Struggling with T's absence

I am filled with anxiety. My next appointment isn't until 2 weeks and 3 days away on the Tuesday after labor day. (Not that I'm counting or anything.) I have so much crap going on and i feel so alone.

I really miss T a lot, have him constantly in my mind. I know that this is an opportunity for growth, but it comes with a high price.

I have realized that with him away I am afraid that something will happen to me. I am afraid that he won't come back or I won't come back. These are feelings of abandonment that I had in my childhood. They are very painful.

This is beyond difficult. There is a brick in the center of my chest.

(((hugs))) if that's ok.

Your fears and pain are so understandable. All I keep thinking is, have faith in him, trust him, trust your relationship. I know that's incredibly difficult after a childhood full of abandonment - but allow him to prove he will come back. He will return to you. He'll be as ready to see you as you will be to see him. During the time he's away continue to write out your feelings, continue to write here for friends to help you through, and when he returns

I struggle with abandonment fears also. My T has been gone only since Wednesday and will be returning Monday and I'm an absolute mess. My attachment to her is so strong, and abandonment fears are so high that even in this short period I lose focus. All I tell myself is that so far she has been different then those in my past childhood experience and because she's never failed me once, I have to have faith in her.

Please rely on support from us here and those others around you to get through this temporary time! He will return!

I am quoting this from your phone call post, as to help you remember that T will be back

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He said: I will see you three weeks from yesterday. I will be back on the Friday before Labor day, so if you need me you can call me that day.

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Separation can be intolerable. I know. Especially when there is no object constancy. I am the same way. When T is gone, he's gone. I think I told you... one time I called him to make sure we were still in therapy together. I seriously convinced myself that he just disappeared in between sessions.

The only thing that is going to happen to you is that it is going to hurt like hell. Like right now. But you will still be here when he returns.

Have you been journaling?

Sending you hearts, thoughts, and cheese cubes.

i sooooo understand. i had an uplanned break from therapy.. and i was very suicidal..very. it was scary almost so much that i dont want to get used to the every week thing again i think maybe.

My support goes out to you (((sister))). Reach out. PM me if you want to talk in chat.

Thank you all. I am taking you up on your suggestions and trying to talk this through. You will all be really sick of me by Labor Day.

Intellectually I know he will be back but emotionally I don't. Actually,the intellectual belief is beginning to wane too. When he went away in July I thought he was in the airport in Scotland where the car bomb went off. (I don't even think he went to Scotland, I made that part up)

I went to a wedding this afternoon, thought I was going to have a panic attack on the way there and almost asked my husband to turn the car around. Instead, I went and downed three bloody mary's. The anxiety is better. I know, not a great coping mechanism but it worked for today. Man, T would just give me that blank look or say, what does the alcohol do for you? hahahaha

I hear myself writing all this and I think I am off the walls. Okay, Pink I will get the journal out, good idea. I did write him one letter already but that was in the beginning. Now I feel as though I am in the middle of a tunnel with no light in sight from either side.

I simply do not know how I will make it through. Nobody said it would be this hard, dammit.

All morning I kept having intense SI images....don't want to go there. I've had a few childhood memories of being alone that suck.



2 weeks, 3 days till my next appointment with T.

1 week, 6 days till I can call him on the phone to check in.

(((((((( sister ))))))))

I have no wisdom on this. My T was going to be out for a month and I had no idea how I would manage, but then I didn't have to after all because she didn't have to be gone.

What if you take that hour and do something for you? Leave the house and go somewhere. A long drive with your favorite music playing..... a quiet cafe to enjoy a good book, or to journal to him as if he was there too.... shopping to buy something that makes you think of him...take the hour and do something out of your normal routine, like therapy is your hour out of your normal routine; keep the hour going and keep it special and journal about it to share with him when he comes back to you.

Hi Sister. I understand and really do cringe with you....as I know that it is so difficult. What a rip.

I like Echoes' suggestions. Make that time special.

I know you have alot going on right now.

I love bloody marys.... have not had one in maybe years. Hope you had plenty of celery. ;-)

sister, I'm sorry the separation is so hard. (((hugs)))

I really like ECHOES' idea of keeping that hour each week special and doing something during it to commemorate your time with your T. I think that would help me.

During my most intense phase of attachment to my therapist, I would sometimes hold conversations with him when he wasn't there. This would help me deal with his painful absence. When I did this, I would usually be driving alone in my car, and imagine he was in the car with me. I would carry on a conversation with him. It wasn't like a therapy conversation, but just a normal conversation, as if he and I were out for a drive and enjoying each other's company. I would remark on things along the way of the trip, or talk about music I was playing, etc. This made me feel not so lonely.

