[rainbow8]

I already emailed T because I'm devastated. T is not kicking me out or making new rules. It's her attitude! I've been naive because of my needs. She asked how I felt when I didn't email her for most of the week, and told me I'm the only client who emails her. I asked if she would have wished me a good weekend if I hadn't written, and she said no. She only writes in response to me, with a couple of exceptions like when my H was in the hospital.
She asked if I have anyone else I can talk to instead of her, and I said no. I can't just replace her!

I told her again that she said I never have to quit, and this time she said there's a beginning, middle, and end. She doesn't want to work forever, and can't see her doing this for 10 more years. Or maybe that would be when she'd retire. So I am a "doing this" now. The goal is for me to do without her.

I emailed her that my parts are crying. " I love you. Why do I have to give you up?" I said I had such hopes that I could solve my attachment issues with her but now I feel it's not going to happen.

I understand why many of you regret getting close to your T. If just causes heartbreak!!

I know I still have a lot of time to work on this, but no one in my life can replace my T. I know it's from my past, but right now it hurts like my T is already gone. I may even call her because I don't think these feelings are going to subside. Please don't criticize my T. It's not her fault. She works very hard. I'm just not ready to stop contact between sessions or think about quitting therapy.

[atisketatasket]

I think it speaks well of your therapist that she recognizes that the goal of effective therapy is to empower the client to live without therapy.

Ten years is a long time to resolve attachment issues. You did just go a week without emailing her. It will get easier.

My t has always said that I don't have to stop too. But Saturday she said for the first time in response to something I said about her updated psychologytoday.com profile, I told her that the last part she added about her clients leave with tools they were never taught before stuff like that, I said that gives me hope that there IS an end to this, and she said yes, there is an end. She's never said that before. And I surprised myself by not getting all emotional on her. I think that's progress for me!! I think atat is right, that it will get easier. And I think it's important that you continue to talk about it with your t. I know I'm always needing to talk about the relationship with mine.

I'm sorry you're feeling heartbreak. it will get easier.

[LonesomeTonight]

Sending big hugs... I agree that attachment to a T can be painful. I'm in a good, close place with my T right now but also know she's retirement age, so I don't know when that will happen. And I've talked about my attachment to my marriage counselor on here quite a bit...recently shared feelings of love for him and wish he could say that he loves me too, even in just a "therapy love" way (I forget whose T coined that phrase on here), but I know he won't. I have these certain feelings of being loved and cared for by him, and he's said recently that "the caring is real." But it's like that's not enough for me. I want to be special to him. I want the way he looks at me and talks to me and the connection I feel to him to really mean something, not just like techniques he learned in grad school. OK, they mean caring, I guess, but it's like I want more than that (platonically). Part of me just wants to know what he really thinks--am I just on the same level of all of his other clients? But part of me doesn't want to know, wants to continue believing that what I'm experiencing from how he acts toward me, means that he cares deeply about me.

You went a week without contact Rainbow. Now work toward two. Take it a week at a time. Don't get ahead of yourself. You are upset about something that your T said is years down the road.

She's a good T and is being real with you. Therapy should eventually have an end; it always will have an end at some point. The goal is that you are ready when that time comes.

Resist the urge to call her if you can. You don't have to "do" anything about your feelings right now. It's okay to feel what you are feeling, and feelings always pass. Give yourself some time and work on other ways to tolerate the emotions without getting your T fix to stifle the emotions. You like things to always be calm and sweet and feel-good with your T, but I suspect the real work may take a bit of irritant to get you out of your comfort zone. I suspect you'd like to stay in that comfort zone with your T forever, but that really wouldn't be independent progress. So, feel your feelings and know they will settle down to a tolerable level after a good night's sleep. You'll be able to think a bit clearer and with less catastrophizing in your head.

Sorry it is hurting right now. But it's okay that it does.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

You went a week without contact Rainbow. Now work toward two. Take it a week at a time. Don't get ahead of yourself. You are upset about something that your T said is years down the road.

She's a good T and is being real with you. Therapy should eventually have an end; it always will have an end at some point. The goal is that you are ready when that time comes.

