In Session Today : Part III

LT, I don't get why T2 and MC want you to think about why you wouldn't want them to talk, as if that indicates a problem of some kind. I see it as a way to keep things less complicated, especially since you worry so much. It adds another layer of wondering if so and so is talking to so and so and what does each one say, and so on. They should each feel confident enough in their own work, and confident in you, that you can take what works for you from each of them.

SD this made me laugh out loud! And I think that's exactly what I would do, if my T ever asked me how listening to the mikado made me feel

Thanks, RR. I'm not sure if MC feels that way or not--he didn't bring it up in session or anything, even when I talked for a few minutes about T2 Monday. But it definitely sounds like T2 feels that way. I just feel like part of what complicated things for me with T1 and MC was that they worked together, and I'd given them permission to communicate about me (in retrospect, perhaps I should have revoked that permission once the whole transference thing started...). Granted, T2 used to work with MC (and for a bit with T1), but I'm generally OK with that, as he stressed the importance of the confidentiality aspect when I first asked him about whether it would be an issue that he knew him. But if I give them permission to talk about me...then that whole confidentiality thing goes out the window, right?

It was also a bit different with T1, as I'd been seeing her for maybe a year and a half, 2 years before we started seeing MC. So I already had lots of trust built up in her. So when she told me she'd only share things with him that I explicitly approved (like she'd ask me what was OK to share with him), I trusted that she'd keep my confidence. I've known T2 less than a month. I'm under the impression he's a good, ethical T, but I don't have that trust built up. Hopefully he'll understand that and my reasons for not wanting him to talk to MC (or T1)--at least, not right now. (I don't care if he talks to my p-doc, but he said he didn't think that was necessary.)

Made me laugh too.

Now I have "I've got a little list..." running through my head. Gah.

LT, I love your in session posts. They are so inspiring and I think your honesty encourages so many of us! Thanks for letting us be part of your journey.

Thanks, OceanBreeze! Nice to know people like reading my posts.

That feels a little off to me. Have you given MC permission to talk to T2? I thought therapists weren't allowed to even acknowledge that you are a client unless an ROI is signed.

One of the things I love most about my therapist is that she is unbiased - the only perspective she has of me is what I bring into our sessions. I think that in and of itself is sacred. I would suggest giving it more time with T2 before allowing MC and T1 to speak with him. Let him form his own thoughts about what you are bringing into your time with him first.

Agreed on that first part. I'm wondering if maybe it was more of a "hey, we should catch up soon!" (in general, not about me) that T2 used to transition to the thought of sharing information with MC. I mean, I guess he could have said "We should talk soon" without mentioning me, but that was the implication, but it was ethical because I wasn't specifically mentioned.

I am planning to hold off for a bit--like you said, I want him to form his own opinion of me first before being influenced by someone else's. I just hope he's willing to give me the chance...just worried because the last two times I e-mailed him, he wrote back within a couple hours. I'm just afraid I shared too much today and scared him off...(though we did schedule another session).

Session

After having had a really difficult session last week, I feel like I resolved a lot of what I was worried about, today. When T last week contrasted how he was feeling calm and I was feeling bad, I was worried because when I was seeing previousT, he used my feelings of being in pain against me, or so it felt. I felt pressured to quit with previous T and ended up taking a six week break. I thought I was doing the right thing, and that it was what previousT thought I should do, but when I came back, he used me "having" to take a break from therapy as a "good" reason that I needed to quit therapy. It felt so manipulative. He told me my neediness was "childish" and shamed me over and over. I feel so ashamed because I made myself so vulnerable, I thought that previousT would be proud of me for lasting six weeks on my own only to find out that I was building my own case to be abandoned. He used this against me. I thought I was doing what I should be doing and nothing I did mattered. Ironically, he didn't handle termination like an adult. He didn't just say, This is too much for me, therapy is over. Or some version of that. I feel like a part of me is "innocent" and I just wanted him to care, yes, child-like, and that he hated me being needy, and I really thought staying away from him during the break I took would make him like me, but it didn't. I think I tried to be good, I tried to be bad, and in between, I tried to stay away and the only time he liked this was when it was permanent. I get that previousT had his own issues and maybe, if a miracle happens, I will be able to feel compassion for him. But now this event is stuck in time and I can't get rid of it and it makes me feel like previousT still "controls" me ( I know this is my stuff, my issues).

As for last session, I was worried that because I knew I was having difficulty in therapy, and feeling bad in therapy, and I was so afraid the same thing would happen. But it didn't. T keeps showing me that he is consistent in the kind way he treats me and sometimes I have a difficult time fathoming that sooner or later he is going to see who I am and then will reject me.

I talked to T about how I think I am depending on him to erase my bad feelings about abandonment/need for reassurance, and I have started to get anxious and in pain in session because I'm so worried about when I leave therapy that I will be in agony like last week. I'm trying to do this on my own although it is an excruciating venture. I couldn't do this if I didn't trust my T.

I don't choose if I feel grounded/safe or ungrounded/unsafe or abandoned, etc. It is difficult to know how I will react at any given time to any given situation. I am trying to get some kind of handle on this elusive problem and it is a work in progress. My goal is to not text T and this is where I am now and might be for awhile. My brain hurts but I feel so much better after today's session.

Monday 10/2 session
I got to the office with 8 mins to spare, I switched pants (I’d already switched shirts before leaving work). I used the upstairs bathroom to change because it is much bigger and I wanted to change before you saw me. When I headed down, your previous client was coming up and through the door. We did the little dance at the door. I headed down making sure to catch the door from banging. I pushed the button and went into the waiting room 3 mins to go. A minute or so later you came out to get me. You were asking about my eyes. I told you that they were better today. You wanted to look at them, I said sure. You noted that they were not as bad as you thought they might be and that the left is redder than the right. Yeah, I reiterated that they are better and you said something about being glad I got the drops. I was in a good mood, were you surprised at how good my mood was? I think to some degree, I was/am surprised at how good my mood was.

