[rainbow8]

I have trouble holding onto the loving feelings T says she has for me. I feel good for a while but then something happens. I seem to be continually at the preverbal stage where I need constant reminders and attention. I felt great after my session but T not answering my email put a damper on that. I know she hasn't changed but something feels off. I can't ever have that unconditional love again, I guess. Do others have problems internalizing your T's love and caring?

I don't, but isn't this in part what people get "transitional objects" for, something with personal meaning that can be seen and touched? Have you considered/tried that?

[satsuma]

I did used to have this problem. T and I wrote a flashcard together about it. The flashcard says "Right now I am feeling like T doesn't care about me, but there is lots of evidence that he does" and then goes on with all the evidence. Also T suggested I record the sessions and listen to them later. Finally, we were able to text and email,and sometimes speak if necessary, between sessions. All these things were helpful and gradually I was able to "hold on" to the good feelings and learnt to trust. I've noticed that it has transferred across the rest of my life as well. I'm more able to trust friends and I don't any longer think that if one small thing goes wrong it means someone hates me or doesn't care. So it was really really good and helpful thing to learn.

Why does that feeling have to come from your therapist? What about your family and friends? Your therapist is a nice woman, but she is a temporary fixture in your life. Perhaps the reality of that is rightfully part of the problem.

[Luce]

I don't. They come and go. That's what feelings do.

It has helped me to develop trust that they will come back. Trust that the feeling of love exists even when it isn't experienced. When you look back over the entirety of your relationship you wil be able to see that the feelings have always come, and always gone. Because that is what feelings do. No feeling stays all the time. Ever.
But every time the feeling has faded and anger or disconnection or insecurity has taken its place, that feeling too has only been temporary, and the feeling of love has always,, always returned.
The thread of love runs through everything. Your T has always held you in love. She always will.
Even when the feeling of love fades and another temporarily stands in its place.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by satsuma

I did used to have this problem. T and I wrote a flashcard together about it. The flashcard says "Right now I am feeling like T doesn't care about me, but there is lots of evidence that he does" and then goes on with all the evidence. Also T suggested I record the sessions and listen to them later. Finally, we were able to text and email,and sometimes speak if necessary, between sessions. All these things were helpful and gradually I was able to "hold on" to the good feelings and learnt to trust. I've noticed that it has transferred across the rest of my life as well. I'm more able to trust friends and I don't any longer think that if one small thing goes wrong it means someone hates me or doesn't care. So it was really really good and helpful thing to learn.

I think this flashcard is a nice idea. I like to journal after session, and go back and read it if I'm feeling down about the therapeutic relationship.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Why does that feeling have to come from your therapist? What about your family and friends? Your therapist is a nice woman, but she is a temporary fixture in your life. Perhaps the reality of that is rightfully part of the problem.

First of all, my T is not a temporary fixture in my life. I plan to be in contact with her for the rest of my life, even if just by email. The feeling from my T feels better than from my family and friends.

[Elio]

Rainbow, I struggle with this. I often journal about a good feeling and hoping I can hold onto it. Or some how tap back into it in a time of need. I'm not there yet. I do feel lots of things shifting for me in my relationship with my t and maybe part of that is learning these things.

Thank you, Satsuma and Luce for your comments. I am glad to hear that this is something that can be learnt as well as another way to look at it.

Lolagrace - I too see my t in my life for the rest of my life in some form or another. And yes, I hope to learn how to translate the ability to other relationships, I think learning to have it with t is the safest place to learn it.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Elio

Rainbow, I struggle with this. I often journal about a good feeling and hoping I can hold onto it. Or some how tap back into it in a time of need. I'm not there yet. I do feel lots of things shifting for me in my relationship with my t and maybe part of that is learning these things.

Thank you, Satsuma and Luce for your comments. I am glad to hear that this is something that can be learnt as well as another way to look at it.

Lolagrace - I too see my t in my life for the rest of my life in some form or another. And yes, I hope to learn how to translate the ability to other relationships, I think learning to have it with t is the safest place to learn it.

Elio, thank you for validating my feelings.