Resist the urge to call her if you can. You don't have to "do" anything about your feelings right now. It's okay to feel what you are feeling, and feelings always pass. Give yourself some time and work on other ways to tolerate the emotions without getting your T fix to stifle the emotions. You like things to always be calm and sweet and feel-good with your T, but I suspect the real work may take a bit of irritant to get you out of your comfort zone. I suspect you'd like to stay in that comfort zone with your T forever, but that really wouldn't be independent progress. So, feel your feelings and know they will settle down to a tolerable level after a good night's sleep. You'll be able to think a bit clearer and with less catastrophizing in you head.

Sorry it is hurting right now. But it's okay that it does.

I will answer later. But I already did email her. I couldn't help it because I feel so awful.

[JaneTennison1]

I think the key is in realising you can FEEL terrible but you don't have to email/call, you can let it pass. Your mood seems to be up and down depending on the status of your therapy. Have you done much work on DBT and feelings? You don't have to panic and do anything.

To be honest your thread about T not leaving etc doesn't seem realistic. She may not PLAN to but it still may happen as things change. T saying therapy has a beginning/middle/end is more realistic and I'm glad you will be able to work with things together.

She isn't rejecting you. She isn't saying goodbye today. This feelng will move on.

[AllHeart]

“Why do I have to give you up?”

I don’t see any of this as a reason to have to give up your t. Cutting back emailing your t seems to me like you are moving away from dependence on your t and that’s a good thing. In fact, that, to me, signifies a step towards a secure attachment.

I commend your t for not feeding you a line of BS. There is a beginning, middle, and end to pretty much everything in life. And if you think about it, everyone in therapy could be considered a “I am a doing this now” situation because it is going to end at some point. Does that make the relationship one has with their t, the care, the love, suddenly not real or meaningless? Of course not.

Why is it that you think about quitting therapy? It seems like your t is an absolute blessing to you. Sorry I’m not understanding.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I already emailed T because I'm devastated. T is not kicking me out or making new rules. It's her attitude! I've been naive because of my needs. She asked how I felt when I didn't email her for most of the week, and told me I'm the only client who emails her. I asked if she would have wished me a good weekend if I hadn't written, and she said no. She only writes in response to me, with a couple of exceptions like when my H was in the hospital.
She asked if I have anyone else I can talk to instead of her, and I said no. I can't just replace her!

I told her again that she said I never have to quit, and this time she said there's a beginning, middle, and end. She doesn't want to work forever, and can't see her doing this for 10 more years. Or maybe that would be when she'd retire. So I am a "doing this" now. The goal is for me to do without her.

I emailed her that my parts are crying. " I love you. Why do I have to give you up?" I said I had such hopes that I could solve my attachment issues with her but now I feel it's not going to happen.

I understand why many of you regret getting close to your T. If just causes heartbreak!!

I know I still have a lot of time to work on this, but no one in my life can replace my T. I know it's from my past, but right now it hurts like my T is already gone. I may even call her because I don't think these feelings are going to subside. Please don't criticize my T. It's not her fault. She works very hard. I'm just not ready to stop contact between sessions or think about quitting therapy.

I think partly because you are unable to have more frequent sessions that this is causing more pain.
I've said it before.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I think partly because you are unable to have more frequent sessions that this is causing more pain.
I've said it before.

I see my T once a week for 1 hour. That's a normal schedule so I don't know what you mean, Mouse. I was out-of-town recently so I missed 3 sessions. Other than that, it's been weekly for a long time.

[brillskep]

Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time with your therapy. I have been reading your posts over time and i think you have gained a lot from your therapy overall, but pain is part of any therapy / relationship / life. You are not alone in this though.

I think your therapist is right that there is always an ending. Not just to therapy but to any relationship. I think a lot of us want lifelong loving relationships, but even those end, though we may not want to consider that. It does hurt but maybe the two of you will be able to work through this together. In the end, I think everyone that we care about is irreplaceable, and the goal of therapy may not be so much to replace your therapist as it is to enrich your own life, so that when this precious relationship ends, you will have gained other precious relationships and experiences that will make the loss hurt less when you look at the bigger picture of your life. At least this is how I view it.