I climbed onto the floor and said that I wanted to lay on the floor that it has felt good the last few times. I pulled out my blanket, I laid on my stomach, and used my blanket as a pillow. You sat down on the floor too. I told you it was warm in your office and you said that you didn’t know how the heat was controlled, that you’d look into it and thanked me. I said that it was warm but I just did a 30 min walk to get to you, so might just be me. I looked up at you and I said I love you. You said I know. I said I processed through stuff. You asked for more info – curious, want to know about me. I laughed and said that I was going to tell you and that it was a long story. Somewhere here in the beginning I told you that I had gaps of stuff from last session, you said it was ok.

I proceeded to tell you what I did from the moment leaving previous session until the bed. I didn’t look at you much while I told the story, off and on. When I told you that I went up to the store – that I thought about buying food, alcohol, about hurting myself but I was too something, that seemed too hard, too much work, not satisfying, … something. I was kind of in a daze. I told you that I went to the bathroom and cried there for a while before heading down to the train. I told you about some of my thoughts on the way to the train (mommy doesn’t love me, mommy loves art, but if mommy did these other things that showed love, why didn’t she do this one, saying no doesn’t mean mommy doesn’t love me.. and circling around). I told you that when I got to the train, I had 12 mins to wait, I texted wife about being late and hard session, then I went and stood by a building and cried some more. It seemed like you were being supportive (showing empathy) while I told you this. I said that I stopped crying before the train arrived and didn’t cry any more on the way home. I said that once I got home I put the bracelet and clip away and that is where they still are. I told you about interactions with wife, about her asking if I needed/wanting anything. My reply being that I wanted to go to bed and cry. I told you about our discussion around her being in bed, me crying, and her not comforting me. I asked wife if she could handle that and she said she didn’t know. That reminded me that wife needs me to be something different, something stronger. I told wife that I’d go down to the basement. She said I didn’t have to do that but she wouldn’t argue with me. I told you about me gathering up a blanket, pillow, and laptop, then headed to the basement. I explained how I laid out the blankets and laid down on the mat and cried until I was in a snobbery mess. You said that I let myself cry. Yeah, that's an understatement. Hmm let myself cry, I think it is more, can't prevent myself from crying level of sadness. There were no more thoughts at this time, just laying and crying. I told you how I got up and cleaned up, tried to journal and couldn't, the laid back down and cried myself to sleep. I told you that it didn't take long for me to fall asleep. You talked about emotional exhaustion. Yeah, that pretty much sums up where I was - like a little kid crying out the emotions.

I told you how wife came down and woke me up and she said that I looked like a little kid. You seemed to, I don't know, felt sad for me or... just felt sad at what I was describing. It was sad. I told you that I recognized that I was processing this at a young age, 3ish.

Then I told you about Friday morning/day and how talking with a friend helped a fair amount. I told you that the friend and I did a Webex. You didn't know what that was so I explained that it was a way to conference call and share screens. She wanted to talk about how I was doing but I was at work so I couldn't talk about that. I showed her this application (journaling application). I told you it was nice to hear her voice. I had to go, though, because work called.

She and I continued talking via chat. I shared with you her question, while I wasn't sure if it was a translation issue or not, her wording caused me to pause. I wanted to get the wording correctly so I pulled out my notes and read to you her question, "What do you hope to win from touch?" I explained how the word win in the question made me stop and think, what did I hope to win - win hmmm? I told you that I didn't really answer that question; however, I went on to answer other questions, including things that led me to think that maybe the time for this type of touch had passed (meaning really was wanted during the move) and with the new location, logistically it isn't as practical as the fantasy images seem.

I said that it was here that I started to wonder and worry if previously ok'd touch was still ok. Both the friend and I believed that was not the case; however, I started to spiral with the thoughts that I might have messed up what I had by asking for more/different. I didn't wait very long in this spiral before I emailed you. I got your response right before I left work. Your response telling me that previous touch was still ok and that the no applied only to recently discussed touch. I'm still not sure how precise you mean with that. I'm not going to ask at this time. I didn't think your email needed a reply and I was already running to head to personal training so I didn't reply to your reply. On the drive to personal training, I tried to put in place a rule to not ask for touch again. I want to put the rule in place because I don't want to mess up what I already have. Asking could result in you (others) taking things away, too selfish, not grateful. Hmmm secrecy is like this. If I don't tell others about something then they can't have it, they can't take it away from me - either physically or emotionally.

Somewhere in here you asked me about the feelings changing. I pulled out my journal and read to you, “I thought a lot about us (you and I) and the no. I thought that mommy loves me (sometimes you are mommy and sometimes not). I thought about how compassionate you were with me yesterday. You sat with me through that pain, you didn’t leave me alone, kick me out/send me away. I was able to feel the pain and the hurt, I was able to articulate parts of it. I was able to be with the pain and be soothed by your presence, your words, your empathy. Thank you. I guess thank you for the experience. As painful as it was, I think it is a big part of the work. Which really sucks, cuz it really sucked. And thank you for being there for me as I worked through it, being patient with me and my questions where ever they went.” You said, “you are welcome”.

I also told you that I think it was a good thing that I didn’t leave when I was angry because then I would have processed the pain and hurt alone and it would have been complicated by the anger. You laughed at you inadvertently keeping me there by holding onto the colored pencils – the misunderstanding that went on there. We didn’t linger on this. I hold no residual feelings about the colored pencils nor do I believe you did it on purpose. I think it was just good happenstance of things to occur for me to have the experience the way it played out. Painful yes, helpful yes.

Somewhere in here we also talked about my wording around saying that I wanted to feel loved. I said it was interesting wording. You questioned interesting how. I said that I didn’t say that I wanted you to love me. I said on the forum lots of people write about wanting their therapist to love them. In that moment, I wanted to feel loved. You asked me what the difference was, I said that you loving me was about how you felt, what was going on with you. Wanting to feel loved, is what is inside me. You brought up my metaphor of the light streams of love flowing over my net. How sometimes there can be a breach and I can feel it for a little while then something happens and the breach is sealed up. You said it was a powerful(?) image or something like that. You also said something about me being able to see it around me, knowing it is there, and not being able to feel it.