[thesnowqueen]

I've been told a few times that I have this issue - that I can't internalize/hold the good in a relationship. Really I'm a bit unsure of it. It first happened with an authority figure who I idealized but who treated me quite badly (not abusively). My mental state deteriorated and I went into a psychotic depression. Eventually he realized what had happened and would then - on occasion have these long conversations with me. While I was speaking to him (at these times) I would feel cared for, respected, etc. However these conversations would be had maybe once a month or even less as he had many other duties. Meanwhile he actually still did some things which were pretty incontrovertible signs that he did not care all that much for me. Between conversations I would then go into a spiral of doubt and upset and end up back at the beginning.

Some years later the same thing happened with a T. When I saw him I was sure he cared about me, etc etc. But in between sessions I would go into an agony of doubt and sheer misery. I would recall emails he hadn't replied to, etc etc. I saw him 8 years and he passed away last year. My worst episodes are still when I think he didn't/couldn't have cared about me.

This isn't a feature of all my relationships - I am pretty insecure, but it doesn't generally have this intensity. I also haven't found the psychoanalytical theory that as an infant I was not able to internalize the good... to be very helpful, or to have that much explanatory value. It could be that I just don't understand the theory well enough. I remember it being tied up with object constancy?

[ScarletPimpernel]

I do my best to hold onto the caring feelings, but it's hard. It's one of the reasons I email my T weekly: just to reinforce the feelings. She always encourages me and reassures me. When we go to monthly sessions, I will get a letter and a transitional object from her. Those will also help me hold onto those feelings.

I'm the same way with my fiance. Luckily, he's okay with all the reassuring. We have a ritual of how we say goodnight, we always cuddle before bed, and we're always giving hugs. I think he likes all the reassuring too.

Would be possible to hold onto more complex memories of events, including environment, atmosphere, conversation topic etc, instead of the other person, their expressions and the interpersonal exchange in a more isolated way? I am just speculating since I don't have this problem, so was trying to think what and how I internalize. I think for me it's these complex impressions, including my own positive feelings in the moment, the larger picture rather than just the interpersonal domain. This way the memories are complex and the different elements can trigger recall of one-another in powerful ways... it never feels isolated or as though it happened outside of me. It's automatic, I never learned it consciously, but I wonder if it could be learned, similarly to a meditative practice or something? Really not sure it makes sense to others or if it could be helpful but I wanted to try to describe it because I really rarely felt loneliness in my life. I did when I was very depressed and cut off from these internal mechanisms and connection from the rest of the world. It is rarely specific to one person for me, including back in my childhood, I think, although there were some outstanding positive influences.

I don't think it's about object constancy per se either, especially for adults. Probably more that some people develop an inner source and soothing mechanism (of course I do believe it's heavily influenced by caretakers in early life), which does not necessarily require interpersonal interaction and reassurance once it's set. I believe that if this is not developed fully or becomes damaged due to mental illness, intense stress etc, then there are all these things of looking for love in all places outside but never quite feeling of finding or sustaining it. If this is true, I imagine it might be much more effective to work on creating this "inner place" or mechanism, the intrapsychic, rather than focusing on the interpersonal too much and hoping it will ever provide that powerful nurture.

[LonesomeTonight]

I have trouble with this, too, both with T and marriage counselors and with other relationships in my life.

SnowQueen, you might have been thinking of Object Relations theory? I've read up some on that because apparently it's one of MC's favorites. He'll often talk about stuff I'm feeling/ways I'm reacting now as coming from messages I got from my parents in childhood.

Here's some info on it: Object Relations

[*Laurie*]

Have you talked with her about the difficulty you have holding onto her loving feelings? Because it's really important to discuss it with her.

I last saw my wonderful therapist almost 20 years ago (I was in therapy with him for over six years) and I still feel the love and caring he had for me. It still helps me get through some rough times.

[thesnowqueen]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

I don't think it's about object constancy per se either, especially for adults. Probably more that some people develop an inner source and soothing mechanism (of course I do believe it's heavily influenced by caretakers in early life), which does not necessarily require interpersonal interaction and reassurance once it's set. I believe that if this is not developed fully or becomes damaged due to mental illness, intense stress etc, then there are all these things of looking for love in all places outside but never quite feeling of finding or sustaining it. If this is true, I imagine it might be much more effective to work on creating this "inner place" or mechanism, the intrapsychic, rather than focusing on the interpersonal too much and hoping it will ever provide that powerful nurture.