Of course it hurts to know it's your therapist's job when you care about her on a deep, personal level. I think the unique aspect of therapeutic relationships is that they can (and should) be both - both the therapist's job and the therapist's genuine care. I find that difficult to reconcile as a client, too.

[divine1966]

Sorry you are hurting. You still have time to work with her. The reality is that no matter how good therapists are, they aren't our lovers or family or close friends. I think good therapists recognize that the goal is not get patients severely attached unable to function, but rather be ok functioning in the world without them. Your t sounds like a good one. And if the goal is for you to function independently one day or find other circles of people, it is something to focus on right now. Something to work on

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Rive.]

It's hard to think of separation or possibility of endings but rainbow the time has not come yet. Please don't fly off to this time in the distant(?) future. She is not gone yet and has further reassured you it is not for now. But the reality is, we are not eternal... And unfortunately, separation - in one form or another - is inevitable.

I don't mean to minimize what you're feeling but stay within the present. We never know what the future holds: of course you might resolve the attachment issues; you yourself might be more secure or independent, so much so that you wouldn't necessarily need her as much... new and stronger connections (whether platonic or romantic) in 'real' life might serve to fulfill some of your needs so that you won't feel the separation as such an agonizing loss.

It does not mean replacing her or other people becoming more important. I think she will always have a special place in your heart. And from what you write, i think you also hold a place in her heart... She might not want to work forever but hey, it doesn't mean she will wash her hands off you completely. You might forge a different relationship with her, so that she might still be in your life in some form (though no longer as your T).

Bottom line, don't give up hope. The story (of you and T) is not over. She's not giving up on you yet!

[doogie]

I've had 3 Ts - 3 different types of Ts. The first created a situation where I was dependent on her. Emails, phone calls, lots and lots of support. At the time, I was in heaven. I thought that I had found the perfect T who cared about me and loved me and would be there for me. And then she found a new job and closed her practice and left. And while she HAD been supporting me wonderfully during our time together, not once did she help me learn how to help myself during hard times or how to reach out to anyone in my 'real' life for help. My second T taught me why Ts have boundaries around certain things (like outside contact). Of course, I could call her if I needed her - but no texting, no email replies from her. I was frustrated in the beginning and I hated her for her boundaries. I felt they were cold and uncaring. But what I learned was that in the absence of reaching out to T all the time (because I had no choice of contacting T except emergency) I HAD to learn to soothe myself and learn to reach out to those around me. It WAS NOT EASY. But I did it. That T became suddenly ill and had to close her practice with little notice. Though my heart was broken, I was much better equipped to deal with that loss. My current T is a good balance of both of my former Ts. Allows check-in texts when needed, has reasonable boundaries around other types of contact. Has said she cares too much about me to let me become too dependent on her. I've learned by experience that relying on a T is like a crutch to get through a difficult time until I can get back up on my own. If you break your leg, you need a crutch to help you get around, but once your leg heals - even though you might still need rehab for a while - you don't still need to rely on the crutch as much. Good luck Rainbow. It's hard. So. very. hard. I wish you the best of luck and warm hugs and thoughts. Just some things to think about.

[Ellahmae]

Awhile ago my T started shifting towards more me being more reassuring to myself instead of reaching out to her to reassure me. This didn't go well. I told her that I'm not ready for that yet. We talked about it and we decided that when I feel ready I'll have a choice in the transition instead of her doing it. We'll move toward dependence together at the time when I feel ready and comfortable.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I think it speaks well of your therapist that she recognizes that the goal of effective therapy is to empower the client to live without therapy.

Ten years is a long time to resolve attachment issues. You did just go a week without emailing her. It will get easier.

Thank you. I've been seeing her for 6 years already and while she didn't specify a date for ending, I feel like everything has changed. I did email last week, just not about my reactions to the session. It will not get easier to stop. I can't do it.