There’s also this other thing… you can show someone what they need to feel loved because of caring about them without loving them. I think there is a part of me that chooses this thinking because it allows you to provide things for me regardless if you love me or not. There’s a little to that concept. There is more around me just wanting to feel loved and that is all about what I am feeling in the situation/relationship.

Oh, that reminds me one of the things said last Thursday was sorry for wanting. You had asked once before if a no on something would lead me to thinking I was bad for wanting or asking. I guess I'm not completely past that yet. It didn't linger.

I moved us back to my Friday, I told you that it was a little weird going into personal training as it was my last day. You said yes, my last day and to tell you about it, or that you were curious or...?? I said personal trainer (PT) was great this week and let me pic what exercises I liked the best so I told her no squats, well some squats not the big heavy squats. For some reason the last several months I have got scared doing the squats. I wanted to do bench press. So we did that, and I benched 105 lbs x 4. I told you that I was back up to my max pre-surgery. That I had 105 x 1 then. I told you how after the bench press, I was looking out at the martial arts space and I saw the climbing rope. I told PT that I’ve never climbed a rope. She said let’s give it a try. No one else was at the gym so I said as long as no one shows up. I told you how I wasn’t successful at climbing the rope, PT thought it was because we had not worked those muscle groups much as letting things heal from surgery. We did this other thing with the rope and that worked out. I told you about how I started to play with the rings while PT went to get more equipment. I started out swinging and sliding my feet along the ground. On like the 3rd swing, PT came around the corner and saw me and laughed. I kept doing it while she laughed, getting more confident with each time until I picked my feet up and just swung. She said that we could make a pirate obstacle course for my workout and that is what we did. I explained the different exercises.

You said I played. I said that yeah. It was fun. I gave you the card that PT had given me. You asked me how I felt about getting it. I don’t remember exactly what I said here, sad…uncomfortable. Then I said, see I think she knows I won’t be back. You nodded. I took that as my intuition being accurate.

I’m a little unsure of the order here and how we transitioned to the next topic.

You said something about my pants and looking comfortable. I said I was, that I could go to sleep. I said they were PJ pants. I told you that I decided this morning that I want to wear this outfit and lay on my stomach and I didn’t care what you thought. I said that it was warm in the room (kind of unlike me to make that kind of comment). I told you about going through the clothing the night before to switch out winter and summer clothes. I said that I came across the shirt and thought I could wear it and feel like I was wearing daddy’s shirt since it was from when I was much heavier. Then I found the pants, that my mom bought me for Christmas the year I lost the weight before, long ago. I told you that I looked through all the things to bring to do/play with that would work with laying on the floor and thought about the puzzle. Then latter in the day I remembered my eyes and thought that you wouldn’t want to do the puzzle. You made a face contemplating it and started to say that it would be ok, that I probably wasn’t contagious and I said that I didn’t want you to get this. You said pink eye was very contagious, touch a surface. Yeah, don’t want you to get it. So next time with the puzzle. You wanted to know how big it was and I said about the same size as the other one. You made the comment about waiting for the glow in the dark part of the other puzzle. I said not much longer and it will be on a Thursday since my appointments are later on Thursdays.

I talked about an interact with a friend and how I started wondering if I share too much or the wrong stuff. You picked up on the too much terminology here as too much is a big repetitive thought for me. I clarified that maybe I shared too much for the type of relationship I have, too personal. I think I told you this, not sure though – I’m not sure why I suddenly started feeling like I was sharing too personal of information with this friend for the type of relationship we have. We’ve shared some secretes with each other. I think it was realizing some of the stuff that was shared, but also feeling like maybe I’ve let her more in than she’s let me in. I don’t know. It was a passing thought and it made me wonder about my difficulty in making friends and the rules.
I think there was something else here at the end or I’m out of order because I don’t think we ended with the walk talk. Our time was up. I sat up – I don’t remember if I put things away first or if we did end of session ritual first.
Me: I love you
You: I know
Me: I miss you
You: I know
Me: it’s different, not as painful

I went on to say that I am not sure I like that the answer was no [touch]. I said more here, I think I said that it wasn’t harmful, or that it was helpful/useful something along those lines. Then came the Thursday comment. I was time to go. I didn’t want to go. I wasn’t sad to go. I headed back to my work.

That was a very intense session. I began by telling R about the current state of my relationship with S and the message I received on Sunday, which indicates to me that she doesn’t know I have been informed about her leaving.

R guessed that I am feeling disappointed in S at the moment, and I ultimately said ‘I get this feeling of “If you are going to leave, then leave!”’ We talked more about how I feel uncomfortable reaching out because I feel as though I am intruding.
‘I have never been in this position before, where I feel like this is the only space...and it’s frightening.’
We then moved into talking about the post session experience. I told R that I felt a little weird and strange after our session last Thursday, which I then had to define as ‘Tired and more emotional than usual.’

From there, I talked about the pottery class meltdown, which R sees as a victory because I pushed myself and did something outside my comfort zone, even though I knew it would be difficult.

‘On Saturday, I had a relaxing day...nothing of consequence.’
‘Something came up for me then – what did you do?’
‘I gave myself the day to do nothing, and just relax.’
‘I call that self care.’

‘I do too.’ This was followed by a silence, during which R said ‘I can sense there is something you really want to get out.’ I nearly just blurted ‘Collage!’, but that would have been a non-sequitur.

‘Over the last couple of weeks, I have been doing an e-course with a focus on telling one’s story. It hasn’t come up in session before now because I was playing with other ways of expressing it.’

‘The week you couldn’t come was one of those “The Universe has a sense of humour!” moments, because I received your text, and then received the prompt ‘What I really want to tell you...’

‘And you took that as a sign and did this?’

‘When I was at uni, I hated it when they gave us collage exercises, because it takes me four times as long to do anything with a pair of scissors.’

‘So, you have a process – it’s not just an art exercise. Do you want to talk me through it, or should I just look?’