It may be that setting that mechanism of self-regulation involves internalizing some kind of reliable, loving and responsive caregiver. I'm guessing the theory involves positing an essential connection between the interpersonal and the intrapsychic. I'm thinking that it might also be difficult to internalize the 'good caretaker' later, just because the sense of oneself as unlovable or unworthy may be quite fixed and so any interaction that suggests otherwise may be interpreted as suspect, if not outright betrayal.

For me personally, I think the ability to self-regulate is particularly inhibited in situations in which I doubt the authenticity of the care given to me by a person I have idealized. But there is also something close to a compulsion to doubt it. It might be that the process of internalizing a sense of self-worth and the reliability of another must be done in tandem.

Originally Posted by thesnowqueen

It may be that setting that mechanism of self-regulation involves internalizing some kind of reliable, loving and responsive caregiver. I'm guessing the theory involves positing an essential connection between the interpersonal and the intrapsychic. I'm thinking that it might also be difficult to internalize the 'good caretaker' later, just because the sense of oneself as unlovable or unworthy may be quite fixed and so any interaction that suggests otherwise may be interpreted as suspect, if not outright betrayal.

For me personally, I think the ability to self-regulate is particularly inhibited in situations in which I doubt the authenticity of the care given to me by a person I have idealized. But there is also something close to a compulsion to doubt it. It might be that the process of internalizing a sense of self-worth and the reliability of another must be done in tandem.

Yes I also definitely think that developing an internal "safe place" and ability to recognize and trust when the same comes from an external source later in life relies on having at least one loving and responsible caretaker early on. I know I had that in my father, with whom I did not only have a special relationship as a young child but also as an adult, until his death. There were gaps in it but I guess that's only normal in relationships.

I also agree that it may be much harder to develop this later as an adult. If for nothing else, because it's early life, up to mid-20's, when our brains are actively developing and are most plastic and receptive to whatever affect it, including lack of positive influences.

The best example from my own life is how I relate to men vs women in general, as an adult. I've had numerous great, trusting, close relationships with men and have no issues finding good men in my life. I think my last T was only one - I chose him very consciously based on these old patterns and surprise surprise, it worked. Much more difficult with women - not just that I have a tendency to avoid/distrust close relationships with females but also did not have many good experiences in the ones I chose to pursue... from childhood until more recent years, my early 40's! More balanced now but still there is this huge bias. Needless to say it has a lot to do with not having much of a connection with my mom in the past and how I detached myself even from what I could have had, due to her being a negative influence early on. So many of my relationships with males tend to be very fulfilling, whereas with women it tends to be a lot of work on both sides (also theirs, because of my resistance and avoidance).

It might be that the process of internalizing a sense of self-worth and the reliability of another must be done in tandem.

I think this is a great point. If for nothing else, because if we do not trust ourselves and do not have a sense of self-worth, it is hard not to project that onto others and then doubt the whole construct.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

I don't, but isn't this in part what people get "transitional objects" for, something with personal meaning that can be seen and touched? Have you considered/tried that?

I have a few objects T has given me, and they are very special. I think my problem is that I expect too much from T. She said she loves me and will feel that way forever. I email her how wonderful I feel after that session and she doesn't reply right away. I have to remind her. She emails and apologizes, and writes that she's glad I feel wonderful. In my email I asked if at some level she feels good that I love her. She didn't answer that part.

I wanted her to agree that it was special to share love. Instead, I feel a little foolish. I know she will probably say otherwise, but it deflates my good feeling when she doesn't respond the way she did in the session. I felt her email wasn't sincere. I wish she would have said something like "yes, we shared something special in the session. I felt it too." I know I'm expecting too much from T. She's not the best writer but sometimes she gets it right. I need to pay attention to her feelings, not her words in an email.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I email her how wonderful I feel after that session and she doesn't reply right away. I have to remind her. She emails and apologizes, and writes that she's glad I feel wonderful. In my email I asked if at some level she feels good that I love her. She didn't answer that part.