Originally Posted by artemis-within

My t has always said that I don't have to stop too. But Saturday she said for the first time in response to something I said about her updated psychologytoday.com profile, I told her that the last part she added about her clients leave with tools they were never taught before stuff like that, I said that gives me hope that there IS an end to this, and she said yes, there is an end. She's never said that before. And I surprised myself by not getting all emotional on her. I think that's progress for me!! I think atat is right, that it will get easier. And I think it's important that you continue to talk about it with your t. I know I'm always needing to talk about the relationship with mine.

I'm sorry you're feeling heartbreak. it will get easier.

Thank you, artemis. I'm glad you're making progress and can accept that therapy has an end. To me, it's a relationship that I don't want to end. After all this time, part of me cannot accept that I'm my T's job and when she doesn't practice therapy any more, it's over. In the past she said we could email when I didn't see her anymore, but I never thought I would ever leave, so I didn't think about it. I always knew she could leave or retire, but whenever I asked her, she said she wasn't going anywhere.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Sending big hugs... I agree that attachment to a T can be painful. I'm in a good, close place with my T right now but also know she's retirement age, so I don't know when that will happen. And I've talked about my attachment to my marriage counselor on here quite a bit...recently shared feelings of love for him and wish he could say that he loves me too, even in just a "therapy love" way (I forget whose T coined that phrase on here), but I know he won't. I have these certain feelings of being loved and cared for by him, and he's said recently that "the caring is real." But it's like that's not enough for me. I want to be special to him. I want the way he looks at me and talks to me and the connection I feel to him to really mean something, not just like techniques he learned in grad school. OK, they mean caring, I guess, but it's like I want more than that (platonically). Part of me just wants to know what he really thinks--am I just on the same level of all of his other clients? But part of me doesn't want to know, wants to continue believing that what I'm experiencing from how he acts toward me, means that he cares deeply about me.

Thank you, LT. I'm the one who posted about therapy love! I read it on a blog on PC, I think, and told my T. She liked the phrase, but she doesn't specify "therapy love" when she signs her emails "love." I just thought of something. If she doesn't email me, I won't get to see " love, T" written out. Why does she say she's not taking anything away when she is? I know she will say she hopes I know that she has a special place in her heart for me, and it doesn't have to written, that she loves me. Idk. I'm crying again.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

You went a week without contact Rainbow. Now work toward two. Take it a week at a time. Don't get ahead of yourself. You are upset about something that your T said is years down the road.

She's a good T and is being real with you. Therapy should eventually have an end; it always will have an end at some point. The goal is that you are ready when that time comes.

Resist the urge to call her if you can. You don't have to "do" anything about your feelings right now. It's okay to feel what you are feeling, and feelings always pass. Give yourself some time and work on other ways to tolerate the emotions without getting your T fix to stifle the emotions. You like things to always be calm and sweet and feel-good with your T, but I suspect the real work may take a bit of irritant to get you out of your comfort zone. I suspect you'd like to stay in that comfort zone with your T forever, but that really wouldn't be independent progress. So, feel your feelings and know they will settle down to a tolerable level after a good night's sleep. You'll be able to think a bit clearer and with less catastrophizing in your head.

Sorry it is hurting right now. But it's okay that it does.

Lola, you know me so well, and always tell me truths in a firm, but nice way! Thank you. I wish I could go 2 weeks without emailing but I didn't even finish the first. I don't want to stop emailing my T. I don't think it will help my problem to stop. It just makes me feel unsettled and anxious, and depressed! About therapy ending. I assumed I would die first, since my T is 14 years younger than I am. I know that's no guarantee, but in my mind that's how it would play out. She'd be with me at the end. I know that's pathetic and I'm crying again.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I will answer later. But I already did email her. I couldn't help it because I feel so awful.

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I think the key is in realising you can FEEL terrible but you don't have to email/call, you can let it pass. Your mood seems to be up and down depending on the status of your therapy. Have you done much work on DBT and feelings? You don't have to panic and do anything.

To be honest your thread about T not leaving etc doesn't seem realistic. She may not PLAN to but it still may happen as things change. T saying therapy has a beginning/middle/end is more realistic and I'm glad you will be able to work with things together.

She isn't rejecting you. She isn't saying goodbye today. This feelng will move on.

