Accepting that a T can't give you what you need

I'm going to have to say goodbye to a T I have felt so much closeness and comfort with, but who is no longer giving me some fundamentals I need.

Recap: we had a big rupture at the end of last year that I thought was resolved, around him being consistent and him doing some specific things that really scare me, and that he knew scared me. It was like he just forgot. We talked it through really constructively, and came to a place of mutual understanding. One of the things that was hardest for me, was that he felt very disconnected from me emotionally. He said that wasn't the case, though he did acknowledge changing the way we were doing therapy to a more practical, rather than emotional focus.

Now, it feels like everything has changed, even though he says it hasn't, and he tells me he is still 'standing still' for me. He still feels distant and not connected to me. He ignored an email last month when I shared something with him about the event...on a trauma anniversary date. I wanted to show him how I feel, and this link did that. He didn't acknowledge it at the time, didn't mention it next session.

A month has gone by. A few days ago I got up the courage to email to tell him I was struggling to come back because of still feeling so disconnected and conflicted. In the past (I have been seeing him for 18 months or so) he would respond to my (very few) emails immediately or same day. Now, I don't hear from him for days and days and days. If I hear from him at all. It's not that I'm emailing too much, and it's not that he wasn't OK with the ones I did send I the past. We talked about those openly. He's changed. It's changed.

One of the most fundamental things I need to be able to even do therapy, is consistency. He was great for about a year, but then it was like he forgot that, and seemed to be all over the place in demeanour, with suggestions, and therapeutic approach.

I feel very, very, very sad - I am losing what was the only place in my life I truly felt safe, and the only person in my life I felt truly connected to. But I can't deal with the comings and goings, and I don't understand why he has changed towards me. Even though he says he hasn't - he says I am 'experiencing' him differently. I have had a very bad T experience in the past, and I know I shouldn't take this to that place, but I feel like I have broken another T.

At the very least, I feel like I accidentally blew up something that meant so much to me, and I still don't know (despite asking and asking and asking him - I need to KNOW so I can FIX whatever I am doing) what I have done wrong.

I've changed my email settings to send any response from him straight to junk: I am scared if he does email back and offer an appt time (which I asked for) I will be tempted to go back there. And I don't think it's in my best interests.

But there's so much sadness. And so much loss. And it really, really, really hurts.

I'm really sorry you are going through such a difficult time.
If your T's perception is that he hasn't changed, did he offer an explanation about why he didn't reply to your email? I suppose it's possible that it wasn't a deliberate decision not to reply.
I understand what you're saying about consistency. It's really important to me too, and I had a big rupture with T a couple of years ago for that reason. We repaired it, when T said that consistency is very important to me and that he had temporarily lost sight of that. It took a while to get the trust back.
I hope you take care of yourself, and sorry that this is such a difficult time.

I think you are very stong, you are aware what your needs are and able to set boundaries (like not answering his emails). That's not easy to do at all after such a long time.
I understand that you'd like to have some answers on what was the reason this ended up the way it did, and you might get some answers, but I think it does not necessarily mean that you "did something wrong". Sure, it's helpful to understand the pattern if there is one, but sometimes connections just naturally fall apart and go in different directions. But the pain is still there, I understand.

I came to the conclusion that both of my first two T's couldn't give me what I needed. I so wanted to believe that they were competent T's and that if I carried on trying to talk to them that we would work things out. I think I made the right decision to quit seeing them. It was very painful at the time though, and so hard to make that decision. I managed to do a positive ending of sorts with the first one, and she left her door open for me to return. I didn't do this with the second one, and I think that the pain of the ending will stay with me more because of this.

I finally accepted that my last T couldn't give me what I needed several months after I stopped seeing her, after processing a lot on my own and with the help of posting here on PC.

For several months before the therapy ended, I had been feeling that she couldn't understand or "see" me but still felt that she "should" and I kept trying. So I did, while getting very, very frustrated.

But I never articulated that I felt unseen because that was a trauma from my past that was still unconscious and defended -against.

Eventually, after processing the feeling of rejection by my T for several months, I became aware of the connection with how I had felt unseen and rejected by females in my family of origin. I then experienced a profound depression for several days and am still recovering even though that was several weeks ago.

Don't know if this will help or not. I've had several communications with my last T since then and I still don't think she "gets" or can, because of her own issues -- very possibly with feeling unaccepted by her mother. I know a little about that but not many specifics.

I understand that the specifics with your T are different, but there may be something about accepting that the T can't provide what we still "need" because we didn't get it in the past that may be similar. Maybe you can discuss that, maybe you can't. But the underlying experience from my past was still something that no one here in the present could really help with, except that communicating and interacting with people in the present helped to make it clear that the other situation was in the past. Still very, very sad, though.

Thanks for the kind words. I didn't bring up the lack of response to the anniversary day email, not have I followed up this latest one. I'm very careful to not be too demanding or needy, I already feel bad enough about creating the rupture mess, when really, he thought (and said) things were fine. Oh, he was all 'thanks for telling me how you're experiencing me' and encouraging about the dialog, but I feel like he really didn't think it had anything to do with him.