I wanted her to agree that it was special to share love. Instead, I feel a little foolish. I know she will probably say otherwise, but it deflates my good feeling when she doesn't respond the way she did in the session. I felt her email wasn't sincere. I wish she would have said something like "yes, we shared something special in the session. I felt it too." I know I'm expecting too much from T. She's not the best writer but sometimes she gets it right. I need to pay attention to her feelings, not her words in an email.

Have you considered the possibility that you are expecting unconditional love from someone you internally put a lot of conditions on?

My husband used to do that to me. He would read things into what I said or did (or didn't say or didn't do) (or did differently than he wanted or thought I should), and it kept him in a state of anxiety about our relationship . . . and it drove me up the wall. He finally realized if he just took a deep breath and accepted what I had to offer as coming genuinely from me, that he couldn't force me to act the way he wanted or behave in a way that was anything other than myself, then everything he was looking for was already there. All of his analyzing and picking apart of my every action and word didn't give me nearly the credit I deserved, and it only served to feed his anxieties.

Just breathe. Be accepting that you have a very attentive and caring therapist who loves who you are. Be accepting of what she offers you rather than picking it apart so that it loses its value for you. Raise up what she does do, recognize how fortunate you are to have such a caring therapist; breathe in her caring and accept her for who she is. Remind yourself to do that each and every time you start a thought about her with the words "I wish she would have . . ."

[ScarletPimpernel]

This is why I try my best to think of my T as a professional. Then I actually value everything she does for me. I mean, would my dentist or doctor give me a transitional object? Allow emails? In your case, say she loves you?

You expect way too much of your T. You've put her too high on a pedestal, expecting perfection, so of course she's going to fail you. Do you want her to fail you? To be like everyone else? Or do you think it's time to accept your T for who she is, flaws and all. She does accept you flaws and all...

[Parva]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Why does that feeling have to come from your therapist? What about your family and friends? Your therapist is a nice woman, but she is a temporary fixture in your life. Perhaps the reality of that is rightfully part of the problem.

Because for most people with severe attachment issues, family is not a source of support or comfort. And since we didn't 'learn' how to accept or feel support or comfort as kids, it's impossible to feel that from friends. Like asking someone to speak Latin. The T and therapeutic process is partly about using the therapeutic relationship to re-learn attachment, i.e., how it feels when it's there, trust, etc...

Originally Posted by Parva

Because for most people with severe attachment issues, family is not a source of support or comfort. And since we didn't 'learn' how to accept or feel support or comfort as kids, it's impossible to feel that from friends. Like asking someone to speak Latin. The T and therapeutic process is partly about using the therapeutic relationship to re-learn attachment, i.e., how it feels when it's there, trust, etc...

I realize that. It was a rhetorical question -- a question meant for thought and introspection.

[thesnowqueen]

Budfox posted this article on another thread and I thought it may be relevant here too:

http://www.billcloke.com/writing-sam...s/#development

In my own personal case I know that when I start to doubt whether my idealized other cares about me, it actually does begin with a flash of shame. Suppose an email was not answered, or something that I believed I was entitled to was not given, or I simply remember something that wasn't done that I believe should have been done: I actually feel shame. The feeling of shame is accompanied by this thought: He did not consider me important/worthy enough to do it.' And really I have been (as the article says) fairly unconscious of the way this shame translates immediately to rage. In any case - I thought others here might find this relevant.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by satsuma

I did used to have this problem. T and I wrote a flashcard together about it. The flashcard says "Right now I am feeling like T doesn't care about me, but there is lots of evidence that he does" and then goes on with all the evidence. Also T suggested I record the sessions and listen to them later. Finally, we were able to text and email,and sometimes speak if necessary, between sessions. All these things were helpful and gradually I was able to "hold on" to the good feelings and learnt to trust. I've noticed that it has transferred across the rest of my life as well. I'm more able to trust friends and I don't any longer think that if one small thing goes wrong it means someone hates me or doesn't care. So it was really really good and helpful thing to learn.