I said that it might be easier if she just looked, but if she had any questions....

“It is very powerful.” She noted that it goes into a lot of where we have gone in session, (‘And where we may be going!’) She pointed out the word ‘Giveaway’ and asked me to explain more about that. I explained how that related to receiving the photos in 2013, and then finding out that these people weren’t who they said they were.

‘I can’t imagine what a shock that must have been.’
‘Actually, it was more of a shock the second time it happened, when my friend said ‘Send me the links, I’ll do some research,’ and sent me a detailed list of every single image.’

We moved into talking about the nights, and I admitted that I wonder if it would be easier the other way around, because I can distract myself during the day. I mentioned static, and R pointed it out on the collage. ‘Good thing we left it open!’

‘It sounds relentless.’
‘I’m surprised that wasn’t on there!’
‘You said it was a work in progress...’

R then advised that we had about five minutes left, and she didn’t want to end abruptly.

My T hugged me. Now I'm not exactly a very huggy person and we only hugged once before I went on a long break. It's not something I need often although it does feel good when I actually do need it. Funny thing is that I was kind of down in session and actually thought to myself couple times that today I could use a hug and that this would be a good time for a second hug. I would never ask for it but he did initiate a hug right before I left. Do these people read minds??? Or just feel my neediness? Well it sure was a perfect moment

Warning: long!

MC today. Started with updates about our week that I won't go into here. MC said he thought of us when he was out to dinner the other night because they had beer on tap from a brewery that H and I frequent.

H looked at me, I was like, "What?" and he said he knew I had some stuff to discuss. I was like, "Well, it's mostly about me, so..." MC said, "Can I say something?" I said sure. He mentioned my text to him last week where I was upset, fearing how T2 would react to some stuff I'd said in session (I really opened up to him last week). And he said he knew I'd be worried about this later, how he wasn't saying that I couldn't text or e-mail him. But he didn't want to get in the way of my relationship with T2. I said I understood that, how I'd also contacted T2 and had talked to H, but was just really upset and scared after revealing so much to T2 in session.

MC said it was OK, but that developing the relationship with T2 and working through that stuff with him is important. I said I understood that but was unsure if he was the sort of T who was into working on the relationship. MC said he thought he could handle it. But that I should talk about those fears with him, as it was "grist for the mill."

I said how T2 had referred to him by his first name in the first two sessions, but then last week insisted on calling him "Dr. MC." And that I'd asked T2 about this in my e-mail, and he explained why he wants to go by Dr. T2 instead of his first name (won't go into that here). MC talked about that a little. Said how since some of his coworkers are master's-level (including T1), so he feels odd going by Dr. MC, then referring to them (like in a staff meeting or to other clients) by their first name.

I asked MC if he was bothered that sometimes I called him by his first name. He said no but that, given the choice, he'd prefer that I call him, "Dr. Tall" (he's short). T2 isn't short (they know each other), so I said, "Well...if I call you Dr. Tall, then I'll have to call T2 Dr. Taller!" MC laughed, then held out his fist to give me knuckles, saying, "OK, that was a good one."

I said how T2 wanted me to allow him and MC to communicate about me, but that I was reluctant (I'd have to give signed permission). MC asked why, and I said how I worried about sharing stuff with T2, then having him tell MC. That he'd said he could keep it confidential, but if I sign the form, then he wouldn't have to. MC said that just because he could share stuff doesn't mean he would. MC also said that he has been working with H and I for a while now and has a pretty good sense of each of us--and it's positive. So anything that T2 would share wouldn't really affect his image of me, if that's what I was worried about.

I said that no, it was more if I shared some stuff with him about the transference for MC, would T2 then turn around and share it with MC. Because if that was the case, I wouldn't feel I could be open with him. That I could trust T1 because I'd known her a couple years before starting to work with MC. But I've only known T2 for like a month, so it's hard to fully trust him. MC said to talk about that with him, about how I need time to build up trust.

I asked what sort of stuff MC would share with T2. He said it could be good for him to tell him basics about me, just general impressions, but also some other things, including sensitive areas and pitfalls to look out for (like the stuff I react to negatively). Because that could help him avoid some issues with me. I said he probably could have avoided one in his response to my e-mail if MC had talked to him first about why I tend to be freaked out about disclosing.

MC said the most important thing is for me to figure out if T2 is a good fit for me. I said the fact that I felt comfortable opening up to him last week said something about that. How I thought I needed someone different. That if I picked someone exactly like MC or T1, that probably wouldn't work. MC said he didn't know if T2 was a good fit for me, that he didn't know if he himself was a good fit for me either.

I said that maybe I was also worried about what he (MC) would tell T2 about me. How, yes, he can say he has a positive image of me...but that I also worry that he'd be like, "Run while you still can! If she attaches to you, you'll never get rid of her! Wait, you've given her your e-mail address and cell number? Well, you're stuck now!" MC said he thought this was about my own thoughts about myself. I said probably. That why wouldn't T2 just prefer to work with someone who needs help with their serve (he does sports psychology, too), someone easier. MC commented on my use of the word "easy," like why would I assume he'd want someone easy? And why do I assume that I'm so difficult? I forget what I said to that.

MC said that just because I struggle with some issues, like anxiety, it doesn't make me a bad person. He said I'm a good person and an intelligent person; I just struggle with some things. It felt good to hear him say that--he seemed really genuine in how he was saying it.

I said I also worried that, because I'd talked about attachment stuff and had offhandedly mentioned that T2 would think I was borderline. And that I know some T's don't like to work with borderline clients. That I didn't think I was, but...I didn't know.

MC said that when he was in grad school, he was reading through a questionnaire with different personality disorders. His roommate was reading over his shoulder and said, "Oh, I'm that one," indicating borderline. MC said that if he asked a bunch of their friends, they'd probably all agree that "Joe" was borderline. But that he just thought of him as "Joe," and he's his best friend. So that it's not about labels or diagnoses. He also gave another example to illustrate it from when he was first starting out as a psychologist and was trying to treat a diagnosis, not a person.