Thanks, Jane. I did 2 cycles of DBT about 4 years ago. Maybe I should review my notes. It's just that my T is the one I want to reach out to even though I have a couple of close friends who know me very well and will listen to me talk about my T. I know my T isn't rejecting me, but I sure feel like she is.

Originally Posted by AllHeart

“Why do I have to give you up?”

I don’t see any of this as a reason to have to give up your t. Cutting back emailing your t seems to me like you are moving away from dependence on your t and that’s a good thing. In fact, that, to me, signifies a step towards a secure attachment.

I commend your t for not feeding you a line of BS. There is a beginning, middle, and end to pretty much everything in life. And if you think about it, everyone in therapy could be considered a “I am a doing this now” situation because it is going to end at some point. Does that make the relationship one has with their t, the care, the love, suddenly not real or meaningless? Of course not.

Why is it that you think about quitting therapy? It seems like your t is an absolute blessing to you. Sorry I’m not understanding.

AllHeart, I never think about quitting therapy. This is ALL coming from my T, not me. I tried not emailing but it's too hard for me. It doesn't seem worth it to me. My T doesn't understand how important it is. We talked about how I felt last week, not emailing my reactions to the session. That was doable, but I had to email anyway. I couldn't stop myself. Thank you for saying that the love is still there; it's not meaningless. That I know. T loves me, and I love her. Nothing can take that away.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I think partly because you are unable to have more frequent sessions that this is causing more pain.
I've said it before.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I see my T once a week for 1 hour. That's a normal schedule so I don't know what you mean, Mouse. I was out-of-town recently so I missed 3 sessions. Other than that, it's been weekly for a long time.

Rainbow
I can really hear the hurt and distress in your post. It sounds like it's coming from a very young place. Can you hear what a lot of people here said, they are saying that you can feel your feelings but don't have to act on them. From reading your posts here for a long time, it appears you feel all of these emotions, get overwhelmed and act on them very quickly. Can you sit with them for a while chew in them and let them digest?
Your t was being real and sometimes reality hurts. Nobody can say what will happen in the future but right now she is here for you! I think your t is trying to prepare you for the inevitable- when she isn't there. How would it be to support yourself right now, by being kind and giving yourself what you need to soothe these horrible feelings?
There is support here, perhaps venting to is instead of your t might help?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I had felt kind of the same way you do rainbow. My T meant everything to me (still does) and I had this unhealthy thought that I would always be in therapy with her no matter what. It was very sudden and out of the blue when she told me she got a new job and was closing her practice. I fell apart when she told me. You still have lots of time left. I had two months to get used to the fact that she was leaving and that might seem like a long time but it really wasn't. Make use of your time. Cherish every session. Work on the most important things and really enjoy having her as a T. Some day it will end but the more you enjoy now and the more you can learn to be more independent and not need her, the end will be better for you. I didn't have time to get more independent and not need her. I went from having her support to nothing overnight and its been hard to adjust to say the least. I had a fantastic T who changed my life and I don't regret becoming close to her. Her love and our relationship has been so healing and its in my heart forever. We still keep in touch and I am so grateful for that. I hope you can have the same. No one is suggesting you replace her and you can't replace people. You just have to learn a new way of having her in your life. Don't panic right now. Worrying about something you can't change means you don't enjoy the present moments. She is still your T and you have her support. That should make you happy and hopeful. You are lucky to have her. I hope you can enjoy your time with her and all the present moments. I really wish I was given more time with mine.

[Waterbear]

Thanks cinnamon, needed to hear that today, all of it. Hope the feelings settle rainbow so you can truly appreciate the time you will continue to spend together.

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think good therapists recognize that the goal is not get patients severely attached unable to function, but rather be ok functioning in the world without them.

But seems they often do get clients severely attached, in a way that is not found in normal relationships. And clearly it's not uncommon for clients to feel unable to function when faced with loss of the T, even if it's just a break imposed by a long vacation.

I think comparing this to outside relationships in terms of the potential for heartbreak and pain misses something fundamental, because of the nature of the relationship -- the idealized figure of the T, the parallels to parent-child, the fantasies of the perfect relationship, the emotional dependency, the disparity of need. I found it to be too close to institutionalized cruelty when it ruptured and when it ended.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by brillskep

Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time with your therapy. I have been reading your posts over time and i think you have gained a lot from your therapy overall, but pain is part of any therapy / relationship / life. You are not alone in this though.

