In Session Today : Part III

Your T really loves you, and it doesnt stop the pain. We humans are so complicated, that sometimes affection opens the wounds right up. It seems like we here feel your T's love for you shining through your posts, and yet the mechanism inside you that would let you make use of it to feel peace and to feel precious isnt quite working the way he wishes it would. Thank you for sharing your tears with ours- there's so much pain on this forum, but also so much beautiful human curiosity to understand not just one's own experiences but others too. The love is there for you from your T, but it is outside the reach of your tears today.

This is so perfectly said, thank you. The love and care that TMC's T has for her seems apparent to me too.

I agree that this is a great comment. That TMC's T loves her, but it's so hard to accept... With MC, some of what's been hard for me in the past has been accepting the caring from him...because, like you said, it opens old wounds. It can make you realize things you missed in the past, for example, and so it's like you're mourning for that. New T's acceptance of me so far has also been a bit difficult for me to handle. Like, after I've told him the stuff that happened with MC, why wouldn't he want to run away screaming? Why willingly take on a client who tends to have attachment issues, especially when that's not really your modality of therapy? (he's said MC--who he used to work with--is psychodynamically aligned, while he is not).

And what you said about this forum rings true as well...

Thank you, Salinger, that was beautiful, really.

I do feel his care. I truly do. And I believe in it - that's why I knew that he had merely put his foot in his mouth and wasn't conveying what he really meant. This was really just a case of "well gosh you said the wrong thing at the wrong time in the wrong words today."

The pain I'm feeling right now isn't really about C or what he said today anymore. It's about S. And my ex-stepmom. And all the people who I loved, who I thought loved me, and who either stopped loving me or just never did, and I didn't realize it.

E-mailed T Friday night because I was emotional and struggling with some stuff regarding MC. Was a little nervous about it after sending because I know it's not T's preferred method of contact (prefers in person or phone), but with it being holiday weekend, didn't want to bother him some other way. He wrote back yesterday to apologize for not getting back to me yet, that he hadn't had a chance to "break away" to focus on my e-mail. But then this morning, he sent a long, thoughtful response, which has made me cry each time I've read it (mainly the last section). He responded within my e-mail, so I'll post it that way:

Hi T,

Me: I know e-mail isn't your preferred method of contact, but with the holiday, I couldn't see you before our appointment Tuesday anyway. And I keep getting weepy about this, so I need to get it out. I accept the $45 charge should you choose to respond with more than a sentence (though maybe don't write $180 worth!)

T: I'll charge $45

Me: It was around this time last year that MC's wife passed away, so I keep thinking about my reaction. I shared a bit in session with you. Don't think I mentioned this, but I'd expressed fear that MC would change as a therapist as a result (his response: "How could it not change me?") I'd told him I was upset that he wouldn't have told us of her passing. He didn't understand why it upset me, which led to a phone conversation. About which I feel guilty, because it was less than a month after her passing, and I should have just left him alone. I'm generally a very sensitive and empathic person--but then I was selfish.

T: I think it's important for you to understand that it is the responsibility of the therapist to be aware of how personal events are impacting our ability to perform our job as a clinician, and to take appropriate actions to make sure that we are able to effectively do our work. That can include seeking our own counseling or other treatment, and even taking time off from seeing clients when we are unable to be effective. In short, it would be up to MC to make sure he is able to effectively be there as your therapist, and to not see you if he cannot effectively do so. It's not up to you to back away from your therapeutic needs out of concern for his well-being.

Me: I think I greatly damaged our therapeutic relationship by crossing that boundary. And it's also something I feel I can't talk to him about now because that would just be crossing it more...So I'm stuck in this guilt spiral... And then, I feel like the recent love e-mail (and followup contact) was the final straw for him...I just keep thinking, if only I hadn't clicked "send," everything would be OK...I just messed everything up. Like, I've shifted the blame to myself again.

T: I'm sorry you feel that way. I think there is a lot to learn and more for us to understand about how your relationship with MC evolved and reached this particular point. It's clear that there is a blurring of boundaries and from what you have described an inconsistency in how MC expressed/addressed boundaries that has made this particularly difficult.

