[lauren_helene]

So much has happened the last few weeks in therapy between T and I. We were so connected but that is long gone in my eyes.

I just see T now as another one of the men in my life who has abandoned me. For weeks, I've been trying to regain our connection but its not there. I don't feel like he is there for me anymore. I did see him twice this week but felt like I had to beg for it. Opening comment tonight was 'I feel like I just saw you'...whatever and of course yesterday's famous 'Oh, you're coming back tomorrow'.

Tonight went just as badly. He made a wonderful comment referencing his lack of understanding of how I can be Italian and not like to cook. He knows this is argument #1 between me and my husband. I can sit here and make a list of the things I have going on in my life right now but why bother.

Also, he knows that this is my dad, brother and husband's number one complaint about me. He actually said 'I guess your dad would like me' or something like that...this is such a sensitive subject for me and he knows this. He really hurt me tonight and he knows that I am not doing well emotionally.

This is my fault. I've let T get too close to me emotionally. I've made myself vulnerable to him which means that I care about what he thinks about me or what he says to me.

I've also trusted him and believed that he truly cared about me and that was my very first mistake.

I am in such bad shape tonight I can barely function. How could he do this to me?

I literally have no one I can trust anymore. My father comes here in two days and I'm praying I don't wake up tomorrow.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't be posting

[Fuzzybear]

[sunrise]

(((((((almedafan)))))))

Let me see if I understand. You don't like to cook. Your father, brother, and husband hold this against you bigtime. It is their number one complaint against you. Almedafan, this boggles my mind. Of all the insignicant things to not like about a person, they choose cooking???? I hope you won't take offense if I say that these guys are totally messed up? OK, that is just plain strange. I know tons of people who don't like to cook. Big deal. And I don't try to correlate it with their ethnicity. All I can say is you must be pretty amazing and perfect if the worst they can find to not like about you is your dislike of cooking.

I am sorry things are not going well with your T. Do you think things will improve? I hope so, since I know you have shared much with him. But sometimes there comes a time when a T has outlived his usefulness to us and can no longer help in the way we need. Maybe the client outgrows the T. Maybe there is a rupture. I hope you can repair things, but if they don't get better, just remember, you are not stuck with him. You can leave whenever you want and seek care that will help you.

I am sorry you are so hurt and miserable. Please post again and let us know how you are doing.

[Mouse_]

Almeda, Those remarks from T would have hurt me too. I guess your only option is to tell him this and talk about it?

[lauren_helene]

I just don't know what to say about this anymore that I haven't said. I've worn myself and you all out on this subject.

Talk to T about it? Sure, we've been down that road...he said last night also that "wouldn't it be nice if I found someone like him, someone that 'got me'..."

How can he and I both see our relationship so differently? He used to 'get me'...now I feel like he uses what he knows to hurt me.

We were talking about how I do not believe that there is one person out there for me. I see myself alone or dating...I've never had a healthy relationship and I'm 37.

hey.
could you possibly...
show him your first post in this thread?
email it to him...
or print it out and send it to him...
or something like that.

it might be the case that...
while you are feeling all torn up inside...
that you are presenting as numb or something and that he really isn't understanding that you are feeling this way.
i know it can be really hard...
they should be able to notice...
they should be able to see...
but sometimes they just don't seem to.

i guess... if i was in your postition i'd take that to be his last chance. if you do that then you know that he knows how you feel about it. and if he can't say something soothing / sympathetic / apologetic about then... i'd be looking for someone else.

but.
please give him the chance to put this right.
because it might be... that he has a different ending fo ryou.

[MissCharlotte]

Hey Almeda,

I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. And right before your Dad comes, T's timing is pretty crummy. I would be upset too & definitely hurt.

Remember how separate from T I felt a few weeks ago? I'm beginning to realize that even if he doesn't get it exactly 100% of the time, that doesn't mean I have to hate him. (Well, not all the time anyway).

Do you think this might be an opportunity to work through those other relationships you discussed?

I hope you can bring these different perceptions of the relationship to his consciousness...

Take gentle care.

Maybe say to him, "I used to feel that you 'got me'.... what do you think changed?" Do you think he feels the same disconnect you are feeling? Perhaps hitting him with a direct question like that would provoke some sort of exploration of what's going on..... I hate that you are feeling so bad.

[purplemoon]

Alemda,

I am so sorry you are feeling so badly right now. Can you call T and tell him you feel abandoned by him? Tell him the differences in the way you see the relationship. Email him maybe. Does he feel the disconnect? When do you see him next? Hang in there.

[lauren_helene]

Hey girls, today my dad is here and things are alright so far. One might think "maybe" T would call to check on me...ha!

See, this is what I mean. He couldn't careless. He has told me that he is there for me and on my side when it comes to my family and he knows how hard this all is for me.

This is the final slap in the face. A therapist or how about just just any normal human being, that really cared about the well being of their client, or another person, would reach out once in awhile on their own and not make someone feel so rejected by having to ask for them to reach out. Then for T to make me feel rejected even lower, if that is possible to understand, by refusing to help me with additional sessions or make me feel bad and give me one reluctantly etc. this just feels awful to me.

I'm not sure how I'll handle Wednesday yet. Pink, I think I will go in and directly ask him about this rupture in our relationship and get his thoughts. My guess is that he'll say I'm interpreting him wrong and he has boundaries...

I am very hurt and wondering if I should just handle all this on my own. I'm doing that anyway aren't I? I certainly will never start over with someone else.

