[SarahSweden]

I feel both hurt and sad about what my T said to me and how she treated me in the last session before Christmas. She said several things that I see as inappropriate and hurting.

1. She said my behaviour is anally and like "in need of taking a ****" that is she thinks I´m too rigid or something like that.

2. She refers to other clients and says they work with free associations in other therapies as a way of telling me that I don´t use free associations.

3. She kind of mock me around me wanting to be able to feel a bit of luxury from time to time, that I feel it´s important to strive forward and to be able to buy for example more expensive coffee. She said "can´t you invite your friends for coffee and bisquits, must it be coffee and a seven layer cake?". I´ve never mentioned there has to be a cake.

4. She talks about humour and how that´s important in therapy.

5. She mentions several similar gibes.

I feel it has come to be more and more about pointing out my personality or my way of being as a reason why she can´t work as she wants in therapy.

What do you others think?

Is she actually using such language as you are describing? If you take way the languare you are inferring I actually find what she has to say of value.

[Myrto]

I don't see anything wrong with what she's saying (what does "anally" mean? I don't understand that word).But clearly you do. You've been dissatisfied with her way of doing therapy since the beginning. You find the most random examples to convince yourself your therapist is mean to you or doesn't understand you. You said therapy didn't help you. I don't understand why you are still with her: you don't find it helpful at all and you're not attached to your therapist so why are you still going? You must find something of value in this therapy. Otherwise, why go? I'm sorry to be blunt, I'm really not trying to blame you at all. It's just that since you clearly don't think this is helping, why not stop going? If you were attached to your therapist it would be different but you are not attached.

[LifeInProgress]

Challenging our comfort can be a very valid aproach to therapy. It definitely feels uncofortable and unpleasant at the time though.

That being said, if you feel hurt by what your T said, please bring it up in your next session. You should feel safe.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I feel it has come to be more and more about pointing out my personality or my way of being...

There is nothing inherently wrong with that, if done with regard for you personal dignity, but I would want someone to be quite clear and specific since I do not do well at interpreting analogy -- bisquits versus cake -- or being like other people.

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

...as a reason why she can´t work as she wants in therapy.

If she truly does believe she is failing you and is blaming you for that, I would say she needs to re-examine her approach.

[atisketatasket]

Anally - stiff and unyielding. As though there were a rod up your ****, or, here maybe extremely constipated.

Sarah, I think your therapist is frustrated. I think she thinks you're stuck and are doing nothing to help yourself get out of your depression and your situation. Whether she should have approached it like this is debateable, but maybe the underlying message is what you should listen to. You're frustrated with her, too, so maybe next session would be a good time for you two to level with each other.

[Merecat]

Honestly I think you are quite rigid in your approach to therapy - you don't like the way she works, but you keep going and keep picking holes in how she works, like it's your mission to get her to do it differently regardless of her training etc.

You may not like the way she phrased things - and possibly you have a more literal way of approaching communication but what I hear her saying is that you're all or nothing, there's little wiggle room with you. Which is fair material for therapy but she may not be the right person for you given how unhappy you seem to be with her.

[ruh roh]

It's not what she said that's the real problem, but the fact that it came from her and not you.

[Yellowbuggy]

I know it hurts to hear, but what do you think of the fact that she considers you to be rigid / ****? What would that mean to you? Are there ways that you consider yourself rigid? Could it hurt because you, too, are afraid that you are this way?

You don't need to give me an answer to these questions. They are more for you to think about. That is where real change occurs. Then maybe you can have a conversation with your therapist about what it means for you.

[unaluna]

Of course there has to be cake. What is wrong with her?? I would probably get fixated on just this one point.

Like when i was googling diets. Every single one had a step to "include your family and friends". I told my t, i cant do any of these diets, because i have no family or friends to include!

The point of therapy is not to change your personality - i think it is to help you find those parts of your personality that are not serving you well, that you ALSO wish to be rid of.

I felt like i was TOO frank, because i NEVER was appropriately noticed by my family. My t, over several years, built up this hole in my development, to where now i am not so COMPELLED to be so frank that it is to my detriment. Yet, i feel i am still frank. I just would not, for example, go up to a presidential candidate and punch him in the nose.

So maybe your t is just saying, she feels this attitude is sometimes to your detriment, as it was often to the detriment of my employment, and how can we lessen its effect? Without stepping on anybodys toes.

Did she say these all at once or little by little?

If you want to feel better, i think you at least need to be aware of the things that block the change you are looking for. How she delivers it is important. Gentle confrontatation vs. shaming.

Otherwise, how can someone change if they dont know what to work on? I agree its ideal for it to come from you, but sometines confrontation is used when a person is not seeing things after some time. I say this now, because i think my therapist recently did a more agressive confrontation. I read about it a bit in trauma therapy books, and its a technique to help propel someone forward.

Sort of like ISTPT, short term intensive psychodynamic therapy, dont recall the exact name, but its for people with limited time.

[Salmon77]

1. She said my behaviour is anally and like "in need of taking a ****" that is she thinks I´m too rigid or something like that.

Regarding this, there's some part of Freudian theory about the "**** stage" of development and problems with that process can show up in adulthood as a rigid, perfectionist personality, being "**** retentive." So possibly that was what she was talking about.

ETA: sorry, to be clear, the forum is blocking out the word a.n.a.l.

The other things you mention, I'm not sure why you interpret them as mocking and hurtful. You seem to really dislike this therapist.