Me: On Wed., we're planning to tell MC we're going to space out sessions to work toward termination. But, with all this unresolved stuff and the lingering transference, I'm scared the process is going to really set me back emotionally (as in, I'm scared for my future safety). Could we still consider a meeting with you, me, and MC so I could try for some personal closure there?

T: I do think that this will be hard for you. I'm open to communicating with you and MC to see about finding the most constructive way forward. I'm not sure if that will include a meeting of the three of us. I would not want your safety to become at-risk, and helping your mental balance/wellness is my priority.

Second, I feel like I'm starting to connect with and trust you as a therapist--which is a good thing, but of course also scares me because of what's going on with MC. I'm trying really hard to just trust what I'm feeling--how you haven't given me any reason to doubt you--and not listen to the fears. Because compared to MC, my relationship with you feels very different. I'm not feeling all the transference stuff with you--it feels like therapist and client. I get what the boundaries are (though hope this e-mail isn't crossing one--I promise it won't be a regular thing.) And I feel like you're helping me understand myself and trust myself more, helping to make me stronger. Which is scary in itself...

Me: So, to summarize: guilt, self-blame, fear, and more fear.

T: These are some substantial and challenging emotions to manage! I'm glad that our work is helping, and I am optimistic that you can continue to develop greater internal strength and confidence. My goal is for you to experience a great deal more internal peace, self-trust, and stability in handling yourself in relationships. I hope you believe that, even if we were to stop working together, you would be OK - relationships come to an end sometimes - most of the time, in fact - and people heal from the loss and move forward to new relationships. I know you may read that sentence as a warning that I intend to leave. That is not the case. I simply want you to understand that you can, have, and will survive loss - even the loss of MC if/when that happens - and the same will be true for me when that time comes. I want you to feel whole within yourself. Relationships are marvelous, wonderful things and in many ways the most important thing we do. But they are also finite most of the time, and that's OK. We feel sad over the ending of a relationship - sometimes emotionally devastated if we are particularly close to the person - but we must always hold within us the understanding that "I'll be OK, and I will have other relationships, and I can feel close and trust people even though there is risk of loss."

I look forward to talking more about this on Tuesday.

@LT glad to hear you're planning on working to terminate with MC. It will be hard, and you will most likely feel like you've been "set back" emotionally. However, I think it's necessary for you to really move forward. And remember, feeling worse doesn't always mean you did the wrong thing. For example, when someone leaves an unhealthy or abusive relationship, there are often feelings of loss and grief, despite the suffering caused by the relationship. It's natural to want to keep the status quo, because then we don't have to go through the pain of separation. It can be hard to accept that doing something that causes more pain for a while will lead to less cumulative pain in the end. Hopefully, your T can help you come up with a plan to manage the emotions that will come up so that you can keep yourself safe.

Wow, LT. What a thorough, thoughtful response from your t. Can I borrow him briefly?

LT, I wanted to stand and applaud Dr. T's email. It was so thoughtful and compassionate! It was so warm and on point that I'll forgive his overuse and misuse of the hyphen.

All mine! Just kidding. As long as you don't see him this Tuesday at 1:30.

It did cost me $45 for that response, but I think it was well worth the cost (I pasted it into Word, and he wrote 500 words...)

Thanks, I know, it kind of blew me away. Especially because the other time he sent me a long e-mail, just a few weeks into our seeing each other, he totally missed the mark. Maybe that's the difference a few months of knowing each other makes...he gets what I'm looking for now, and I'm better at asking him for what I need.

And LOL at hyphen use--I assume he was using them as a shortcut for an em-dash. At least his grammar and spelling are otherwise better than MC's (not that it takes much!)

LT, I really like that your T charges for lengthy email responses. I mean, it's annoying to have to pay $45 but I think that would seem worth it to take out all the boundary questions and "is this okay or it is not?" type of thinking. You paid for your response - it is yours. I like that.