Thank you, satsuma. That's my attitude often. "If one small thing goes wrong, it means someone doesn't care." I have to stop thinking that way because it's not true. That's an example of how CBT can help change my twisted thinking.

Originally Posted by Luce

I don't. They come and go. That's what feelings do.

It has helped me to develop trust that they will come back. Trust that the feeling of love exists even when it isn't experienced. When you look back over the entirety of your relationship you wil be able to see that the feelings have always come, and always gone. Because that is what feelings do. No feeling stays all the time. Ever.
But every time the feeling has faded and anger or disconnection or insecurity has taken its place, that feeling too has only been temporary, and the feeling of love has always,, always returned.
The thread of love runs through everything. Your T has always held you in love. She always will.
Even when the feeling of love fades and another temporarily stands in its place.

What a beautiful post, Luce. You're right. Feelings change but the love is always there. I have to remember that when my mood plummets so quickly!! Thank you.

Originally Posted by Argonautomobile

I think this flashcard is a nice idea. I like to journal after session, and go back and read it if I'm feeling down about the therapeutic relationship.

I should try to journal more. Thanks.

Originally Posted by Elio

Rainbow, I struggle with this. I often journal about a good feeling and hoping I can hold onto it. Or some how tap back into it in a time of need. I'm not there yet. I do feel lots of things shifting for me in my relationship with my t and maybe part of that is learning these things.

Thank you, Satsuma and Luce for your comments. I am glad to hear that this is something that can be learnt as well as another way to look at it.

Lolagrace - I too see my t in my life for the rest of my life in some form or another. And yes, I hope to learn how to translate the ability to other relationships, I think learning to have it with t is the safest place to learn it.

Thank you, Elio. I feel like you do about contact with T for as long as she is available.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Elio, thank you for validating my feelings.

Originally Posted by thesnowqueen

I've been told a few times that I have this issue - that I can't internalize/hold the good in a relationship. Really I'm a bit unsure of it. It first happened with an authority figure who I idealized but who treated me quite badly (not abusively). My mental state deteriorated and I went into a psychotic depression. Eventually he realized what had happened and would then - on occasion have these long conversations with me. While I was speaking to him (at these times) I would feel cared for, respected, etc. However these conversations would be had maybe once a month or even less as he had many other duties. Meanwhile he actually still did some things which were pretty incontrovertible signs that he did not care all that much for me. Between conversations I would then go into a spiral of doubt and upset and end up back at the beginning.

Some years later the same thing happened with a T. When I saw him I was sure he cared about me, etc etc. But in between sessions I would go into an agony of doubt and sheer misery. I would recall emails he hadn't replied to, etc etc. I saw him 8 years and he passed away last year. My worst episodes are still when I think he didn't/couldn't have cared about me.

This isn't a feature of all my relationships - I am pretty insecure, but it doesn't generally have this intensity. I also haven't found the psychoanalytical theory that as an infant I was not able to internalize the good... to be very helpful, or to have that much explanatory value. It could be that I just don't understand the theory well enough. I remember it being tied up with object constancy?

Thanks for sharing, snowqueen. I understand about that spiral of doubt. I know my T cares, but I don't believe she cares enough to satisfy me. I always spoil the good feelings somehow. T didn't say she loves me in the email though she signed it "Love T" so immediately I question her sincerity. That's craziness and I know it.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I do my best to hold onto the caring feelings, but it's hard. It's one of the reasons I email my T weekly: just to reinforce the feelings. She always encourages me and reassures me. When we go to monthly sessions, I will get a letter and a transitional object from her. Those will also help me hold onto those feelings.

I'm the same way with my fiance. Luckily, he's okay with all the reassuring. We have a ritual of how we say goodnight, we always cuddle before bed, and we're always giving hugs. I think he likes all the reassuring too.

Thanks, Scarlet. I think I'm lacking that reassurance. I never had it with my husband. I think I did with my parents, though. I want it from my T all the time.