I think your therapist is right that there is always an ending. Not just to therapy but to any relationship. I think a lot of us want lifelong loving relationships, but even those end, though we may not want to consider that. It does hurt but maybe the two of you will be able to work through this together. In the end, I think everyone that we care about is irreplaceable, and the goal of therapy may not be so much to replace your therapist as it is to enrich your own life, so that when this precious relationship ends, you will have gained other precious relationships and experiences that will make the loss hurt less when you look at the bigger picture of your life. At least this is how I view it.

Of course it hurts to know it's your therapist's job when you care about her on a deep, personal level. I think the unique aspect of therapeutic relationships is that they can (and should) be both - both the therapist's job and the therapist's genuine care. I find that difficult to reconcile as a client, too.

Brillskep, your reply is beautiful. Thank you very much. It's hard for me to face endings, which makes me wonder if I'm coping as well as I think I'm doing, to the loss of my H.
I put all my feelings about loss into the the relationship with my T instead.

Originally Posted by divine1966

Sorry you are hurting. You still have time to work with her. The reality is that no matter how good therapists are, they aren't our lovers or family or close friends. I think good therapists recognize that the goal is not get patients severely attached unable to function, but rather be ok functioning in the world without them. Your t sounds like a good one. And if the goal is for you to function independently one day or find other circles of people, it is something to focus on right now. Something to work on

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thanks. Yes, it's the hardest thing in the world for me to work on. T keeps asking if my parents left me when I was young. They didn't. I don't know why I want my T so much.

Originally Posted by Rive.

It's hard to think of separation or possibility of endings but rainbow the time has not come yet. Please don't fly off to this time in the distant(?) future. She is not gone yet and has further reassured you it is not for now. But the reality is, we are not eternal... And unfortunately, separation - in one form or another - is inevitable.

I don't mean to minimize what you're feeling but stay within the present. We never know what the future holds: of course you might resolve the attachment issues; you yourself might be more secure or independent, so much so that you wouldn't necessarily need her as much... new and stronger connections (whether platonic or romantic) in 'real' life might serve to fulfill some of your needs so that you won't feel the separation as such an agonizing loss.

It does not mean replacing her or other people becoming more important. I think she will always have a special place in your heart. And from what you write, i think you also hold a place in her heart... She might not want to work forever but hey, it doesn't mean she will wash her hands off you completely. You might forge a different relationship with her, so that she might still be in your life in some form (though no longer as your T).

Bottom line, don't give up hope. The story (of you and T) is not over. She's not giving up on you yet!

Thanks for helping me see the positive, Rive. I know you're right but it's hard for me to see it. I feel depressed and also not up to par physically which doesn't help. I need more sleep. It's hard to hear my T talking about "my getting along without her". I want to forget she said those words!

Originally Posted by doogie

I've had 3 Ts - 3 different types of Ts. The first created a situation where I was dependent on her. Emails, phone calls, lots and lots of support. At the time, I was in heaven. I thought that I had found the perfect T who cared about me and loved me and would be there for me. And then she found a new job and closed her practice and left. And while she HAD been supporting me wonderfully during our time together, not once did she help me learn how to help myself during hard times or how to reach out to anyone in my 'real' life for help. My second T taught me why Ts have boundaries around certain things (like outside contact). Of course, I could call her if I needed her - but no texting, no email replies from her. I was frustrated in the beginning and I hated her for her boundaries. I felt they were cold and uncaring. But what I learned was that in the absence of reaching out to T all the time (because I had no choice of contacting T except emergency) I HAD to learn to soothe myself and learn to reach out to those around me. It WAS NOT EASY. But I did it. That T became suddenly ill and had to close her practice with little notice. Though my heart was broken, I was much better equipped to deal with that loss. My current T is a good balance of both of my former Ts. Allows check-in texts when needed, has reasonable boundaries around other types of contact. Has said she cares too much about me to let me become too dependent on her. I've learned by experience that relying on a T is like a crutch to get through a difficult time until I can get back up on my own. If you break your leg, you need a crutch to help you get around, but once your leg heals - even though you might still need rehab for a while - you don't still need to rely on the crutch as much. Good luck Rainbow. It's hard. So. very. hard. I wish you the best of luck and warm hugs and thoughts. Just some things to think about.