Yes, at first it really bothered me, since I was used to free outside contact with ex-T and MC. And I was upset at first with current T because I thought he said the first one was free and also that it was OK to have one longer one a quarter with no charge. Then he charged me for a fairly long response he sent me a few weeks in, and I was upset, because I thought it would be free. He was able to schedule a half session with me the next day to talk about it (I didn't realize he'd charged me till I was in the car and looked at invoice, and didn't want to have to pay for an e-mail to resolve it!), we worked it out, and he reversed the charge.

But now, like you said, I kind of do appreciate it that it's more of a clear boundary/rule. He said part of why he charges if it's a longer e-mail that takes more than a few minutes, then he really wants to focus on it and write a detailed response, which could take a half hour. Rather than just dashing something off. That if a client took the time to e-mail him, he wants to take the time to think about it and respond.

But yes, like you said, it does take away the whole "Is this OK? Am I taking up too much time?" part. Because I'm paying him for his time. Though I was still concerned he'd be bothered by my sending the e-mail (but clearly he wasn't, though I don't think he'd want me to do it every week!).

Barging into this thread, apologies if commentary is unwelcome. Peace, trust in yourself, stability, strength, confidence-- those just struck me as such superb outcomes to focus on, especially with respect to relationships. He seems really clear about doing the opposite of fostering a dependency but realizing that you need support to get there. It's like he's holding the image of a peaceful, self confident you in his head and working towards the goal of getting there.

I've read some about your therapy with MT and in this context, it may be that ending that therapy will move you towards this goal. Being in control of how and when this relationship ends will help you achieve this more peaceful state, I think. In my experience, the loss of a relationship also creates opportunities for new ones-- including with yourself and with your past. Grief, for me, has illuminated things and people I had not paid attention to before.

Nice (in an odd way) session today.

I finally decided to blurt out to current T (after feeling way too ashamed to say it) that I'd done something really stupid at work and written rant-y emails to my (otherwise absolutely fantastic, just downright awesome, I'd-marry-him-if-I-could-and-were-straight) boss, to which after sending one lovely reply (that made me madder in the moment), he'd wisely chosen not to engage any more -- I'd been really pissed that a douchebag, moronic colleague was getting an award for his work (which was really a pathetic $25 gift cert).

Clearly, the dollar amount didn't matter (or even the award itself) but I'd been feeling increasingly like the perception of my work (which my boss has acknowledged is exemplary) by most folks in the firm is not so great and consequently, I've been getting screwed in terms of opportunities and so on.

So, I'd ranted about it over email -- breaking pretty much every rule one can think of in terms of communicating this sort of stuff to higher-ups.

Current T was really validating for a bit before blurting out "This is pathetic. Can you see that it is pathetic? Do you agree that it's pathetic?". I suddenly found myself getting a reality check and was like "YES, I know exactly how pathetic it is" and then I went on to talk about how I was actually okay giving up bigger things (a few thousand dollars in raises / bonuses) but had fixated on this 25 bucks thingie.

Current T, unfortunately though then became very T-like and somehow caught herself and back-tracked all over the "pathetic" comment -- I wanted to tell her (will do so next session, I think but not sure if she'd be willing to "go there") that it's actually the most useful thing she said because it showed me clearly what a crazy head-space I've been in (I've fixated on it and gotten myself into a frenzy -- which I'm wont to do when I believe I'm being trated unfairly -- pretty much through the holidays and to the detriment of my general well-being).

Argh....I wish I could somehow make current T believe that the few precious moments when she's "real" actually make all the difference to me and feel much better than her super therapist-y, super validating, reassuring blah blah persona.

LT

I'll be honest and say that I couldn't personally handle the last paragraph of your T's email. Too much for me right now... and yet... it also really describes the change in my life since losing S. The prospect of losing C is so so painful for me... but, having lost S, and having survived it and even smiled again... I seem to operate now with exactly what your T said in the end: I'll be ok, and I won't be alone - I will have other relationships, and I can feel close to and trust people even though there is a risk of loss.

So, just kind of giving a nod to that.
Even though, right now, I'm stuck in little girl mode and desperately need C to just stick with saying he's not going to abandon me.