Thanks, subtle: I don't feel very strong, I'd backtrack in a heartbeat if he walked in the room. I have a really long history of getting attached to people who let me down and then not wanting to face that they are not who they said they were, or refusing to see the evidence in front of me

I would love to be able to talk it over with him, which was sort of what I was doing with the email. I feel really hurt that he has chosen to leave it hanging, whether deliberately or as an oversight, and I am scared if I went back I'd stuff the hurt down and make it all my problem, just to keep access to whatever scraps of kindness and caring might turn up. Theoretically I know I should walk away from these people who have no real regard or respect for me, but in reality I get ridiculously attached to them. You were very brave in the way you managed things. I don't feel like I have enough clarity or strength to follow through and still be able to protect myself (from myself, at that point...I'd be the only person keeping myself there)

Thanks, Heretoday. What you say is really thought provoking: am I looking for something that is impossible for anyone to fulfil, given that the boat has sailed? I don't know...it's definitely worth pondering.

Are you sure he received the anniversary email? I've had times where I've either sent or been sent something and it's gone missing or into a spam folder etc, even when other stuff to or from the same address was ok. If he usually would reply and now he doesn't, and you have examples of that I would have spoken to him about it before deciding to leave a process that has been working well for me.

You spoke of stuffing the hurt down to try and retain what kindness you can get from him bit therapy is exactly the place to try not doing that, to be open and clear about what you need and what you see has changed. I very much doubt you've broken either of your therapists but difficult interactions can leave you feeling you've done something wrong. I wonder if either he's not receiving your emails or if something is happening in his personal life that is taking time and emotion away from him work.

You're well within your rights to walk away if that's what you feel is right for you but I know I'd try to speak to him beforehand in case wires were crossed.

Sounds hurtful that he didn't respond to your email. I imagine he would be willing to discuss the email in session? Either way, he could have acknowledged it.

The bolded part above-he can't say he hasn't changed when he did change the therapy approach. Sure, as a person, he hasn't changed. But he did change his behaviors. I think that can be confusing!

My therapist has said similar things-that he hasn't changed despite my experiencing him as changing; it also seemed to be related to his therapy approach. In my case, I think when I go deeper with emotional exploration, it feels like I am more connected to him as the transference is stronger, which amplifies attachment feelings from early childhood years.

Do you think there's a chance you could repair this relationship or are you 100% decided?

I hope you are able to make the right choice for yourself.

If you expressing your needs or hurts caused the relationship to derail, then it's on HIM not you. Are you supposed to walk on eggshells for fear of pushing him away? That would be ridiculous. The client is supposed to bring their freaking needs out in the open. One therapist I went to suggested that as a client your job is to ask for what you need, period.

Sounds like he just doesn't care, and maybe even is a bit of an a-hole, though I could be wrong.

Being in a relationship where you care more than the other person, and you are paying, that is just plain horrible in my experience.

ps: I'm confused, do you have multiple accounts?

*Trigger warning*

I don't think him not receiving the email is what's going on. I made the mistake of telling him I wanted to be held by him, at the end of last year. Then I started having these intrusive images of me...'servicing' him. Best way I can think of to put it. He decided that we were too close for me, and that the images meant I felt violated by him. I think he is deliberately creating distance. Which I could handle if we had regular sessions, but I haven't seen him for a month & my email said really clearly I was struggling and conflicted and reaching out to try to reconnect. I am so afraid of being too much and demanding too much, I don't think I can push about the emails. I feel like I have done nothing but raise isssues with him for the past 6 mths.

Thanks, Skies. It feels like life and death for me right now. I have really bad PTSD, I can't go home because of what happened there, but I can't live up in the air forever, either. And he feels Like the only comfort I can find. It's ridiculous, because I have a very loving, very safe, very caring husband who would be that safe place in a heartbeat. But I can't let him in.

I feel like I would put up with anything from T, because as warped and sick and wrong as it is, he is all I feel I have. And I don't know how to stay tethered to the planet if I don't have him.

I know all this sounds crazy. I am starting to realise just how bad a shape I am in, and that whatever I am doing to stay sane and functional just isn't enough. I need some pretty heavy duty help right now.

I am confused...who is the OP here? longingforhome or slowandgentle?

Hi Bud, I'll PM you about the accounts if OK.

I know that theoreticallywhat you say re my rights applies to most people, but I don't feel I have them. Maybe he really doesn't care. It sort of doesn't matter to me, really. I just wish he would act like it so I can have my safe place back delusional as that is.

*Trigger warning*

So because the process or the nature of the relationship or something in his behavior or demeanor has provoked these intrusive images and needs, he is punishing you by distancing himself? And after you took the risk of disclosing this? Isn't that a profound betrayal?

I disclosed some risky and painful things to my former therapist, along the same lines, and she also withdrew emotionally for a while, then eventually got rid of me. I felt i had had been violated and used. Was like emotional r*p*. People start shrieking and pulling at their hair if you poison the sanctity of therapy with such talk, but it's the truth. The experience of being coaxed into these intimate disclosures, then subtly shamed or punished for not saying just the right thing, then abandoned -- whether literally or emotionally -- is pretty dangerous. The power dynamics make it so. Was very perverse.

Some therapists are dumb as a post. If you're gonna pull this stuff out of people you'd better be prepared for the result.

I think this is an EXCELLENT subject and post, but I agree, I couldn't keep tabs on who the original poster was....looks like both! LOL