Part of me wonders if he does think I'm borderline...but then I also feel like he was trying to say that it wouldn't matter if he thought that--how I'm just LT, not a walking diagnosis.

We were over time by that point, so had to wrap up. MC gave a summary where he mostly seemed like he was trying to reassure me about what we'd talked about. Saying he knew I'd worry about it later. Did the usual handshake and "Good to see you." He said "Take care" as we were walking out, and I said "You too."

I think it was a good session. MC seemed really present with me, like I felt he was being genuine in what he was saying, like he really meant it. He used the super caring voice a couple times in there, too. I just felt very connected to him and like he understood.

Last Thursday's (10/5) session

Session:
I was running late again and jogged about 2/3rds of the way in a round about way. I somehow got messed up and ended up going to 20th so I had to back track that left me running even later so I grabbed a bus at rode it up the 2 stops. I got in with 2 mins to spare. You came out and got me and we went back. You went into the room first and went over to close your closet door, I followed and closed the door.

Hi
Hi
I told you that I didn’t have anything specific to talk about, I said that I brought the puzzle again. You asked if we should do it and said that you .. shoot I don't remember your phrasing, I found it cute; basically, said that you let your wants be known. I went on to tell you about feeling like I’ve lost myself again. I told you that my head was fuzzy, not much sticking; not making new memories; and hard to reach my memories. I told you that even the ones I go to that are usually easy are hard to get to, to see; the buildings, floor plans of the houses from my childhood, even current house. You said that maybe it was a form of peaceful quietness after the emotional sessions. I agreed that it seemed to be the pattern with the last times I felt this. I returned to the concept of the puzzle. You said you had some cardboard boxes, I said I didn’t think they would be big enough. You went to get one and I got up to move to the floor. You asked how big it needed to be. I said 11x18. You thought the box would make a little tabletop. I saw the shelves that were tucked away and suggested one of them. You agreed and I brought it over and put it down. I struggled to get the cover off the puzzle but finally did. As I was doing it I thought, “hmmmm at what point would handing it to you to do… in that mommy fix it way…,” and then I chuckled to myself in my head without finishing the thought. I kept working it until I got the cover off. I opened the box and handed you the bag with the pieces. You asked if there was any particular way to open the bag. I said no, that they provided a zip lock bag for storage. You said that was nice of the puzzle makers and proceeded to open the bag. It opened easily and right across the seam. You commented on easy/nice that was. I pulled out the larger picture of the puzzle that was in the box. I thought that was nice to have. You poured out the pieces and we started separating out the edges from the middle. Once sorted, I pulled out the corners and we started putting together the edges. We ran out of room and you suggested using another board, so I got it. I also moved a pile of the pieces off the board to make room. I don’t remember us talking much during this portion other than about the puzzle.

We started putting together the puzzle and I started talking about random things. Eventually I talked about not going to the gym and my routine being off. I commented about needing to find some way to be more consistent with my workouts. Something was said about things being settled between wife and I by time I would be ready to return to the gym. I said I wasn’t sure. You questioned my comment. I said that I just can’t seem to find the right place, the way wife wants them to be. I was thinking about a night earlier in the week when I had put together my dinner and was about to sit at the table and wife said we didn’t have to, that we could sit at our computers. I didn’t bring this up, I don’t even think I journaled about it.

I brought up a friends questions on if I have rules for her. We talked about how I treat different people differently but those don’t feel like rules, more like considerations. I talked about how I use patterns to create expectations of people, and that can sometimes not be a good thing. Again, decided that those were not rules. That both of these things were more around how the other person behaves and what they need. The rules are more about how I behave and usually how I behave to try to not get hurt. Rules come from when bad things happen or might happen.

We talked some about the puzzle, I told you that it was between this one and a dinosaur puzzle. I showed you a piece of the puzzle that had an alien on it, I said that was what sold me on this one. You made comments about him being cute. I genderized the alien as a him. You asked me what we should call him, give him a name. I said I don’t know.

Later with the puzzle, I made the comment that I might need to start looking at the picture. You responded by clarifying if I had not been looking at the picture. I said no, that I would look if I needed to know where to place big portions but not a single piece. One of us said something about me just looking at what I had in front of me. You said you were going to try that. You said that you liked that. Also, I talked about bringing a larger puzzle, maybe 250 pieces puzzle. I said that we only have time to get through a 100 piece puzzle, you said that we could save it for other day.

Somehow, I brought up the topic of how I felt sharing my journal and about being different. That even when I am complimented, I dislike being different or the differences being pointed out; it breaks the illusion that I fit in. I told you how I can feel like the spot light is on me, how alone I feel, separate, different, a freak, not normal, not part of the group. What I was thinking was even with that group of people, I am weird and different; not normal. Never part of the group. feelings. When the differences are not pointed out I can pretend not to see them; pretend that I am welcomed and wanted in the group. I guess I don’t feel like when it gets right down to it that I belong.

Between talking about the rules and talking about being different, I stopped doing the puzzle and tried to curl into myself. I didn’t want to be here, I didn’t want to think about the things that hurt me and lead me to create rules, I didn’t want to think about being different, of not belonging. After a few moments, I returned to doing the puzzle. I wondered if you noticed.

We’d finished the puzzle and talked about it staying at your office. I didn’t need it to stay. I said it wouldn’t fit on the shelf and it didn’t matter. You said it could go under the couch. I said something about you needing your selves. You said you didn’t need them right now. I said that then I wouldn’t have to carry the box home. You slid the puzzle under the couch and I put the box on the shelf next to the other one. We sat in the chairs. Why did you want it to stay? What was your thought process?

I said I had 2 more things to talk about, both around my surgeries. One being unsure about the hysterectomy. The other one was about how to discuss a delicate topic with the plastic surgeon.

Our time was up – over up.

Me: I love you
You: I know

I don’t remember if I said I’ll miss you.