Maybe it is time to graduate...who knows...

[lauren_helene]

Sunny, the lack of consistent cooking is a huge issue. It is mainly because I am working full time, studying and let's face it, my emotional issues + ADD make it difficult for me to do much consistently.

I definitely provide for my son. I cook basics on Sundays. I'm just not the suzy homemaker type. I do like to bake though!! I started scrapbooking but can't keep up with it at the moment.

What hurts me about T is that he knows how sensitive this topic is and he's always thought that my husband should pick up the slack in this area and that my dad was kind of wacky for thinking this...now he changed his mind I guess???

That is what hurts.

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
alexandra_k said:
hey.
could you possibly...
show him your first post in this thread?
email it to him...
or print it out and send it to him...
or something like that.

it might be the case that...
while you are feeling all torn up inside...
that you are presenting as numb or something and that he really isn't understanding that you are feeling this way.
i know it can be really hard...
they should be able to notice...
they should be able to see...
but sometimes they just don't seem to.

i guess... if i was in your postition i'd take that to be his last chance. if you do that then you know that he knows how you feel about it. and if he can't say something soothing / sympathetic / apologetic about then... i'd be looking for someone else.

but.
please give him the chance to put this right.
because it might be... that he has a different ending fo ryou.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Your post is very thought provoking Alex. Had I read it when you posted it I might have typed something different. But today is the day my dad arrived and I didn't ask T to call and check on me but I kind of hoped he would...

I think I have my answer without even asking...but I will address the other stuff on Wed. thanks sweety

[lauren_helene]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sister said:
Hey Almeda,

I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. And right before your Dad comes, T's timing is pretty crummy. I would be upset too & definitely hurt.

Remember how separate from T I felt a few weeks ago? I'm beginning to realize that even if he doesn't get it exactly 100% of the time, that doesn't mean I have to hate him. (Well, not all the time anyway).

Do you think this might be an opportunity to work through those other relationships you discussed?

I hope you can bring these different perceptions of the relationship to his consciousness...

Take gentle care.



</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I do remember Sister and am glad that you and your T are working through it together! We were doing that too. Not too long ago, he was the closest person to me now he couldn't be farther away...

I've gone through a range of emotions over it from being scared, depressed, crying, reaching out to him, him rejecting me and how I am responding to his rejecting me...believe me he sees what is happening to me...he doesn't care.

Now it's come to this...and I feel so sad...

[Caramee]

I am so sorry he has not been an ally when you most needed one.

IMHO, it's the relationship that heals or hurts in therapy. This hits too much to some of my current therapy issues, so I'm afraid I'll react out of my own space if I write more -- just know I understand.

[lauren_helene]

Thanks Caramee.

This is so hard on me. I don't know if he is consciously backing off of me as part of my 'therapy' or if he just doesn't have it in him. I have tried to talk to him about this sort of thing before and it seems to take us farther apart...maybe it is my approach.

Maybe I'm not saying it to him in the vulnerable state that I feel it. I'll bet I say it more sarcastic or with an angry tint and which makes him feel bad??? He has talked about how I need to learn to talk to my husband from a more vulnerable state rather than an angry one...

I thought I was talking to T from a more vulnerable state though...he has said that I do but maybe when it comes to our relationship 'issues' I don't...I need to explore this more

Because right now, I feel like canceling Wednesday...if he doesn't care why should I? How did I get this point???

[Caramee]

I have often felt like I've tried to make the same point to my T about our therapeutic relationship issues a thousand different ways. The only thing I didn't do was draw pictures. And then he would say I hadn't asked for what I needed. I was much like you, thinking I needed to say it again with this emotion or in that state or on this day, etc. etc. But I started to question, at what point is it his job to probe behind whatever I was saying (or not saying) to get to the source of the problem? I felt like I always adapting to how he needed things done. I kind of thought I was just supposed to be "me" and he would help me sort out my needs and what my defenses were. It started to become too much like every other relationship I had in which I felt I was doing all the work, the analyzing, the adapting, and in the end, getting very little out of it.

Didn't you say your therapist was a CBT guy but you had been hoping for a more psychodynamically inclined therapist? (I may be remembering that incorrectly.) Anyway, there may just be limits to who he can be which is absolutely no reflection on you.

There is certainly nothing at all wrong with trying to tell him again and again what you need and how you feel. Try writing it, try recording it, try any way you can. Again here's a MY ISSUES ALERT: I received similar advice. It's sound and good advice and appropriate most of the time and in most situations in life. However, I believe there is a limit. How many times should you try to discuss the same issue without a satisfactory outcome? I tried for 4 years. I'm just now learning that I'm not going to ever get anything close to a good response. And 4 years are gone.

Just something to think about which is very tainted by my experience so take it with many, many grains of salt.

So, so sorry you're hurting.

[lauren_helene]

You are right Caramee. Someone on here recommended a book called negotiating the therapeutic alliance. I have it and read most of it.

There is a section about this and the therapist and client have a dialogue similar to what you and I are describing. The difference here though is the therapist continues to probe more about regarding why the client thinks the therapist means this or that...which mine isn't doing.

I sense defensiveness sometimes, hesitancy etc. Yes he is CBT but he said we've been doing psychodynamic...too.

What isn't good is I've been blaming myself all along for how I feel in our relationship. He has done nothing to make me feel any better about it only worse. Maybe I should tell him that...my fear is that he will say...you can go and see someone else

I'll fall apart completely...that is my number one fear...which is why I can't say it