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Would be possible to hold onto more complex memories of events, including environment, atmosphere, conversation topic etc, instead of the other person, their expressions and the interpersonal exchange in a more isolated way? I am just speculating since I don't have this problem, so was trying to think what and how I internalize. I think for me it's these complex impressions, including my own positive feelings in the moment, the larger picture rather than just the interpersonal domain. This way the memories are complex and the different elements can trigger recall of one-another in powerful ways... it never feels isolated or as though it happened outside of me. It's automatic, I never learned it consciously, but I wonder if it could be learned, similarly to a meditative practice or something? Really not sure it makes sense to others or if it could be helpful but I wanted to try to describe it because I really rarely felt loneliness in my life. I did when I was very depressed and cut off from these internal mechanisms and connection from the rest of the world. It is rarely specific to one person for me, including back in my childhood, I think, although there were some outstanding positive influences.

I don't think it's about object constancy per se either, especially for adults. Probably more that some people develop an inner source and soothing mechanism (of course I do believe it's heavily influenced by caretakers in early life), which does not necessarily require interpersonal interaction and reassurance once it's set. I believe that if this is not developed fully or becomes damaged due to mental illness, intense stress etc, then there are all these things of looking for love in all places outside but never quite feeling of finding or sustaining it. If this is true, I imagine it might be much more effective to work on creating this "inner place" or mechanism, the intrapsychic, rather than focusing on the interpersonal too much and hoping it will ever provide that powerful nurture.

Thank you. That sounds like what my T is trying to do, create an inner place where I can soothe myself and provide my own sense of love. I have never felt I have a place like that although I am gaining the ability to do a lot of things I never did in my entire life.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I have trouble with this, too, both with T and marriage counselors and with other relationships in my life.

SnowQueen, you might have been thinking of Object Relations theory? I've read up some on that because apparently it's one of MC's favorites. He'll often talk about stuff I'm feeling/ways I'm reacting now as coming from messages I got from my parents in childhood.

Here's some info on it: Object Relations

My first T used object relations theory with me though she didn't explain it much.

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

Have you talked with her about the difficulty you have holding onto her loving feelings? Because it's really important to discuss it with her.

I last saw my wonderful therapist almost 20 years ago (I was in therapy with him for over six years) and I still feel the love and caring he had for me. It still helps me get through some rough times.

Thanks, *Laurie*. I know we've talked about my good feelings not lasting, but I don't know if it was ever in regard to her loving feelings towards me.

Originally Posted by thesnowqueen

It may be that setting that mechanism of self-regulation involves internalizing some kind of reliable, loving and responsive caregiver. I'm guessing the theory involves positing an essential connection between the interpersonal and the intrapsychic. I'm thinking that it might also be difficult to internalize the 'good caretaker' later, just because the sense of oneself as unlovable or unworthy may be quite fixed and so any interaction that suggests otherwise may be interpreted as suspect, if not outright betrayal.

For me personally, I think the ability to self-regulate is particularly inhibited in situations in which I doubt the authenticity of the care given to me by a person I have idealized. But there is also something close to a compulsion to doubt it. It might be that the process of internalizing a sense of self-worth and the reliability of another must be done in tandem.

Interesting comments, the Snow Queen.

Originally Posted by Xynesthesia

Yes I also definitely think that developing an internal "safe place" and ability to recognize and trust when the same comes from an external source later in life relies on having at least one loving and responsible caretaker early on. I know I had that in my father, with whom I did not only have a special relationship as a young child but also as an adult, until his death. There were gaps in it but I guess that's only normal in relationships.

I also agree that it may be much harder to develop this later as an adult. If for nothing else, because it's early life, up to mid-20's, when our brains are actively developing and are most plastic and receptive to whatever affect it, including lack of positive influences.

The best example from my own life is how I relate to men vs women in general, as an adult. I've had numerous great, trusting, close relationships with men and have no issues finding good men in my life. I think my last T was only one - I chose him very consciously based on these old patterns and surprise surprise, it worked. Much more difficult with women - not just that I have a tendency to avoid/distrust close relationships with females but also did not have many good experiences in the ones I chose to pursue... from childhood until more recent years, my early 40's! More balanced now but still there is this huge bias. Needless to say it has a lot to do with not having much of a connection with my mom in the past and how I detached myself even from what I could have had, due to her being a negative influence early on. So many of my relationships with males tend to be very fulfilling, whereas with women it tends to be a lot of work on both sides (also theirs, because of my resistance and avoidance).