Thank you and see you on Mondays. As I left and went to close the door, you moved away from the door. I don’t know if that was just in prep because you had someone after me or if it was in response to previous journal entry regarding the filing cabinet. You don’t have to move away from the door. I walked up the hallway and saw someone there, I was 3 mins into his time and gave you no time to transition. I’m sorry for that. I know it is not my responsibility. Still, I will try to be more mindful of our time. You have been very generous with your time. I hit midway of the stairs and you came out to get the person in the waiting room.

The first thing on the agenda was touch, because we are using touch more frequently and haven't discussed it in a while. When I brought it up he said "yes and you didn't ask last week". (because I looked at him pitifully last week as I was leaving and he smiled and hugged me).
I said yes, and that felt so good because it met a very young need, the need for attunement without needing to ask and it was very powerful. But I wasn't sure it served any therapeutic purpose for me because it was edging towards enactment of the fantasy of him as the father of a very young me. It didn't seem to be meeting any here-and-now needs, just ancient, essentially unmeetable needs. I said that hugs meet some here and now needs, such as grounding and safety in the relationship but no adult need is met by him hugging me without me asking because I can talk.
He said it felt like a fine line that we shouldn't treat heavy handedly and we agreed that we needed to keep talking about what felt right. My sense from that conversation is that he will wait for me to ask in future which is probably the right thing I think.
Then we talked about a dream I had. I had thought it was totally about me and him but as we discussed It, he linked it to my career and suddenly a lot of aspects of it made sense to me. It was really good and helpful.
In the dream he was teaching me about something and I told him i think this is because I see him as my teacher in many ways. He said that was really nice to hear. He said he learnt a lot from his first therapist (whom he named) and it feels like that's being passed down again. He said that wasn't meant to feel like a burden. I said it didn't. It was actually really nice to hear.
We had some extended periods of eye contact which felt amazing. I mentioned the difficult stuff from last week and how I felt like I didn't want to go there again this week. He said that is fine and we talked about how I can trust to work on that stuff when it feels right and I don't have to push it.
Then we spent a few minutes just talking about the building noise outside and how I can tune it out, and he says it bothers him because he feels responsible. Then I said I like silence and I like being in my car cos I can listen to my radio comedy uninterrupted. I enjoy the drive to and from therapy. Then we stood up and I asked for a hug. We hugged and I said "that was a 'hugs are still okay' hug." He said it's nice to have a name for It! We send goodbye and I left.

It seemed to bother current T that I didn't feel like therapy was an "emotional home" -- she brought it up again (continued from the last session).

I felt rather bad.

So, I said yes, it does.

Except it doesn't.

Oh well.

Other uninteresting things were also discussed.

I was a chatterbox today which is unlike me. Most times sessions DRAG by and I'm antsy to get out of there and I'm always asking what time it is or looking at my watch.

Before going into the office, I grabbed a coloring book and a few colored pencils off the coffee table in her waiting room.

We talked about my recent job interview, my recent doctor appointment and how it's taken almost a month to get my lab work and CT scan results from my doctor. I talked about the latest happenings with my family. I threw in bits of my childhood here and there---which I never do bc I hate talking about it. In those moments, T kept asking me how I felt and I kept telling her "fine". She'd ask about my anxiety and I'd say "fine". I honestly didn't feel much of anything the entire time. I kept thinking "am I supposed to feel something?" She is worried about my recent (very quick) weight loss bc I'm not eating much. I tried to tell her it's fine, I'm taking care of it, but she kept emphasizing that she is worried and doesn't want me to disappear on her. I have a feeling we'll be talking about this for a while and I'm not looking forward to it.

It was a really odd session bc I just kept talking. I felt like I was speed talking and jumping all over the place and not making any sense. Normally I barely say anything and sessions are PAINFULLY hard to get thru. Other times (rare), I talk at a normal pace and there is a nice back and forth happening and a decent pace. I'm not sure what was wrong with me today. I kind of want to get her perspective on it. She did mention at the end that I chatted way more than normal.

At the end we scheduled the next session and before I left I told her I was headed to a community acupuncture clinic, but it was wasn't for another hour or so and she recommended I go to the mall nearby to grab some something to eat. I declined bc I am (think I am) dealing with GERD and i'm terrified to eat anything that I don't cook bc I don't know exactly what is going in their (restaurant food). As I walked out she said she can't wait to hear about my first acupuncture experience.

Monday - 10/9 Session
5:30pm – so today wasn’t too bad of a day for me going into session. I left too late to walk or so I felt but I was able to catch the earlier bus and I already had 14,000 steps, I figured I was good to go that way. I got to the office and used the bathroom. The light on the button was already on, I pushed it and it went off. I pushed it again and it went back on, or so it seemed. I went into the waiting room and pulled out my stack of books. I sat down and I waited. Your previous person left, then you came out and I thought you were going to use the restroom then you looked in the waiting room and saw me. The button was off. You said something about the button being off. I said that I pushed it but I had to play with it some today. You said you were glad you came out and checked. Me too. I asked if you were ready for me, you said yes, and we headed back.

You offered to close the door since my hands were full, I went and sat down. You went to sit in the chair diagonal to me rather than across to me. You moved, I asked if you prefer the other chair (because I could move). You said no, that you try to sit across from where ever the other person sits. Sometimes you are used to sitting in the chare from previous person that you automatically go to it.

Hi
Hi
How are you? Good
How are you? I’m ok, ok. It’s kind of bouncing. Mood, likes, memories, “I love you”. One day it is there the next it isn’t.
You commented on it being unpredictable.

I said that today was a better day. I had the I love you back. I didn’t have likes back. I have memories, sometimes. We talked a bit more about how this is not new for me. It doesn’t make it any easier. I don’t like not knowing who I am. It’s not a good place to be.

I turned to the pile of books. I told you that I went to the library book sale over the weekend and pulled out “the giving tree”. I handed it to you and said that I got you your own copy. You thanked me, and smelled it. I reached for it back and I said that when I was looking through it to make sure there were not marks, I came across this one section that I had not remembered from before. It was the page where the man had taken the truck of the tree to make a boat and the narrator said that the tree was happy, but not really. You said not really happy, I agreed, not really happy.

