abusive, because in a therapy setting those are abusive.

Being upset or pouting or angry or too quiet isn't abusive. Gee. If every time my students acted this way I felt abused I wouldn't make it through one day! She is a t and you are a client, you aren't a couple on a date.

Not like you were throwing chairs at her or scream profanity. Now if this was romantic or family relationship than silent treatment could be abusive ( I have family members who do that and it's awful). But this isn't relationship! It's a therapist treating a client! If a client is distraught then t could try to help not the heck call it abuse! She is useless.

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Your t isn't professional and has no clue what she is doing. Even if a client is abusive (you were not!) a therapist if trained properly, knows how to deal with it. THerapists are supposed to be trained to deal with ALL of a client's emotions, etc.

Yep, this is exactly what I was thinking--that she's being emotionally abusive to you. I think you should find a different T.

A couple times, I've told my T I was concerned I was upsetting her or disappointing her or something like that, and she said it wasn't about her feelings, that I didn't need to worry about her feelings. This T is making it about her and her feelings, which isn't right.

Who's the T and who's the client in this scenario again?


Please don't stay with her simply because you are attached and have nobody else to talk to.


That would just cause more long term damage on top of the current issues you are seeking therapy for.


Run!


She's lost the plot and is no longer capable of treating you, so you are wasting your precious time and money.


Do yourself a favour and save yourself.


ETA. Who am I to judge if you want a T mainly for company and are willing to pay for that company? Nobody, that's not what my post is about, and if that's what your sessions primarily consist of (originally or recently) that's cool if it works for you. But "at what cost?" Is the question you have to ask yourself.


At what cost are you willing to hold onto this nightmare, that you are paying to experience?

I'm sure you can find someone less damaging to talk to if you were open to letting go of this train wreck T.

Telling the OP to leave makes sense, but the dynamics created by a relationship like this make it almost impossible for her to do that. What the OP is dealing with is one of the most hideous things about therapy--an unskilled therapist creates a bond that the client can't break, even when it's harming her emotionally.

And so, options:

1) Re-focus on things that brought you to therapy so that you can build yourself up enough to move on--maybe to another therapist, maybe not, but at least consider other possibilities.

2) Wait for your therapist to terminate, and be totally traumatized.

3) Leave. I only put that here because it is possible, just not very likely considering the enmeshment.

From everything you've written, you're not at a point to just be able to walk away. I hope, though, that you can slow this down a little and find an exit that will lead you to find a healthy relationship outside of therapy.

I sure do wish you the best in this. It sounds absolutely horrendous and is not the way that healthy therapy should be.

Thank you for saying that. This needs to be shouted from the rooftops. Trauma bonding, some would call it. Has to be one of most misunderstood realities of therapy. Especially if there have been periods of apparent connection or understanding, the bond is indeed hard to break. It's like becoming addicted to a harmful substance. My ex T seemed totally unaware or in denial about this. And none of the follow up Ts mentioned this.

I agree with roh roh and would add a fourth option - take a break from this T and consult with another, even if only to talk about the impact this therapeutic relationship is having on you (don't need to name the T).
This is what I did because the idea of leaving my first therapist was too painful to contemplate. After four months, I decided not to return to him, which was the right decision for me. I never would have left if i hadn't thought of it as just being a "break" with the expectation of returning. It was only then that I realised how much more progress I made without him.

Yup when I was with my T I wouldn't hear a bad word against her, mostly I still won't. I think taking a break is wonderful. I saw another T who is still my T. I'm so glad I had her throughout this process.

I don't think its competency.. seems more about her issues. Maybe the 2 go hand in hand?

At any rate, I agree it can be very difficult to get away. Especially when caught in dynamics that parallel those of our FOO.

She did it again. I went to the session...and she threatened to terminate again. This time, "so it's not sudden," three months from now.

I had another breakdown and cried everywhere. She semi-reconsidered. She said that she's "right on the edge," but willing to take a step back with me.

At the end of the session, I said, "Please don't dump me" - and she said, "I could just as easily say, 'Please don't drive me to it.'"

I'm heartbroken...and wondering if maybe she's right about me. Maybe it is all my fault. Who knows?

I'm sorry you went through that again. It really sounds to me like emotional abuse on her part, the whole, "OK, we're gonna terminate," leading to you begging and getting upset, to her being like, "Well, OK, I'll reconsider," then her trying to shift the blame on you, with the "please don't drive me to it." Honestly, it reminds me of how my relationship with my college boyfriend went at the end, with him wanting a break, me begging for another chance, etc. You need a different T.

I know it feels like what she says is right but believe me when I say that her opinion does not define you. She may think it is all your fault but her truth is not THE truth.

The night my T dumped me for good I cried for hours to my other half and I told her if I could call my T I would just beg please please don't leave me. Behaving like this is a sign she has already left and I wish you strength to deal with this.

She also accused me of entrapment. She said that when I originally asked if it was OK for a therapist to abandon a client, I was speaking in general terms - and then, when she answered, I made it personal and entrapped her. She said that I twist things to make them fit into the way I see the world...that she isn't out to get me.

I don't know. Does anyone think that's what I did? Did I entrap her by using the words "a therapist" and "a client," and then applying her response to her and me?

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. It's her, not you.

You are not being abusive. Your therapist is being emotionally abusive. I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't understand how people like this are therapists. I really hope you find the strength to end things with her. I think it will be so much better if things end on your terms and not hers. You deserve so much better and I hope you can find someone who can help you transition from this and heal.

she sounds incredibly annoying i would dump her first if it was me but then again that is just me i dont mean to suggest it is easy to walk away.

I'm so sorry notwithhaste! It sounds like the knot keeps on tightening.

You're in an impossible situation that will be painful no matter what you do. Leaving this therapist is optimal, but understandably it's not that easy.

It seems like these 'relationship' type conversations aren't helping. There are certain truths that I think you have to get comfortable with, and I give her credit for not lying to you. She can't always be there for you. She's not your mom. She may raise your rates. She is going to get angry and is going to take it out on you from time to time (right or wrong). If you are going to continue seeing her, you have to work within these walls.

You say that being warm and caring and helpful are her strengths - why not re direct the conversation to something not so triggering for both of you and work within that space? Let her help you with a real life problem and see how that goes?

Just to clarify, I am not condoning her behavior at all - just making suggestions that could bring some trust back to this relationship and buy you time till you can figure out a long term plan.

How does this parallel unresolved issues with your parents? The t is only a stand-in, imo; an empty chair. Replaceble.