I think this is a great point. If for nothing else, because if we do not trust ourselves and do not have a sense of self-worth, it is hard not to project that onto others and then doubt the whole construct.

Thanks for sharing. I am obviously lacking some connection with my parents though I have no doubt they loved me very much. My T believes it also.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I have a few objects T has given me, and they are very special. I think my problem is that I expect too much from T. She said she loves me and will feel that way forever. I email her how wonderful I feel after that session and she doesn't reply right away. I have to remind her. She emails and apologizes, and writes that she's glad I feel wonderful. In my email I asked if at some level she feels good that I love her. She didn't answer that part.

I wanted her to agree that it was special to share love. Instead, I feel a little foolish. I know she will probably say otherwise, but it deflates my good feeling when she doesn't respond the way she did in the session. I felt her email wasn't sincere. I wish she would have said something like "yes, we shared something special in the session. I felt it too." I know I'm expecting too much from T. She's not the best writer but sometimes she gets it right. I need to pay attention to her feelings, not her words in an email.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Have you considered the possibility that you are expecting unconditional love from someone you internally put a lot of conditions on?

My husband used to do that to me. He would read things into what I said or did (or didn't say or didn't do) (or did differently than he wanted or thought I should), and it kept him in a state of anxiety about our relationship . . . and it drove me up the wall. He finally realized if he just took a deep breath and accepted what I had to offer as coming genuinely from me, that he couldn't force me to act the way he wanted or behave in a way that was anything other than myself, then everything he was looking for was already there. All of his analyzing and picking apart of my every action and word didn't give me nearly the credit I deserved, and it only served to feed his anxieties.

Just breathe. Be accepting that you have a very attentive and caring therapist who loves who you are. Be accepting of what she offers you rather than picking it apart so that it loses its value for you. Raise up what she does do, recognize how fortunate you are to have such a caring therapist; breathe in her caring and accept her for who she is. Remind yourself to do that each and every time you start a thought about her with the words "I wish she would have . . ."

Thanks. I wish I could do what you suggest. It's not easy. My mood changes so quickly!

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

This is why I try my best to think of my T as a professional. Then I actually value everything she does for me. I mean, would my dentist or doctor give me a transitional object? Allow emails? In your case, say she loves you?

You expect way too much of your T. You've put her too high on a pedestal, expecting perfection, so of course she's going to fail you. Do you want her to fail you? To be like everyone else? Or do you think it's time to accept your T for who she is, flaws and all. She does accept you flaws and all...

I've been trying to accept my T as she is, which is pretty good! She's not like my dentist to me, though. After 7 years, she's much more than that! I think my ability to not need excessive contact between sessions shows a lot of progress. I have others in my life besides T. She's my rock, though.

Originally Posted by Parva

Because for most people with severe attachment issues, family is not a source of support or comfort. And since we didn't 'learn' how to accept or feel support or comfort as kids, it's impossible to feel that from friends. Like asking someone to speak Latin. The T and therapeutic process is partly about using the therapeutic relationship to re-learn attachment, i.e., how it feels when it's there, trust, etc...

That makes sense to me, Parva. Thank you.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by thesnowqueen

Budfox posted this article on another thread and I thought it may be relevant here too:

http://www.billcloke.com/writing-sam...s/#development

In my own personal case I know that when I start to doubt whether my idealized other cares about me, it actually does begin with a flash of shame. Suppose an email was not answered, or something that I believed I was entitled to was not given, or I simply remember something that wasn't done that I believe should have been done: I actually feel shame. The feeling of shame is accompanied by this thought: He did not consider me important/worthy enough to do it.' And really I have been (as the article says) fairly unconscious of the way this shame translates immediately to rage. In any case - I thought others here might find this relevant.

I don't call it shame, but I often feel ",if I were important enough, you would tell me." In regards to T and others in my life too. I haven't read the article yet, but thank you.