I moved onto the other books in my pile. I shared with you the books I bought for a friend. We talked briefly about them. I told you about the you smelled them. You did not read either of them.

I told you that I wanted you to read this book but not read it to me. You said ok. Then I handed you the Ask Me book ().

As you read it, I slipped onto the floor and read the Art book again. You finished the book and looked down at me. You said something about the book, I don’t recall. You commented on me moving to the floor and asked if I wanted you to move to the floor. I said if you wanted. You said you did and moved down across from me. You put the book on your legs and left it propped up so I could see the cover and the title. I thought I was ready for this book, I wasn’t. I kept looking at the title and so many thoughts, feelings, and nothing at all – buzzing in my ears/head. I was quiet for a very long time. I didn’t know what to say, I thought if I opened my mouth nonsense would come out as I tried to say all the different thoughts at once. I pulled my legs up tight to me and sat there. I would look at the book and a way, I would try to grab a thought that was coherent enough to say aloud, one that would have stayed together long enough for me to share. I looked around the room, and stayed in silence. You waited for me to talk. At times, I would get a slight smile, it would pass and I still didn’t talk. Those were the moments of realizing that time was passing and I was losing my time with you in this silence. I still couldn’t talk. Usually that is enough to get me talking again. You waited.

I don’t remember what my first statement was, eventually I did start talking about the book.

I said that I couldn’t relate to the girl. You said something about the dad being curious. I said you. You are curious. You agreed that you are curious.
I said that I also couldn’t relate to the girl asking to be asked.

I said something about being ridiculed for my likes and that I don’t remember being asked. I was thinking but didn’t say, kids need that don’t they?

You said something that lead me to asking about my writing to you regarding secrets. Don’t tell them because then they can take it away – physically or emotionally. I pondered for a moment about something, then I remembered about a book I did not bring. I asked you if you if you knew the book called “the foolish turtle” (). You said that you didn’t recognize the title but might know the story. I had the title slightly wrong, it is called “The Foolish Tortoise”. I gave you a brief summary of the story: How the turtle wanted to move faster so he took off his shell. He was able to move faster; however, all these bad things happened. He wished he hadn’t been so bold. Then he decided to go home. On his way home he came across his shell and climbed back in – all the way in; and went to sleep. You asked what next, I said that was the end. You said warm and safe. You asked me if I felt that way. I said yes, that I wrote about that – about not asking for something for fear of losing what you already have. I was thinking about what I was losing with wife in this journey and I was thinking, please don’t take away touch, please don’t take away anything.

Watching the video of the “Ask Me” book, I remembered that another part of the book that drew me to it, was how the father parroted the little girl’s requests exactly throughout the majority of the book. An example is the little girl saying, “what else do I like?” and the father responded with, “what else do you like?” In this one she didn’t ask him to ask her something, she just said the question she wanted asked. I feel like this is a process of internalizing the dialog. There’s also something else here, something about this that feels good, feels attended to, or feels heard… not sure exactly what it is,

Somehow the topic changed to me talking deferring my likes to someone else. I told you that it is not that I start liking or believing what the other person likes or believes. I am able to keep them separate. I defer their likes over mine.

I said that I wished wife would make my schedule so I would have a routine/structure that would help me keep the body I am creating and give her what she wants/needs. Talked about wife and our relationship. I described several events over the last week that highlighted some of my struggles with where things are in the relationship. I voiced my concerns about the state of things. Several things were brought up that might be good topics for the couple’s counselor (gym & cell phone, dismissed from table, sighing in car). You asked when we saw him again, I said on Friday. You tried to play the “what would it be like to talk about x” game. I did not play along. I made the comment of how I felt about things as we moved down the path. You asked if it was you and I, I clarified that it was wife and I.

The alarm on my watch went off and I handed you my journal. I started to pack up as we said some stuff. Then I said our time was up and you said yes. There were lots of breathing together. I didn’t want to go. We moved to sitting on the furniture. More breathing. Finally, I whispered, “I love you”. You softly said “I know”. I didn’t want to say that I would miss you. I didn’t think I could say it without really starting to cry. More breaths. I thanked you for your email. You thanked me for reaching out. I said, “I feel very alone”. You said, “I’m here”. I said, “you are not in here anymore” and I rubbed my chest. I wasn’t feeling the “I love you” either, even though I said the words. I was feeling something more overwhelming and sad. You said that maybe you were in there but I couldn’t feel you/it. I wiped my tears and headed for the door. Comments were made about seeing me on Thursday. I yeah yeah in my head. Thursday is not today, not now.

Sometimes I get that sad feeling too, Elio. Like sad the session is over and I must leave and be adult again when I was so vulnerable just moments ago.

Today’s session brought me back to a sense of safety, following yesterday’s triggering experience. R seemed to understand the effect it had on me:
‘I sense that the garden centre is significant, you’ve told me a story about the garden centre before.’

‘A week after I heard about the death, I went to the garden centre with Mum and a friend. There was a display of pet memorials. I saw them and felt a sharp pain in my chest, so bad that I stumbled and thought to myself ‘What the **** is going on here?’ I had to pretend I had walked into something, because I made a little noise.’
‘The word ‘pretend’ sticks out to me there, because you were essentially alone with this?’
‘Yes, and yesterday, because I haven’t yet had that conversation with this person, I am still working out whether I can.’