Thanks doogie. I've had T's with stricter boundaries too. Nothing seems to work for me. Before email. I used to call my Ts back then. I seem to have always needed extra contact, which is strange because I never thought I could ever talk to a T. I think my feelings were bottled up inside me for so many years that when I finally discovered therapy, I couldn't get enough of it! I don't really think of it as crutches. I think I deceived myself into believing it's a real relationship in spite of the money. Pathetic I know.

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

Awhile ago my T started shifting towards more me being more reassuring to myself instead of reaching out to her to reassure me. This didn't go well. I told her that I'm not ready for that yet. We talked about it and we decided that when I feel ready I'll have a choice in the transition instead of her doing it. We'll move toward dependence together at the time when I feel ready and comfortable.

I hope my T will do it that way too. It worked for holding hands. I rarely need it now, but I do need emailing! Thanks, Ellahmae.

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Rainbow
I can really hear the hurt and distress in your post. It sounds like it's coming from a very young place. Can you hear what a lot of people here said, they are saying that you can feel your feelings but don't have to act on them. From reading your posts here for a long time, it appears you feel all of these emotions, get overwhelmed and act on them very quickly. Can you sit with them for a while chew in them and let them digest?
Your t was being real and sometimes reality hurts. Nobody can say what will happen in the future but right now she is here for you! I think your t is trying to prepare you for the inevitable- when she isn't there. How would it be to support yourself right now, by being kind and giving yourself what you need to soothe these horrible feelings?
There is support here, perhaps venting to is instead of your t might help?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You're right, mona, about how I react very quickly. Maybe I could have waited and not written T so soon Tuesday. I react that way to perceived rejection. T also says it's coming from a young place. She didn't answer me yet but I didn't expect her to. I wanted her to know I was hurting. We don't know why I can't handle the reality, what happened in my past. I wish I knew. I think it's maybe that I never learned to be independent. I was too attached to my Mom. It seems Ts don't accept that reasoning.

Last week I posted every day on this forum but I still had to email T. I don't know what to do, but it does help and I am grateful be for this forum and everyone who replied.

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I had felt kind of the same way you do rainbow. My T meant everything to me (still does) and I had this unhealthy thought that I would always be in therapy with her no matter what. It was very sudden and out of the blue when she told me she got a new job and was closing her practice. I fell apart when she told me. You still have lots of time left. I had two months to get used to the fact that she was leaving and that might seem like a long time but it really wasn't. Make use of your time. Cherish every session. Work on the most important things and really enjoy having her as a T. Some day it will end but the more you enjoy now and the more you can learn to be more independent and not need her, the end will be better for you. I didn't have time to get more independent and not need her. I went from having her support to nothing overnight and its been hard to adjust to say the least. I had a fantastic T who changed my life and I don't regret becoming close to her. Her love and our relationship has been so healing and its in my heart forever. We still keep in touch and I am so grateful for that. I hope you can have the same. No one is suggesting you replace her and you can't replace people. You just have to learn a new way of having her in your life. Don't panic right now. Worrying about something you can't change means you don't enjoy the present moments. She is still your T and you have her support. That should make you happy and hopeful. You are lucky to have her. I hope you can enjoy your time with her and all the present moments. I really wish I was given more time with mine.

Cinnamon, I admire you! You made the best ofa bad situation. You have a very caring T, too. I'm glad you're going to stay in touch with her. Yes. I do have to enjoy what I have now. Thanks for reminding me.

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Thanks cinnamon, needed to hear that today, all of it. Hope the feelings settle rainbow so you can truly appreciate the time you will continue to spend together.

Thank you, Waterbear.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I think in some ways we are alike rainbow. I know how much it hurts to have that longing for your T. I think the longing hurts more now that she is not my T. I understand your fear of the end. I was petrified of it because I knew it would be like this. You can PM me anytime. I really understand where you are coming from and if you ever need to vent or talk about anything, I am here for you. Sending you gentle hugs if you want them.