AY, I'm kind of horrified that the time your therapist chooses to be real, it's to call what you did pathetic. I don't think it's pathetic at all. It's a breaking point, a build up of pressure from taking all those other professional insults and not being comfortable (just guessing) speaking up when it's big stuff. So I think it's great that she broke free for a bit, but sheesh...

I have totally done the email thing that you talk about, and worse. My therapist has me back up frame by frame until I can identify the trigger and a warning signal (a feeling or something) just prior to doing the thing I later regret. It's such a slow and maddening process. For me, it all gets back to family stuff and not feeling safe or in control of what happens to me, so I let stuff build up and then...kaboom.

This, and what is the point of telling you it's pathetic? Isn't she supposed to be helping you not to fall into such traps, instead of reenforcing any negative self-image you might have?

When's my cage match with Blondie?

Ooh can I watch the cage match?

We could be the girls holding up the round numbers in skimpy bikinis.

rr, ATAT -- indeed, indeed.

She did (very obviously) back-track pretty quickly -- unfortunately, unlike rr's rather awesome therapist, she doesn't seem to be at all keen on giving me practical suggestions to stop such behavior -- and then reminded me (which I now know but wasn't conscious of then) of playing out old dynamics (that I've played out with her as well) and that my boss is not my family etc etc.

But, rr, in all seriousness -- I quite like the suggestion of identifying trigger points (and yeah, you're totally right about the discomfort in speaking up contributing to it).

ATAT -- would you still challenge Blondie to a cage match if I tell you that it seems she has a thing for all things Churchill (or World War II)?

Then she should jump at the chance to partake of an activity that will involve blood, toil, tears, and sweat.

and Artie, yes, you can watch. You can even be my second. But remember, no quarter for the therapist.

If it helps gather more crowds, she's a teeny-tiny blonde (barely 5 ft and like a size 0 or some such thing [I'm a solid giant around her]).

AY, I'm glad your T's blurt helped you. I have to say that I don't think it's at all appropriate for a T to call something pathetic. And, even I, as NOT a T, would not have called what you did pathetic. That's just not the right word...

You're welcome to comment! I agree that a big difference with him seems to be that he's supporting me while trying to avoid making me dependent. The fact that he envisions me as being peaceful and self-confident and believes he can help get me to that place is part of what touched me, I think. Like he has faith that I can get there.

I think part of why I'm conflicted about ending the MC relationship now is that I don't so much feel like it's really on my terms. I mean, yes, he's saying he'd like to keep working with us, isn't abandoning me, etc., but I feel like part of why I want to leave right now is because of his wanting me to reduce contact (and some of the other stuff that was said on that phone call). So it feels in some ways like it's more like he's in control... It's almost like I want to take control back and then leave. But I don't know how to make that happen. I guess it's more of a mindset than anything else... Hopefully T will be able to help me get there.

The last paragraph is the part that keeps making me cry... I'm glad that you're feeling some of what my T said with regard to C, but I understand that it's hard. It's like, "OK, now I'm supposed to put my trust in someone who I haven't known for that long when I've just been hurt by someone I've known for much longer, who I trusted and who had also made some promises to me..."

One of the big things about this response to me was that T *didn't* make promises. He said he didn't intend to leave, but acknowledged that the relationship would most likely end at some point. That somehow makes me feel safer--at least at this point--than someone promising not to abandon me (MC). Though I guess T has told me that if I got attached to him like I did with MC, he wouldn't just drop me, that we'd work through it. And he said early on that it would be unethical to abandon me--though I said that didn't really help, that it just made me feel like, "Great, now I'm stuck with you." But when he said that, he didn't know me that well, and I think now he understands where my brain goes when someone says something like that...

I guess that's another thing about the e-mail--how he seems to really understand me now and know what I needed to hear. Maybe not what I *wanted* to hear, but what I *needed* to hear, if that makes sense. Like of course part of me, like you, wants him to say he won't abandon me. But...at this point, would that truly reassure me? Probably not, because it would be hard for me to believe him. Instead, he's being realistic and saying most relationships don't last forever. But that he's going to help make me feel strong enough to get through those things.