((((((((((((((sister))))))))))))))

My thoughts are with you. I have whethered a very long 7 weeks. I went back last Friday (will post about that later). You will survive, and come out of it even stronger. I think journalling is a great idea and I found that a great comfort. Hang in there.....you will be ok

I'm sorry sister!

I miss my T now and I just saw him last week. I read somewhere that when a client can 'love' their T, and love can mean anything from liking, respecting to loving as a good friend, they can heal and have more awareness and change than ever thought possible.

The weeks will go by fast ~ sending super-speed vibes to ya!

Thanks to all for your ideas.

Echoes, I love the idea of keeping that time special--it's a good one.

Sunny, yes, I often have conversations (in my head) with T!!

But here's the thing that worries me. I now have thoughts of him in my head all the time. It feels obsessive. I don't understand this and it's really bugging me. I feel like a dog, pining for his owner. %#@&#!, this is ridiculous. So, how do I have a conversation or hold onto the love as Almeda says, without feeling obsessive? Why are the feelings so intense?

I wonder if I'm doing something wrong in therapy?

On Tuesday last when I had that awful session, I told my husband that I felt like I failed therapy. He said, there's no crying in baseball and there's no failing therapy, but I'm beginning to feel otherwise.

I'm going to listen to one of my relaxation tapes and cook dinner, but I really feel like crying.



2 weeks, 2 days till my next appointment

1 week, 5 days till I can call.

(((((((sister)))))))))

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sister said:
But here's the thing that worries me. I now have thoughts of him in my head all the time. It feels obsessive.

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sister, I have thoughts of my T in my head often too. But it doesn't feel obsessive (maybe it once was?). It feels comforting. I think he will be with me all my life in my head, even when I am no longer seeing him. Somehow, I like that--he will live on. Maybe it's not such a bad thing?

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So, how do I have a conversation or hold onto the love as Almeda says, without feeling obsessive?

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Why does it feel obsessive? Do you personally think it feels obsessive or do you think others would criticize you and call you "obsessed" if they knew how often you are thinking about your T in his absence? Sometimes I have felt my relationship with my T to be aberrant because it is not like any other in my life. But then I read about therapy and find that it is supposed to be very close and connected and intense, like nothing else you have experienced. And then I know I am OK. People who haven't been in therapy (as I was before ) might not understand or get it and think it obsessive. But we know better, don't we?

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I wonder if I'm doing something wrong in therapy?

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I wouldn't use the word "wrong," but maybe you are feeling the urge to take a new direction when T returns? Nothing wrong with that. Run that by your T when he comes back. You don't need to stick with a particular tack if it is not getting you where you need to go.

(((((hugs)))))

sister, instead of calling it obsessive, what about letting it happen for the purpose of exploring it? They are just thoughts and thoughts are ok.

Obsession can be about control. Your idea that you've somehow failed therapy is curious too. I wonder if you are thinking you caused T to go away.. that if you were "successful" in therapy, that would have kept him there with you.

I think you're holding him close, in your thoughts.

(((Sunny,Esther,Secret,Echoes)))

Secret, please come back I miss you almost as much as T.

Thanks so much for your responses--they are really, really helping me to work through these feelings!!

So much so, that I figured something out today. The intense feelings and the feeling that I did something wrong--those emotions are coming from my inner child. My little girl self is really hurting right now. She feels abandoned and she feels like she did something wrong to cause T to go away. Just like children whose parents go away/divorce and they blame themselves. I have to soothe her and help her to realize that she is good and loveable, and that she didn't do anything wrong. I can't wait to discuss this with T. We have talked about my inner child on several occasions and have done some inner child work.

Of course, that's today....I wonder what tomorrow will bring? It still feels so far away till I can see him.



2 weeks, 2 days till my next appointment with T

1 week, 5 days till I can call him

As painful as it is, you are continuously reaching insight with Ts absence... continue to allow yourself to look forward to sharing it with him when he returns.

As far as the inner child thing... I can totally empathize with you in regards to feeling like you "did something wrong." When I heard my pdoc wants me to go for a 2nd opinion, T and I talked about how the little girl felt abandoned... and regardless of how rationally I tried to think about it or how much I hate my pdoc anyway... all I could say was, "What did I do wrong that he wants to get rid of me?"

Hang in there. You are doing great.