I'm so sorry Rainbow

Unfortunately this realization is one of the pains of therapy, even with the best therapist.

I do think that even though we our jobs to our therapist that we are still loved and valued.

Also know that even IF things need to come to an end with this therapist (retirement, death, or rupture) there are many other good therapists out there. THERAPY will always be available, and truthfully loving feelings are more process originating as opposed to working with truly special therapists. Just look at how many similar experiences exist on this board, though we are all very different with very different therapists.

I know this probably isn't super helpful, but you are not alone!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by BudFox

But seems they often do get clients severely attached, in a way that is not found in normal relationships. And clearly it's not uncommon for clients to feel unable to function when faced with loss of the T, even if it's just a break imposed by a long vacation.

I think comparing this to outside relationships in terms of the potential for heartbreak and pain misses something fundamental, because of the nature of the relationship -- the idealized figure of the T, the parallels to parent-child, the fantasies of the perfect relationship, the emotional dependency, the disparity of need. I found it to be too close to institutionalized cruelty when it ruptured and when it ended.

BudFox, I don't think I posted in your threads because I am so pro therapy, but I do agree with what you posted here. It IS different in therapy because of what you wrote. The relationship is, for many, like parent and child, idealization of the T, and fantasies of what can never be. Therapy causes an incredible longing in me because my T can never satisfy those fantasies. I still hope that I can grow to accept what I can't have and come out of therapy a healthy person. I'm not sure I can but I can't give up yet.

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

I think in some ways we are alike rainbow. I know how much it hurts to have that longing for your T. I think the longing hurts more now that she is not my T. I understand your fear of the end. I was petrified of it because I knew it would be like this. You can PM me anytime. I really understand where you are coming from and if you ever need to vent or talk about anything, I am here for you. Sending you gentle hugs if you want them.

Thank you, Cinnamon. I'm sorry you are going through such a hard time and I totally understand! I just can't imagine never seeing my T again. I know it sounds crazy, but it hurts more than the loss of my H. My T has always said it's because of early attachment issues. The child parts want to be with her like baby and Mommy.
Thanks for your offer to PM. I hope it gets easier for you, but grieving is normal, and there's no time table. Hugs.

Originally Posted by FallingFreely

I'm so sorry Rainbow

Unfortunately this realization is one of the pains of therapy, even with the best therapist.

I do think that even though we our jobs to our therapist that we are still loved and valued.

Also know that even IF things need to come to an end with this therapist (retirement, death, or rupture) there are many other good therapists out there. THERAPY will always be available, and truthfully loving feelings are more process originating as opposed to working with truly special therapists. Just look at how many similar experiences exist on this board, though we are all very different with very different therapists.

I know this probably isn't super helpful, but you are not alone!

Thank you, FallingFreely. This is my 5th T and I told myself I would never see anyone else. I really expected to see her the rest of my life. I saw a grief counselor recently, but that was for a limited time. I couldn't go through this again. If she and I can't resolve the attachment, I'll just have to go on as best I can.

I think I will finish my other issues, not that they ever get finished, and then see how I feel. Right now I'm still sad. My T emailed back that we will talk about it in the session.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by BudFox

But seems they often do get clients severely attached, in a way that is not found in normal relationships. And clearly it's not uncommon for clients to feel unable to function when faced with loss of the T, even if it's just a break imposed by a long vacation.


.

That's what I said as well. I am not sure why you say "but".

I said that in my opinion "good" Ts don't make their clients severely attached to the point of clients unable to function. In my post "good" Is a key word. I

have to say though that many people become severely attached to others up to the point of not able to function. And those aren't always therapists, unhealthy attachments are happening in other relationships too. It is s job of a good therapists to recognize attachment issue in clients and find ways to help clients to be independent rather than cultivate dependency.

Now if attachment makes clients happy then it's ok but from what I am reading it makes most clients very miserable. Then it's not ok. I don't believe good Ts should cultivate such attachments and then watch clients crumble. Just not ok.