‘I walked into the area yesterday and my stomach dropped. When the person I was with asked if I was OK, I said ‘Yes, this is just a very difficult place for me to be.’ Which is utterly meaningless.’
‘It doesn’t sound meaningless to me. It may have left the other person with some questions, like ‘Why?’’
‘After six years, I should be able to go into the garden centre. It impaired my functioning enough that I couldn’t make a decision. It’s a simple decision too...it’s not life or death.’
‘What I am hearing is that you challenged yourself. You knew it would be difficult, but you knew there is only one place to get a wind chime...I’m guessing you managed to get a wind chime for your nephew?’
‘Not yet, but there is another garden centre I can try. Anyway, January 2011 is the other thing I wanted to talk about. It’s not just ‘She called me into the bathroom, etc.’... ‘She called me into the bathroom to help her with something and then collapsed.’ It’s everything else that went with that.’
‘What you’re saying is it’s becoming more intense?’
‘Yes. ‘I didn’t want to tell you this, but...’
‘Which is contradictory in itself.’
‘She told me that she’d...She told me that she’d died, and that they had already had the service, before telling me about everything that had happened in the lead up to the death, during the two weeks where I had been trying unsuccessfully to contact someone.’
‘That sounds like a really difficult position to be in.’
‘My first words when I showed Mum the email were ‘It’s over.’ She read it, and she cried. I didn’t know what to do.’
‘I sense some...not jealousy there, but you seem incredulous that your mum could read the message, and have that reaction....’Why couldn’t I just read the message, have a cry, and...’
‘I went from not really feeling anything to a very clear sense of ‘I don’t think I can do this.’ That same day I was due to go into the recording studio to record the song I had written in tribute to Chris, which I did, but the sense of ‘I don’t think I can do this’ has become more global. It’s so ****ing hard.’
‘What comes up for me as you say that is because you didn’t know how to deal with it at the time, you haven’t, and now discovering that it may not have happened has added more to it, and you don’t know how to feel.’
‘Exactly. I am having trouble working out how to emote appropriately.’

R then said that although there is a connection between us, she can sense some kind of block. When she said that, I turned to look at her, and she observed how my entire body language changed. I talked about how I find it difficult to be in the between space and look at her, even though I trust her, and that has taken a while due to previous experiences. I feel as though she wants to reach in and help, but I don’t know how to let her. I am deeply grateful for the note we ended on last week, and I told her so.

She asked me how I was feeling towards the end of the session, and I responded that I am feeling safer than I was yesterday. She said that was good, and reminded me that she is working next week, but will be taking the following week off.

The Story of Definitely Not:

I showed up super early, so went in about 20 minutes before because I wanted to use the restroom. I was horrified to find that there wasn’t one attached to or accessible from the waiting area. So I imagine that there is one, but I would have had to walk past other therapists offices in a narrow hallway and no.

So apparently she didn’t have a 5pm because she was sitting in the office area, so she took me back a couple of minutes after I walked in. She asked how the student issue was going. I haven’t honestly given it much thought past the last session. I said that now that I understand the motivations behind her behavior that I’m not bothered by it. She said something like, well good job! To which I replied with a “thanks?”

She asked about the last couple of weeks. I said that it’s been rough because of the fertility treatments. We discussed how the fertility treatments versus adoption debate is starting to happen between H and me. She said that I’ve had longer to accept the possibility that I may never conceive again. H isn’t there. Give him time, figure out what’s best for your family.

I don’t remember discussing the possibility of graduate school with her last time, though I must have. She asked if I had considered it more. I’m taking one class in the spring (probably) that’s offered through my school district. I’ll apply in the spring if I decide I want to go back in the fall.

And then I said if I want to back at all. She asked why I wouldn’t. I groaned and said what if my grades aren’t good enough or I can’t get a good score on my GMAT.

We talked about the tape that plays in my head that says all of the negative things like that. I said I know why it’s there, I just want it gone. She said the only way to do it is to diligently stop the negative thoughts when they arise.

I said that seems patronizing and disingenuous. Like I’m lying to myself. She said it isn’t. That there’s evidence to show that there are good things about me. She referenced my intelligence. Yes, the one good thing I’ll always say about myself is that I’m smart.

Then she was like, what about evidence that you’re capable? What’s there? I shrugged my shoulders. I said I was so mired down in the mental stuff that I’m not performing to my potential. She said it’s not realistic for someone to perform at their maximum all the time. But saying that I’m not where I could be indicated that I’m somewhere. Okay, so I’m capable.

She asked about friends. I have some people I go out with sometimes. I don’t have many friends, but some.

She was like, okay, so it sounds like things aren’t terrible at present. That you’re okay. And anyone who knows me knows that’s a sure fire way to piss me off. I said, okay, at this rate we’ve known each other for all of an hour and a half. You don’t know me. You haven’t seen me fall apart.



And then I started freaking out. H doesn’t know that I’m doing it again. RoboT didn’t know. The only place I’ve talked about the desire is here on PC.

She asked what was wrong, and I told her that no one knew. It was my secret. She wasn’t dismissive but didn’t acknowledge that I shared something with her that no one else knows.

We talked about how I should have a plan when I’m triggered. Come up with it in advance so that we change the neural pathways. Rewire the automaticity of the action.

And at that point I shut down. I wasn’t interested in anything else she had to say. I just...honestly I want RoboT. Writing this down cemented for me that it’s important that I find a therapist that I can connect with on an emotional level. Someone who exudes empathy and regard. That’s not her. The connection isn’t there.

So I’ll move on. I’ll find someone else.

Sorry she wasn't able to provide what you needed daisy. I see finding a therapist as a process and it's not surprising to meet with ones who lack the skills we're looking for, though it's disenchanting for sure.
Looking for a new therapist is complicated both by the vulnerable state you're likely to be in and grieving the loss of the previous T, who, no matter what has happened, has been a presence in your life who is no longer there. That's not easy. Be gentle with yourself and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. A good match for you is out there.

I gave him birthday presents. He said they are amazing and that he couldn't expect anything like this.

He said he wants to talk with my parents and asked me to give him my mother's number, but I refused.

He said: "I love you" (for the first time)
My heart stopped beating and so on.

He said I deserve therapy and can continue seeing him. But I don't believe.

He asked: Will I see you again?
I wanted to say no, but I said yes.

I wanted to hug him, but didn't ask.

You're wise to not agree to giving your mother's number even though T wanted it. Parents who enable abuse and blame their abused child are not fit to be parents.

Yes you deserve therapy. Capt, T would miss you if you stopped seeing him.

I'm glad T found your presents amazing. I'm glad he said he loves you. You deserve your T and all his care, support and love.

Please see him again and ask for that hug. I don't agree with your plans , but at least get that hug from T *hugs*