That crosses my mind too.

Sarah, see if you can relate to this.

http://www.ptypes.com/obsessive-compulsive.html

Ive found this site really useful in understanding my patterns.

This particular style is also related to intellectualizing, being distant from the feeling part of yourself that you seem to describe in how you relate to her in sessions.

Sarah, if you re-read your OP, perhaps you will see that there is always your interpretation attached to what the T said to you, putting it in a negative context and as though she is being mean to you. Perhaps she is saying these things because you did not respond to more neutral/subtle interventions, to try and somehow break through a resistance?

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. As the things she said weren´t just a coincidence but said in a consciously manner I feel it´s not that much idea to bring it up. I´ve brought similar things up and she listens but then similar things happen again.

Originally Posted by LifeInProgress

Challenging our comfort can be a very valid aproach to therapy. It definitely feels uncofortable and unpleasant at the time though.

That being said, if you feel hurt by what your T said, please bring it up in your next session. You should feel safe.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. She said all this at the same time. I don´t see a point in being told about shortcomings, I can´t change them because I know about them, a different approach is needed. By hearing what I feel is critizism I just estrange myself from the situation and the way she acts and talks to me is not a successful kind of intervention.

Originally Posted by Skies

Did she say these all at once or little by little?

If you want to feel better, i think you at least need to be aware of the things that block the change you are looking for. How she delivers it is important. Gentle confrontatation vs. shaming.

Otherwise, how can someone change if they dont know what to work on? I agree its ideal for it to come from you, but sometines confrontation is used when a person is not seeing things after some time. I say this now, because i think my therapist recently did a more agressive confrontation. I read about it a bit in trauma therapy books, and its a technique to help propel someone forward.

Sort of like ISTPT, short term intensive psychodynamic therapy, dont recall the exact name, but its for people with limited time.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. I don´t see her as mean but she´s far from showing unconditional positive regard and she uses ways to approach me that just have the opposite effect, diminishing my trust in her. She seems to think she can jolt me by using expressions like being "in need of a ****" or using gibes but when I have had a few days to settle after such sayings I just try to ignore what she said. If she uses critique, jokes and similar and I realise she does that to break through a resistance I just go into my shell instead, she won´t be successful in meeting me in such a way.

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Sarah, if you re-read your OP, perhaps you will see that there is always your interpretation attached to what the T said to you, putting it in a negative context and as though she is being mean to you. Perhaps she is saying these things because you did not respond to more neutral/subtle interventions, to try and somehow break through a resistance?

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks. She said all this at the same time. I don´t see a point in being told about shortcomings, I can´t change them because I know about them, a different approach is needed. By hearing what I feel is critizism I just estrange myself from the situation and the way she acts and talks to me is not a successful kind of intervention.

Knowing about them leads to the possibility of trying to change them. That's not anyone else's approach to determine. It's yours. You might fail, or you might succeed, but it's your approach that will determine that.

[SarahSweden]

I mean approach as a part of my T:s therapeutic technique, if I feel shamed, critizised or ridiculed, of course that´s not an approach that takes me forward.

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Knowing about them leads to the possibility of trying to change them. That's not anyone else's approach to determine. It's yours. You might fail, or you might succeed, but it's your approach that will determine that.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I mean approach as a part of my T:s therapeutic technique, if I feel shamed, critizised or ridiculed, of course that´s not an approach that takes me forward.

Often criticism helps us improve ourselves...and get the things we say we want. The responsibility for taking you forward is yours, not your therapist's.

[here today]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks. I don´t see her as mean but she´s far from showing unconditional positive regard and she uses ways to approach me that just have the opposite effect, diminishing my trust in her. She seems to think she can jolt me by using expressions like being "in need of a ****" or using gibes but when I have had a few days to settle after such sayings I just try to ignore what she said. If she uses critique, jokes and similar and I realise she does that to break through a resistance I just go into my shell instead, she won´t be successful in meeting me in such a way.

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

I mean approach as a part of my T:s therapeutic technique, if I feel shamed, critizised or ridiculed, of course that´s not an approach that takes me forward.

To me, these statements sound pretty insightful, like you understand yourself and how you respond to your T pretty well. You've written before about some of her limitations, as you see it specifically in relation to helping you with anything. But I wonder -- in learning yourself about how you respond to her and her criticism and shaming -- will that perhaps in any way help, at least in terms of your own self-knowledge?

That might be something which you have gotten out of this therapy? Other than that, it doesn't seem like this T is helping you very much?

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. What I might gain from that, having to deal with her critizism, even if it´s indirect, is perhaps that I learn how to ignore more and try to forget. I don´t know, I feel it´s so far from what one should have to experience in therapy.

No, she isn´t helping me that much but she´s the only T at this clinic and they don´t do referralls and that´s why I have stayed with her with hope about improvements. I just feel I lose hope and I don´t know if it´s any point in even try finding another T. Perhaps my problems are just unsolvable.

Originally Posted by here today

To me, these statements sound pretty insightful, like you understand yourself and how you respond to your T pretty well. You've written before about some of her limitations, as you see it specifically in relation to helping you with anything. But I wonder -- in learning yourself about how you respond to her and her criticism and shaming -- will that perhaps in any way help, at least in terms of your own self-knowledge?

That might be something which you have gotten out of this therapy? Other than that, it doesn't seem like this T is helping you very much?